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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pathetic request for birthday party etiquette

240 replies

Ohmygoodnessreally · 29/07/2019 12:39

Please help me I know how pathetic this is going to sound

As a child in care I never went to a birthday party. Not one.

My daughter has been in nursery for two days a week for two years and has never received a birthday party invite. I tried to tell myself it was because she was part time so I didn’t freak out.

The day has arrived - she has been invited!! I’m so happy for her then terrified because I have so many pathetic questions. I so want this to go well for her and for her to learn to make friends, she’s very quiet and shy. AIBU to ask your help mumsnetters?!

For lots of reasons I don’t know a single parent at the nursery. So I don’t know who this mum is and daughter doesn’t seem to know the child. Here are my questions -

Has she asked the nursery to give every child an invite - are they allowed to do this for privacy reasons? If so I’m happy she’s has!!

What do I say when I rsvp, as I don’t know her and will be walking in not knowing her or the birthday girl?

What’s the etiquette re presents for the child?

Does my dh come to the party too?

Does my daughter dress up or in play clothes?

I’m breastfeeding a six month old, can I bring him to the party?

I won’t know anyone there and am so scared but will do it for her.

Are there any unspoken party rule things I should know about before we go??

OP posts:
angelfacecuti75 · 30/07/2019 19:19

How exciting!
You just text and say "Hi I'm xxx's mum (daughter's name ) and she'd be delighted to come to the party. Are parents allowed to come? I've got a 6 month old is it ok to bring him? Thanks very much for invite. Xxx's mum /ur name"

angelfacecuti75 · 30/07/2019 19:20

Ps I'd say practical clothes but pretty 1s. Bit like s.art casual.

manicmij · 30/07/2019 19:21

Be assured even if you had attended a birthday party when young they have changed out recognition. Soft play, themed entertainer based are the norm now. For nursery aged a card and gift about £10 or cash; dress code tidy,clean and comfortable unless special info given eg dress up themed. The 6 month old will be welcomed. No eating party food. Arrive 10 mins before start time and leave prompt. No husband as this could inhibit your chances to chat to other Mums most of whom will be in the same boat as you. Hope your DD enjoys the event.

MummyofTw0 · 30/07/2019 19:22

Spend £5-£7 including card/wrapping. I go to Poundland or 99p store and buy colouring books/sticker books/pencils etc

You can get a lot for your money in there

Good luck and have fun. Try not to over think it xxx

angelfacecuti75 · 30/07/2019 19:34

Smart*

cherish123 · 30/07/2019 19:44

RSVP saying "xxx would love to come to xxx's party. Thanks for inviting her." As for present- a small toy or books to the value of £10. I would probably not take DH or he could go. It would be a bit overcrowded if everyone did this. It would probably be easier for you if you left the baby with DH but nobody would object if you took him. Otherwise, just chill. I'm sure it will be the first of many.

cherish123 · 30/07/2019 19:47

Oh and a little tip - I now wrap the card inside the present.

cherish123 · 30/07/2019 19:50

Clothes- casual but not scruffy/old. I would not give cash - not really suitable for a small child. As a general rule, parents stay at parties until about age 5.

MustShowDH · 30/07/2019 19:53

The good thing about taking your DH is that he gets to meet other parents and learn the drill too. My DD is 9 and my DH still pulls the 'I won't know anyone, will you take her card!' It's ridiculous baring in mind we don't even stay at this age. Get him trained now!

You sound lovely. Please come back and tell us how it went.

staceyflack · 30/07/2019 19:53

I think i totally understand where you are coming from. For example I used to feel so emotional around happy kids... like, wow this is how it's meant to be! It was alien, as you say. It gets easier. Our childrens lives are normal... ours weren't, it an adjustment. Mine are 11 and 14 and I still get it sometimes when they are really successful at something or extra happy. Soak up the joy... it is catching. Flowers

floribunda18 · 30/07/2019 20:02

Cash in a card is very much the norm here for age 9/10+. Basically when they start to value money and choosing something for themselves with it. And they stop playing with toys so presents become difficult unless you know them very well. But little toys as presents are very easy to obtain for little ones.

bonbonours · 30/07/2019 20:06

I agree with nearly everything said by others, just rsvp saying thanks, dd would love to come. At nursery age all parents will stay and babies in arms will not be a problem. I wouldn't take dh. Party clothes are fine as long as she can still play in it.

The only bit I disagree with is money in a card. For a teenager yes but not a preschooler, they won't appreciate it. Just buy a nice book or colouring things or similar. Doesn't have to cost as much as £10.

NatNoo · 30/07/2019 20:07

Just wanted to say your post is not pathetic at all, I think it’s lovey that you want this to be “right” for your daughter.
My girls are 11 & 8 and I have never given or received cash to or from their school friends, definitely not the done thing here but a book, t shirt or craft set is the norm.
Pretty much what others have said other than that.
I hope she has a wonderful time. 💕

Mrseft · 30/07/2019 20:09

This is so sweet, mostly it’s been covered but in my area it was very common for people to come to parties with their DH especially if there’s a toddler and baby situ going on. If it makes you feel more comfortable take your DH xx

SandAndSea · 30/07/2019 20:10

I don't think you sound at all pathetic! You sound lovely to me.

CameraTime · 30/07/2019 20:11

I once made it 1.5 hours through a 2 hour party before working out which one was the birthday child 😂

Usually if it's a 2 hour party, they'll play for an hour, then have food for half an hour or so ("proper food" like sandwiches first, then maybe crisps and sweets, and then cake) followed sometimes by party games (pass the parcel etc) - you won't need to be involved with the games.

Have some chat ready. Some of my usual questions are:

. So which child is yours? Ah, yes, he seems like a lovely boy. Is he your first?

. How's X getting on at Nursery? Did you get presented with a paper plate owl/cereal box bird house/whatever recent craft they've brought home as well?

. Have you always lived in this area? I've only moved here recently, so still getting to know it, but I really like that deli next to the Co-op.

. If they have older kids ask things like which school they're at, how they're getting on.

. Ask whether they're planning much for the summer (assuming you're in the UK or somewhere where it's summer)

Basically expect the conversation to be about the kids, with a smattering of holiday talk.

Don't be afraid to admit that it's your first party. You can say something like "Oh, this is the first party DD's been able to go to! I was a bit nervous; you read all these things on Facebook about party etiquette! In my day you just got let into a church hall and ran in circles for 2 hours and then went home!".

LuluBellaBlue · 30/07/2019 20:20

I just wanted to say have a wonderful first birthday party with your daughter - you sound an amazing mum especially after your own childhood. Just remember to enjoy it and watch her loving it!
My sons 15 now but I can still picture his face at various parties over the years.
It really is magical for them :)

RosesAndRaindrops · 30/07/2019 20:25

For example I used to feel so emotional around happy kids... like, wow this is how it's meant to be! It was alien, as you say. It gets easier

Oh wow, that's made me well up Sad Flowers

BoardingSchoolMater · 30/07/2019 20:29

OP, you sound lovely, and your DD is lucky to have you.

As it happens, I didn't go to parties when I was a child - but that's because I hated them (still do now). Fortunately my DC1 also hated them so never went to them/had them. Then I had subsequent DC, who are obsessed by them. Confused

My bits of advice are:

£5 max for a present. The recipient is three. Any decent parents don't expect to recoup their party expenditure in presents. I would have spent a fiver at most at that age.

They can wear what they like. Three year olds are bonkers, and I'd let them go with it. So some will be in 'sensible' play gear, and some will be in Disney Princess costumes. Anything is fine.

Don't take DH. Parties for nursery children are mostly mum events. I would think it's fine to take your baby, as loads of other mums are likely to have small babies too, and they're a good talking point.

I hope it goes well for you both.

minababelina · 30/07/2019 21:12

As an immigrant, I had very similar questions to yours when my daughter was invited to her first birthday party. Of course, it's far from ideal that you feel like this in your own country, but I just wanted to say that you are not alone! I remember I felt a bit like a fish out of water when mingling with other parents, not being able to do "small talk" properly... That anxiety... But I was lucky everyone was very kind and, in a way, seemed to be, for different reasons, as lost as I was as for what to do, how to behave, if to expect a bit a food or a cup of tea. Nothing was served to parents (which I thought was really the right thing to do!). Both parents were VERY BUSY. After about 40 minutes of free play, the parent suddenly produced a wooden door and placed it on top of some bricks in the middle of the room creating a massive low dinner table for the children! There were only tomatoes, cucumber, carrots, humus, grapes, strawberries and something that looked like sausages, but weren't (I did try it once the party was over). No sweets! It was perfectly timed to last 2 hours. The children seemed to have loved it! I came back home and wrote this long e-mail to my family describing how English children's parties were. Never saw again one like that...

Aridane · 30/07/2019 21:13

Nursery parties are awful because you generally don't know the parents or child so they are awkward and boring

Way to piss on the OP's parade! Have fun!

EssentialHummus · 30/07/2019 21:22

Nursery parties are awful because you generally don't know the parents or child so they are awkward and boring

You get to meet the kids your kid is spending time with, and hopefully snaffle some cake. And it's easy as fuck to make conversation here! "Which one's yours? Oh I like her dress, where's it from? How long as he been at this nursery? Are you local?" Etc.

WishIwas19again · 30/07/2019 21:33

Weird etiquette stuff:

When the food comes out all the mums are expected to stand directly behind your child awkwardly while they eat supervising them closely. . . .

Lots of DH at the parties I've attended, in fact the first one I went to I rang DH and asked him to come back as I felt a bit of a spare part while my Dd was merrily off in soft play

Adults have to buy their own cup of tea or coffee if it's a soft play place, it's not generally provided

EllenMP · 30/07/2019 21:33

Everyone else has covered it, but I would add that a book or books (about £10 total) is my go-to gift. Nice, not noisy, and you can say it's your daughter's favourite so it's personal.

Don't worry, once your daughter goes to nursery school or reception there will be lots of parties, and you will enjoy getting to know some of the other mums at them!

PurpleCrazyHorse · 30/07/2019 21:42

It would be good if you recognised the birthday girl and/or her parents. Maybe nursery could help point her/them out to you. I had a rather embarrassing moment at a soft play birthday party where there were at least 3 parties happening at the same time and as a FT working mum I didn't know any of the children or parents and my 4yo DD was useless at spotting anyone. It was a boiling hot day and DD and I had speed walked from the railway station. Looking all red and sweaty and seeing someone who looked vaguely familiar, I went up to them and asked if their party hut was xxx's party. Unfortunately the vaguely familiar lady was Charlotte Church Blush and no, she wasn't a mum at the party I was looking for. I spent the rest of the party hiding in a corner until she left!

I would dress your DD in nice but practical clothes if you think there might be games or a soft play option. Leggings rather than a dress/skirt for example. Remember your DD might need to be wearing socks for soft play, so take a pair if she's wearing sandals.