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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pathetic request for birthday party etiquette

240 replies

Ohmygoodnessreally · 29/07/2019 12:39

Please help me I know how pathetic this is going to sound

As a child in care I never went to a birthday party. Not one.

My daughter has been in nursery for two days a week for two years and has never received a birthday party invite. I tried to tell myself it was because she was part time so I didn’t freak out.

The day has arrived - she has been invited!! I’m so happy for her then terrified because I have so many pathetic questions. I so want this to go well for her and for her to learn to make friends, she’s very quiet and shy. AIBU to ask your help mumsnetters?!

For lots of reasons I don’t know a single parent at the nursery. So I don’t know who this mum is and daughter doesn’t seem to know the child. Here are my questions -

Has she asked the nursery to give every child an invite - are they allowed to do this for privacy reasons? If so I’m happy she’s has!!

What do I say when I rsvp, as I don’t know her and will be walking in not knowing her or the birthday girl?

What’s the etiquette re presents for the child?

Does my dh come to the party too?

Does my daughter dress up or in play clothes?

I’m breastfeeding a six month old, can I bring him to the party?

I won’t know anyone there and am so scared but will do it for her.

Are there any unspoken party rule things I should know about before we go??

OP posts:
Mitzicoco · 29/07/2019 15:42

I've never heard of cash in a card for a 2 year old! The fact that you have a baby with you in brilliant. It means you can escape if things get too much (baby needs a bit of quiet, changing etc) and it will definitely be an ice breaker. Also, I have not heard of dropping a 2 year old off at at a party! Actually, that's not strictly true- it happened at my ds's 2nd b-day and I had to spend half the time looking after this kid when I should have been with my daughter: unfair.

Mitzicoco · 29/07/2019 15:42

dd's

NerrSnerr · 29/07/2019 15:44

What do I say when I rsvp, as I don’t know her and will be walking in not knowing her or the birthday girl?

Just say 'Elsie would love to come to the party and is looking forward to it'

What’s the etiquette re presents for the child

Just something age appropriate- a book, a puzzle, a game etc.

Does my dh come to the party too?

In our area it's usually just one parent but sometimes 2

Does my daughter dress up or in play clothes?

Usually party clothes but it's chilled out where we live, anything goes (my 4 year old has a favourite party dress I found in the charity shop)

I’m breastfeeding a six month old, can I bring him to the party?

Yes- mention it on the RSVP if you want

Are there any unspoken party rule things I should know about before we go??
No- don't eat the food until the children have finished and the other adults have started eating it. Nothing else.

MrsMozartMkII · 29/07/2019 16:08

Those offering a hand hold for the future - is that because (overthinking again maybe?!) i sound really incapable and am in for much harder situations (obviously I am) and you pity me 🙈

Gosh no! You'll come across all sorts of situations, life does that as you already know, so the handhold is just friendly support through it. No pity. Admiration if anything.

Branster · 29/07/2019 16:11

Ohmygoodnessreally lots of useful advice here.

I wanted to wish your DD (and you!) a nice time at the party, it is clearly a big new experience for you and please don’t worry about a thing. As long as you turn up with a card and present, that’s all that matters. The family and friends of birthday child will take care of everything. If at all practical, you can offer to help during the party every now and then but it should all be in hand already.
Top tip: eat before you go, it’s crazy how all that kiddy party food seems so appealing at such a setting even if it’s not something you’d ever eat yourself at home [grim]

Branster · 29/07/2019 16:11

Grin oops

SoftSheen · 29/07/2019 16:13

Reply: 'Dear XXX, thanks so much for the invitation to XXX's party. DD would love to come! Best wishes, XXX (DD's mum)

Take a birthday card and a nice book, or other small gift (wrapped), for the birthday child. You don't need to spend a lot, but cash in a card isn't really appropriate, IMO.

When you arrive, say, 'Hello, I'm XXX and here is XXX'.

It's generally OK to take a youngish baby, but not your husband.

Food and drink will be provided for the children, but not necessarily adults (if you're lucky you might get a cup of tea and a bit of birthday cake).

When the party bags are handed out, this is the signal to thank the host and go home.

Hope you both have fun!

blacktiger · 29/07/2019 16:20

Hi Op,

Hope both of you enjoy the first party - I'm sure it will be the first of many! As others have said a text saying your dd would love to come. A small gift and card, kids at that age wouldn't really appreciate money in a card, they want something then can rip the paper off.

I wouldn't think twice about bringing a baby. We've been to lots of nursery parties where younger siblings have been brought along. I've known of some to ask if it's ok but that's been when the sibling has joined in, so you don't need to ask. Our parties have been mixed in terms of bringing dh's. I took dh to our first one but sometimes go alone. Depending what the place is like I maybe would take dh, if it was like a soft play If she maybe needed your help would you manage with baby? Don't worry about not knowing everyone, you'll probably find a lot of other mums looking around not knowing others too. I didn't know any as I drop ds off early and my parents collect him so I don't see parents at nursery.

I wouldn't leave dd at the party though. If she doesn't know that many people you wouldn't want her upset for any reason and you not there. I've had one invite where the host parents said feel free to leave them so I'd say it's expected that you are there unless they suggest it.

Enjoy the party!

Almahart · 29/07/2019 17:18

I’ve thought of something else - people don’t usually let their children open their presents at big parties, they wait until after so sellotape your card really firmly to the present!! Otherwise they will get separated and they won’t know who it is from

Mollieben1 · 29/07/2019 17:29

I'd buy a present for a child so young rather than putting money in a card. Something like a craft set or nice colouring book and pens - Approx £7 - £10 including the card. Just RSVP by text message. Never taken my DH - not that he would want to go! Ask whether its ok to bring the baby via the RSVP text message. Good luck xxx

Adoptthisdogornot · 29/07/2019 18:39

Personally I think £10-15 is excessive. I have 3 children and at least 5 parties a month to attend. I cannot afford £500+ a year for random school and nursery friends on top of god children, nieces nephews etc. It's the thought that counts so a nice colouring book and pencils or a book or £5 toy is enough.

Inliverpool1 · 29/07/2019 19:08

Gee you’d better brace yourself for when the presents hit the £20-30 mark then. Admittedly they are attending less parties by that stage though just best friends

PostmanPatIsIncompetent · 29/07/2019 20:33

Just wanted to say you don't sound pathetic at all! I had no clue at all at my first DC's birthday party (he was 3, too, I think that is when party seasons kick in) and was really nervous both for me and for him. It was fine and I did get to know some of the nursery mums and dads. Enjoy! (And don't worry if she seems overwhelmed/doesn't have fun immediately - at that age I think parties can be overwhelming and kids have different reactions etc)

Almahart · 29/07/2019 21:40

I’ve never spent £20-30 on a present for a child’s friend - I think it just vary massively from place to place / school to school

Wearenotyourkind · 29/07/2019 21:48

You are not pathetic OP Thanks

CameraTime · 30/07/2019 09:02

One other thing - about your 6 month old... the reason people get worked up about parents bringing uninvited siblings to parties is that good and party bags will have been counted out in advance. If someone rocks up with an extra child, that child may not understand why they can't have a party bag/food like their sibling is having.

Obviously with a 6 month old this won't be an issue, but just make sure that you hang back a bit at food/party bag time so that it's clear you're not trying to get extra for the baby.

VashtaNerada · 30/07/2019 09:09

Some great advice here OP. Just remember there will be other parents who feel anxious, and also parents who have older children who find the whole thing tedious! Either way they won’t be judging you.

SimonJT · 30/07/2019 09:16

My son had his first birthday party a few weeks ago, I had never had one as a child and he had never been to one.

People seemed to spend £10-20 on a gift, most children were wearing normal clothes, although one girl was wearing a big party dress so she couldn’t really play. There was a mixture of mums and dads, with many of the children having both parents in attendance.

clottedcreamoverjam · 30/07/2019 09:24

Isn't £10 a lot for nursery? I would have put £5 😬
It seems like a lot of money 😬😬

HennyPennyHorror · 30/07/2019 09:24

Camera oh let me tell you something! I once had a party for my DD when she was 6..it was in a sweet shop...you got to make a craft and fill a jar with sweets, then they provided pizza....invited a pal and her son who was 5. Pal asked "Is it ok to bring the baby?"

Baby was 6 months.

Friend took the 6 month old around each activity, doing it for him! Filling a jar, doing the craft....wtf?? Child was completely oblivious! It was 6 months old for God's sake...all it cared about was milk and bright colours!

I had to pay for an extra bloody child!

Itstheprinciple · 30/07/2019 09:49

Don't worry about not having been to parties yourself either. Parties have changed massively since I was a child, where it would have been in a church hall with a buffet and pass the parcel, every time! You will still get a ones like that but more common for it to be in soft play or farm park or play bus or whatever these days so there will be plenty of parents who are doing it all for the first time.

You've had loads of good advice. No reason why DH can't take instead but if you want to meet a few of the parents yourself it's a good opportunity. Take your purse as if it's in pub or soft play you will probably want to buy a coffee.

Rivkka · 30/07/2019 09:52

I used to find it really odd when the whole family including dad turned up.

Leave him at home.

Original poster
Ohmygoodnessreally · 30/07/2019 11:12

@skybluee that’s so nice thank you, yes I will update you, it’s in a few weeks Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohmygoodnessreally · 30/07/2019 11:17

@InTheHeatofLisbon no please don’t worry, it was my anxiety making me over think your lovely comment! Thank you for the support I’m so touched x

OP posts:
verticality · 30/07/2019 11:17

As a kid who didn't have a conventional family upbringing, I totally get your concerns. I think the tone of some responses perhaps indicates that other posters don't actually understand what it's like to grow up in care. It's hard to explain, but you feel like everyone can 'see' that you're different, and that you will in some way accidentally reveal that difference by not knowing protocols for these things. It's largely a misplaced fear - you sound lovely and I am sure you will be fine - the fact that you're seeking information is a really great plan!!

I also just wanted to say that it's great that this is so exciting for you, and that I really hope you and your little one have an amazing time.