Pathetic request for birthday party etiquette

[Ohmygoodnessreally]

Please help me I know how pathetic this is going to sound

As a child in care I never went to a birthday party. Not one.

My daughter has been in nursery for two days a week for two years and has never received a birthday party invite. I tried to tell myself it was because she was part time so I didn’t freak out.

The day has arrived - she has been invited!! I’m so happy for her then terrified because I have so many pathetic questions. I so want this to go well for her and for her to learn to make friends, she’s very quiet and shy. AIBU to ask your help mumsnetters?!

For lots of reasons I don’t know a single parent at the nursery. So I don’t know who this mum is and daughter doesn’t seem to know the child. Here are my questions -

Has she asked the nursery to give every child an invite - are they allowed to do this for privacy reasons? If so I’m happy she’s has!!

What do I say when I rsvp, as I don’t know her and will be walking in not knowing her or the birthday girl?

What’s the etiquette re presents for the child?

Does my dh come to the party too?

Does my daughter dress up or in play clothes?

I’m breastfeeding a six month old, can I bring him to the party?

I won’t know anyone there and am so scared but will do it for her.

Are there any unspoken party rule things I should know about before we go??

In all my years of countless little kids' birthday parties I have never, ever received cash in a card! Only presents or, very occasionally, vouchers when they get a bit older. But never cash!

Don’t give cash.

Maybe for an older child and one you know. Not for a toddler/preschooler.

You do not give nursery aged children £10 in a card!!. You buy a little gift £5 +. Perhaps a nice book or something crafty according to age. Do not overthink the gift.
Just arrive on time and have a nice time. Prob no need to take other half.
Depending on what/where the party is it is sometimes helpful if they sit down to a party tea to help ALL the children get a little food onto their plates and help pour the drinks.

Once they have all eaten it would be nice to help clear a few items from the table or put rubbish in a bin.

Relax and enjoy.

Just a thought, if it's soft play or another activity where your dd might need a bit of adult help then taking dh along might be a good idea so that you can stay with the baby.
I became quite friendly with the nursery mums and we always tried to take dhs along to soft play parties so we could have a natter while they did the running round and climbing!

If I’m shelling out £15 ahead for a play bus and providing food, I’d be hoping my child would receive a £15 present. Just a thought

But its your choice to spend that on the play bus, not the guests!
Surely you are forking out on the bus for your DC's benefit - as their birthday treat. Just like inviting their friends is for their benefit too.

We've always stuck to around £7-10 for a gift for a school friend. Just like pretty much everyone else we know did, regardless of their background and financial situation!

Don’t give cash. Little kids are easy to buy for and love opening pressies. Money becomes more of a thing at upper primary (y5/6). Spend £5-10. Maybe think £10 all in (with card and wrap).

You have children in common so it isn’t usually hard to chat to other parents. Easier without DH as other lone mums are likely to approach. Take your baby. People will talk to him/ask about him. If your DH wants to come that is fine as you will be in a pub. You could take turns to sit with baby/watch DD/chat to other parents.

Most rational people don’t expect you to match the cost per head for the party with the same value in gifts!

Lots of people don’t start throwing parties until their kids are at school. DS only went to 2 while at nursery. He had his first at 6 as he has an October birthday so hadn’t made friends properly by his 5th birthday.

You got this OP. Don’t worry.

And yes - a gift is nicer at this age imo. Cash in cards hasn't really been a thing here anyway but the odd time its happened was around 9/10y+, definitely not at nursery and infant school age.

definitely put a gift tag on the present, or a little bit off tape ton attach the card to the present or in the general melee its easy to loose track of who's given what.

If the OP is questioning privacy I am assuming that the invite came through e mail or phone number, which presumably the nursery shouldn't have given out?

I don't have any advice but I just wanted to add that it's lovely that you want it to go well and will you come back and tell us how it goes? Is it this weekend?

You send a rsvp through method they suggest saying 'thank you for inviting dd to party, she would love to come, any present ideas/ suggestions?' Then you turn up, pretty much in time, try not to be half an hour late as children's parties often so short, especially if they have an entertainer you might miss half of it. Take along a present, something fun but doesn't need to be expensive, bubbles or bubble wand, nice for nursery age children, maybe a windmill. Something to do some gardening with.
As for party attire, play suits etc seem popular here, but equally quite a lot of girls wear party dresses, but not too fancy as a lot of parties seem to involve some moving about.
As for you, go along, smile, take the baby (great talking point) improbably wouldn't take dh, but some people do? Think more acceptable to take partner if you know the family well?

Hi OP,
I've skim read the full thread and I think you have been given lots of great advice.

Some random thoughts from me:

Replying to the invite is great manners in itself. Shocking as it is many parents don't bother to reply either way. Even if you were away on holiday it would still be good manners to reply and apologise that you can't make it. In some cases parents still choose to send a card and tiny present like crayons whatever in this case - especially if they do know the children are friends.

If your child is ill on the day let the host know (by text) and apologise/say your daughter is disappointed so you don't get tarred with the same brush as general no shows.

If you sign off your text with your name at the end then the host has your name for future reference if they need it.

If your child ever has accidents take spare clothes - you will be so upset if you have to come home because of a mishap when you are so excited. A spare set tucked away wouldn't hurt anyway in case of squash/ice cream related accidents.

I agree don't eat the buffet food unless the children have all eaten and the host invites the adults to or the children have all eaten and run off and all the other adults are nibbling. As it is a pub the kids might be handed a plate of food rather than a buffet being provided. Don't send DD starving as the food will usually be half way through.

In a pub it might be a nice touch to find the birthday girls parents and ask if you can get them a drink at the bar. Try to choose a quiet moment if there is such a thing - not right at the beginning or end as they will be too busy.

If you don't need to take the baby so you have your hands free ask if there is anything you can do to help - such as helping the children get buffet/ offering squash out etc especially if you can see that they are if they are struggling. Also tidying up a bit towards the end and if others are.

I think £6 - £8 is the ideal amount to spend on a present. A present that is too large or expensive is a bit embarrassing for the host in my opinion. It is just a token.

Thank the host as you leave and encourage your child to do the same.

Enjoy - a kids party is very informal and whether you chat away and help or keep yourself to yourself either is absolutely fine.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend Way over thinking this.

£10 in a card and let your daughter play.
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Very sensible. Drop your daughter off, don't stay, there will be enough adult people at the party without you and/or husband - and baby of course! Pick her up at the appointed time.

I hope she has a lovely time, it's nice for her.

Just reply to the invitation and ask. If you can bring your baby. Your DH doesn't need to attend too. Put your child in comfortable every day clothes. Buy a birthday card and small gift.
Try and relax and hopefully you will both have fun. And maybe you will get to know some of the other parents.
It's quite common for children to invite the whole class.

Never heard of cash for a two year old?? A small gift and card definitely. Usually one accompanying adult in my experience Might be nice to leave the baby with your husband if he/she will take a bottle so you can relax

I was trying to remember whether parents dropped off two year olds or stayed with them. I think I would ask about this.

Just say your daughter would love to come.

When you attend identify the host, introduce yourself, say thank you for the invite send your daughter off to play and ask the host if there is anything you can do.

Yourdaughter should carry the gift in wrapped. Doesn't matter what it is.

Clothes don't matter but it's nice if your child makes a little effort if possible.

Remember rhe invite is for your child. Not you, your other child and your husband. It's a one person invite,not a four person.

Ideally one person takes your child. If you need to bring the baby it's ok, then preferably not as how can you do anything look after your daughter I'd required if you're breastfeeding or looking after another infant.

Ideally one parent goes, you stay in the background, offer to help if required, watch to ensure your kid behaves and be ready to step in if there is an issue.

Thr other parent and your second child would ideally not attend.

You sound like a lovely mum and I think it is really sweet that you are so worried about getting it right for your daughter’s sake. It sounds like you had a tough start in life and you are determined that your child has the best you can give her.

Don’t be scared. Reply with a text, go along with your daughter and stay (no one will mind your baby being there too). Give a gift costing £5-10, such as a little play dough set and let your daughter wear a pretty dress unless it is soft play in which case she will be more comfortable in leggings. Don’t worry about it at all and please do ask if there’s anything else you need x

I would suggest feeding DD a small meal beforehand. The little ones often don't eat much at the party and often the food is at the end. Lesson learned after lunchtime party starting at 12 but no food until 1:30. Perfectly reasonable but my DD was used to an early lunch and ended up having a meltdown as she was hungry.

You definitely stay at a party with a 2 year old!

You sound like a lovely mum OP x

So many replies thank you! There’s been really useful advise thank you- the bit about the party bag signalling the end was much appreciated I wouldn’t have known that

For those saying I sound lovely, thank you so much, I’m touched

Those offering a hand hold for the future - is that because (overthinking again maybe?!) i sound really incapable and am in for much harder situations (obviously I am) and you pity me 🙈

Have fun! I hope your dd really enjoys herself; let her do what she wants and don't intervene unless you have to. Chat to the other mums hanging about.

I agree with no money in a card - get a book token so child can choose their own book. It makes a nice outing for them after the party.

Those offering a hand hold for the future - is that because (overthinking again maybe?!) i sound really incapable and am in for much harder situations (obviously I am) and you pity me

Not at all and I'm really really sorry if it came across that way. I just meant parenting is full of these potential banana skin type moments and I'm 12 years in with 5 kids in total and still don't have it down. social etiquette stymies me at the best of times, so I was trying (badly) to show a wee bit of solidarity. I'm so sorry if it was insulting or patronising. You do sound bloody lovely.

Honestly don’t stress (I’m guessing most of your anxiety is coming from you socialising at this party with DD- I get that- you’re not used to it).

I would practise your small talk - Try things you can say about the nursery...etc as you’ll all have that in common.

Bright cheery hello as you walk in- Nobody is going to mind a bf baby coming. (Older child yes but baby is totally fine).

However, ask the nursery and they may point out the party hosting mum for you. You can hand her your RSVP, say hello and mention bringing baby. Also ask if there’s a favourite character/show you can get a gift based on??? Every child has a favourite!

Plus that way you’ll know her when you walk into the party.

You definitely need to stay!