Pathetic request for birthday party etiquette

[Ohmygoodnessreally]

Please help me I know how pathetic this is going to sound

As a child in care I never went to a birthday party. Not one.

My daughter has been in nursery for two days a week for two years and has never received a birthday party invite. I tried to tell myself it was because she was part time so I didn’t freak out.

The day has arrived - she has been invited!! I’m so happy for her then terrified because I have so many pathetic questions. I so want this to go well for her and for her to learn to make friends, she’s very quiet and shy. AIBU to ask your help mumsnetters?!

For lots of reasons I don’t know a single parent at the nursery. So I don’t know who this mum is and daughter doesn’t seem to know the child. Here are my questions -

Has she asked the nursery to give every child an invite - are they allowed to do this for privacy reasons? If so I’m happy she’s has!!

What do I say when I rsvp, as I don’t know her and will be walking in not knowing her or the birthday girl?

What’s the etiquette re presents for the child?

Does my dh come to the party too?

Does my daughter dress up or in play clothes?

I’m breastfeeding a six month old, can I bring him to the party?

I won’t know anyone there and am so scared but will do it for her.

Are there any unspoken party rule things I should know about before we go??

The thing is, if you take DH you'll chat to each other and other people won't approach you as much.

The first party I took dc to, I felt a bit awkward, as I didn't know many other parents. Some of them chatted to me, I chatted back and it was fine. What seemed like trivial chit chat became valuable information and contacts, that turned into friends as we moved on to school.

So don't worry, even if you feel like a bit of a spare part. Someone will talk to you. You talk back, all will be well.

For the RSVP I generally go with "Hi, it's X's Mum (insert your Name), thank you so much for the invitation, X would love to come." That's all that's needed.

On the day it can be you or DH that takes her. It's unusual for both parents to go but not unheard of. I have seen a few couples go together with babies actually (presumably so that one parent can feed/settle the baby while the other supervises the older child) so if it takes the pressure off that's an option. Might be a nice way to get to know some other Mums though if you do go without your DH though. Absolutely fine to take a babe in arms along, but taking a sibling who is old enough that the host would feel pressure to let them join in, feed them, give a party bag etc is a no-no!

Don't stress about the gift- it doesn't have to be anything extravagant, you can get some nice Duplo sets, play doh or craft kits (the Galt ones are good) from Amazon that are good value or the Orchard Toys games are also a good option for this age group. I never spend more than £7-8.

If there's a play bus then just dress your DD in something she'll feel comfy in, maybe leggings/shorts with a pretty top?

In terms of general Birthday party etiquette, I wouldn't worry too much at this age as they're all so little. Just make sure you/your child thank the host parent before you leave. When they start handing out party bags that's the signal that they want you all to go!

If I’m shelling out £15 ahead for a play bus and providing food, I’d be hoping my child would receive a £15 present. Just a thought

Seriously? I didn’t know people thought like this. I pay for a party that I can afford, for my DD’s to enjoy. Not so they receive an equal value in presents in return!

Also, in addition to the above. We were new to an area so I went with just DD to a party and ended up finding a friend who I'm now really close to 12 years later! I left younger DS with DH at home for a few hours.

Think of this as an opportunity to meet the other parents. Your dd will know the other children. Don’t take your DH if you are just going to talk to him.

If I’m shelling out £15 ahead for a play bus and providing food, I’d be hoping my child would receive a £15 present. Just a thought

Fuck, who knew there really are people like this?

I know this is MN where phone calls have to be booked 2 weeks in advance in writing; but given you don't know anyone at all, a phone call might be a nice way to break the ice and "meet" the mum for the first time.

Don't do this! Can you imagine this poor mum getting 30 phone calls from people she's never met before just because their child is invited to a party?

I have never known this to happen.
I really wouldn't do it.

If I’m shelling out £15 ahead for a play bus and providing food, I’d be hoping my child would receive a £15 present. Just a thought

That's baity bollocks. If I'm shelling out £15 for a party, I'd hope the other parents might return the invite when it's their turn to shell out £15 on a party. (Though I wouldn't mind at all if they chose not to have one - it's not compulsory.) The present is a small token gift. I don't want my house cluttered up with stuff.

You sound lovely OP and I totally get the anxiety

I agree with those who say not cash for this age. I would get a craft set/game/toy for around £7 - there will be something fine in your local big supermarket

IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Did you have to answer the OP in such a rude and dismissive way? She said she grew up in care and feels anxious about getting it right. There was no need for you to be so nasty unless you take any opportunity you can to feel superior to other people.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend that was a bit harsh. The OP explained why she had all the questions and acknowledges herself that it's a bit 'pathetic' ie recognises that they are questions most people know. What better place to ask than MN.

I hope your DD has a really lovely time OP and that you get to meet some of the other parents. There will certainly be others who won't know many or any other parents.

I agree with PP that a small gift/money and a card is fine. I certainly wouldn’t spend more than £10 even if the party was very expensive. That seems like an odd attitude to me. And don’t worry about what she is wearing. Let her choose, as long as she is happy and comfortable it will be fine.

I’m so pleased she got the invitation. I hope she has a great time and I hope you do too.

Hand hold for you! You sound lovely and caring.
RSVP essential but as the replies indicate there are a range of different views in the details, but with your attitude of caring you will be fine.

I just thought - if you never attended a party as a child you might not know the mantra to be recited as your DC leaves. ‘ I had a lovely time, thank you for having me’ needs to be repeated to the host parent after every party or play date. I think it might actually be the law! If D.C. is too tired or overwhelmed you can say it for her.

It’s also a nice gesture to text in the evening saying ‘ thanks again for a lovely party, X had a great time’, or some such. Parties can be very hard work and it’s nice to get some positive feedback when it’s all over.

What a shocking attitude to expect the value of the gift to be the same as the cost of the party per head. Do people really think like that?

If I’m shelling out £15 ahead for a play bus and providing food, I’d be hoping my child would receive a £15 present. Just a thought

What a vile attitude.

DH would rather have eaten his own eyeballs that go to a 3 year olds party.

Lots of lovely advice here @Ohmygoodnessreally the only thing I would say is that I think a small gift is much nicer for a 3 year old than a card with money in it, but that's just a personal preference.

I would love to throw you your own party OP, you sound absolutely lovely.

If I’m shelling out £15 ahead for a play bus and providing food, I’d be hoping my child would receive a £15 present. Just a thought

I also think this is absolutely nonsense and I don't know anyone who thinks like this.

For the RSVP I generally go with "Hi, it's X's Mum (insert your Name), thank you so much for the invitation, X would love to come." That's all that's needed.

This is really good wording, then the host mum will know your name.

If you do take your DH don't let him sit in a corner looking miserable and not talking to anyone while still taking up a chair.

If I’m shelling out £15 ahead for a play bus and providing food, I’d be hoping my child would receive a £15 present. Just a thought.

Ignore this berk, this isn't the norm OP.

The RSVP part might tell you how the parent wants to be contacted. Among the parties my son went to the parents usually put a pbone number for you to call them with the reply.

It's also handy if you need to ask a question.

Just text the mum and ask if you can bring your 6 month old. the answer will be “yes”, your are just being polite here.
Bring a card and a small present, books, small duplo set. Money in a card seems to be regional, not done around here, so maybe bring a present this time and have a look what others do!
nice play clothes for your daughter, nice everyday clothes for you.
its ok to ask who the birthday girl/her mum/dad are -most people will be in the same position!

I think it’s really lovely you want to get this right. Your Dd is lucky to have you.

defo leave dh at home, bring the baby and say “I’m really happy to stay or is this more of a drop an go?” At 3 I would always stay. Play it by ear and see what the other mums are doing.

Chat to the other mums, ask questions, exchange numbers.

I’m sure you are going to have a great time.

A nice book is always a good present- any of the Julia Donaldson’s ones, or Nick Sharratt or what about the Jolly Postman.

A friend of mine through Uni was a care leaver and so many of the small social things I take for granted he had no clue. Tricky for him.

Have a great time!

£15 is very definitely not the norm for a present! £5-£10 retail value is about right, but most people buy stuff in offer, so spend less.