Pathetic request for birthday party etiquette

[Ohmygoodnessreally]

Please help me I know how pathetic this is going to sound

As a child in care I never went to a birthday party. Not one.

My daughter has been in nursery for two days a week for two years and has never received a birthday party invite. I tried to tell myself it was because she was part time so I didn’t freak out.

The day has arrived - she has been invited!! I’m so happy for her then terrified because I have so many pathetic questions. I so want this to go well for her and for her to learn to make friends, she’s very quiet and shy. AIBU to ask your help mumsnetters?!

For lots of reasons I don’t know a single parent at the nursery. So I don’t know who this mum is and daughter doesn’t seem to know the child. Here are my questions -

Has she asked the nursery to give every child an invite - are they allowed to do this for privacy reasons? If so I’m happy she’s has!!

What do I say when I rsvp, as I don’t know her and will be walking in not knowing her or the birthday girl?

What’s the etiquette re presents for the child?

Does my dh come to the party too?

Does my daughter dress up or in play clothes?

I’m breastfeeding a six month old, can I bring him to the party?

I won’t know anyone there and am so scared but will do it for her.

Are there any unspoken party rule things I should know about before we go??

To be honest, while almost all the advice on this thread is excellent, I'd probably not put £10 in a card for a nursery-age child. I've only started giving money after age 11/12 really.

Money doesn't mean a great deal to them at that age, while opening a brightly-wrapped present is way more fun.

Orchard Games are another good gift option for this age agree, these make lovely gifts and less than £10. Also, as a pp mentioned, little craft kits etc.

If it is in a pub I think it would be fine for you and your Dh both to go and baby one of you can always go and sit and have a drink/lunch or something out of the way if it is clear there are too many parents (although in a pub with a play bus/wacky warehouse sound pretty informal)

I'd take a little gift rather than money in a card - it's a bit more interesting for kids that age - doesn't have to be anything fancy - colouring books, sweets, hair slides, little lego people etc

Clothes - it sound as if it is activity based so I'd pick something comfortable and practical but in pretty colour or with a bit of decoration - shorts and sparkly t shirt or leggings and colporful top, or skirt if thats what she prefers, - sensible footwear.

I think a play bus is something you can hire that is a a double decker bus painted up and ecorated for the undere fives with activities, toys, crafts etc etc - usually it comes with supervisors to help the children, so it will be fun and your DD will find something she enjoys - it's a nice idea and sounds like parents might be welcome to keep an eye on kids wandering on and off the bus.

Honestly there aren't any hard and fast rules - you just go along and go with the flow, your DD will have fun -if she is quiet and shy then I would defintiely take your DH so one of you can hold baby and the other can encourage her to go on the bus - if she is a little overwhelmed to start with.

Gosh lass. Others have given useful advice, I just wanted to send you a hug for the past and a handhold for the future.

RSVP and give to nursery staff to give mum if you don't know her.

I would say that DH should go without you as you don't usually have both parents unless they are friends of family and you have said you can't be apart from younger child.

You could ask if younger child could come and they would say yes to be polite but it wouldn't be ideal for them, especially if you don't know anyone and want to make a good first impression?

Daughter shouldn't be really dressy but something nice rather than usually day clothes.

Hope that helps :)

Definitely not money in a card op a nice gift books, small game much better.
Go without Dh baby is fine.
Have a chat with other parents - most of the time I only met the other nursery mums at the parties so will give you a chance for a chat and enjoy :)

Yes, definitely not money in a card - I'd find that weird for a child so young.

I know this is MN where phone calls have to be booked 2 weeks in advance in writing; but given you don't know anyone at all, a phone call might be a nice way to break the ice and "meet" the mum for the first time.

(Even if you leave a VM, doesn't matter.)

Gosh lass. Others have given useful advice, I just wanted to send you a hug for the past and a handhold for the future

Mrs Mozart said what I wanted to say so much better than I could.

She's only three. Parties really got underway at four, I found. Lots at that age. Five was 'peak party' age, with lots of whole class ones in reception, then it calmed right down.

I'd buy a gift to value of £8-10. Have never given or received a voucher or cash for a child's present. I find that idea rather odd. Children like to open gifts.

The four and five year-old parties were a great opportunity to meet and chat to other parents. Only one of us ever went at a time.

OP, I just came on to tell you that you sound absolutely lovely, you really do. And no, you’re not pathetic at all!

You sound like a really great, caring mum. If your DD is only 3, it’s not that surprising she hasn’t had invites before as lots of people just do smaller, family celebrations for the first couple of years. So I would not read anything into that whatsoever.

But if you have 2 children you will have many many such invites to come, trust me! It’s such fun and these years fly by. Don’t hold yourself back. Just go, meet other mums who are all in the same boat as you and enjoy!

I’ve no idea how the invites were sent out, but it doesn’t matter really.

I think the idea to just put £10 in a card is s but off tbh - that’s more for teens who appreciate cash. Just buy a book or toy or something you think your own DD would love. And a card which maybe DD could draw in or something.

Go along with you DH and assess how many dads are staying. If there’s none there, send him on his way. Of course nobody will mind if you have a baby and need to bf - I doubt you’ll be the only one.

You certainly won’t be the only one there who doesn’t know anyone. But you will after the party and this is the point!

Just be yourself and maybe ask a few mums if their DDs wouid like to come over to your house for a play sometime.

Children learn by example. If they see you relaxed and socialising easily, they will think it’s perfectly natural and will do the same.

You have wonderful years ahead. My three are a little older now, but some of the people I met when they were younger have become friends for life.

Don’t worry about a thing. All anyone wants is for the kids to have fun. Mums of small DC are all the same as you and you have so much in common. Everyone’s too tired to be judging anyone else. Enjoy!!

Ah OP, my daughter got her first (and only) party invitation a couple of months ago and I was just as nervous/excited as you!

I am generally a confident and outgoing person and went to lots of parties as a child (I assume, I can't actually remember!) but I still agonised over everything!

I would advise you dress your daughter in whatever she is likely to feel most comfortable/confident in (same for you!). No one would object to a baby and it'll probably be a nice way to break the ice with other parents. Leave your husband at home if you`re brave enough to do it alone, but don't stress either way. Definitely go with a gift rather than money (maybe a couple of books or some crafty bits?). RSVP with something like 'thank you so much for inviting to ' s party, she would love to attend and we'll look forward to seeing you then.

Good luck

Mrs Mozart said what I wanted to say so much better than I could

Me too OP.

I find party etiquette difficult as I'm autistic and really struggle with overthinking.

If the RSVP is a text, I'd reply with thanks xxxx would love to come. What does the birthday girl like when it comes to presents?

It's what I did when DD had her first party invite. Hope it all goes really well.

I'm surprised at everyone saying no to DH. I see lots and lots of DH's at parties, particularly the nursery and reception ones

DH does all the kids parties in our house (instead of me). I bloody hate them!

3 is about when party invitations start (DS's first birthday party was a third birthday), so I really wouldn't worry about lack of invitations up until now. It's quite normal.

I've never given or received a tenner in a card (though I wish it was standard round here, as then we could choose something DS wanted). Orchard game, picture book or small toy worth about £7-10 for the present.

There'll be a huge range in what kids wear - everything from tracksuits to Elsa costumes to lovely dresses. Not wedding smart, but a nice dress would be okay. Although since it's a playbus, I'd probably send her in ordinary comfy clothes.

I think you can bring DH, especially as you have a bf baby. Plenty of mums will be there on their own, but round here, you'll get plenty of DHs there too. It's probably good etiquette in a soft play place, as then you've got someone to go in and deal with bust ups. What would make you least nervous? Do that. If he's the only DH there, just explain that you need a bit of help with DD because you're breastfeeding. But at that age, my guess will be that there'll be a lot of family friends there, who will come in pairs.

Talking to other parents:

• Which one is yours?
• Yes, it's a lovely nursery isn't it? DD's been so happy there. Etc.
• How old is yours?

A baby is a brilliant conversation starter - I expect you'll get lots of parents asking you what it's like with 2, how baby sleeps etc.

Etiquette - play it by ear re: food - some parties feed the parents, some just the kids. You're in charge of your own kid, so don't be afraid to discipline her etc. (Though if she's quiet and shy they will probably LOVE you).

And good luck!

Also, nobody gives a hoot what kids wear at that age. Anything from a fairy dress to leggings will be just fine!

P. S. I should say, party was great and my daughter had a lovely time (she is also 3). All the parents were really friendly and it's been nice to see a few familiar faces when I drop off/pick up at nursery.

If I’m shelling out £15 ahead for a play bus and providing food, I’d be hoping my child would receive a £15 present. Just a thought.

Has she asked the nursery to give every child an invite - are they allowed to do this for privacy reasons? If so I’m happy she’s has!! - not sure!!

What do I say when I rsvp, as I don’t know her and will be walking in not knowing her or the birthday girl? - I usually just text and say thank you for the invite, DS would love to come. Then sign off with my name and surname

What’s the etiquette re presents for the child? - I usually bring a present and card, don't spend more than £5

Does my dh come to the party too? - he can do if you want. At the parties we have been to, often dad and mums are both there, but one parent is fine too. Can be nice to have both of you there if you don't know the other parents well and are feeling a bit shy!

Does my daughter dress up or in play clothes? - play clothes are fine (our parties usually involve soft play-bouncy castles etc so need to be practical.

I’m breastfeeding a six month old, can I bring him to the party? - lots of us bring babies to the nursery parties we have been to

3 and 4 year olds are peak party season...

I have to admit I've been to many kids parties with mine and hosted a fair few but I don't think I've ever seen anyone put money in a card. A few years ago my son received an amazon voucher card, but not money. Not that there is necessarily anything wrong with it but I would say buy a small present instead, especially for a nursery child.

Has she asked the nursery to give every child an invite - are they allowed to do this for privacy reasons? If so I’m happy she’s has!!
It normal practice for nurseries to hand our invitations, parents paths are unlikely all to cross.

What do I say when I rsvp, as I don’t know her and will be walking in not knowing her or the birthday girl?
Thank you very much, xxx would love to come to yyy’s party.

What’s the etiquette re presents for the child?
Spend between £5-10. Wrap it up. Buy a card, stick it to present. Hand it to party child’s parent on arrival (they are likely to welcome you), they might show you where to put it, or might take it from you.

Does my dh come to the party too? That’s fine

Does my daughter dress up or in play clothes? Little girls tend to dress up a bit, but be mindful of what they are likely to be doing. House party, Soft play centre? But dressy is fine. Crafty stuff - don’t wear anything you don’t mind getting messy.

I’m breastfeeding a six month old, can I bring him to the party? Yes, you probably won’t be the only bf mother

I won’t know anyone there and am so scared but will do it for her.
It’s likley that other people may not know anyone. This is how you get to know them.

Are there any unspoken party rule things I should know about before we go??
No. Keep an eye on your child. Help her to the toilet when she needs it. Offer to help clear up food/games etc if it seems appropriate.

IME cash in a card started around 9th birthdays.

posted too soon...

3 and 4 year olds are peak party season

For mine i do small parties at 3/5/7 and class parties at 4/6 (haven't got to 8 yet)

a book or sticker book or activity or small jigsaw puzzle would be ok as a present

in a pub/hall, yes you can bring the baby and both parents can come... enjoy chatting to other parents - at this age a lot of kids go with both parents, when older you will have to be split - as in dad take child 1 to a party and mum takes child 2 to another party...

enjoy!

I don’t know any school Mum’s either. I’ve always just text the number on the invitation to say DC would love to come, thank you for the invite.

I tend to spend £10 all in all on wrapping paper or a gift bag, card and a small present. A small toy or book is sufficient.

Your DH can go too but he doesn’t have to, baby will be fine.

What a lovely mum you sound.
Casual clothes, just you and her, greet the party mum/dad hand over a small card or present and chat if there's opportunity, then sit/chat with other parents, say goodbye when it's time to leave, try to get your DD to say thank you and Goodbye to the party child.