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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you shouldn’t announce non-whole-class parties to the whole class?

193 replies

ChunkyMonkey4321 · 29/07/2019 01:45

I’m in a Facebook group for my daughter’s school class and a mum has just posted ‘DD is having a small party with friends she has chosen and I still need to hear back from the following...’ From that list and who I know they are friends with, I realised my daughter was the only girl not invited. If it hadn’t been announced I wouldn’t have known or cared. DD has some special needs but no formal diagnosis as of yet so I know I’m very sensitive! Of course you can’t invite everyone and I’ve never done whole class parties but am I the only one who thinks it’s a bit out of order announcing it to everyone?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 29/07/2019 13:09

Yes it's not nice when you are the one missing out but that's life really isn't it? we don't always get what we want

Really? How many parties would it take for your SN bairn not to be invited to before it would irk you? It's usually all of them. Character building maybe

Original poster
ChunkyMonkey4321 · 29/07/2019 13:11

No reply to my comment. Obviously as it’s July there have been plenty of parties. Some she has been invited to, some not. I only found out about one because the teacher had to tell the birthday mum that only one twin got an invite. I didn’t make a fuss about the several times there were parties that she wasn’t invited to because it was done relatively privately and had nothing to do with me. I just think it’s poor form to know that not everyone is invited and not be more tactful about it.

OP posts:
Comefromaway · 29/07/2019 13:22

Really? How many parties would it take for your SN bairn not to be invited to before it would irk you? It's usually all of them. Character building maybe

Yes, been there and it gets worse as they get older and the children become more aware they are being excluded. It's not only parties, every school holiday there would be talk of kids meeting up for playdates etc adn then once in secondary it was all over social media.

Ds was never invited.

We used to try inviting people to ours and excuses were usually made. I had to cancel a couple of parties because no-one one wanted to come.

Thankfully ds moved schools at the end of Year 8 and he now has a small group of understanding, accepting friends who don;t treat his asd as catching.

HotChocWithCream · 29/07/2019 13:41

I don't think it's poor form to announce a party that not everyone is invited to. From my own experience (and from what I've gleamed from others) is that sometimes when really.young the whole class party is done. Then, as they get a little older, they get the choice of a party (smaller present) or a day out with a few friends (large present). I, and the other parents in my son’s class, tend to do alternate years. Last year he had a soccer party with ten friends (and small gift). This year he had a day out with three friends and a large gift (new bike). Friends I guessed he would have invited often were not simply because little kids are fickle. One day someone’s their bestie, next day not so much. I don’t get involved unless I think their is any mean antics going on (on either side).

I think many parents are over invested in this kind of thing.

It’s entirely possible that the birthday mum in this case was not aware just one girl was not invited. I do not know how many boys/girls are in my sons class. If she is aware that one girls not being invited perhaps it’s because her daughter doesn’t want them there. It could be she’s deemed a pest or equally it could be she slighted her in some ridiculous way. I doubt it’s worth bothering about. If it was worth bothering about I imagine you’d know about it already!

dillusionaldog · 29/07/2019 13:50

i find it extremely rude to do that, just as - as an adult - I wouldnt discuss a lunch date that all my friends were going to infront of one excluded. It does sound like its been done on purpose OP. Well done on your message, hit the right note.

JustTwoMoreSecs · 29/07/2019 13:52

Exactly diddl

BoronationStreet · 29/07/2019 13:54

Of course you should be upset, OP. That's flat out rude of the other parent and I can't imagine she didn't realise how unkind it was to do that. Some people are just wankers.

SpankYouMuchly · 29/07/2019 13:57

I have dcs with additional needs. They didn't get invited to parties. I thought it was common for this kind of prejudice to happen. It made me cross and sad.

minisoksmakehardwork · 29/07/2019 13:57

It's a hard one.

On the one hand, the parent might not be fb friends with all the parents of invited kids, or had contact numbers so this was the easiest way of making sure the message didn't get lost in the others folder or not received at all.

On the other, as the parent to 2 sen dc, it bloody stings when you see another party your dc hasn't been invited to.

But as parents to those sen children, all we can do is ignore it and be friendly to the people we feel are judging us. After all, we are as guilty of judging them for excluding our child(ren).

I've found being open about my dc's needs has given me a starting point for chatting with some parents, who have been more receptive and friendly when they see we aren't just ignoring our dc's behaviour. Of course there are others who do everything to discourage friendship with my child but that says way more about them than their child or mine.

mineallmine · 29/07/2019 14:01

I think this is so cruel and you are right to be upset. To leave one girl out of the class out is a horrible thing to do. My dd also has SN and doesn't get invited to many parties so I feel your pain. The only thing to hang onto is that your dd is not feeling this, she doesn't know it's happening. And now you know that this particular girl is not being taught to be inclusive.

PablosHoney · 29/07/2019 14:16

I got accused of this on a WhatsApp group recently and A. They were wrong, B. They didn’t invite my daughter and C.They we’re going on holiday! Everyone knew about their child’s party so these ‘secret’ groups arenot any better and they were allowed to do a show and tell about it 😂 invite who you like, chase up where you like BUT have the balls to say why you’ve done it, excluding bullying there is no good reason to exclude one child and excluding them due to sen issues is beyond pathetic and mean.

MillicentMartha · 29/07/2019 14:39

It was rude and insensitive, and her wording made it clear she realised this. When you have a DC with SN you are bound to be sensitive to them being left out, and it does happen. Kind parents in my DS’s class made a point of inviting my DS2 and talking to me privately first to make sure the party would suitable.

As an aside, my DS2 had ASD but was looked after by the other DC in the class. When a boy with quite severe behavioural problems, who was fostered, joined in Y4, the class were extremely supportive and understanding, having been used to DS2’s quirks and meltdowns. This boy got invited to his first ever parties, his foster mum was in tears.

SparklyMagpie · 29/07/2019 15:27

Aww I'd be upset aswell OP

I have my DS's first birthday party coming up and I invited his nursery class. 2 I was very unsure of as he has had a few problems and we've had to speak to the teacher
But I asked him and he was happy for them to come, luckily both are away so can't make it

I would never exclude any child for having SEN based on that alone.

Ok my DS is turning 4 and he can make choices as he gets older, but aslong as he was happy to have these children there and me and my ex knew if any problems came up, we could speak to their parents there.

I couldn't deliberately leave any child out

You have a nice time with your DD, as she gets older I'm sure she'll make some close friends who she can enjoy special occasions with :)

SalemShadow · 29/07/2019 16:21

Had the exact thing happen with me and my son. The mum had done it deliberately even though my son and her daughter are best friends. He went over to say hello at her just before school broke up and the mum turned her back and ignored my son. Some women are just bastards and have such small lives they enjoy this sort of thing. Up to you whether you say something but I think they enjoy it

gamerchick · 29/07/2019 17:04

Yes, been there and it gets worse as they get older and the children become more aware they are being excluded. It's not only parties, every school holiday there would be talk of kids meeting up for playdates etc adn then once in secondary it was all over social media

It's awful, that feeling you get in your stomach when you see that they've realised and look so sad. The quiet acceptance they develop. Horrible to watch.

I was very glad to leave primary behind. Life is much better now he's in specialist provision.

OrchidInTheSun · 29/07/2019 19:26

You know those of you who are saying this is fine?

You're the people who are teaching your children it's okay to exclude the children with additional needs, to shun people who are a bit different.

I hope you're ashamed.

This Is My Child has had very little impact sadly :(

AlmostAJillSandwich · 29/07/2019 19:44

I'm sorry but youre being precious. Fact is, some children, be it due to SN or even just their personality, aren't very well liked by their peers even at a young age. Some can be verbally or physically agressive, try to take over/want everything their own way, or even be bullies. You'll never truly know what your child is like when they're just around other children/when you aren't present as they can act differently without a parent or adult.
I still remember more than 20 years on being forced to play with the girl nobody liked or wanted to play with, and she was all of the above, it made me genuinely unhappy. Nobody should be forced to play with someone they don't like, adults choose who they do and don't want to interact with so why can't children? If this little girl genuinely likes all the other girls in class and just didn't want to invite your daughter then why shouldn't she have all her friends allowed.
Sounds like a lot of the mums haven't replied individually and its easier to chase them all up in a group setting, some will even actively use social media more and be more likely to reply this way.

It's unfortunate that its your daughter that is the one without many friends but it happens, she doesn't even know about it and couldn't go anyway so why make a mountain out of a molehill.

TapasForTwo · 29/07/2019 20:18

I’m sorry AlmostAJillSandwich, but you come across as someone who is completely devoid of any empathy. Are you the mother?

The fact is leaving just one child in a group out does make it look like a deliberate exclusion however you dress it up. I don't understand why some posters don't get that.

Comefromaway · 29/07/2019 20:29

AlmostJill - I hope you never experience the heartbreak of having a child with a physical or mental disability, health issue or special educational need who is excluded from things purely due to this.

HopelessLayout · 29/07/2019 20:33

Shall we start a campaign to ban birthday parties!?

Honestly… are they worth all this stress, bad feeling, expense and endless streams of plastic tat (a.k.a. party bags) ending up in landfill?

What's wrong with celebrating birthdays with your family?

GreenTulips · 29/07/2019 20:35

The fact is leaving just one child in a group out does make it look like a deliberate exclusion

I don’t think anyone disagrees with this, AlmostAJillSandwich is just suggesting possible reasons for this.

It may be deliberate, it may be an oversight, I never did class parties, kids in favour changed every year, some years we invited 5 other years 10 or more, I have twins they did one weekend each. Some kids overlapped.

I can’t get worked up over it.

As twins I can’t think of one party they both attended - they knew early on sometimes it’s their turn sometimes it’s not.

Never offended!! Quite glad when we have party free weekends.

Atalune · 29/07/2019 20:38

Op it is absolutely disgraceful not to have invited your DD. Shame on that mum.

People are so unkind. I find it very sad.

Atalune · 29/07/2019 20:41

almost I think it’s rather sad that you don’t seem to have the emotional intelligence to understand that it would be a small kindness to invite the ops DD to a large group party.

I find attitudes like yours quite cold.

gamerchick · 29/07/2019 20:45

Never offended!! Quite glad when we have party free weekends

And if one of your twins NEVER got invited? Would you be happy you didn't have to attend so many? Would they have understood the fairness of it then do you think? Would you?

plasterboots · 29/07/2019 20:47

@AlmostAJillSandwich how fucking vike, Shane on you!

This is one child in a party of people not a one to one.

Saying SN or not, tough no one wants to play with that child,....

If more parents were inclusive then we wouldn't have this type of shit.

I don't think I've read a nastier post on MN ever, the child is six fucking years old!

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