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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you shouldn’t announce non-whole-class parties to the whole class?

193 replies

ChunkyMonkey4321 · 29/07/2019 01:45

I’m in a Facebook group for my daughter’s school class and a mum has just posted ‘DD is having a small party with friends she has chosen and I still need to hear back from the following...’ From that list and who I know they are friends with, I realised my daughter was the only girl not invited. If it hadn’t been announced I wouldn’t have known or cared. DD has some special needs but no formal diagnosis as of yet so I know I’m very sensitive! Of course you can’t invite everyone and I’ve never done whole class parties but am I the only one who thinks it’s a bit out of order announcing it to everyone?

OP posts:

Bobbyflay · 29/07/2019 08:08

If you write something on Facebook now, and she says that you can come as it was an oversight, you’ll have to say to the mum ‘sorry, my DD can’t come anyway’.

TBH I don’t think you’ll gain anything. I’d probably be upset in your position but I’d let it go. People will either invite your child out of pity or give you a wide birth in the playground from now on.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 29/07/2019 08:14

But DD has no idea she was not invited or the only one left out. It was a message in a group of adults. You can't go anyways.

If you want your daughter to have friends,encourage some playdates/outings at the park etc. Whole class parties aren't a sign she has friends, small group parties aren't a sign she doesn't.

Millie2018 · 29/07/2019 08:20

A mum did this in our WhatsApp group. Someone sent a similar comment to yours and she replied saying she didn’t have the individual numbers and didn’t know all the mums names. Seemed reasonable (although I agree a bit insensitive). It was a large soft play party.
I personally wouldn’t reply. Just because you don’t seem sure your daughter wasn’t the only girl not invited and you can’t make it anyway. So it so does now invite you, you will decline looking a bit petty.
It’s a shit. My DD didn’t get invited to a party once because she had eczema on her face and the mum told me she was scared her DD would catch it. Seriously. At the time I was fuming. For DD being excluded. But, I no longer see that Mum or child and DD hasn’t given it a second thought.

CoraPirbright · 29/07/2019 08:30

Insensitive at best, poisonous at worst. Sorry

diddl · 29/07/2019 08:30

Good Lord, I can see it's upsetting, but from the title I thought that an announcement had been made in the classroom!

TabbyMumz · 29/07/2019 08:31

So if she still needs to heR bCk fromcthe following and you haverealised your daughtef is the o ly girl not on the lust, surely that means none of the girls have accepted yet!?

SandyY2K · 29/07/2019 08:32

It's very insensitive to do that.

ForalltheSaints · 29/07/2019 08:32

YANBU to be upset.

Original poster

ChunkyMonkey4321 · 29/07/2019 08:34

Thanks for the messages in the meantime, especially from mums who have been in similar situations. I’ve got an older boy and I’ve never had any worries for him. There were 8 girls on the ‘haven’t replied’ list (only girls), she asked for 2 girls mums on the page the other day and she has a cousin and a best friend in the class, which takes us to 13 girls including her. All the girls in the class were invited except mine.

OP posts:

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 29/07/2019 08:36

Announcing it to the children and then only inviting some would be awful, yes. But I think parents should be able to handle it.

Bobbybobbins · 29/07/2019 08:37

YANBU

I have a DS just finished reception and not been invited to any school parties as he is autistic. We go to a school way outbid catchment so I don't know anybody. I would definitely rather not know!!!

HeffaLump1 · 29/07/2019 08:38

Yanbu to be upset, the mum handled it badly. From what you've said none of the girls mum's have RSVPd then if she has listed everyone that hasn't answered, and every other girl in dds class is on her list? Doubt the other mums will be very pleased being told to reply by a public message! (Not the point I know)

plasterboots · 29/07/2019 08:42

When are parents going to stop their children from excluding one child...... it's just so wrong.

I've no doubt the FB mum was making a statement and didn't even care about another's feelings as long as her child is ok!

I hope you're ok OP.

BeardedMum · 29/07/2019 08:44

So good to see that some people call this type of behaviour out! I wonder what goes on in people’s heads when they leave just a couple of children out.

hellodarkness · 29/07/2019 08:50

I wouldn't have said anything. It's her party and she can invite who she wants. As pp have said, she didn't tell the children, only the parents.

Either she's a nice person who struggled with not inviting your dd but decided not to for a genuine reason, or she's a horrible person who set out to upset you.

In the first scenario, she does not deserve to be called out on it. Perhaps her dd cried and begged her not to invite your dd? Perhaps they don't get on, or fell out at school?

In the second scenario, she won't care that you're upset and I wouldn't have given her the satisfaction of knowing that you were.

Either way, pointless publicly calling her out and just attracting even more attention to it. She will now feel the need to defend herself and tell everyone why she didn't invite your dd, and I assume that it won't be flattering.

4Smalls · 29/07/2019 08:51

I guarantee you: your daughter was not the only one who wasn't invited. I've been in your situation many times and I know it FEELS like your daughter's the only one, but I'd be willing to bet a very large sum that there are several others in the class not invited (and not just one or two others either). Unless you have iron-clad proof that your daughter's the only one not invited, I'd let it go.

MollyButton · 29/07/2019 08:57

I guarantee you: your daughter was not the only one who wasn't invited.

No you can't guarantee that - it does happen

hellodarkness · 29/07/2019 08:59

I also think there will be a few raised eyebrows since you yourself have never done whole class parties. I assume you let your dd decide who to invite now, as she has done?

And the WhatsApp message that has offended you was chasing up eight children. You have assumed that a further five girls have been invited, based on their known friendships. First, you might be wrong about that. Second, the mum may not have realised that you would sleuth to that extent. There are 14 girls in the class and she was chasing up 8, so not intentionally drawing attention to your dd being the only one left out.

What year group are we talking about?

seven201 · 29/07/2019 09:04

I can understand being hurt but I think it would be best to privately message her instead of doing it publicly. She's probably got a bit stressed at having no rsvp's and didn't have a way (or know a way) to contact everyone to chase them. I do agree with you though, she shouldn't have posted it.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 29/07/2019 09:05

This seems to do "rounds", in my experience - it varies between "do parties secretly and hope nobody finds out" and "own your decision not to invite everyone so nobody gets hurt afterwards".

You'll always have the parents who would rather not know, but you'll also always have the parents who would have rather known so they could explain to their child or prepare them to hear about it at school or do something nice with their kid themselves that evening, and I don't think there's been many "secret" parties that didn't come out eventually! Then people feel completely left out and alienated.

I don't think I'd have let my DD invite all the girls bar one if I was aware of it, although you have presumed that she's invited five, but at least you know that it's happening and if everyone is talking about it afterwards at school, you can support your DD

RaveOnThisCrazyFeeling · 29/07/2019 09:06

I bet some combination of cousin, best friend, and two girls whose mums she looked for last week can't make it to the party because of other commitments or whatever. So knowing that the party wouldn't be attended by every girl except one, she felt it ok to invite the other girls but not your dd... if she knew ahead of giving invitations that cousin or best friend would be away, maybe they technically 'weren't invited' either.

Not that that makes it feel any better to you, but it would allow her to reply to your comment along the lines "there are 13 girls in the class and we are having 8 becaise that's what we can afford / how many the venue allows etc". I wouldn't have commented on it publicly.

Aragog · 29/07/2019 09:09

Its horrible and just isn't on. And even worse for the mum to make it clear on the group chat.

It doesn't matter that your Dd can't see it. You can.

Almost parents wouldn't do that and wouldn't exclude just one child from a significant group (such as all but one girl/not or all but one in the class) in this way. We've always had the rule with Dd that it is half or less of any one group, or the whole group. I had no intention of allowing Dd to exclude one child.

But then reading here - obviously some parents are happy to exclude all but one, and to not care if the excluded parent knows it too. Plenty of people seemingly think it's okay.

TrickyKid · 29/07/2019 09:13

Has she announced it to the class or not? Sounds like it's just the parents who know so shouldn't be an issue. It was probably just the easiest way of doing it, I wouldn't take offence.

PassMeAnotherCoffee · 29/07/2019 09:23

I think when it's announced to an adults only group it's thoughtless but it's not the same as invitations being handed out in front of the children.

I have a child with SN who doesn't get invited to birthday parties, so I do feel your pain. He has AS and although few people disliked him in primary he was very rarely invited to parties. He saw and he knew and that's far worse than the parent seeing in a social media group.

You're going to have to toughen up for the years ahead.

4Smalls · 29/07/2019 09:25

Although it's mean and rotten to invite every girl but yours (though I'm still skeptical yours is the only one not invited!) I think we parents risk making too big a deal of birthday invites. And I say this as someone whose daughter wasn't invited to many parties at all (eg would go a whole year without an invite). I see mums tie themselves up in knots over these. Try to forget about it and move on - from what you say, your daughter's not even aware of it and it's your feelings that are hurt, not hers.

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