To think you shouldn’t announce non-whole-class parties to the whole class?

[ChunkyMonkey4321]

I’m in a Facebook group for my daughter’s school class and a mum has just posted ‘DD is having a small party with friends she has chosen and I still need to hear back from the following...’ From that list and who I know they are friends with, I realised my daughter was the only girl not invited. If it hadn’t been announced I wouldn’t have known or cared. DD has some special needs but no formal diagnosis as of yet so I know I’m very sensitive! Of course you can’t invite everyone and I’ve never done whole class parties but am I the only one who thinks it’s a bit out of order announcing it to everyone?

I've become quite thick skinned about parties. I also have a child with SN so I do understand the extra worry.

Although a bit untactful to message the whole group it's honestly probably not a personal attack against you or DD. do your DD and the birthday girl actually play together a lot? Do you know the mother well? A lot of parents are so busy they don't have time to dwell too much on party lists. Literally a quick 'the venue allows 20 people so with regret you have to exclude 10 from the class. Who do you play with the most/least?'

Has DD been invited to many other parties?

If she had invited the entire class except your DD my reply would have been different. Try not to take it to heart and I imagine DD is none the wiser at that age if it's her first year at school x

That's a really mean thing that mum did. Most mums I know would never do something like that. I'd be very hurt if my child was put in that situation. Absolutely invite whoever you want to your DC's birthday parties but it's not nice to announce it on a class group who's going and who is not. Children are taught at school not to exclude others, so it's not acceptable for adults to deliberately exclude people either. Well done on that comment Chunky Monkey.

Yanbu. I would never do that. I would hate to make a child/their parent on childs behalf feel hurt or left out. She should have the social awareness to know that's rude. Some people just dont think. A mum did the same on my daughter nursery group chat. I think its mean and totally understand why you are upset. Good for u for posting message.

That was a good message. If its on Facebook couldn't this woman have just PMd the individuals?

We had something similar last year - turned out it was a “all boys” party but about half of the invites had gone missing (they really had, it was all from letter R on). i had politely asked if my son was invited as Mum had posted on the class whatsapp page.

Your message is good and should be for the group to see - well done op

Your dd isn't going to be invited to every party, you're being a bit precious in my opinion. The Facebook thing was probably just the easiest way to mass message rather than trying to be spiteful.

You have my sympathy. My DD was invited to parties in Reception, but by year 2 the invitations dropped off to zero - it broke my heart when at the end of the school year my DD asked "Why hasn't anyone invited me to their parties this year?" I had hoped she hadn't realised. And she did have a party in the Spring, but none of the children invited had invited her to their parties. And my son (no real SN but not keen on football) was very aware when he was one of about 3 boys in the year not invited to one boy's "football party". He actually mentioned it to the Mother, and I hope she felt uncomfortable, because it was cruel.

That's awful

Some people are thoughtless. I don’t blame you for being upset and I too used to get so sad my boy wasn’t invited to parties (ASD). If it’s any help, he’s 8 now and has a lovely set of friends, he loves football and often gets an invite to a football party.

It hurts though and I think you did the right thing in commenting.

The Facebook thing was probably just the easiest way to mass message rather than trying to be spiteful.

Yeah, who cares if you upset people just so you can save yourself the 60 seconds it takes to copy and paste an identical message to a handful of people individually?

Some people just don’t give a stuff about others. And weirdly those people are often strangely smug about not giving a shit.

The parent posting on the group sounds a bit dim or deliberately hurtful. Well done for posting your message OP.

Sure folk will already know how nasty this woman is, but if they don’t they should. Bad manners.

I’d definitely message the mother but privately. Bullshit it’s a small party. What, she couldn’t fit in one extra girl?! Such rubbish. Inviting all the girls in the class except one is bullying in my opinion.

Did anyone respond OP?

If people RSVP’d then it wouldn’t have been necessary but that’s a whole other thread.

We have school fb groups and they’re often used for that as people are terrible for forgetting to RSVP. There have been a number of posts where only a select number of children have been invited, particularly in my older (Yr1) child’s class, as the whole class parties are slowing down.

I think it’s fine, but that’s coming from someone who’s experienced trying to organise a party where numbers are required for the venue/ entertainer and where people haven’t replied. Many parents don’t do school runs and if you don’t have the parents’ numbers it’s a good way of contacting people.

I’ve seen posts where my children haven’t been included and it’s natural to feel disappointment for them but that’s life. And they have found out about the parties via the classroom as children talk, but they haven’t been bothered as they understand that not everyone can be invited to every party (they’ve mentioned it in passing at later dates i.e. so and so had a party there, if we’ve walked past the venue).

Also, they have only listed the children whose parents haven’t responded; you can’t know every girl has been invited other than yours based on that. My children play with different children everywhere day and when asked to choose friends for a party would probably choose different ones two days in a row.

Really insensitive of her. What happens in our class is that people set up new groups with just the invited kids’ parents in and use that. I think your comment was fair and I bet you’re not the only one annoyed at someone using the class group for their own agenda rather than it’s intended purpose.

It's mean , I wouldn't do that. It's all or nothing. She should of invited your daughter

Bitch. Some people were raised by wolves and have no manners or empathy.

Dd (9 at time) invited to a party last year and the delightful birthday girl spent the whole time taunting dd about the marvellous sleepover they were having after it to which every other girl at the party was invited except dd. Dh picked her up as instructed by the kids mother and when they got home I have never seen dh so angry nor dd so upset. Unbiased mother but dd incredibly beautiful and fun and this girl jealous as hell. I was shocked the birthday mother enabled her child to be such a bitch though.

I'm sorry you've had to experience this OP, I would be very upset too. I think it is good to raise it, it will make people think and hopefully prevent it happening again.

I work with children with complex needs/SEN and it breaks my heart that children with SEN are often excluded from parties.

I personally think it’s unkind. If it was 6 girls not going, then fine. But to leave out just one. Not nice in my book. I can also appreciate how much it hurts. I don’t have a child with additional needs, but have worked with many, and unfortunately you are not the first that this has happened too, nor will you be the last.

When ds was 7, he wasn’t invited to a classmates party as they’d had a falling out- unbeknown to me until mum told me, and I said ‘whatever, boys will be boys, they will be friends next week’, as they were.

Then a year later we took SIX of ds’s friends bowling for his birthday, out of SIXTEEN boys in the class, and she complained to me that her son wasn’t invited!

Strangely she was their class teacher, so knew the numbers in her class etc. Therefore knew perfectly well that 10 boys had not been invited and it was not her son singled out. But apparently he was ‘upset as he’d never been bowling before’.

However one of the boys we took, had additional needs. They had all been together since reception, so the children were well aware that he had difficulty playing games, going by ‘rules’ etc, but they were taught to always include him, which they did. He was great, we had a few crawling under table moments etc, but nothing that couldn’t be handled, and when I dropped him home, as we had taken two cars to fit us all in and mum said to me ‘thank you for inviting him, because he never gets invited’. I had never noticed he wasn’t at all the parties. I always thought we had a fantastic class of children and parents, but I’ll be honest it made me look at everyone in a slightly different light.

To be honest it’s upset me as it seems like my daughter is about the only girl not invited

The wording in your message is a bit vague. Was your daughter the ONLY girl not invited or not? I think it makes a difference. Also how many girls are in the class?

Hope things work out with your daughter diagnoses.

How would she know what adult belonged to which child?!
Also she didn't rub it in the child's face. I assume the children aren't on the group?

I feel for you but I’d probably not reply as it’s really not worth it. Both my DCs have been left out at times, esp DD at primary as she was quiet and reserved. I did get very upset once when a party mum came up to me and other mum in Year 1 I think to say to the other mum ‘X would love to invite A to her party in the holidays...’ right next to me whose DD was not invited. It was such a mean thing to do and totally unnecessary (she could’ve phoned/texted etc).
The DDs were already in the classroom but obv my DD was having a tough time w not being asked to things and it was horrid.
I think as mums we sometimes feel more upset than our DCs about these things as we ‘know’ what it says about other children’s attitudes to our own kids. I’m not talking about occasionally not being invited, but persistently.

Also DS was friends w a girl with Sen in his class at primary and she came to one of his parties. The mum offered to stay and I accepted (as potential mobility issues). Sen should not be a barrier (but sadly it is).