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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you shouldn’t announce non-whole-class parties to the whole class?

193 replies

ChunkyMonkey4321 · 29/07/2019 01:45

I’m in a Facebook group for my daughter’s school class and a mum has just posted ‘DD is having a small party with friends she has chosen and I still need to hear back from the following...’ From that list and who I know they are friends with, I realised my daughter was the only girl not invited. If it hadn’t been announced I wouldn’t have known or cared. DD has some special needs but no formal diagnosis as of yet so I know I’m very sensitive! Of course you can’t invite everyone and I’ve never done whole class parties but am I the only one who thinks it’s a bit out of order announcing it to everyone?

OP posts:
UrsulaPandress · 29/07/2019 10:38

Nothing wrong with inviting who you want to a party, but it should be kept amongst that group, not broadcast to the wider community.

ineedaholidaynow · 29/07/2019 10:40

hello the OP said she had messaged a couple of other mums previously and the other 2 girls are best friends and a cousin, so probably no need to message them in that group. So that covers all the girls in the class.

llangennith · 29/07/2019 10:41

Thoughtless and ignorant to use a FB class group page to chase up replies for an event to which only some children have been invited.

OrchidInTheSun · 29/07/2019 10:46

Hello - there are a lot of genuinely mean parents around if you have a child with additional needs. It's a real eye opener.

Bertieandernie · 29/07/2019 10:48

Don’t think it’s anything to do with you who they invite though Hmm

hellodarkness · 29/07/2019 10:49

"hello the OP said she had messaged a couple of other mums previously and the other 2 girls are best friends and a cousin, so probably no need to message them in that group. So that covers all the girls in the class."

Yes I know that op feels that she's worked out that 13 girls must have been invited. I'm just explaining why the offending mum might not have felt that she was being rude by messaging, given that she was addressing 8 children out of, say, 30.

I certainly wouldn't have posted that message. I do think it comes across as thoughtless. But I also sincerely doubt that that mother intended to upset a child or a parent.

And I think it was wrong to tick her off for it.
Because she's probably just a harassed mum who's made a misjudgement.

And because she's probably right now telling everyone why OP's dd wasn't invited.

And because op will feel like a tit if she comes back to say - actually four girls aren't invited, or are you aware your dd has been horrible to mine this term, or whatever plausible excuse there might be.

gnushoes · 29/07/2019 11:14

I did this by mistake once - invited all the boys in my son's class except one. I genuinely forgot him and we didn't get class lists by that point so I could check. Another mum pointed it out to me and I invited him very quickly, though he and my boy didn't get on particularly well (which is how he'd been forgotten) Busy parent, dopey child - it can happen. Not saying it did in this case but it can.

whothedaddy · 29/07/2019 11:20

It seems it was a post on a facebook group-so not announced to the children, only the parents.
It must be difficult when your child isn't invited but people have a right to invite or not invite as they see fit.
Yes it's not nice when you are the one missing out but that's life really isn't it? we don't always get what we want.

My DD was at a party a couple of weeks back. Most of the girls at the party were talking about another classmates party they were going to in the afternoon, DD wasn't invited. Did she get upset, no. If you want to be offended you can find offense anywhere. I'd drop it. Calling the mum out may just get you marked as a problem parent and stop the other parents inviting your child to future parties.

ineedaholidaynow · 29/07/2019 11:21

And for the PP who said they might not know who the parents of the girls might be so couldn’t private message them, I would understand that at the beginning of the school year not the end. I am sure if the Facebook group has been going for the year the parents would have mentioned their child’s name at some point.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 29/07/2019 11:50

@ineedaholidaynow my son has had the same class for 2 years. I've only learnt who 3 parents are. We have a Facebook group similar to OP. It's only been used for chasing up party invites. Trying to work out what's happening with assemblies and who's wearing what to world book day.

ineedaholidaynow · 29/07/2019 12:09

Contraception don't they mention their child's name in the posts eg little Johnny wants to go as superman for world book day, what is everyone else doing?

3sugars · 29/07/2019 12:16

YANBU. My ds7 has asd and party invites have almost stopped now, only being invited to one this past year. I've put this down to parties getting smaller, going from whole class ones to small groups and accept (whilst it's upsetting) that ds isn't high up on lists of friends. I would be devastated to learn that he had been the only boy not invited to a child's party and would see it as a deliberate exclusion. It breaks my heart every time we take his older sister to a party and he asks when he can go to a party too.

Arthur2shedsJackson · 29/07/2019 12:17

I might have posted this before but it’s relevant. Before one of my DCs started school we were invited to a ‘new parents’ evening to learn the ropes. The class teacher said, ‘if your child is having a party and you’re inviting whole class I’ll be happy to hand out the invitations for you. If you’re not inviting the whole class, do your own dirty work.’

Contraceptionismyfriend · 29/07/2019 12:24

@ineedaholidaynow yes. But not everyone actually posts and I don't create a tally.

Ginger1982 · 29/07/2019 12:28

Has anyone responded to your comment OP?

diddl · 29/07/2019 12:32

" If you’re not inviting the whole class, do your own dirty work.’"

How ridiculous.

So only whole class parties were deemed acceptable?

Or why couldn't she just have said that invitations were only given out to whole class parties?

ineedaholidaynow · 29/07/2019 12:35

To be fair children's parties have absolutely nothing to do with school and teachers have enough to do without having to hand out party invites

chocatoo · 29/07/2019 12:40

I recall same thing happening to my lovely sweet DD years ago. A friend whose child was at the party confirmed that it was so. I will never forget how upset I felt on behalf of my daughter. It actually made me cry and I don’t do that very often. I would NEVER exclude one or two.

OrchidInTheSun · 29/07/2019 12:46

Some of you are tying yourself in knots trying to excuse excluding one girl. Of course the mother is well aware that her daughter has only excluded the OP's daughter. That's why she put the note about it being her daughter's choice.

I have seen people look at my child and usher their children away like his disabilities are catching. I have seen parents cultivating some friendships because they think they are the 'right' friendships (parents are clearly middle class, clever child, nice car) and discouraging others (not the brightest, obviously not wealthy, lots of siblings, a bit loud).

A lot of social engineering takes place in primary school

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 29/07/2019 12:46

It’s just such a shit deal. You know, should DD want a party (or DS or DD2) then the limit is a hard 10.

This is because

a) it’ll be at ours as we can’t afford a venue

b) I am prepared to leave out 50-60% of her classmates so she or I never intentionally or unintentionally exclude 1

c) the invitations would be via email or by hand, at school gate or Rainbows or something

The world of kids’ parties has become - IME - just another cock measuring contest meaning some parents can really let their arsehole flag fly.

Nicpem1982 · 29/07/2019 12:53

@ChunkyMonkey4321 that's really awful for your dd to be excluded especially if it is due to her SN.

JustTwoMoreSecs · 29/07/2019 12:55

She didn’t announce it to the children though, only the parents, who you would assume are mature enough not to be upset at their DC not being invited to a party...
So, going against everybody, YABU in my opinion.

MollyButton · 29/07/2019 12:59

She didn’t announce it to the children though, only the parents, who you would assume are mature enough not to be upset at their DC not being invited to a party...

Except the children will be talking about it beforehand in school - and afterwards at school. And just because a DC doesn't mention it doesn't mean they haven't noticed they haven't been invited. In fact they often internalise it as "I'm not likeable."

diddl · 29/07/2019 13:02

"Except the children will be talking about it beforehand in school - and afterwards at school."

But that applies to any party so unless everyone always does a whole class then there's always someone not invited!

wednesday32 · 29/07/2019 13:08

Does your daughter play with the girl whose birthday it is? Are they friends? It is not nice that one person is left out but maybe use this as an opportunity to ask your daughter who she plays with? If she is struggling to fit in maybe speak to her teacher and perhaps try and organise a play date/after school dinner. Take this as a chance to help your daughter work on her friendships.