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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you shouldn’t announce non-whole-class parties to the whole class?

193 replies

ChunkyMonkey4321 · 29/07/2019 01:45

I’m in a Facebook group for my daughter’s school class and a mum has just posted ‘DD is having a small party with friends she has chosen and I still need to hear back from the following...’ From that list and who I know they are friends with, I realised my daughter was the only girl not invited. If it hadn’t been announced I wouldn’t have known or cared. DD has some special needs but no formal diagnosis as of yet so I know I’m very sensitive! Of course you can’t invite everyone and I’ve never done whole class parties but am I the only one who thinks it’s a bit out of order announcing it to everyone?

OP posts:
Wakeupalready · 29/07/2019 03:39

Nice reply.
And a rubbish thing for the other mum to do in the first place.

Yeahnahmum · 29/07/2019 03:43

Against the grain here
I dont get all the commotion actually
Your daughter is the only GIRL not invited
So if dd was a ds it would have been fine?
Sorry but it is up to the birthday girl to invite who she wants. Maybe she doesnt like her. Maybe because of her special needs or maybe just because they dont get along
Or maybe there was onlyplace for 8 kids eg. But that is fine. You can't force anyone to invite all the girls (?)from class To her birthday party .Just because otherwise there is 1 person left out.

That is life. Even kids will realise this. And this probably happened to each and everone at a certain moment of our lives. We all lived haha

Also you dd doesnt even know? YOU are on fb she isnt. So who cares? Just remember to not invite that girl to your dd's birthday party 😂 oh no wait. Because then SHE will be the only one not invited. ..

Hmm..Grin

I always wonder how dads would react to this. As in. Would they just say:" o well that is shit "and get on with things? Or would they also go to MN to make a thread about it 🤔😅

daisyboocantoo · 29/07/2019 03:44

Ask yourself, what are you hoping to achieve here?

I wouldn't comment at all. Parties aren't secret and shouldn't be hidden. DS has a diagnosis and rarely got invited, which used to sting especially as DD got invited to everything but they didn't seem to mind. If they mentioned it we always told them the thing to do was to with the birthday child a very happy birthday but we didn't buy a present unless we were invited. The only time we ever intervened was when one kid was taunting DS about not being invited.

Now that they are a bit older, they accept that they can't be invited to everything with grace.

So whilst I, personally wouldn't have sent out the message to the whole class, I also wouldn't comment. Pick your battles carefully.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 29/07/2019 04:04

I don't see the problem. It's been announced in a private group containing the adults?
My DS class has a group for his class. This is literally all it's been used for. And everyone wondering who's wearing what for the book day.
The kids can't see I presume? She didn't walk into the middle of the class room and shout it out. I also think your comment was extremely petty and if I was that mum I'd just eat mark you as someone to avoid.

Original poster
ChunkyMonkey4321 · 29/07/2019 04:10

I’d be very happy for her to avoid me. DD having special needs upsets me, mostly for how she is desperate for friends and so loving but struggles with relationships. Things like this just confirm that nobody wants to be her friend and it breaks my heart.

OP posts:
Polyjuice · 29/07/2019 04:12

I agree with the previous two posters - also you don’t have a leg to stand on really if you have small parties and especially if you haven’t invited the birthday girl. Pity she’s asked all the other girls but I wouldn’t make a comment if you invited only a few to your daughter’s party, even if you were more discreet about it.

Original poster
ChunkyMonkey4321 · 29/07/2019 04:14

@polyjuice I was referring to my son’s parties.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChunkyMonkey4321 · 29/07/2019 04:15

It’s my daughters first year at school no she has a summer birthday

OP posts:
broken1982 · 29/07/2019 04:30

I can understand your upset and the mother probably hadn't even thought when she posted to the group about you also being on there but as pp pointed out, children don't like all their classmates and it's their choice who they invite to their birthday party, so sad as it is your dd just isn't a chosen one from this birthday girl

Original poster
ChunkyMonkey4321 · 29/07/2019 04:42

I should probably try and sleep now as I have work in a few hours but just to clarify - yes I would love it if my daughter had friends who wanted to invite her to parties but it is ENTIRELY up to each person who they invite to a party, if they have one. I just think it’s not great to announce it to everyone when not everyone is included. It is totally this birthday girl or mum’s right and prerogative to choose who she does or doesn’t want at her party.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChunkyMonkey4321 · 29/07/2019 04:43

For me in this case: ignorance is bliss

OP posts:
Seahorseshoe · 29/07/2019 05:08

Yanbu, that would upset me too. Your poor DD, I'd have to say something. I couldn't sit on it. I hate things like this.

TapasForTwo · 29/07/2019 05:58

I think some posters have completely missed the point about how shitty it is to advertise a party where all the girls bar one have been invited Hmm

katewhinesalot · 29/07/2019 05:58

I'd probably private messages her rather than announce it to everyone.

Celebelly · 29/07/2019 06:11

Surely it's better you know so you're prepared if your DD finds out?

Bezalelle · 29/07/2019 06:12

"I wouldn't dare"

You need to learn to dare, to stand up for your DD.

mathanxiety · 29/07/2019 06:14

I think your comment was appropriate.

The other woman was incredibly rude and thoughtless.

Cherrysherbet · 29/07/2019 06:17

That’s a really shit thing to do. Most decent people wouldn’t rub the uninvited persons nose in it.
Typical of school parties though, in my experience. Parents generally couldn’t care less about the feelings of others as long as their child is included.
School parties are a minefield. Sorry this happened op. I’ve been in your shoes, and it’s horrible.

SinkGirl · 29/07/2019 06:20

YeahNahMum spectacularly missing the point there.

MaybeitsMaybelline · 29/07/2019 06:22

I’m sure it wasn’t intentional, but rather insensitive, selfish and stupid, in that she is using a shared board for shared topics for her own personal notifications.

imalrightjack · 29/07/2019 06:24

YABU - it wasn't a whole class party. You're making an issue when there isn't one and you've probably made the mum feel very uncomfortable.

HennyPennyHorror · 29/07/2019 06:34

Imalrightjack no she isn't! It was a party which includes all the girls bar the OP's DD! She never said it WAS a whole class party...she said "Non whole class party"

And the OP has realised her DD is the only girl not invited.

That is shitty.

coffeeeandtv · 29/07/2019 06:41

OP, I feel so terribly sorry for your daughter, I can now, thank goodness can see the end in sight with my children's academic experiences, there are many things I know now that I wish I had known 12 years ago the main one being that not all parents have your empathetic, caring mindset and don't care which child/parent they upset, walk over and devastate in order for their 'beloved' to be 'the best at' or 'popular.' What do you hope to achieve with replying to the FB post? The question to ask is do you or your daughter actually want to associate with someone who could actually leave one child out a party?
Trust me your daughter will find her feet, her own friends who she feels comfortable with either in school or at clubs eg brownies. Leave the mean girls/mums to out mean each other and stand by and watch, year 5/6 girls are the best for entertainment with warring girls/mums.

KindKoala · 29/07/2019 06:47

I wouldn’t - it’s upsetting to see your child left out. They’re obviously all on WhatsApp so why not just message them separately?!

RageAgainstTheVendingMachine · 29/07/2019 06:59

the mother probably hadn't even thought when she posted to the group about you also being on there

Nah, she knew - hence saying the party was both 'small' and that her daughter had chosen the invites thus absolving her from any responsibility....still sucks though. Am on a group e-mail, not a group chat, but had I received an e-mail of the same I'd have thought Rude! and moved on...