To think you shouldn’t announce non-whole-class parties to the whole class?

[ChunkyMonkey4321]

I’m in a Facebook group for my daughter’s school class and a mum has just posted ‘DD is having a small party with friends she has chosen and I still need to hear back from the following...’ From that list and who I know they are friends with, I realised my daughter was the only girl not invited. If it hadn’t been announced I wouldn’t have known or cared. DD has some special needs but no formal diagnosis as of yet so I know I’m very sensitive! Of course you can’t invite everyone and I’ve never done whole class parties but am I the only one who thinks it’s a bit out of order announcing it to everyone?

I agree over thinking and projecting your issues onto kids is daft and they need to learn resilience and that you’re not invited to everything and the best approach is a brisk not to worry one. Whining to other adults about lack of invite is ultimate cringe.

But occasionally a line of basic decency is crossed which is just hurtful. Not sure if this happened here but leaving out one or rubbing non invitees face in it is not on

I think it's shitty to invite all girls except one or 2. In defense of the mum posting on FB though, she might not have the contact details of each individual mum, especially if it is the first year in school, and not know any other way to chase the invites. Before there was a school FB group I had a party for DD1 in the summer holidays and it was so frustrating not having had replies from some and not being able to contact them to chase.

Have all the girl invitees not accepted then?

I wouldn't have said anything. It's her party and she can invite who she wants. As pp have said, she didn't tell the children, only the parents.

I've never understood this attitude. It's downright childish, frankly. Accepting this comment it at face value, yes, this mother is at liberty to invite who she wants and exclude who she wants. But announcing it loud and clear on a full-group app (rather than discreetly messaging the individual people involved) goes beyond rude, and into 'I'm openly excluding you, so yah boo sucks to you Playground Politics territory'. And people who behave this way have a lot of growing up to do.

@ChunkyMonkey 4321 your message hits exactly the right note, excepting I'd be inclined to leave out the opening disclaimer 'I'm not being funny but ...' . That immediately looks like someone spoiling for a row, and in any case, no disclaimers are necessary. A bald statement of facts will do the job nicely, and I agree with every word you say (and would do, were I a member of this group).

If your message causes said mother to apologise profusely, say it was a genuine oversight and issue the invitation, it most likely was a genuine oversight. If she starts with the 'you're being oversensitive' line, you'll know it was a deliberate passive-aggressive gesture, and can treat her accordingly from now on.

Either way, I wouldn't be worried that the message might give her a few uncomfortable moments. She didn't concern herself about yours.

Your posts are so emotive and sad OP. I so feel for your DD and you. I’d feel exactly the same.

Has she replied?

There are 6 girls in my dd class that play together. One is especially mean to my dd. Last year she even gave me the party invite back. I didn't want her to be the only one not to come so I messaged the mum to ask her. She did end up coming. You cannot just leave out 1 child. Maybe if she only invited 3/4 girls who she was close too fair enough. This is on the mum not the child.

Another thought. Does your child interact and play with the other girls?

Maybe the mum genuinely doesn't know all the girls in the class and can only go on the names her daughter gives?

Maybe she didn't know there was just one girl left out?

I know you're in a FB group but maybe she thinks you have a son and doesn't actually know about your daughter if she doesn't play with her daughter?

How does this what's app work? Can't you message people individually?

One is especially mean to my dd. Last year she even gave me the party invite back. I didn't want her to be the only one not to come so I messaged the mum to ask her. She did end up coming. You cannot just leave out 1 child

I wonder what lesson you taught your daughter on her birthday?

I think It's a Facebook group not a chat but yes you can send messages individually or to a number of people at once.

YANBU.

My DS has SEN and hasn’t been invited to a some whole class parties. One time the mother posted photos of the party on fb and it was very clear the whole class had been invited minus my DS, another year the mother stood at the door handing invites but didn’t have one for DS. Another time one of DSs friends said his mum had forgotten the invite, his friend kept asking his mum in front of DS and she kept saying ‘tomorrow,tomorrow’, clearly she hadn't wanted DS there even though her son did and that was another whole class party. Neither of these parents had an issue bringing their children to my sons parties!

She isn't mean all the time just ever so often. Sometimes the play together. She wanted her to come.

I wouldn't say anything

I thought you meant invites handed out physically to all but your Dd, not a FB reminder to the adults.

This is why FB groups like that only cause upset.

Feel so sad for you and your DD - what a spiteful thing to do. Please do send your message - it may stop others from doing anything so unkind and mean and save the feelings of another child. Please let us know how it goes

I've no issue with smaller parties of closer friends. Perfectly understandable, and through y1 and definitely by y2 there was a move to this away from the larger parties.

DS1 is the older end of the school year so the trends aren't established by the time we get to planning his party. We did 2x whole class then it was clear we'd moved away from that. He is in a class with a minority of boys, so when I asked him for names, we ended up with about 9/13. So for that difference it made sense to just invite the remaining boys. The parties have dwindled again, so next time it will be a closer core of friends.

DS2 has only 11 boys in the class, one of which has SNs and works 1:1 on the periphery of whole class activity. If I'm doing whole class/ all the boys, I will invite him and let his parents be the judge of what is suitable for him, not decide for them.

Leaving out one or two where there is no bad history is thoughtless. Where SNs are a major factor in the way children socialise, it's so easy for them to be omitted each time and accumulate in minimal invitations through the year.

"I've never understood this attitude. It's downright childish, frankly."

No, childish is failing to understand that not everyone likes you and sometimes you won't get invited.

"But announcing it loud and clear on a full-group app (rather than discreetly messaging the individual people involved) goes beyond rude, and into 'I'm openly excluding you, so yah boo sucks to you Playground Politics territory'"

Maybe, although several pp have offered alternative versions that don't automatically assume the worst of someone. Plus, she was addressing 8 people, and there are 14 girls in the class. And she used phrases like 'small party' and 'people who my dd has chosen.' On balance, I don't think she was trying to be rude or bully anyone.

"I wonder what lesson you taught your daughter on her birthday?"

That the mean girl's feelings matter more than her own.

For those saying the OP shouldn’t do anything, would it have been ok for the mum to have posted the following message “could the parents of all the girls, with the exception of Chunky whose daughter is not invited, let me know whether your daughter can come to the party”? Because that is in effect what she has done.

Fine to only invite who you want, but it is mean to leave one person out. Also private message people if it is for a private event and not school related on a school parent Facebook group.

Superb reply OP. Do let us know what the thoughtless (at best) woman replies.

If nothing else, this is a good lesson early on for your poor DD that people can be utter sh1ts

@ineedaholidaynow and how could she private message the parents if she didn't know what parent belongs to what child?

If you have a child with additional needs, your child is always the only child left out.

The OP has said all the girls in the class were invited except her daughter. Leaving one girl out is unkind and one of the really important things we should be teaching our children is kindness.

"For those saying the OP shouldn’t do anything, would it have been ok for the mum to have posted the following message “could the parents of all the girls, with the exception of Chunky whose daughter is not invited, let me know whether your daughter can come to the party”? Because that is in effect what she has done."

Not really. There are 14 girls in the class, and presumably a similar number of boys.

Her message was to 8 people.

I'm regularly on the other end of this. I teach, and have seen perfectly nice parents getting shit for not inviting someone or other. Usually they had a good reason, or there's been a misunderstanding. I don't think there are many genuinely mean people around who enjoy hurting kids.

Really rude!
She should've PM's the parents of the children she hadn't heard back from yet!