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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you actually can't do after having children?

417 replies

BinkyBaa · 27/07/2019 21:54

I'd like to have children in the next few years but I'm a serial worrier/over planner. I see lots of vague statements get thrown around on here about things like holidays and hobbies not being possible anymore after children.
Obviously I know life is different forever after having DCs but aibu to ask is there really anything children stop you doing ever again entirely?

OP posts:
TheTrollFairy · 27/07/2019 22:52

Leave the house quickly!
In a rush?? Tough luck!

You can’t just pop to the shop if there is no one in to watch the kids.
Or get a lift home from your DP when the babies are in bed.

You can’t just do stuff on a whim

And you absolutely cannot day/admit to anything embarrassing in front of your kids without them telling someone else about it 🤷‍♀️

FenellaMaxwell · 27/07/2019 22:54

Go to the loo alone
Eat anything without sharing it
Wear snot free clothes between September and April
Drink a really hot drink

powershowerforanhour · 27/07/2019 22:55

Do stuff with your partner, unless you have lots of family support handy or a nanny.
So you can still have a lie in, go for a long walk at a decent clip over rough ground, swim in the sea, fall asleep in the park on a sunny day, get properly drunk, cook a meal that requires a lot of preparation and co-ordination, go up the stepladder into the attic to rummage through stuff for a camping trip...but only one of you at a time, not together.

boosterrooster · 27/07/2019 22:56

Before you anything else you need to now factor them in first
You don't get to eat until after you've fed them.
No more lie ins at the weekend, if baby wants a 5am start then that's what's happening!
You won't get to go to the toilet alone anymore.
You'll have less disposable income
No more booking last minute weekends away or city breaks or the likes

But they are oh so worth it 😊

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 27/07/2019 22:57

Walk through your house without finding a raisin/bit of playdoh/sticker/old bean stuck to the bottom of your foot

Loubylou79 · 27/07/2019 22:58

General spontaneity!

FirstTimeToddlerMum · 27/07/2019 22:58

It's been said a few times already but just going to echo the not being able to just "pop" anywhere. There's no "shall we go cinema tonight?" On an evening with my DP anymore.

Not being able to just have some time alone. I'm constantly either at work , with DS or with DS and DP. I hate how few and far between alone time is , but I enjoy my own company so struggle a bit more with that.

But I will say the usual , my DS is so totally worth it and he just makes the most mundane things feel a little bit more special.

pintsizeduck · 27/07/2019 23:01

Bouncing on a trampoline without some underwear protection, go to sleep without worrying about their welfare no matter where you are or how drunk you may be and (unless you have a very good sitter) wild holidays to Vegas or Ibiza etc (places that are very much an 18/21+ culture).

Sunshine93 · 27/07/2019 23:01

For me the main things, which have been said before, are

Everything has to be planned, no spontaneous lunches that turn into afternoons out

Weekends are not relaxing anymore. I forgot about the days of watching shit tv, reading books then pottering out for a walk before going to the pub. That doesn't happen anymore and while you might arrange childcare so you can go to the pub you wont arrange it so that you can relax and do nothing.

As you are an organiser i would advIse thinking about childcare in advance. Do you have grandparents locally? Are you in a financial position to pay for a babysitter? If neither of those are true you will be staying in for the next 13 years!!

Crunchymum · 27/07/2019 23:01

I am never, ever, ever able to think about "just" me.

I am now part of a package and I need to consider all our needs / wants / preferences.

Teaandchocolatecake · 27/07/2019 23:01

Like many others on here I miss my continence!

nowifi · 27/07/2019 23:03

Can't be in a room on my own if my daughter is at home, she finds me within 5 minutes 😁😥

NewAccount270219 · 27/07/2019 23:06

I feel like people are (mostly) answering an entirely different question to what OP asked. She asked

is there really anything children stop you doing ever again entirely?

But people are mostly answering

what can't you do right now that you'd like to be able to?

People are mostly talking about short or at most medium term things, not things you can't do ever again. Only the psychological (the worry) and the pelvic floor issues are permanent if you have healthy, neurotypical children (not a given by any means, of course). If OP has a baby she might go through a stage where it doesn't feel like she'll ever pee alone again, but the chances of that being true are very low!

Also, so many of these are dependent on circumstance - people keep listing as impossible things that are perfectly possible with a partner who pulls their weight.

insideoutsider · 27/07/2019 23:09

I have not RTFT but the things I can't do now that I have children:

  • Can't just grab my keys and run to the shops when I need to
  • Can't decide to lay in bed as long as I like in the morning
  • Can't choose to sit on my sofa all day or stay out all day just because I feel like it
  • Can't just take a short break somewhere because I'm free and there are cheap flights
  • Can't decide not to cook or not have food at home
  • Can't take up any new hobbies or agree to meet up with people at short notice
There's more but just those come to mind.
Heymummee · 27/07/2019 23:09

Spontaneity is the one thing I miss. I envy friends who can just go for a drink after work because they fancy it, or just go away for a romantic weekend for example.

Everything has to be planned, even just going out to the shops requires military precision for a long time.

Then they get older and it’s much easier Smile

All of these so called sacrifices are 100% worth it. I wouldn’t swap my life for all the money in the world.

Elfinaflower · 27/07/2019 23:09

I really miss being able to avoid grocery shopping.

That is my main one. I resent having to constantly order groceries or pop to the shops. I loved having to only organise feeding myself.

FreddiesMammy · 27/07/2019 23:10

Get a good nights sleep!. DS won’t sleep without me so I’m poked and prodded all night

Ginger1982 · 27/07/2019 23:15

Having a holiday where you sit and read on a sun lounger, at least whilst they're toddlers anyway!

bridgetreilly · 27/07/2019 23:15

It's actually quite a short amount of time that they have a significant impact on day to day life - there's a lot that's harder to do with small babies, different things with toddlers, children, then teenagers. But they do grow up and leave home and in 15-20 years time you can basically go back to doing whatever you want. The emotional and financial impact are much longer lasting than the restrictions on your social life.

pickme · 27/07/2019 23:16

And if they turn out to have special needs/disabilities...

bridgetreilly · 27/07/2019 23:17

people keep listing as impossible things that are perfectly possible with a partner who pulls their weight.

Absolutely. If you're a single parent, a LOT of things are very much harder. If you're in a healthy relationship where you both work together for the good of the family, then generally you can manage to do the things that are important to each of you.

PetraRabbit · 27/07/2019 23:17

I bounce on trampolines, run and sneeze without leaking- it's not inevitable for everyone.

I became a mother in my 40s which I recommend as an excellent way of never feeling deprived of 'living life'....I did everything I wanted to do before I had children in terms of social life and travelling etc.

For me the biggest thing is that I can never completely relax....unless I know my DC is safe and healthy. A lot of your headspace goes to worry and vigilance. With a child of only 2 years old I can't say if that gets easier but I'm told the fear of something happening to them never, ever goes away and I believe that.

furryleopard · 27/07/2019 23:17

There are things you can do though, mainly get your photo taken with mascots eg as a kid I always wanted my photo taken with Rory the Tiger the Haven mascot, I was always too shy to do it. The other year I encouraged DD to go for her photo knowing she'd want me to go with her, childhood dream fulfilled! I'd have looked so weird with no kid involved. Plus we watch a lot of cool telly, like Hey Duggee and DH watched all the 2012 series of Ninja Turtles with DD and loved it plus she got into his 90s version too so he got to watch some of those again (spoiler: they are terrible). I think it'd be a bit odd just sitting watching Turtles at 36...

But I do miss just 'nipping to the shop' doesn't happen with kids you need to allow an hour prep time.

BizzzzyBee · 27/07/2019 23:22

Things I can’t ever do again:

  • Wear a bikini or lingerie because my stomach is permanently scarred with stretch marks
  • Touch my stomach and have normal sensation because my c section caused permanent numbness
-Look nice because this mum tum of loose skin makes me look hideous no matter what I wear -Exercise because my loose belly flaps up and down painfully
Mrscog · 27/07/2019 23:22

You literally can never fully relax ever again. I either worry about them dying, or me dying whilst they are still young. And when I’m not worrying about death I’m worry about whether they eat healthily enough/the activities I provide are enriching enough/about the times I’ve been really angry with them. I don’t regret the DC I have for a second but if j could go back I would have thought twice about the whole thing. In short the love is too much.