To ask what you actually can't do after having children?

[BinkyBaa]

I'd like to have children in the next few years but I'm a serial worrier/over planner. I see lots of vague statements get thrown around on here about things like holidays and hobbies not being possible anymore after children.
Obviously I know life is different forever after having DCs but aibu to ask is there really anything children stop you doing ever again entirely?

Go to fancy restaurants, or restaurants that don't have kids meal for fussy eaters. I.e. no Thai food, no sushi etc

Have date nights, especially if you have a child that doesn't sleep and don't want to inflict them on anyone that might baby sit.

Reading a book!

Having a bath

Cinema! I miss going to the cinema!

No going to gym/ doing exercise.

As others have said, you can still do anything you like but never spontaneously. Want a lie in after a party? Argue it out with DH first as to who gets up with the kids the next morning. Going out to the cinema? Sort a babysitter before booking. Even going to the loo can be tricky, I often end up holding on until naptime

If you’re male nothing changes at all. If your female you are never the same again.

Oh! as they get older bringing shopping home &putting orange juice in fridge & actually finding it there half an hour later (though you might find the empty box - expletive deleted!)

Things I’ve wanted to do but can’t wjthout a great deal of planning and or difficulty -

Go to a festival with friends spur of the moment
Go on holiday with friends spur of the moment
Go for drinks with friends spur of the moment
Go clothes shopping and be able to try whatever clothes I want on without someone other than me crying
Go for a meal with DH and stay as long as we like

You’re

Technically you can do whatever you like but you have only a certain amount of time and energy so you have to prioritise and often you end up feeling that to do the things you want to do is not worth the organisational effort, cost and hassle of arranging to do it

It’s mainly this for me. I have 3 young DC, a very supportive, hands on DH and my mum lives round the corner and is a fantastic grandparent and willing babysitter, so theoretically I could do lots of stuff. But I’m too bloody knackered! When they’re in bed I just conk out on the sofa. Even if I do work up the energy for a night out, the baby gets up at 6am so no lie in.

@Nottalotta - I suppose we had the 'advantage' that when ours were tiny we were still stuck in a two-bed flat, plus neither of them was given to climbing/bolting/fiddling with risky things (which were surprisingly good at keeping out of reach given we are not organised home-makers)!

I lock the door when I go to the toilet though

Sleep past 6 am

Or barely at all, during the first 18 months

Even walking is perilous with my ruined Pelvic Floor muscles...

I can no longer hear/read certain news stories without feeling massively affected. Having children definitely opened some sort of maternal door that was previously shut firmly and this seems to extend to any and all suffering children.

Other things I can't do:
Sneeze without crossing my legs if my bladder is over 60%
Go on a trampoline
Go braless
Go shopping for myself without buying something for the DC as well.

I agree that doing things spontaneously is the main one for me. I did go out to the gym, nights out, meet with friends, kept up my hobbies and interests but everything had to be planned & constant checking that DH was in if I wanted to go out. But it was all perfectly possible.

And I never had problems having a shower or using the bathroom privately, but I was very strict and had an amazingly unclingy baby .

I don’t think there are any good enough reasons to not want kids, unless it’s because you just don’t want them. Yes, they are hard work, but so is life sometimes.

Also, it goes soooo fast. They’re grown up before you blink.

You can't do anything. Your life as an independent person, with views of your own, is over.

So get planning for that!

DD is 13 months and since she was born there is a long list of things I used to do or would like to do that I haven't been able to yet or hardly. E.g. I have painted my toenails once about a month ago. That was the first time since before she was born. I have never been to the gym or any kind of exercise other than a 6 week postnatal light exercise class when she was about 3 months old. I have done very little socialising and DH and I have had I think 3 lunches without her since March (the first since before she was born) as that's when I went back to work so nursery did the childcare. We have no childcare otherwise for social events so we can't do 'dates' or do stuff together like we used to. Sleep obviously impacted but nowhere near as bad as other people. Cannot pop out to the shops even without everything taking forever and copious tears from DD. She's a crier and although not so bad now as when she was tiny, still cries a lot and now also throws tantrums too, great. Everything is a rush. Especially eating. Because you never know when she'll suddenly decide she's bored and start screaming at the top of her lungs and everyone in the cafe is glaring at you. Everything becomes stressful tbh. At least with my DD because she cries and screeches so much. Guess it's not like that if your baby doesn't cry all the time. I think a lot of this question is determined by your child's personality, and also how much support and/or childcare you have to hand.

Why don’t you tell us what your life is like now, and we can tell you what you might find hard.

@Echobelly my stairs are just ridiculous. I still don't let the 4 yr old negotiate them alone. Most people (adlults) go up on hands and feet.

I prefer an audience than trying to poop while hearing ww3 break out over "he took it from me/pushed me/the cat bit me" etc.

Want to go for a run?

You need to see how your pelvic floor survives before you even worry about the logistics of going for a run! I’ve been told not to do any high impact exercise in case it worsens my prolapse.

For me it is just the lack of time, and if I do ever get an hour or two to myself (when she’s in bed) I just want to rest because I’m so knackered. Doing anything that isn’t child related is a big effort!

I love it though

eat a meal out and completely relax.
Sit down and not be mithered.
Decide to go for long walk without someone moaning.
Just to do stuff spontaneously.

I’m a SAHM to a 3.5yo and 7mo. Baby doesn’t sleep well and doesn’t take a bottle so I can’t yet leave her for long. Plus being a one income family we are pretty squeezed for spare cash too.

For me it’s not that any one thing is unachievable (except sleep 🙄), it’s just that resources (time, energy and money) are limited. I’m sure other mums in my situation keep up with the gym/exercise as it’s a priority to them. I did pre-kids but now I can’t really afford the membership and have limited time or energy to go. If I had more money I might join one with a crèche or if fitness was a high priority I might give up reading for pleasure (which I still do lots of) and go to the gym. I just can’t do both like I used to. So the things you sacrifice will be individual to you.

The specific things I miss?

• lie ins
• full nights of sleep
• lazing about on a weekend being hungover and watching box sets
• exercising
• holidays
• going on dates with my husband

Wouldn’t change it for the world though!

Mmm well technically you can still do anything you like ( with enough money and childcare) BUT prepare to feel guilty for leaving them/ enjoying being without them or not thinking about them.

And then if you don’t feel guilty you will feel guilt for not feeling guiltily as you are obviously a heinous mother.

Have a bath in peace.
Use the toilet in peace.
Sneeze wearing no tena pad.

Sneezing without weeing. Sleeping. Weeing and pooing alone. Showering alone. Generally doing anything alone. Eating something and not sharing it. Spontaneous sex when you fancy it. Spontaneous nipping out to the pub or for a meal without preplanning it 3 months in advance. Having a nice tidy house that isn’t crammed to bursting with toys. Having nice stain free, clean furniture. Having ornaments. Spending time doing nothing...

Like someone else mentioned never being able to switch off , I knew having kids would mean being more restricted in just getting up and going out , what I never really considered is when I did finally get childcare and arranged a night out with my friends , that a part of my mind would always be taken up by my children , no matter where I went or what I did , so you can work around the physical restrictions of time and having your own space but at least for me it would never be the same or carefree again, not that I would want it to either though .