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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you actually can't do after having children?

417 replies

BinkyBaa · 27/07/2019 21:54

I'd like to have children in the next few years but I'm a serial worrier/over planner. I see lots of vague statements get thrown around on here about things like holidays and hobbies not being possible anymore after children.
Obviously I know life is different forever after having DCs but aibu to ask is there really anything children stop you doing ever again entirely?

OP posts:
palepinkflowers · 30/07/2019 19:14

On the other hand, once they have grown up /left home everything is possible again!

busyhonestchildcarer · 30/07/2019 20:55

Id say if you like to have lots of you time,like to preplan everything,like everything to be organised then maybe children wouldnt fit into your life

Vampyress · 30/07/2019 21:17

I have had 3 large babies, I don't think i'll ever be able to have a coughing fit without peeing a little ever again...Blush

Even with a 2 year old and an 11 month old I still manage to watch my own tv shows and engage in hobbies, I just can't get lost in them like I used to and time is significantly shorter when I do get time to relax! But you regain all the time later and you'll wish you could rewind (I also have a 15 year old so speaking from experience)!

My first few months with both my babies were all Netflix and resting while expressing breast milk lol!

Doubleraspberry · 30/07/2019 21:35

Thinking about the ‘never again’ question thoroughly I would say (1) have the same physiognomy. I miss my old perineum. And (2) be the same person. I think you go through phases of parenthood. Many women feel like they lose a huge amount of themselves in the early years. Life with young kids becomes very existential. They have needs to meet and that is your driver. That eases over time for most of us. But you will never be who you were before children because they never really stop being part of you, so you are never ever just you again. Sometimes I wish I were just me. Mostly when I look at the future of the planet and what lies in wait for my wonderful children. You may look and sound the same as before but inside you’ve indefinably shifted.

Tmarsh123 · 30/07/2019 23:12

My ds and gf were on holiday in Turkey 6 weeks ago....there baby my dgs in 1 month old today....on contraception...size 6 to 8 clothes ....were booking another holiday on Saturday 29th june 2019 to go abroad again dgs was born in the bathroom at 7.20 am on Sunday 30th june 2019...ds dgf and dgs all doing well ok so there holiday destination has changed from abroad to haven for this year but ...bit of a shock for all no preparations but couldn't be more proud of how they've coped with there suprise arrival...if you have the confidence to do what youve always wanted to do ypur life doesnt have to change but maybe more organisation and preparation is need x

lifeinthedeep · 31/07/2019 00:11

Eating a meal without simultaneously feeding the baby.

Watching a full tv programme

Relaxing

Leaving the house without a bag

Moonflower12 · 31/07/2019 01:03

Claim to be a virgin....

di2004 · 31/07/2019 08:20

Our youngest is 19 ( years not months) and we can now get our lives back... but you only worry more, like when they learn to drive, go on holidays with friends etc.. just part of being a parent I guess.
When I had mine I only got 16 weeks maternity leave, now that was hard work! It’s only since they’ve grown up I can relax a wee bit more. Good luck and enjoy being a parent x

sashadasher · 31/07/2019 22:18

I can no longer look into the future without anxiety ,about how my teenage ds who has additional needs will cope when I'm no longer here to help but he is amazing and I'm sure he'll find his niche in life.

proudestofmums · 31/07/2019 22:30

I so agree with the poster who said you’re 0nly as happy as your unhappiest child. And it’s lifelong. DS and DIL are going on holiday to America in August -,flying BA - and it’s very likely it’ll all be messed up by the strike, so they’re worried sick and therefore I am too. DS is adult but it still upsets me when he’s upset.

Tmarsh123 · 31/07/2019 23:39

Always be our babies no matter what age they are

campion · 31/07/2019 23:54

Exactly Tmarsh123
They permanently occupy a part of your brain which either didn't exist pre children, or was full of light-hearted,fluffy nonsense!

So,what can't you do? Never fully relax unless you know they're truly OK, however old they are.

speakout · 01/08/2019 06:41

I so agree with the poster who said you’re 0nly as happy as your unhappiest child. And it’s lifelong. so they’re worried sick and therefore I am too. DS is adult but it still upsets me when he’s upset.

I could not disagree more. Hogwash.

I have a young adult child who suffers crippling depression.
It would serve no -one if I fell into the same sad place as him.
Of course it saddens me, but my life is worth living, and ultimately my strength and joy are things that help him, both as a model for living and at a transactional level. It helps him more if I can hold onto my own happiness. Choosing to be unhappy in solidarity with my “saddest child” won’t take their sadness away. In fact, it may compound it. And it places the burden of my happiness onto my child which is too heavy a burden for anyone to carry.
I also care about my own life, my relationship with my OH and my other child who is almost an adult herself. What good would it do her if I becasme as unhappy as my son? What does that teach her? That my happiness is dependant on others?
I practice lots of self care and nurture myself so that I can find joy and strength - for me, for my struggling son, for my DD, for my OH, and others that I care for.

www.thechaosandtheclutter.com/archives/parenting-myth-youre-only-as-happy-as-your-saddest-child

Chocolateswiss · 10/05/2024 12:13

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Nothingcomesforfree · 11/05/2024 21:04

@speakout yes.
In the end you will have made an adult human. Their path and yours may be utterly different.

To be honest there's no good path. Being the best mum ever is great until they don't need you. Being a rubbish mum makes you feel bad but then they achieve something unbelievable.

Cel77 · 11/05/2024 21:41

Lie ins
Spontaneous sex
Sex
Going out with my husband in the evening
Sometimes going to work (because of child's sickness)
Fitness
Writing (I love writing but need to be in the zone, almost impossible nowadays)

I'll think of more.

We have zero family support ( too far away on both sides).
We're not in a good place.

RosesAndHellebores · 11/05/2024 21:56

My children made me and I gave up a full-on stressful job for them which involved 12 hour days and occasional all nighters. I recall one deal where it was manic from 5pm on a Friday and it was signed off at 5am on Monday morning.

Having a baby was the first time for 15 years that my time was my own. The house was ship shape by 9.30, we went for long walks, met mums for coffee, played, read, listened to music and had a lovely time. I always had a bag packed and leaving the house was easy. My one non negotiable was a shower and blow dry every morning. The baby went in his cot and after a week or so cried himself to sleep within five minutes.

But I was 35, had funds, a good DH (who worked like stink) and my clubbing/holiday days, big nights out were done.

My pelvic floor, like others, was shot to pieces. I got to know Tena lady early on!

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