To ask what you actually can't do after having children?

[BinkyBaa]

I'd like to have children in the next few years but I'm a serial worrier/over planner. I see lots of vague statements get thrown around on here about things like holidays and hobbies not being possible anymore after children.
Obviously I know life is different forever after having DCs but aibu to ask is there really anything children stop you doing ever again entirely?

Oh also. I'm a lone parent so

• I can't drink in the evenings, 'just in case' there is an emergency
• I can't stay at work for extra 5 mins to cram in extra work because they need collecting from somewhere
• I can't date just anyone or bring anyone home

Barely ever get time together as a couple because in order to cover childcare as best we can we tend to work opposite shifts and are just ships in the night he comes in the door and I go out.
Haven't been out together as a couple since youngest was born 3 years ago
Takes forever to leave the house....and you have to pack up half the house (it feels like that) to bring with you
Can't wait until they day I can go to the toilet and sit there and enjoy my pee without someone standing at the door shouting that they also need to go to the toilet !
Sitting on an evening partner out, kids in bed....fancy a bar of chocolate .....none in the house ....can't just nip to the shop down the street and get one !

It’s not so much about being unable to do something it’s more about time available, priorities, childcare, choices and money.

just say you spend (every week)
56 hours sleeping (including one lie in)
42 hours a week at work including
commuting,
10 hours getting yourself ready in the morning (shower breakfast hair etc)
10 hours making and enjoying an evening meal
12 hours on household tasks including shopping, paperwork and general organisation
15 hours socialising
10 tv/web/reading
13 hours left for hobbies/family/relaxing baths.

With kids
42 hours probably broken sleep between children and worrying about all the things you didn’t do that day or have to do tomorrow, the mistakes you made and what a bad parent you are
8 hours settling kids/listening for them/putting them back to bed
45 hours work and commuting as you are now picking them up and dropping them at childcare
15 hours getting you and them ready and still getting nowhere
10 hours making an evening meal and feeding your child, eating yours half cold if at all
20 hours on household tasks as there is now much more mess and washing
20 hours bathing, playing, reading wishing you had more time but between work, dinner and bath time it’s almost bed time, feel like you aren’t giving enough.
4 hours baby groups and ferrying children to clubs
4 hours left to socialise, have relaxing baths, read etc and feel guilty for every second you are doing it because you feel you should be spending time with kids, cleaning the kitchen, joining the PTA and generally being a better parent.

I haven’t mentioned DH in all this as I’m going with the assumption he is doing all this with you

And for anyone who read through all that you deserve a medal and you can tell I have teenagers because I have enough time on my hands to sort of work all that out!

Work and earn a living without entrusting your children to someone else (either for love or money or both).

Be spontaneous. Once they turn 6 it's pretty much back to normal life pre kids.

Watch Michael McIntyre YouTube clips on having kids. Especially the one about trying to leave the house. It’s pretty funny, more so if you aren’t a parent and it isn’t the actual reality of your everyday!

For me the amount of time spent dealing with laundry was quite a shock. Before kiddo (and I can only weep at how it must be with a handful of them), I think I remember doing a lazy load or two per week. One coloured, one whites maybe? Sometimes debating whether it was a full enough load, so left it longer. From Day One Kiddo, it was a daily or twice daily task. Millions of teeny bits of cotton. Not just ‘they wore it all day and got a mark on’ washing. Bizarre never-seen-before washing necessities. Donated or gifted clothes. Costumes. New clothes before wearing (manufacturing chemicals, dontcha know). Changes of clothes 3-4 times a day for ridiculous reasons. Washing done for hygiene (threadworms, headlice, tummy bugs), wet bed linen. Weird stains processing cos granny sent it, and we need the pic still to send her. Other kids clothes that ended up at your house. Favourite clothes, that must be worn tomorrow or huge tantrums and life delays will ensue.

So much treating, washing, drying & folding little bloody clothes.

Go to the toilet without an audience.

Also, I opened the duvet tonight to get in and there was half a piece of pasta on the sheet. Well I didn't have pasta today so not off me but wait, DD did and she was faffing in the bedroom when I was having a wee earlier. I even thanked her for making the bed (ish) for me when I came in so I can only assume it's fallen off her somehow as she bounced around our bed. So yeah, bits of food/googly eyes/playdoh/glitter/hair bobbles/stuff everywhere or as my mum once described it when we were kids 'detritus'.

@clownincruise it sounds like you are doing a great job.

@ClownOnCruise I mean

Earn lots of money.
Wear a bikini
Sneeze more than 3 times without wetting yourself
Open the fridge to see you need milk from the shop...grab the keys and go (sounds stupid but you can never ever now just ‘go’)
Lots of stuff.
Also depends on the partner too really.
....what’s a. Lay. In? Not had one for years!

Changing my working hours once childcare is arranged around existing hours.

@noseynelly

Partially SPD yes. And a whole host of other not very nice spinal/pelvic conditions as a direct knock on from the SPD. DH calls it 'walking deficit disorder' which is a fluffier way of describing things.

However for anyone reading this it is very, very, very rare for anyone to have SPD in pregnancy that leaves then permanently disabled afterwards. Something like 1 in 50,000 according to my spinal consultant chappie

But back to the original question: Things children have stopped me doing full stop:

Going for moorland hikes and wild camping with Dh
Bike riding- DH and I used to go cycle/camping holidays pre kids.

and not just little clothes @Skittlesandbeer

So much of the 'grown up' clothes get smeared with bogies, soil, bananas, general grot that I am amazed whenever I can wear a top more the two days running.

Maybe OP, you need to ask grandparents what they can't do that they once did without children, because I personally can't recall the last time I rubbed fruit into my fathers clothes, so it must just be a passing stage really.

Sleep
Pop to the shops for milk or anywhere on a whim. You learn to make lists and plan everything or you end up eating random crap because you can’t just nip to the shops for that loaf of bread or essential ingredient in you meal plan.
Socialise, sure you might make friends who have kids but you will spend your social time always disappearing in to other rooms to see what they are up to etc and then when you sit back down your friend will disappear to another room to check on her kids etc.

You can do most things post kids with enough planning, but you just can't do as many things. You can still go out for nice dinners, but they need military style preparation, and cost twice as much because you are paying for babysitters. As a consequence, you do these things much less.

Mine are now in their 30s. When they're young you give up your autonomy and your spontaneity. You must consider their wants and needs first and you really have to plan around their schedules. And yes, that puts a real cramp in your style if you're used to a free-wheeling lifestyle. For us, it wasn't such a huge adjustment as most of the things we enjoyed were easily adaptable for small children PLUS (and this is HUGE) we had great family support so could rely on the grandparents to happily watch the kids if we wanted to do something not suitable or not fun for our sons. As they get older you get some of that back as they become more able to adjust and to enjoy activities that are more geared to adults. By the time they are teens, you are 'pretty much' back to being able to do what you want when you want. Teens are pretty self-sufficient and will usually make their own plans/arrangements if they don't want to do what you're doing.

As far as hobbies, if you have a supportive and 'equal opportunity' partner, hobbies aren't a problem. DH had a sport he loved and I made sure that he had time for it. In turn, he always made sure that I had equal time to go out with my friends and do what we like to do; shopping, movies, & talking.

There is nothing my children ever actually stopped me from doing 'ever again'. There were things we had to put on the back burner or adjust expectations for when they were little. The biggest thing is how expensive children can be. That was the biggest adjustment for us, a lot of the cash we were used to having to spend on ourselves had to be diverted to things for the children, but we happily did so. I would not give up the experience of having and raising children for all the world and its gold.

Oh yes, and for the first few years your diet comprises teeny bits of bland food, eaten standing up. Scraps of their dinner, basically. You’ll be too tired to make seperate meals. Adult ingredients like spices or rich sauces or fiddly protein will be laughable.

I remember a vivid dream I had when dd was about 3, of a restaurant that opened for parents only. They served ‘big food’- brontosaurus steaks, whole vegetables, spicy complicated sauces and exotic ingredients prohibited for Small People (patês, stinky cheeses, etc). Everything that could be flambéd at table was. Drinks were scalding hot. Parents went there to escape the half-congealed teaspoons of mash, soggy rusks and half-backwash orange juice that they basically subsisted on at home.

Be your own person. You belong to them now.

You can’t be feckless anymore.

Unless you are my Ex

Earn lots of money

I know plenty of parents Male and female who earn huge amounts of money.

Spontaneity is the big one - I miss just nipping to the shops or going the pub for dinner or drinks after work or going to a gig because someone knows the bassist

Big long lie ins, especially ones with OH where we'd wake up and have sex then go back to sleep for another hour!

Going out with a small bag with just your phone, keys, purse and a lipstick. Now it's a rucksack with nappies, spare clothes, snacks, toys, water, more snacks....

Dream. Literally.

I had my first dream that I can remember since having DD 4 years ago last week. She's a great sleeper but I must have got used to sleeping so lightly because I'm 'on duty' that my dreaming sleep is affected.

"Big long lie ins, especially ones with OH where we'd wake up and have sex then go back to sleep for another hour!"

Morning sex! 😭

Mine are older now... the teen stage

So I can lie in because they're lazier than me and I can pop to the shop etc. So those things do get easier.

For me it's the worry and the guilt. Am I doing right by them, are they okay, will they be okay. It is constant.
My mum and dad say that never goes away. My sister and I are late 30s and my parents still have that guilt/worry thing going on.