To ask what you actually can't do after having children?

[BinkyBaa]

I'd like to have children in the next few years but I'm a serial worrier/over planner. I see lots of vague statements get thrown around on here about things like holidays and hobbies not being possible anymore after children.
Obviously I know life is different forever after having DCs but aibu to ask is there really anything children stop you doing ever again entirely?

The deterioration and ageing of your physical appearance catches up with you faster than it would if you are childfree. You say to yourself before kids, I won't let it go, but each kid brings you down faster and suddenly you realise you are that person, you said you would never be (but you have your little loves, so all is good).

Sit down and drink a warm cup of coffee.

When he dc were babies there was loads - sleep for more than a coupe of hours in a row, have time where I wasn't being touched, do anything spontaneously.

Now the dc are 8 and 6, I can't go away alone for more than a few days, and I can't do things than endanger my life (I did many possibly unwise things while travelling in my younger days). Most other stuff I can do.

• Cant eat fancy food - my DCs are not that fussy but you still cant have heaps of spices etc or uncommon food
• Holidays, we are not going abroad this year just because it was a nightmare last year with two DC under 3.
• Can get wasted regularly
• You have to be more frugal on what you spend, cant waste money on coffee and fancy lunches or designer clothes when you have to pay for winter coats, trainers etc

I'm quoting from a book but "never again will you be completely happy" is about right. The worry is always there.

If you have a great urge to trek across Antarctica, scale mountains or travel in East Africa (malaria) in the next few years then do that first.

And YY to your pelvic floor never being the same

Doing absolutely anything at all without first thinking about the child(ren) - who is caring for them / feeding them / keeping them safe / getting them where they need to be, and home again...

God yes to the ageing. I have a few incredibly good for their age friends with kids but they are all high income families. The rest of us look raddled compared to our childless counterparts.

Sleep.
Leave the house without having to plan for every possible scenario.
Pop to the shop.
Pop to the pub.
Have a relaxing holiday.

‘You’re only as happy as your unhappiest child’ sums it up- ie your own happiness is no longer within your own control.

Your life as you know it is over lol

You will never again feel ‘care-free’. You will always have a degree of anxiety. You’re head will always be in multiple places at once.

Mind you, I thought a bit of a level playing field. And then we got a cat. Anxiety levels THROUGH THE ROOF!

Things I miss more than anything:

Long lie ins

Lovingly prepared breakfasts of plates of beautifully arranged fruit

Hot cup of tea. Not a cold cup of tea that I have forgotten to drink because someone wanted me or worse a few slurps left in the bottom of the mug because the kids got there first

Being financially solvent- hot weather means kids have been rinsing me on a daily basis for ice cream money

Having a place that is mine without kid stuff in it

Being able to drive a sensible car and not a mummymobile

Going out with the husband without pre arranging babysitters

More seriously though, having children has left me physically disabled. As in blue badge owning, can't walk without crutches disabled. And the aforementioned mummymobile- well that's a motability car because I needed something I could actually physically get into.

Still wouldn't change it for the world. Especially as I have just checked on the buggers little angels and they're tucked up asleep in bed with their favourite cuddlies. They look so peaceful

Hold my pee in without it leaking somewhat and I had a c section

Sleep past 5.30 a,m
Go to the toilet without someone shouting outside or banging on the door
Make a phone call without someone tapping you to get your attention
Sunbathe
Read a book
Eat out spontaneously
Holiday in term time when it's cheap

I don't think there's really anything they stop you from doing ever again entirely - it just feels like it at the time.

@carsleyladiessociety is it spd/pgp? I have it too but nowhere near as bad you, I can't carry heavy things without it really hurting or run for very long but thankfully apart from that I'm ok.
As you said it's worth it, our bodies did an amazing thing and we love our babies

Laying on a sun lounger, on holiday for as long as I want to.

Have a night out just me and dh.

Wow from this list you'd think everybody is crazy to have a child 🤣 or more than one.

My baby/child slept and still does. Yes they're were patches she didn't illness etc but overall she's a 12 hour sleeper.
Babies are easier to take anywhere than toddlers. Buy ear defenders for weddings etc - works a charm!
I still do sports, jump etc. Maybe wear a pad but not hideous.
We still go on date nights maybe more now as yes there is someone else in our conversations when at home.
Dinner time, I don't share my dinner nor do we alter where we eat out as a family, we eat a wide range of food and it's getting wider. Okay some things she didn't used to like, like bacon but I didn't mind as it's very salty.

I only have one so probably easier which I understand but chose.

Yes it's not easy but normally good things aren't. It's good work like a good marriage.

Okay I talk about poop way more than I like to. She drove me nuts on holiday as she didn't behave as well as she would of at home.

Having a clean & tidy house
Having more disposable income
Sleeping in
Being spontaneous, lazy, selfless

My pelvic floor and body are the same as they were pre-children, and I've had 3 🤷‍♀️

I drink more wine now

Get a shower without having a pee in it

You can't be ill.

...anything without feeling guilty, or if by some miracle you do manage to, some fucker will come along with an “oooh where’s little Freddie today then?” or “you’re so lucky to be able to leave your little ones with other people, my darling Rupert doesn’t leave my side!” so it doesn’t last.

Things I can no longer do: afford to buy luxury handbags, afford to go on weekends away, go on relaxing holidays, meet up for impromptu coffee dates with friends, wear white, jump on a trampoline, wear anything that clings, wear anything that doesn’t cover my mum tum, wear a bikini, swear in the daytime, drink in the day time, binge watch Netflix during the day, stay awake past 9pm except for the million wake ups, sleep in past 6.30, have morning sex, have loud sex, find the willpower to avoid carbs, keep my career at the level it was. Basically most of the fun stuff I used to enjoy.

Saying that, I do get to do loads of stuff I wouldn’t have tried unless I had children, so that’s a positive! Plus, I get way more hugs now which might sound like gushy shit but they really help my mental health.

I was never having children but now I’m upset because DH doesn’t want a third and I don’t have much time left to change his mind.

Put yourself first without considering how that affects them. Probably for the rest of your life.

Yep

Even if you get a weekend away from them you spend the whole time wondering what they're doing. It's never going to be just you to think about, because they are there.
Also if you get dcs with additional needs, you may not be able to get a job as they can't be left on their own.
That providing for their additional needs will be your job. That you never are told what a good job you're doing. You feel isolated as most people have no idea what you are going through. That anything you enjoyed before is stupid because you still have a 15 year old who won't wipe his own butt. You worry that he won't survive adulthood on his own and what will happen when you die. You work so hard to make sure that they are okay. But you get shouted at because they don't want to change. You then have to somehow reconcile that your 12 year old is on antidepressants and your 15 year old can't be left on his own as he's not safe. That you're the one who has to sort all this out. So you have no savings, because you pay for psychiatrist fees for two dcs, that you have no life outside your home, no friends as you have no energy for anyone else, no pension because you can't get a job.
I didn't even think for one second that this would be how it is.