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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell friend I can no longer afford our long weekend?

213 replies

SlinkyDogDash · 27/07/2019 03:31

My friend leads quite an affluent lifestyle, earns well, no kids, all good. I earn a much lower wage and most is spent on mortgage and bills, I'm a single mum and feel I need to be careful with money.

Friend asked me to go on a long weekend with her. I sorted childcare and agreed, its v rare for me to be able to do this. Then the pressure started... friend suggested flights, immediately wanting more expensive morning ones to maximise time away, I had wanted afternoon as cheaper, she is a very insistent person!

We had agreed to book a cheap hotel room, friend was happy with this, then last minute changed her mind and booked one with a view for twice the price! There was a lot of pressure to accept this 'but this is a one off long weekend away' I felt quite forced to accept the change and paid her my share.

Now she wants to book some expensive trips 🙈 I feel like the whole thing has become about her whims and wants, she is very used to getting her own way in life. She certainly isn't considering me and she knows I have a much tighter budget than her.

So far the flights, transfers and hotel have cost £360 each for three nights. Realistically my choices are to say I cant afford to book trips, car hire etc but feel under constant pressure to do so which would spoil the break, as I mentioned she is a very insistent person. She wont want to do trips etc on her own.

I feel like it would be easier to accept that I've lost £360 and say I can no longer come, she can give my ticket to someone else. I feel mean to do that but equally I think shes been selfish to basically railroad me into a bookings I cant afford when we agreed at the outset that it would be a cheap break. I would estimate that my further costs would be about £300 if I go on the trip, based on food, taxis etc. I dont think £660 is a cheap long weekend, if we had stuck to the cheap flight, standard hotel room and just sightseeing whilst there it could have been £350ish.

Aibu not to go?

OP posts:
DeRigueurMortis · 27/07/2019 03:37

To use your expression "woman up" by telling her how unreasonable she's being.

Bookworm4 · 27/07/2019 03:42

Jeezo, just speak up.

TapasForTwo · 27/07/2019 03:47

Just tell her that you simply can't afford to spend any more money on this weekend and to stop guilt tripping you into doing so.

Be firm.

LagunaBubbles · 27/07/2019 03:47

Why havn't you said anything?

delorisvancartier · 27/07/2019 03:48

Why can't you just tell her that it's out of your price range? This issue is yours, your friend doesn't have the same financial restrictions as you & so it's just her 'norm' communication & a backbone are your friend. Literally all you have to say is you don't can't spend that much. If she is a true friend she will understand & you can set a budget,if not then is the friendship really a loss to you?

Original poster
SlinkyDogDash · 27/07/2019 03:48

Thanks, I am fine with telling her that I cant afford the spiralling costs but I'm pretty annoyed with myself for agreeing to the trip as I should have foreseen she would do this. She is well aware that she's booked more expensive options on her whims, hence me feeling like cancelling, I've just had enough and dont really want to go now.

OP posts:
Derbee · 27/07/2019 03:50

YABU for not saying from the beginning “no I can’t afford morning flights. No I can’t afford an expensive hotel” etc etc

You have allowed it to spiral because you haven’t spoken up

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 27/07/2019 03:59

Your phrase is.

I can't afford this. It was going to be a cheap weekend... And it is already almost double.

BumbleBeee69 · 27/07/2019 04:00

stop being railroaded by this bully OP

HennyPennyHorror · 27/07/2019 04:44

You've done nothing wrong. You shouldn't have "foreseen" that she's an insensitive twat.

Just tell her. Say "I can't afford to come now because you've made it too expensive."

Pinktinker · 27/07/2019 04:50

You should have told her you simply couldn’t afford the morning flights or the more expensive hotel. Don’t allow yourself to be pressurised or bullied into something that simply doesn’t work for you.

Tell her now that you cannot afford the day trips, you just wanted a cheap-ish weekend away but the costs have ended up spiralling.

helpmeiamatoad · 27/07/2019 04:53

Sounds like she is taking your agreement to all these things to mean that you agree? As I’m sure most people would? If you can’t afford all these add ons OP, tell her. If she strops about it, she’s a shitty friend and your best not going away with her anyway!

WhyTho · 27/07/2019 04:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Decormad38 · 27/07/2019 05:34

I've just booked for myself and a friend and at each stage I've asked is that price ok for you? If she can't be bothered to do that then yes tell her you're out!

KatherineJaneway · 27/07/2019 05:39

I think shes been selfish to basically railroad me into a bookings I cant afford when we agreed at the outset that it would be a cheap break.

Yes she is being selfish but you had the opportunity to say no and didn't. As a pp said you need to woman up and put your foot down or she'll never stop.

stayathomer · 27/07/2019 05:52

I'm not sure she's being selfish, more likely just not thinking. As you said she has the money and so most likely takes all these things as part of going away. If y o u say it to her she might be more understanding than you think. For the record your language implies you're a bit bitter about her or else you just don't like her. I definitely wouldn't be throwing 360 quid away if you can help it, there might be things you can change to cut back if you talk it out with her

Malyshek · 27/07/2019 05:59

If she absolutely wants to do these things and won't go alone, maybe she can pay your share.

Malyshek · 27/07/2019 06:04

I have actually been in this situation where I was the wealthier friend, and I always was mindful of that. Difference being that we booked stuff together and agreed on hotels together, and I didn't give a damn about luxury accommodations (who cares about hotels, you're only there to sleep !)

If I'd wanted to do something she couldn't afford, I'd have either paid for her or done it another time.

So I agree with everyone else, tell her you can't afford it and be firm. Her reaction will tell you how good a friend she is (hint : the proper reaction would be "I'm so sorry I'd didn't realize your budget was so tight, I'll see if I can't cancel flight and hotel for cheaper ones.")

speakout · 27/07/2019 06:16

OP it takes two. You need to voice your feelings.

katewhinesalot · 27/07/2019 06:22

State that you've reached your limit re spending and don't budge. If she starts moaning then tell her you are at the point of pulling out and if she wants you to go with her then she needs to stop the pressure to spend more. Also manage her expectations as to how much you will spend there.

I should imagine that if you pull out it will affect your friendship, so you might as well be assertive now and try to salvage your friendship and holiday.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/07/2019 06:25

Just say "hey X it's all getting a bit spendy. I was hoping to keep it to about 200 for flights and accommodation and 150 for spends. I know we can't change the flights but can we swap the room to free up some spends as otherwise It'll be pretty tight for me when we get there. Sorry, I know I should have menti0ned it earlier"

JemimaPuddlePeacock · 27/07/2019 06:26

Just tell her.

She was unreasonable to make changes to the plans without running them past you (who on earth would choose a more expensive hotel without consulting their friend and then just present them with the bill? Wtf) but at the same time she may have assumed you’re happy for her to take the lead as you haven’t said otherwise or given her your budget or told her you can’t afford something she’s booked so needs to cancel it. So you’re both a bit to blame, just very poor communication all around.

Bringonspring · 27/07/2019 06:30

I have a friend similar-always difficult. You’ll have to push back on trips. Any anything when I’m away without my children I’m not interested in doing loads and loads of things, lunch in a cafe with s friend uninterrupted or walking around a city without a pushchair is glorious in itself

Nappyvalley15 · 27/07/2019 06:30

I sympathise. Tell her you have gone well beyond what you can afford and if she wants you to go on these day trips then she will have to pay for you both. That should focus her mind. A decent friend will either scale back her plans or treat you to these day trips realising that you've spent enough.

Weightquery · 27/07/2019 07:01

“X I’m so looking forward to prospect of holiday with you! Much needed and also get to spend some quality time with you. I love all the options your suggesting but I’m going to be absolutely straight with you: my finances can’t stretch to it and gradually the holiday is becoming less of a treat and more of a worry! I completely understand that you are in a different position and really want to indulge, and j don’t want to stop you from doing that. So either I’ll duck out and accept I have lost some money or could we perhaps go for a holiday that is within my budget BUT when we are there, perhaps you find some nice extras.... massages etc? I know it’s not quite the same, but it means that the holiday will financially work for me. I can’t throw caution to the wind anymore sadly! Hope you can understand xxx”