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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell friend I can no longer afford our long weekend?

213 replies

SlinkyDogDash · 27/07/2019 03:31

My friend leads quite an affluent lifestyle, earns well, no kids, all good. I earn a much lower wage and most is spent on mortgage and bills, I'm a single mum and feel I need to be careful with money.

Friend asked me to go on a long weekend with her. I sorted childcare and agreed, its v rare for me to be able to do this. Then the pressure started... friend suggested flights, immediately wanting more expensive morning ones to maximise time away, I had wanted afternoon as cheaper, she is a very insistent person!

We had agreed to book a cheap hotel room, friend was happy with this, then last minute changed her mind and booked one with a view for twice the price! There was a lot of pressure to accept this 'but this is a one off long weekend away' I felt quite forced to accept the change and paid her my share.

Now she wants to book some expensive trips 🙈 I feel like the whole thing has become about her whims and wants, she is very used to getting her own way in life. She certainly isn't considering me and she knows I have a much tighter budget than her.

So far the flights, transfers and hotel have cost £360 each for three nights. Realistically my choices are to say I cant afford to book trips, car hire etc but feel under constant pressure to do so which would spoil the break, as I mentioned she is a very insistent person. She wont want to do trips etc on her own.

I feel like it would be easier to accept that I've lost £360 and say I can no longer come, she can give my ticket to someone else. I feel mean to do that but equally I think shes been selfish to basically railroad me into a bookings I cant afford when we agreed at the outset that it would be a cheap break. I would estimate that my further costs would be about £300 if I go on the trip, based on food, taxis etc. I dont think £660 is a cheap long weekend, if we had stuck to the cheap flight, standard hotel room and just sightseeing whilst there it could have been £350ish.

Aibu not to go?

OP posts:
spacedone · 28/07/2019 00:00

If she continues on this course I'd be calling the hotel and asking to change the booking to two single rooms. I'd go on my own and enjoy myself away from her.

Freespirit24 · 28/07/2019 00:19

@SlinkyDogDash

The first thing I am going to advise you off is to call your friend and say that you guys should meet up in person to discuss all of this and straighten out what is happening on your weekend away.

Communicating face to face is far easier than over email/text.

I would say to her: The trip you want to plan sounds fabulous, but sadly I cannot afford the changes you have made to our trip. Perhaps I should have put my foot down when you insisted on the upgraded room and morning flights, but I did not want to upset you. I feel like I am struggling to afford this trip based on these extra expenses. Having said that, I am happy to continue on this occasion as these things have been booked. However, I have to draw the line and ask you kindly that we wait until we arrive to see what we will do on our trip. I am sure there are many affordable or free museums and tourist attractions as I cannot possibly afford £40.00 for a trip. As the trip is three days, you are welcome to go off and make a trip on your own one of the days, but I sadly will not be joining you

I also think though based on what you have said you need to discuss restaurants, where to eat and how much to spend. You guys should make an itinerary, agree on it and stick to it.

If she does not back down after saying this, then lead with the I want to cancel.

SandyY2K · 28/07/2019 00:54

If my friend booked a more expensive room than we agreed, I'd unimpressed and she would have to pay the extra herself.

You went wrong by not challenging her on that.

If I was her and booked a more expensive room than agreed and would pay the difference myself.

PollyPelargonium52 · 28/07/2019 08:10

If that was me I just wouldn't go at all and save the hassle. I know you will have lost the money but you will spend even more that you haven't got if you go. Why should you go without vital money to please a friend?

Writersblock2 · 28/07/2019 08:36

I think it’s also worth noting that if you agree to go on a holiday somewhere, particularly one that requires flights, it’s reasonable to expect the holiday to exclude excursions. Most people want to actually do things when they are away.

OP, from your updates, it would seem as if your definition of “clear communication” differs from your friend’s as much as your definition of “affordable” or “holiday”.

Writersblock2 · 28/07/2019 08:36

*include not exclude!

katewhinesalot · 28/07/2019 10:44

"If you'd told me about the extra cost on the room, I could have explained that it would eat into my spending money. I might have afforded the trip if we'd booked the room we originally agreed"

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 28/07/2019 12:11

It's such bad form agreeing something... Then fancying something more expensive and expecting OP to sub it.... The rich friend should have taken the total extra cosr

ElizaPancakes · 28/07/2019 13:45

@IamtheDevilsAvocado it is. But OP doesn’t seem to have told friend that her absolute top budget for everything is £X - so if she keeps rolling over then friend will keep pushing.

OP should have set a budget and reiterated at every expense added on.

Daddylonglegs1965 · 28/07/2019 17:54

We have just been away to a concert which involves an over night (for three of us). I looked into it and came back to WhatsApp message saying a couple of options for hotels and trains and asked if they both still wanted to go and which hotel based on price/location. We just wanted a clean basic central hotel room that was big enough to accommodate the three of us. It worked fine. Similarly, when we were there one friend drinks less than we do so didn’t want to be in our kitty which was fine.

Ericabro · 28/07/2019 18:05

Having been a single parent I just dont get how anyone can justify spending so much money on a weekend break for themselves? this could/should of been a cheap holiday for you and the kids in a caravan/tent, This is money that could/should of been spent on your children so you really do need to man up and stop this person basically take money out of your kids mouths

JemimaPuddlePeacock · 28/07/2019 18:08

Oh bore off Ericabro, single parents are allowed breaks on their own or with friends away from their kids. Being a single parent doesn’t mean you automatically must become a martyr.

Lovemenorca · 28/07/2019 18:11

@ericabro

Not all single parents are in the same financial boat! I could very easily afford the figures being banded around, and it couldn’t result in my children going without a damn thing as a result of me spending that kind of money on a long weekend!

Cricketwidow59 · 28/07/2019 18:20

Tell your friend you are going to put your ticket on eBay and sell it to the highest bidder. Mention in the advert nice lonely lady needs a consort for the weekend that should do it and get you a few quid back.

loveyou3000 · 28/07/2019 18:38

@Ericabro oh shut up

jelly79 · 28/07/2019 18:38

@Ericabro seriously!?? I am a single parent and do the vast majority of it on my own whilst working full time. I have taken my 2 year old on 4 holidays in 2 years and I have a teenager who has had an abundance of great holidays too. I recently went on a 3 night city break knowing my children were looked after and I could justify the money. What about that is wrong?

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 28/07/2019 18:40

Yes @Ericabro you love your children more than all of us, well done, medal's in the post etc.
Meanwhile back in the real world - OP, agree with others. Your friend has shown real poor form.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/07/2019 18:47

There was a time with my BFF when I was in the better financial position (now we're about equal). When we'd decide to go away (usually to Disney) I'd do the planning with her general means in mind and then say "How is this?". If it was too expensive for her she'd tell me so plainly and I'd either treat her or I'd scale things back to within her budget. We then agreed on the budget before the trip was booked and I certainly wouldn't start adding things on after we agreed, unless I planned on paying for it!

Your friend is being rude IMO. But you need to tell her plainly what your 'bottom line' is for spending and that you will NOT be paying any more than that.

ThatCurlyGirl · 28/07/2019 18:49

Bloody hell @Ericabro that's one of the most mean spirited posts I've ever seen on Mumsnet. Chill out - it's nice to be nice, absolutely no need to have such a spiteful tone whatever your opinion is!

puppy23 · 28/07/2019 19:09

I 100% wouldn't spend that on a weekend away at all so YANBU there. Without knwing how clear and forceful you've been with her I don't know who is being U, but I think you would be very U to not go, unless you were certain she could find someone to replace you.

Fowles94 · 28/07/2019 19:44

This is why when I go away with friends/family we set a budget first and as I'm pocket pincher I'm normally appointed booking and planning.
Just change to a cheaper hotel and make gee aware of what budget you have left for activities.

Purplerain16 · 28/07/2019 19:47

Just stand up for yourself and your budget.
Its taken me a long time to learn how to do that but no matter what I always put my budget first, because money is so tight.
I first try and laugh it off by saying "oh yeah, I can totally afford that on my wages! Not!" and if they don't get the message then I am firm.

Just get a grip and be honest with her. Tell her you've gone way over budget already and if she wants to book trips etc then she can, but she will be going alone because you simply don't have the money

Bluntness100 · 28/07/2019 19:59

I think this is about the definition of cheap. A lot of people would think a long weekend abroad, for three nights inc accommodation, transfers and flights, for 360 quid was cheap.

To do the lot inc sightseeing and all food drink for 360 is clearly very budget end,

You should have set the budget at the beginning and said yes I can come but I have to do the whole thing for 350, inc flights, accommodation, transfers, sightseeing, food and drink. If you'd said that, I suspect it wouldn't have went a head,

Simply saying I want it to be cheap and am on a budget, doesn't really define it.

BarbaraofSeville · 28/07/2019 20:45

But they agreed prices and the friend increased them without agreement.

Whether or not they are on the same page about the definition of cheap, you'd have to be pretty thoughtless to do that without consultation.

If they're close enough friends to go on holiday together, you'd think you'd have a general idea about general earnings, budget, outgoings, lifestyle etc even if they don't know details.

Catsinthecupboard · 28/07/2019 21:44

"I'm sorry dear Friend. I may have misled you about my budget. I can only afford [123]. Do you still want to go? Or would it be better to call it off?"

Stand firm.

Btw, good friends aren't "insistent."

Friendship means both people respect and care for each other. She seems more like a bully.