To tell friend I can no longer afford our long weekend?

[SlinkyDogDash]

My friend leads quite an affluent lifestyle, earns well, no kids, all good. I earn a much lower wage and most is spent on mortgage and bills, I'm a single mum and feel I need to be careful with money.

Friend asked me to go on a long weekend with her. I sorted childcare and agreed, its v rare for me to be able to do this. Then the pressure started... friend suggested flights, immediately wanting more expensive morning ones to maximise time away, I had wanted afternoon as cheaper, she is a very insistent person!

We had agreed to book a cheap hotel room, friend was happy with this, then last minute changed her mind and booked one with a view for twice the price! There was a lot of pressure to accept this 'but this is a one off long weekend away' I felt quite forced to accept the change and paid her my share.

Now she wants to book some expensive trips 🙈 I feel like the whole thing has become about her whims and wants, she is very used to getting her own way in life. She certainly isn't considering me and she knows I have a much tighter budget than her.

So far the flights, transfers and hotel have cost £360 each for three nights. Realistically my choices are to say I cant afford to book trips, car hire etc but feel under constant pressure to do so which would spoil the break, as I mentioned she is a very insistent person. She wont want to do trips etc on her own.

I feel like it would be easier to accept that I've lost £360 and say I can no longer come, she can give my ticket to someone else. I feel mean to do that but equally I think shes been selfish to basically railroad me into a bookings I cant afford when we agreed at the outset that it would be a cheap break. I would estimate that my further costs would be about £300 if I go on the trip, based on food, taxis etc. I dont think £660 is a cheap long weekend, if we had stuck to the cheap flight, standard hotel room and just sightseeing whilst there it could have been £350ish.

Aibu not to go?

YABU - you should have spoken up earlier

She’s got carried away.
Send the above to try and rein her in.
If she doesn’t, then you’ll know she’s utterly inconsiderate of your position and you won’t feel guilty ducking out

(just say no now to the more expensive excursions)

Actually that’s not too bad a message to send if you continue to be unable to actually speak with her!

Have you looked up cheap and free activities to do on the holiday? It sounds like your friend is doing all the organising; if you haven't contributed ideas nor said no, it's hard to understand why you're cross with her.

"Hi, my maximum budget for the whole weekend is £450 and we already spent £360 on the flight and hotel. How about A or B restaurant on Friday night, then I was hoping we'd go to the beach on Saturday daytime to hang out and there's this free music event on Saturday night... etc"

Why jump straight into not going?

You wanted to go, you have the childcare, you have spent the money , now just be as clear and firm about your boundaries as she is about her enthusiasms.

Tell her you are at the limit if your budget now. Have some phrases ready:
“Sounds great, but that’s beyond my budget”
“Haha, yes if it’s your treat, because I’m happy with a pizza : day on beach / walk round the town”

Etc.

Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face.

You should have refused.
I’m with her on the morning flight when it’s only a weekend - but if you had said NO then I’d have either:

• paid your extra as a gift
• looked for a cheaper location
• looked for a cheaper date
• possibly gone with the afternoon flight unless it was cutting things too much

Is your accommodation cancellable? It very often is. I’d go back to the cheaper option.

YABU because even if she was “insistent” it is you who has said yes.

I personally think you're in the wrong here. She wasn't holding a gun to your head, you should have said from the beginning 'i can't afford this' / 'my budget is X' 'can we keep costs down'. You didn't have to agree to anything, regardless of the pressure she put on you.

Now you're going to cancel a trip that you are both looking forward to because you couldn't just be honest with her.

You need to ask her if you can rein it in a bit. Is the hotel refundable, if so, try and rebook something cheaper. Agree on your budget for spends whilst there and work out what trips you can do if any.

Just tell her you can't spend like she does or you will find you have no money left for food and bills.

Just say no!

Unfortunately this is common with people on very high incomes that they are just blissfully unaware of how many others live!

Blimey, my DP and I book cheap self catering holidays in Greece for a week and pay less than £660 and that's for two of us not each. No way would I pay that for a weekend just for myself. I think when money isn't an issue people cant grasp the concept of what a lot of money that is for people on a budget, good luck telling her, hope she understands and you can still go

If she’s a good enough friend that you’ll go away with , surely you can be honest with her? Don’t know what else you expect us to say really.

However it's probably false economy on your part to not book morning flights. You're just going to waste a day waiting to go on holiday! She's probably just being pragmatic about that!

Just say to her in a light hearted way :"I am going to go broke at this rate!" .Explain to her that you like seeing her and are looking forward to the trip ,but cannot afford all these add ons .What about suggesting trips to Museums ,Places of Interest, or just a good old day at the beach?/Window shopping lunch.If she insists, then you will have to pull out which seems a shame when you have already spent £350.00!.Hopefully she will see sense .

Did you actually tell her what your budget was?

Or just make a vague comment about needing to keep it on a budget and then agree to the cost of every single thing she suggested?

If it's the former then, yes, she has been thoughtless and selfish.

However, if it's the latter then this is actually your own fault for failing to communicate with her and it's unfair of you to come online and bitch about her for your own mistakes. Bearing in mind you've probably included enough detail for her to recognise herself in you op and see what's being said about her.

And it's pretty crap of you to fail to tell her what your budget was, fail to tell her the options she wanted were eating up all of your budget, and then to turn around and say "I'm not coming and it's your fault"!

She's not psychic.

Is the hotel refundable? Could you cancel and get a cheap one and spend the difference on doing things? I'd always rather get a deal on accommodation (air BnB?) and spend the money doing things while I'm away

The morning flights seem sensible though our you're essentially wasting money to sleep in another country, of you get an afternoon flight, by the time you get there check in and get out to do things it's a few hours until bed

Everyone has a different idea of cheap so unless you told her specifically how much you could spend then its not reallllly her fault. Maybe 360 is cheap to her.

Say you can't afford the trips but make some suggestions of what you can afford. Learn to speak up for yourself a bit as well

This is down to you. People can ask you but it's down to you to say, no. You need to tell her you've gone over your budget so no more add on for you. She's your friend, not a mind reader so tell her.

Have you categorically said no to anything? Have you agreed that it would be x flight, she then books y flight behind your back? When she then says ‘oh it’s at 8am, it’s ££ more, do you not say ‘woah, that’s more than I’ve got budgeted...(long silent pause)...who’s paying for this?’

I think if she personally wants the earlier flights/improved room, she should pay the difference in comparison to the mutually agreed upon basic option.

But you’ve let all of this slide up to now, and that’s on you.

Essentially you’ve got carried away with excitement at a rare opportunity and now it looks like you’re shifting the blame on to your friend. You know your budget constraints but she hasn’t experienced the same. She’s wanting to make the most of the time. That’s normal and to be expected.

You say she wants her own way and that she’s pressured you, but you haven’t made her fully aware, you haven’t said No.

When people with very different situations plan a joint venture, then they’ve both got to be really clear about what they want and what they can afford. If you agreed a cheap break at the outset then you should’ve vetoed her increases. It’s mean to talk about her ‘whims’ Earlier flights make much more sense, but if you’re on different pages for accommodation budget and spending you should’ve agreed the compromise before saying you’d go and then, stick to it and keep reminding her.

It seems silly to waste what you’ve already laid out though. You need a heart to heart.

Thanks. The hotel was only booked last night but non refundable, it literally went from the £75 each we had agreed to £150 each when she booked the room with the view.

This morning I have discussed the trips etc as she was eager to book 'before they sell out'. I explained I have spent most of my budget and cant spend more now as will need some money to spend there in food etc. She agreed not to book more, that we could plan cheap/free stuff etc she doesnt want it to be stressful to me.

Then five minutes later I got an email about a £40 trip saying 'but surely we will be booking one of these, it's good value and a waste not to'. Which is why I feel like cancelling - she either cant understand or doesnt respect the fact I cant afford this. Keeping telling her is just tiresome and stressful.

If I was your friend and aware of your situation I’d treat you to the extra excursions. I’d want your company and be happy to be able to buy a few extras for you.
But hey I’m not your friend and you really need to put your foot down. Have a frank conversation with her and tell her this ‘one off’ weekend will mean hardship for several months and you just can’t afford anything more.

God she sounds a pain in the arse