To tell friend I can no longer afford our long weekend?

[SlinkyDogDash]

My friend leads quite an affluent lifestyle, earns well, no kids, all good. I earn a much lower wage and most is spent on mortgage and bills, I'm a single mum and feel I need to be careful with money.

Friend asked me to go on a long weekend with her. I sorted childcare and agreed, its v rare for me to be able to do this. Then the pressure started... friend suggested flights, immediately wanting more expensive morning ones to maximise time away, I had wanted afternoon as cheaper, she is a very insistent person!

We had agreed to book a cheap hotel room, friend was happy with this, then last minute changed her mind and booked one with a view for twice the price! There was a lot of pressure to accept this 'but this is a one off long weekend away' I felt quite forced to accept the change and paid her my share.

Now she wants to book some expensive trips 🙈 I feel like the whole thing has become about her whims and wants, she is very used to getting her own way in life. She certainly isn't considering me and she knows I have a much tighter budget than her.

So far the flights, transfers and hotel have cost £360 each for three nights. Realistically my choices are to say I cant afford to book trips, car hire etc but feel under constant pressure to do so which would spoil the break, as I mentioned she is a very insistent person. She wont want to do trips etc on her own.

I feel like it would be easier to accept that I've lost £360 and say I can no longer come, she can give my ticket to someone else. I feel mean to do that but equally I think shes been selfish to basically railroad me into a bookings I cant afford when we agreed at the outset that it would be a cheap break. I would estimate that my further costs would be about £300 if I go on the trip, based on food, taxis etc. I dont think £660 is a cheap long weekend, if we had stuck to the cheap flight, standard hotel room and just sightseeing whilst there it could have been £350ish.

Aibu not to go?

Nip this in the bud right now OP, its already spiralled out of control, you do not want to go into debt for the sake of a girls weekend away.

Years ago me and a friend decided to do a joint holiday with our families friends to go to a mutual friend's wedding abroad. All three of our girls were flower girls so we thought it was easier if we stayed together.

I was naive, like you I was the single mum on an okay income with a DD. Whilst said friend and her husband were both on six figure salaries. And they just didn't quite realise why I was hesitant to their plans, they were just use to their expensive lifestyle.

They wanted expensive flights (not budget airlines), anyway enough was enough down and I admitted I didn't have a lot of money to spend. I said I just can't afford all this - non budget airlines, activities, expensive hotels etc.

Thankfully she did understand, we flew budget separately from them and they compromised on self-catering apartment so we had more spends on activities.

It did sort of put a downer on the holiday though, I did feel some guilt but oh well.

Have you paid for the hotel?

I think you should have been clearer from the start.

Your friend might be more assertive than you, but at each stage of the planning, you have had the ability to put a lid on things and not let them escalate. I don't think you can fully blame her for this when you could have and needed to be firmer about what you can afford.

If atbthisnpoint you need to pull out and say you can't go, that's a shame on several levels. Firstly it's a shame as you won't get your trip away. Secondly you will have to accept some financial loss. It's also a shame for your friendship, because however assertive she has been, you have let it get this far before saying clearly you can't afford it.

It might well be that she's been assertive and pushed for expensive options, but your post is very much about blaming her and not taking responsibility yourself. A weekend away is never very cheap. When you agreed to go, it was your responsibility to have a realistic idea of costs. It was also your responsibility to be clear with friend what you could afford and not let lots of extras be booked. Only being clear at this point isn't really fair. Can you imagine the thread she might start about this - AIBU to expect friend to pay for trip she agreed to?

At the end of the day, she's probably been too assertive about this, but you have been too passive. At this point you're worried about the cost and now you're looking back at events and looking to blame her for every stage of the process, sounding like you want to justify pulling out.

I think you might need to pull out to limit the expense but recognise that you will still be significantly out of pocket, I'd also expect it to be a tricky conversation and you'll need to be willing to apologise for deciding so late. You can say it has spiralled out of control but be careful not to say it is all friends fault....take some responsibility for not speaking up sooner. Or look at it all again - is there anything which isn't confirmed or paid for yet which can be scrapped and is there anything you can do to make a slightly cheaper version possible. Either way, a serious, honest conversation about what you can afford is needed.

Send a message back saying all your excursion money has gone into the upgraded room, which is exactly where you will be, with a good book and a glass of something cold, and whilst you are out I shall scope out somewhere reasonable for dinner.

Though I do agree with her on the flights.

‘I’d love to have done that £40 trip and if we’d booked either the original hotel room, or the afternoon flights, I could have afforded to. Unfortunately with all these add ons I now how £XX left for the weekend and that’s for food/drink! Tbh I’m already feeling this weekend has gotten out of hand so if you have another friend who would like to replace me that’s fine- I just can’t afford to add anything else on at this point!

^ This answer. Spot on.

Often the early morning flights are cheaper because no-one wants to get up at 3 am to get to the airport on time. We just suck it up, sleep on the plane and get there in time for a lunchtime beer and an afternoon on the beach.

I think I'd pull put. She hasn't listened to you. How dare she double the costs of the hotel room without your agreement because she wanted a better view. She has spent your money on her wants.

I'd pull out, I think I'd just be too angry to enjoy it now. Flights usually cant be transferred but hotel should be able to.

I don't even know if I'd bother explaining why either as she clearly doesn't take in anything that you say so what's the point

And you know when you're there she is going to be wanting to spend the whole time in expensive restaurants and cafes etc, you're going to have to spend the whole time avoiding joining in with stuff or explaining yourself

Just say that you cannot afford expensive trips, but do some research on cheaper options for spending the time

If she booked the extra expensive room then why is she asking you to pay more? Surely you have agreed to pay £75? I just arranged to go with a friend. Found a hotel for £70. We agreed to go there. Then I found a much better one for £75. I called my friend to discuss before booking that. She had agreed for me to spend £70 of her money and no more. Why did you give your friend the extra £75? I think you just need to keep being insistent with her. Say that perhaps she can negotiate back to the original room and then you would have £40 for the trip but otherwise you don't know and you won't later and please stop asking as it's making me feel stressed to keep having to say the same thing. Tell her that you will mooch around some free places whilst she goes on a trip if she likes and you can catch up in the evening. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face by foregoing the £360 you've already put into the trip.

Thanks for all the points. I do understand that to her £50 extra here and there is probably cheap, but to me it isn't and I thought she understood that but i have certainly made it clear now. I think if she asks again for more trips etc then I just wont bother going, I dont need the stress of being pushed to spend money I dont have. It would be a shame to lose the money spent so far but a lesson learned I suppose.

But that’s such a wimp out! Why the hell would you waste your money already spent?!!! At the very worst, you find a cheap room on your own and have your own weekend.

Nobody - NOBODY - can spend your money for her. So just cancel the expensive hotel room, set your budget, tell her what your budget is and tell her it’s final.

It’s just bizarre to shrug your shoulders and drop out losing your flight money!

I think shes been selfish to basically railroad me into a bookings I cant afford

She’s selfish because you can’t say the words “no, I can’t afford that”?

I agree completely with @Ellisandra. You’d rather just kiss that money goodbye than call her and say very explicitly your absolute top budget for everything is £X and therefore you can’t do what she wants. She’s your friend, isn’t she? She might be demanding but it almost feels like you’re happy taking a complete back seat and then complaining when she doesn’t choose what you want or can’t read your mind?!

You are not going to be happy if you do go OP, so it is probably best to back out now but the friendship may well be affected.

Did you tell her the amount you could afford? It would have been better to set a budget and respond immediately with 'no' when she booked something outside the budget. She is not blameless, but there is no point complaining about it if you are not willing to say it to her.

You’re being silly, OP.

Say nicely but firmly I thought this trip would cost under £400 so that’s what I budgeted. The hotel rooms have doubled and the flights are more expensive too so now I’m worried I can’t afford it at all. I don’t have spare cash to add. Do you want to see if we can get the cheaper rooms? At the moment I have less than £20 a day for food and drink based on my £400 budget!

Frankly, OP, the hotel rooms are the issue. Ask her to cover the extra or subsidise them - you didn’t agree to spend extra on that.

If you drop out, does friend have to pay the lot? or is OP just writing off the money?

Regarding your comment on page 3, OP - I think you're not getting it yourself. She's not being a bad friend, YOU are being impossible at communicating. YOU are the one who has the limited budget, it's up to YOU to make it clear from the outset what your limit was and what your expectations are

I agree

Did you agree to the hotel room and then she booked it, or did she book it and then tell you?

If the latter, I would be saying that she needs to pay the difference in price for both of you.

Just talk to her

Just say you can’t afford the extras and you’ll go but have to opt out of the morning flights / specific activities.

Did your friend ask you if you were ok with paying the extra hotel price or did she just book it anyway assuming you would be ok? And have you paid her for it?

If you didn’t agree to it and haven’t paid her either book your own cheaper room or only give her what you agreed to pay.

I think you're just looking for an excuse not to go, people are giving you ideas of what to say and you're just saying you don't think you'll go.
Don't go then, it's not her it's you that's the problem, you aren't communicating, she is not psychic.
I had a friend who would just say "oooh I think I'll just cancel I can't do with the stress" about things, we aren't friends any more.