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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell friend I can no longer afford our long weekend?

213 replies

SlinkyDogDash · 27/07/2019 03:31

My friend leads quite an affluent lifestyle, earns well, no kids, all good. I earn a much lower wage and most is spent on mortgage and bills, I'm a single mum and feel I need to be careful with money.

Friend asked me to go on a long weekend with her. I sorted childcare and agreed, its v rare for me to be able to do this. Then the pressure started... friend suggested flights, immediately wanting more expensive morning ones to maximise time away, I had wanted afternoon as cheaper, she is a very insistent person!

We had agreed to book a cheap hotel room, friend was happy with this, then last minute changed her mind and booked one with a view for twice the price! There was a lot of pressure to accept this 'but this is a one off long weekend away' I felt quite forced to accept the change and paid her my share.

Now she wants to book some expensive trips 🙈 I feel like the whole thing has become about her whims and wants, she is very used to getting her own way in life. She certainly isn't considering me and she knows I have a much tighter budget than her.

So far the flights, transfers and hotel have cost £360 each for three nights. Realistically my choices are to say I cant afford to book trips, car hire etc but feel under constant pressure to do so which would spoil the break, as I mentioned she is a very insistent person. She wont want to do trips etc on her own.

I feel like it would be easier to accept that I've lost £360 and say I can no longer come, she can give my ticket to someone else. I feel mean to do that but equally I think shes been selfish to basically railroad me into a bookings I cant afford when we agreed at the outset that it would be a cheap break. I would estimate that my further costs would be about £300 if I go on the trip, based on food, taxis etc. I dont think £660 is a cheap long weekend, if we had stuck to the cheap flight, standard hotel room and just sightseeing whilst there it could have been £350ish.

Aibu not to go?

OP posts:
Teddybear45 · 27/07/2019 14:09

Same @nomoremilk. I had ‘friends’ who’d say yes to everything then back out at the last minute due to the ‘expense’ but strangely enough weeks later you’d see spend just as much on a series of activities for someone else. I do think OP’s failure to communicate suggests she’s waiting for something better to come along in terms of plans.

VenusTiger · 27/07/2019 14:15

Instead of saying you “can’t afford” any add ons, you need to be more clear OP.... “I’ve run out of money now..... there’s NO money left.... that’s it, money gone... you have money for food and taxis, that’s it!”

Be more clear.

Nothingcomesforfree · 27/07/2019 14:17

Don't go then, it's not her it's you that's the problem, you aren't communicating, she is not psychic

The OP has said several times that they agreed £75 hotel rooms, yet her friend went and booked the room at twice the price.OP has told friend no trips which friend said she understood but then still went on about a £40 excursion.

The holiday is over budget already. I think OP should cancel as she can’t afford it. Or maybe try and get some part time work ;ironing or babysitting for a few weeks.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 27/07/2019 14:20

Yabu about early flights on a long weekend. I'm interested to know where abouts you're going. If it a city such as Paris or Rome with plenty of sight seeing then yabu to not expect additional costs to a touristy place. I dont think shes particularly out of order but when going away you dont want to stay in a basic hotel. Personally for me its treat and I'd have funds in order to treat myself to sighting seeing because why not I'm on holiday. I think the problem lies in that you have different expectations of what a holiday is.

goldfinchfan · 27/07/2019 14:40

why can't your friend pay for you to go on the trips if she wants your company?
she is being unreasonable. but you need to speak up and tell her it is too much already

Chicken101 · 27/07/2019 14:44

Been through a similar thing recently actually, and to add to that I’ve just bought a house that I’m renovating to my taste and my friend earns mega money she surprised me by telling me she wants us to go away for my birthday I agreed paid the money once there she wanted to do excursions museums expensive meals and in the end honestly I exploded having previously told her the immense pressure I was under to find money to decorate before my baby arrives (yeah there’s that too) and it spoilt our time and she offered to pay which made me even more uncomfortable. Please speak up now x

SavingSpaces2019 · 27/07/2019 14:58

Are you sure she's your friend Op?
She doesn't sound like one.
She doesn't listen to you, doesn't consider your circumstances and rail roads you into spending more money for HER benefit.

Stop being a doormat.
A simple "what part of "I CAN'T AFFORD ANYTHING ABOVED WHAT WE ORIGINALLT AGREED" do you not understand?"

slithytove · 27/07/2019 16:17

If the hotel was only booked last night, who booked it? Who paid for it? Did you agree to the increase in price before it was booked?

poopypants · 27/07/2019 16:29

You will only be pushed to spend more if you allow it. Ffs grow up. Go. Have fun. Refuse all excursions. Be blunt. Put yourself first. Constantly point out it's her own fault for increasing the price on things.

seven201 · 27/07/2019 17:18

Send a strong message

I wanted to get in touch to say please can you stop suggesting trips etc.? I have already gone way over budget because I felt guilted into the many little upgrades you keep suggesting that I do not want eg the room with a view at twice the cost. As you know I am a single parent on a low wage and this long weekend is needed and i was very excited when you first suggested it, but I agreed to go on the basis that it would be cheap. I think our versions of cheap are very different. I don't want to put a dampener on things but I'm finding myself very stressed about affording this long weekend now and I keep waiting for the next text from you to arrive that involves spending money. So please let's go and have a wonderful time exploring and relaxing, but please when we're there don't suggest things I can't afford. I'm more than happy for you to go and I can do my own thing and meet you straight after etc.

Surfingtheweb · 27/07/2019 17:27

Oh you could get a week all inclusive for £750 so yes this seems really expensive 🙈 I think you should just call the friend and say you cannot afford anymore, don't miss your trip though.

Original poster
SlinkyDogDash · 27/07/2019 17:28

Thanks. I'm not looking for excuses not to go. I had thought I'd been clear at the outset with her that I had a limited budget. She booked the more expensive hotel room after we agreed a 'standard' one and I have paid her for it.

After I made very clear I couldn't afford anymore 'extras' such as trips she still emailed wanting to book one, I dont see that as a problem with communication, simply that she wants certain things and seems unwilling to accept I cant afford the same as her.

The only reason I will cancel is if she continues to try to push/guilt me into buying trips etc as I'm very sure my communication has been crystal clear now (I'm not convinced she wasnt clear from the start anyway tbh). If that loses me a friendship then so be it, as many posters have said I shouldnt allow myself to be a doormat.

OP posts:
WombatChocolate · 27/07/2019 17:29

I also suspect this is a trip Op has just decided she doesn't want to go on - could be for one or more of many possible reasons - and now she's looking to justify pulling out without it being her responsibility.

No-one has forced Op to agree to a holiday or any element of it. She is perfectly able now or at any time to say no to any element of the holiday. If she pulls out now, she will need to be willing to accept that pulling out is down to her and not delude herself that it is wholly due to friend. However, this thread seems to be about finding a way to justify a decision already made and to remove any sense of personal responsibility in the decision making.

rookiemere · 27/07/2019 17:32

I just don't understand the bit where you agreed the price and type of hotel room and then she book d one at twice the cost. At that point I would have said, no sorry that's not what we agreed and I can't afford it, rather than baulking at the excursions cost now.

Original poster
SlinkyDogDash · 27/07/2019 17:33

@WombatChocolate why would I have paid over £300 for a trip I dont want to go on? Of course I'd like to go, I am planning to go, I will only pull out if she gives me a hard time over not doing expensive activities etc

OP posts:
WombatChocolate · 27/07/2019 17:34

Cross post with op.

You need to be clearer. Don't just decide you won't go if she continues to suggest expensive trips. Decide you will state very expressly that the trip has really gone beyond what you can afford and you need to insist nothing else is committed to. If you don't expressly say this, you can't justify feeling annoyed and pulling out. You clearly haven't been on the same page about this so its up to you to make sure she is clear rather than thinking she will magically suddenly realise.

Original poster
SlinkyDogDash · 27/07/2019 17:36

@rookiemere she paid for the room and I transferred her the money. She hadn't told me the extra cost prior to booking. With hindsight yes I should have challenged, but equally she shouldn't have increased the cost without asking. It wont happen again I have been completely straight with her that I've go no further budget due to the overspend.

OP posts:
WombatChocolate · 27/07/2019 17:37

Anyway, I hope that the misunderstandings are cleared up, options are found to please you both and you have a great time and all this turns into a non issue - should be very possible with a bit of communication.

VenusTiger · 27/07/2019 17:42

Again OP, saying “I can’t afford” means different things to different people, you really need to say “there is NO money left for this trip, I have food and taxi money left, that is it, NO more money left” be perfectly clear.

Can’t afford, to some, means you have the money but can’t use it to spend on that particular thing.

Oblomov19 · 27/07/2019 17:57

I don't know why OP can't tell 'friend' how she feels. She's had plenty of opportunity. Op hasn't communicated.

Come on Op, please stand up for yourself.

I go on holiday very regularly with a group of women, my closest friends. We all earn very different amounts. But we are accepting of this. We are totally open, never embarrassed about what each of us can afford.

ysmaem · 27/07/2019 18:41

Why on earth didn't you just say no and that you couldn't afford it?!

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/07/2019 22:04

"Which is why I feel like cancelling - she either cant understand or doesnt respect the fact I cant afford this. Keeping telling her is just tiresome and stressful."

"Unfortunately I feel like the trip is going to be a miserable one if I'm stuck defending not spending more for three days"

Totally get where you're coming from SlinkyDogDash. She is choosing what she wants, and bugger your needs. She is choosing to ignore what you say to her. She is choosing to treat you like an entourage and not a friend.

Rather than cancel and lose the cash you've already shelled out for this trip - I'd be inclined to respond to her next exhortation to spend money that you don't have (we all know there will be a next one) that you've told her repeatedly that you cannot afford it and if she want to book it then she's paying for both of you. That might make her back off. Or pay, either way's a win.

Smelborp · 27/07/2019 22:12

Does she definitely expect you to pay the extras? You e agreed a price for things, if she doubles it, that’s on her and she pays the extra surely? She has no right to spend your money. You’ve set a budget and she knows it.

HauntedPencil · 27/07/2019 22:15

You've paid most of it now and like you say you don't really get a chance to go away it would be daft to waste that.

Set a budget you can afford for spending money and tell her upfront.

If you can't afford expensive trips just say! Don't book them.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 27/07/2019 23:13

Has she responded when you've made it clear about the fact that her arbitrary decision to move to a room where you can look out in the sea, for the very short time you're there and not asleep or getting ready, has effectively cost you the opportunity to go on almost two trips?

And that's assuming you had the spare £75 available in the first place, which you didn't really anyway.