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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell friend I can no longer afford our long weekend?

213 replies

SlinkyDogDash · 27/07/2019 03:31

My friend leads quite an affluent lifestyle, earns well, no kids, all good. I earn a much lower wage and most is spent on mortgage and bills, I'm a single mum and feel I need to be careful with money.

Friend asked me to go on a long weekend with her. I sorted childcare and agreed, its v rare for me to be able to do this. Then the pressure started... friend suggested flights, immediately wanting more expensive morning ones to maximise time away, I had wanted afternoon as cheaper, she is a very insistent person!

We had agreed to book a cheap hotel room, friend was happy with this, then last minute changed her mind and booked one with a view for twice the price! There was a lot of pressure to accept this 'but this is a one off long weekend away' I felt quite forced to accept the change and paid her my share.

Now she wants to book some expensive trips 🙈 I feel like the whole thing has become about her whims and wants, she is very used to getting her own way in life. She certainly isn't considering me and she knows I have a much tighter budget than her.

So far the flights, transfers and hotel have cost £360 each for three nights. Realistically my choices are to say I cant afford to book trips, car hire etc but feel under constant pressure to do so which would spoil the break, as I mentioned she is a very insistent person. She wont want to do trips etc on her own.

I feel like it would be easier to accept that I've lost £360 and say I can no longer come, she can give my ticket to someone else. I feel mean to do that but equally I think shes been selfish to basically railroad me into a bookings I cant afford when we agreed at the outset that it would be a cheap break. I would estimate that my further costs would be about £300 if I go on the trip, based on food, taxis etc. I dont think £660 is a cheap long weekend, if we had stuck to the cheap flight, standard hotel room and just sightseeing whilst there it could have been £350ish.

Aibu not to go?

OP posts:
StarB3 · 28/07/2019 23:11

I'm in this situation. Planned a weekend away with a friend and now can't really afford too. Tried telling them but they said there's no one else they want to go, which made me feel bad so I ended up agreeing to still go even though I'd really rather not or can afford too.

winniestone37 · 29/07/2019 08:48

Dear god just tell her you can't afford to do what she wants and that's it, she's welcome to do them alone.

Cricketwidow59 · 29/07/2019 09:38

Please let us all know the outcome.

jane251 · 29/07/2019 16:02

Drop her.For good.In all senses.Otherwise you will constantly trying to reset an impossible behaviour pattern.

Cricketwidow59 · 30/07/2019 08:51

This reply has been deleted

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SaveKevin · 30/07/2019 09:07

I had a friend like this, we did one holiday. Our budgets just aren’t compatible and her lack of ever having a budget means she doesn’t get it despite thinking it’s a compromise there’s a “well we’ve spent x it’s only £40 extra for y and it’s almost pointless spending that x without spending that y”.

Aridane · 30/07/2019 09:38

@Cricketwidow59 - you need to start your own thread...

Tumbleweed101 · 30/07/2019 09:47

To the poster who said about spending money for a family holiday - you’d be shocked at me then, I’m a single parent and left my children three weeks to meet friends abroad! I’d been waiting for over ten years to meet them in person as we all live on different continents and the break from the kids and day to day life did me so much good. It can’t always be about the children, parents have needs too!

OP - enjoy your trip and make it clear you can’t afford the extras before it starts causing resentment.

SaraNade · 30/07/2019 10:02

she still emailed wanting to book one

OP, I would have emailed her back and said "as long as you're paying for me" and see what she says.

Really though, it almost seems like she is doing this to spite you and rub it in that she can afford it. She is not a real friend and imo not enough that I would be going on any holiday with her.

Spidey66 · 30/07/2019 10:03

If she wanted the earlier flights, better room etc she should have paid the difference knowing money's tight for you.

livefornaps · 30/07/2019 11:46

Yes just say "oh, friend, how you do spoil me, treating me to all these little extras!!! I feel like a princess "

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 30/07/2019 12:33

I'm sorry OP, this is a tricky situation but it looks like you've been quite passive so far re costs, how will you cope face to face when she is constantly suggesting expensive restaurants, drinks, other things? If you're going to find this hard, maybe you should suck it up and cancel..

On the other hand, where are you due to go? Maybe people on here could give you some suggestions for stuff that won't break the bank?

busyhonestchildcarer · 30/07/2019 20:34

Its difficult as we are all different when it comes to our financial situations.I know my own friends circumstances and when they visit me I live abroad I know this is a big expense for them so I try to treat them when they are here but not so much that they feel like a charity case.I know if it was the other way round they would do the same for me.If she is aware of how things are for you then id suggest she isnt a great friend

katewhinesalot · 31/07/2019 09:45

Tell her your whole budget for the weekend and tell her that she can spend that how she wishes but once it's gone, it's gone.

Original poster
SlinkyDogDash · 16/08/2019 18:52

Well for the update...she accepted my firmness about my budget, no further spending etc. but only temporarily.

So this week shes been phoning about booking trips etc again. I repeat my lack of funds each time but get told 'oh but it's a special offer, only £60' etc. I've not agreed to anything further (I dont have the money!)

However I just want to tell her I cant come now, the fun and excitement have completely gone and if i go i feel I'll either be nagged (she really wants to get her way...) or she will be unpleasant. I feel bad to cancel with just a few weeks notice, she will have to go alone as doubt she can find someone else...

OP posts:
RandomMess · 16/08/2019 19:02

Sadthat's rubbish of her!

I would say to say, trip sounds great so are you going to pay for mine as I can't afford it?

BrightYellowDaffodil · 16/08/2019 19:05

I think you’d be completely reasonable to pull out. You told her this is what you’d do if she kept on and she’s ignored you. Time for her to learn that there’s a consequence to her actions. As I’ve learned, some people genuinely are absolutely pig-headed about what THEY want, but that doesn’t mean you have to tolerate it or, indeed, pay for it.

You have my sympathy as I budgetbhard to have things and it upsets me a great deal to have people try to blow my budget/spend my money to suit themselves. If she’s this bad now just imagine how much worse she’d be when you’re actually away!

Original poster
SlinkyDogDash · 16/08/2019 19:12

@BrightYellowDaffodil yes agreed, I always suspected that she was fully aware of my budget constraints and shes proved it this week. I will have learned my lesson and will tell her that I cant afford to go anymore. Shame I've lost my costs so far but at least I wont have further stress from her. She can still go on her own.

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 16/08/2019 19:19

She's a dose! Given she has chosen to ignore your previous messages about your finances you would be well within your rights to pull out now. Just send her a message telling her it's a shame she cannot respect the fact that you are not financially flush, as previously stated, and you feel the trip would be a disaster as you both want different things from it.

NoSquirrels · 16/08/2019 19:52

Tell her to refund the difference if the hotel room upgrade and you’ll be able to afford the trips.

Or tell her you’d love to go on the trips but you can’t afford it so would she like to pay for you?

I think just not going is really odd, having paid already.

angell84 · 16/08/2019 20:30

If it was me I would go ; but I would just say firmly to her: I do not have money for trips, do not ask me again.

managedmis · 16/08/2019 20:35

Have you told her?

BrightYellowDaffodil · 16/08/2019 20:38

Shame I've lost my costs so far

Consider it an investment for the future as you wont't have to put up with her raiding your (metaphorical) bank account any more!

Thornhill58 · 16/08/2019 20:43

@SlinkyDogDash poor you. I hope you do go and have a great time.
I'll say if she pushes as she is so cheeky... I'll go if you are paying for both as I mention before I can't afford it but I don't want to stop you either.
So hard to keep saying no and not being listen to.

browzingss · 16/08/2019 20:48

I wouldn’t consider £360 a cheap weekend away, let alone the £700+ she wants - and I’m decently well off enough to afford both!

It’s a shame that you’d lose your money if you don’t go. Would you consider going but doing separate things here and there? She can do all her expensive things solo and you can just enjoy your weekend?

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