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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell friend I can no longer afford our long weekend?

213 replies

SlinkyDogDash · 27/07/2019 03:31

My friend leads quite an affluent lifestyle, earns well, no kids, all good. I earn a much lower wage and most is spent on mortgage and bills, I'm a single mum and feel I need to be careful with money.

Friend asked me to go on a long weekend with her. I sorted childcare and agreed, its v rare for me to be able to do this. Then the pressure started... friend suggested flights, immediately wanting more expensive morning ones to maximise time away, I had wanted afternoon as cheaper, she is a very insistent person!

We had agreed to book a cheap hotel room, friend was happy with this, then last minute changed her mind and booked one with a view for twice the price! There was a lot of pressure to accept this 'but this is a one off long weekend away' I felt quite forced to accept the change and paid her my share.

Now she wants to book some expensive trips 🙈 I feel like the whole thing has become about her whims and wants, she is very used to getting her own way in life. She certainly isn't considering me and she knows I have a much tighter budget than her.

So far the flights, transfers and hotel have cost £360 each for three nights. Realistically my choices are to say I cant afford to book trips, car hire etc but feel under constant pressure to do so which would spoil the break, as I mentioned she is a very insistent person. She wont want to do trips etc on her own.

I feel like it would be easier to accept that I've lost £360 and say I can no longer come, she can give my ticket to someone else. I feel mean to do that but equally I think shes been selfish to basically railroad me into a bookings I cant afford when we agreed at the outset that it would be a cheap break. I would estimate that my further costs would be about £300 if I go on the trip, based on food, taxis etc. I dont think £660 is a cheap long weekend, if we had stuck to the cheap flight, standard hotel room and just sightseeing whilst there it could have been £350ish.

Aibu not to go?

OP posts:
Tensixtysix · 27/07/2019 09:02

So let me get this straight...she wants you to come on a long weekend, it's HER idea, SHE wants to upgrade but you have to pay YOUR share??
It's like saying that she wants a party but all the guests have to pay for it!
What a cheapscate!
She is NOT your friend. If she truly knew your circumstances and how tight your budget is, she'd treat you.
That's what friends do...

Branleuse · 27/07/2019 09:04

tell her that she is welcome to book that excursion for herself, but you categorically cannot afford to spend any more and youre feeling really pressured now, and perhaps she should have invited a wealthier friend

CalmFizz · 27/07/2019 09:05

Have you told her you accounted for the room being £75, she agreed that, you’ll transfer her the £75?

sackrifice · 27/07/2019 09:06

Then five minutes later I got an email about a £40 trip saying 'but surely we will be booking one of these, it's good value and a waste not to'.

£40 is my food budget for the trip so yes if you think I can just eat dirt the whole time I am there. To be honest, I'm close to pulling out, as i just cannot afford these extras so perhaps you should find someone else to go with?'

Nothingcomesforfree · 27/07/2019 09:07

thetimekeeper Are you the friend!

Actually you raise a very good point. Did the wealthy friend have a figure to stick to when planning the weekend? Because “cheap” is subjective.

JemimaPuddlePeacock · 27/07/2019 09:10

Then five minutes later I got an email about a £40 trip saying 'but surely we will be booking one of these, it's good value and a waste not to'. Which is why I feel like cancelling - she either cant understand or doesnt respect the fact I cant afford this. Keeping telling her is just tiresome and stressful.

So reply ‘like I said, I can’t afford to spend any more. I’m happy if you would like to go on that excursion though while I chill and have a day by the pool?’

Speak up for yourself! Are you this conflict avoidant/pushover in other areas of your life?

fedup21 · 27/07/2019 09:10

Reply to the recent email about the trip saying no, I can’t afford it.

Writersblock2 · 27/07/2019 09:11

You’re being unreasonable, in that you expect your friend’s definition of cheap to be the same as yours without any decent communication. Also, by agreeing to the upgrade in the first place you’ve set the scene for her thinking the money may be available for other upgrade. You should have set out costs at the start and done your part in the organising.

I think you’re also unreasonable for automatically expecting an afternoon flight over a weekend.

Communication!

thedevilinablackdress · 27/07/2019 09:15

This just confirms my thought that holidays with anyone you haven't holidayed with before are an absolute minefield. People have such different ideas about how to spend money and time.
Tell her exactly how it is.
Communication and compromise (in this case, the former you and the latter her)

TapasForTwo · 27/07/2019 09:16

But must must keep telling her. You won't get the money back that you have already spent.

Repeat ad nauseum if you have to "Please stop asking me for money I just don't have"

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 27/07/2019 09:22

Just woman up ffs!

You can’t afford it, communicate and tell her that

Orangeballon · 27/07/2019 09:22

You are not alone in being unable to afford this sort of break, just tell her you have limited funds.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 27/07/2019 09:23

“I’ve already said I can’t afford to book any further extras. Happy for you to go while I have a day at the beach though. We can meet up for dinner.”

billy1966 · 27/07/2019 09:23

Send her a message spelling out what your budget is.
Tell her that it is stressing you out that she doesn't seem to get it.
Tell her this is going to spoil it for you if it continues.

Why on earth would you hand over control of this to her when you are on a tight budget.

Her idea of a budget break is not your idea.
This could have been expected to happen. She lives in a different reality to you.

Spell it out now or have your weekend and friendship spoiler.

Why would you even contemplate a weekend away with someone you could not be absolutely frank with.

Original poster
SlinkyDogDash · 27/07/2019 09:23

I agree, I will keep telling her. Unfortunately I feel like the trip is going to be a miserable one if I'm stuck defending not spending more for three days, I have no doubt she will want to keep indulging when were there.

I will refuse any further bookings for the trip, if she keeps asking and wont accept then I just wont go. I agree with pp shes not really my friend.

OP posts:
LoubyLou1234 · 27/07/2019 09:25

Be blunt! No I can't afford the trip You've doubled the price of the hotel from £75 (which we agreed) to £150 and that's taken me over budget which means I've not much for spending money. Sorry but money is tight and this is becoming too expensive for me.

If I was her I wouldn't be assuming that you can soak up all the costs that easily. But you also need to start being more assertive and make your point heard.

If it's only £40 she can pay! I probably would treat tbh. I've done so with friends before and no I'm not a high earner but no kids so more disposable money.
.

NataliaOsipova · 27/07/2019 09:26

Did the wealthy friend have a figure to stick to when planning the weekend? Because “cheap” is subjective.

I’m afraid this is the crux of it. Unless you told her “I can come only if the whole thing is less than £x”, I don’t thing she’s done anything massively wrong in that you’ve obviously discussed flights and hotels etc and you’ve agreed to her suggestions. I get that it’s tiresome to be saying “I can’t” all the time, though, so she’s clearly not picking up on the signals. I think you’ll just have to have a firm and frank discussion with her and lay down the law with an absolute figure.

Branleuse · 27/07/2019 09:29

tell her that her idea of a budget holiday is clearly very different to yours, and youre not sure where she thinks you are going to magic money from

BlueSkiesLies · 27/07/2019 09:30

Is sounds tiresome but... you wanted afternoon flights for a weekend away? Of course weekends away you maximise time away and so suck up the higher flight prices.

She is U about the hotel and the extras though.

KUGA · 27/07/2019 09:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MindatWork · 27/07/2019 09:32

She is BU but I don’t understand why you didn’t challenge the hotel room booking.

“Have booked us a lovely room with a view, it’s £150”
“That’s double what we agreed, I can’t afford that”

And repeat

CalmFizz · 27/07/2019 09:35

I’m confused, Why are you having to fund decisions made unilaterally by her??

Have you paid the inflated cost of the hotel room that you did not choose, want or book? What do you think would happen if you said you were sticking to the agreed price?

I get people want upgrades, but if it’s a single persons choice then it’s a single person funding it,

TapasForTwo · 27/07/2019 09:36

So you have spent upwards of £300 to stay at home.

Don't be silly. Cutting your nose off to spite your face won't achieve anything. Woman up and keep saying no.

And when you get back see if there are any assertiveness courses you can go on.

Nothingcomesforfree · 27/07/2019 09:37

I think people are being a bit rude to you SlinkyDogDash. Your friend is just not getting the money issue.

Spending when you get there will be a problem, I agree.She’ll want food in nice restaurants for every meal and there will be drinks, coffees and snacks throughout, I bet. When I’m travelling cheap it’s food from the supermarket for snacks and drinks and only one meal out somewhere reasonable.
My other holidays are all about the eating and drinking and ordering what we like, where we like. It always costs more than you think.

Pinkyyy · 27/07/2019 09:40

Nearly £700 for a weekend away? You could get a week somewhere all inclusive for that.