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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that once your dcs have left for university that they have effectively 'left'?

254 replies

IveToldYouTwice · 26/07/2019 16:53

Have name changed as dd is a spy when it comes to mumsnet. I know times are different now but I left home when I was around 17. Never went back but obviously went to visit every now and then but stopped having a room at home.

Dd went to university last year. This year, her second year, she has rented a house for 12 months with her friends so effectively she will be living there. She also has a job in the city where she's at university. I still have other dcs at home. Her university is in a different city to where we live, around 2 hours away.

Her room is not being used for the majority of the year now so I want to redecorate it and use it for guests as we often have people visiting (family/friends) and our house is tiny and this is now the only spare room. This has been met with wails of horror about how I'm kicking her out and how she doesn't have a 'home' any more. She does, of course, but her room will now become the guest room and she's welcome to come and stay whenever she likes.

Neither exh nor dp think I am being harsh as we had exactly the same arrangement with our parents (exh did come back a lot more often but dp left home and started working when he was 18).

So AIBU?

OP posts:
UrsulaPandress · 26/07/2019 16:55

YABU

My DD has just finished first year and has rented a house with friends for next year but this will always be her home for as long as she wants it to be.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 26/07/2019 16:56

YABU. Both my brother and I moved back to our family home after uni for about 5 years while we got ourselves together, ready for the big wide world.

NannaNoodleman · 26/07/2019 16:57

YABU.

Original poster
IveToldYouTwice · 26/07/2019 16:58

it's still her home, and she's welcome when she wants, but I just want to redecorate the room and put a different bed in so we can have guests!

this year, since September, she's only been back for 7 weeks in total before she goes back to uni in September (as her holidays are split between me and exh anyway)

OP posts:
Lazypuppy · 26/07/2019 16:59

YANBU

she has left home. I think the same as you (and i wrnt to uni less than 10years ago.)

IAskTooManyQuestions · 26/07/2019 17:00

I think YABU, yes. Unless you have thrown out all her personal possessions then that is still her home.

Any grants she gets are still dependent on your income.

Hypothetically, the family live in Home Town A, (eg London suburbs or commute) but their course is in Uni Town B (eg Bristol) - do you really expect them to live away from their family and support network forever more? Different of course if they get a job in Town B. But if you do live in eg London, why would you disadvantage your child in such a way?

78percentLindt · 26/07/2019 17:00

Possibly. Things are different now than when we went to Uni. I went home until beginning of August when I started work, and never lived at home again, same with DH.
DS1 came home after Uni and is still here ( high cost housing area). DS2 is working in his Uni town. f you had asked me before they went to Uni , I would have said ds2 would have been the one to come home.

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 · 26/07/2019 17:01

My son is doing the same for his second year too, but his room will stay as it is, he is happy for the odd visitor to use it when he is not here.

Lazypuppy · 26/07/2019 17:01

@MilkTwoSugarsThanks you koved back home for 5years??

Sorry, i don't think adult children should be encouraged to move back home.

After uni you have lived away from your parents for 3 years.

I couldn't move back with my mum after uni i loved my independence. I rented a small studio flat in my uni town and carried on as i was at uni

avalanching · 26/07/2019 17:01

Home was still home for me when I was at university, moving out for me wasn't until I got a more "permanent" home and took all my stuff, uni was temporary, I was never intending on living permanently in the city I was studying in.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 26/07/2019 17:02

YANBU, she doesn't live there any more therefore has left. It's not like she'd never be allowed to come and stay is it?

I left home at 18 then went to uni a few years later.

You're not moving anyone else into that room, you're making it useable for other people who also don't live in your house.

probstimeforanewname · 26/07/2019 17:02

I think you still live at home until you leave uni.

I remember reading something a year or so ago that said that if parents move while students are away at uni it is very unsettling for them.

You can still use the room as a guest room (and get a new bed or add a sofa bed) but don't start calling it the spare room or call her a guest. If you want to redecorate it ask her what she would like, so it's still her room but clean and new looking when you have guests.

PooWillyBumBum · 26/07/2019 17:03

YANBU

My mum turned my old room into a lodgers room after I left ten years ago. Unless you have bedrooms coming out of your ears it’s unreasonable to keep one as a shrine for the odd weekend!

BarbedBloom · 26/07/2019 17:04

YABU

Spinnaret · 26/07/2019 17:04

I am 47 and my parents still haven't redecorated my room. Or either of my brothers' rooms. This may be a bit extreme in the other direction.

But, I do think that at 17, it is a bit harsh. My student flats were only ever a 10 month lease, so if I hadn't had my parents to go back to, I would have been stuck. I also had to keep going back on and off between jobs until I was about 28, and bought my own place. Nature of my career meant accommodation came with work, and if I was out of work or between jobs, I had nowhere to stay as there weren't short term flexible tenancies or AirBnB.

tomtom1999xx · 26/07/2019 17:05

Does your dd not come home in the holidays?
My dd was home from uni for almost 3 months of the year.
Plus she came home for a few years after uni until she could afford a place of her own.
That’s when I consider children have left home, once they’ve got their own place, not while they’re at university.

Yabu.

thelonggame · 26/07/2019 17:05

YABU.
I'm 50 now, 2 girls at Uni and although they both live with their partners this is their home and always will be until they are properly settled into a long term home after leaving Uni and starting work.
I left home at 18 when jobs were easy to get, rent was low and you could buy a house for under £20,000.
Around here - South East - flats start about £1000 month and a 2 up 2 down house is £300,000 - it's just such a different time and you can't compare to how it was when we were young.
Times are so different

bluebellation · 26/07/2019 17:06

YANBU, she is an adult who has left home to continue her education. Yes obviously she will always be welcome and you'll always be her mother but your life is moving on, the same as hers.

growlingbear · 26/07/2019 17:06

I think they need a home with you until after uni. It's a half way stage. Once they have a job and a home, post uni, that's the time to make the changes. It's only 24 months more from your point of view but it could really matter to her.

tomtom1999xx · 26/07/2019 17:06

And everything thelonggame said.

Aragog · 26/07/2019 17:07

Well personally my room (well part of room, I shared with a much younger sibling) stayed pretty much the same all the way through university, as did my brother and sister's rooms when they went. DH's did too, as did his brother's.

I went back every holiday, inc the last summer when I finished. My brother moved back home after a couple of years. My sister moved back home for a year a year after finishing university for work. DH went back to live at home for a year after qualifying until I'd finished. His brother never did but did come home in holidays and to visit.

I would have to be really desperate to need the space to change it from 'her' room to a spare room, at least until she had finished university and got herself a job.

Is there no compromise? Can visitors not be allowed to use 'her' room when they stay, but it ultimately stays your DD's room until she officially moves out after university?

Champagne791 · 26/07/2019 17:07

YABU. She is at university, university rooms never feel like home. Saying she is welcome to come and stay, is essentially treating her like a guest. So she would have no home.

I wish people would stop referring to what they did after uni when they were their DC age, as the economy and society is so different now. I would put my DDs happiness before making a room for guests that could happily stay in a hotel!

user1493413286 · 26/07/2019 17:07

To be honest I think her reaction shows it’s a bit soon and she wants the security of feeling she still has her home to come back to.
When I left home my mum turned my room into a guest room in degrees, starting by putting a double bed in which I was happy with and she asked if I minded then slowly making sure my things were in the cupboards etc so it was presentable as a guest room but to me was still mine. She may also need to come back home for a while after university

HollowTalk · 26/07/2019 17:08

But why would she be bothered if you painted it and put a new bed in? Or were you thinking you'd pack up all her things? Would guests be bothered if her things were there?

Original poster
IveToldYouTwice · 26/07/2019 17:09

she's 19. She works in the city she's at university so doesn't come back all the holidays and travels abroad (she loves her holidays!) and still sees exh for part of the holidays too. So this year, I've seen her for the sum total of 7 weeks. She does consider my house home though (rather than exh's).

I also go up to see her about once every 2 months for a night as it appears easier for me to go up to see her than it does for her coming to see me!

OP posts: