to think that once your dcs have left for university that they have effectively 'left'?

[IveToldYouTwice]

Have name changed as dd is a spy when it comes to mumsnet. I know times are different now but I left home when I was around 17. Never went back but obviously went to visit every now and then but stopped having a room at home.

Dd went to university last year. This year, her second year, she has rented a house for 12 months with her friends so effectively she will be living there. She also has a job in the city where she's at university. I still have other dcs at home. Her university is in a different city to where we live, around 2 hours away.

Her room is not being used for the majority of the year now so I want to redecorate it and use it for guests as we often have people visiting (family/friends) and our house is tiny and this is now the only spare room. This has been met with wails of horror about how I'm kicking her out and how she doesn't have a 'home' any more. She does, of course, but her room will now become the guest room and she's welcome to come and stay whenever she likes.

Neither exh nor dp think I am being harsh as we had exactly the same arrangement with our parents (exh did come back a lot more often but dp left home and started working when he was 18).

So AIBU?

I still have my room at my parents even if I am a middle-aged mother who owns her own home!

I understand that not everyone has the space for that, but YABU.
Why wouldn't a child come back home after uni? They can chose to take a gap year and go travelling and need space for their belonging and a home to come to. They can start a career but live at home for a few years to save money to buy a property.

I wouldn't allow mine to stay home and do nothing, but the time to live cheaply is when you are young, single and without family. Why wouldn't they live at home for a few years?

Change the bed and tell her her bedroom will be used by guests, so she needs to get rid of anything too private, but it's mean to get rid of her bedroom entirely. She's still your kid.

I left at 18 for uni in London , and effectively just visited after that. But, big difference, my parents home was in the country and we live in the London suburbs. Jobs, both career and temporary, are easy to come by here, and everyone I know has had their post 18 children coming home for the long holidays for local jobs and then living at home until they get properly established in careers because the cost of renting vs their grad pay is eyewatering, unlike for me in London at the same stage.

I could not have imagined still living at home post 18 but all these early 20 year olds seem to have a very different relationship with their parents than we older generation had with ours - still loving, but not so us and them.

I used the terms when the two DDs were away to do over the whole house - using their bedrooms to put other rooms contents in whilst they were decorated etc, then did their rooms. I had thought the older one had finally left when she moved further into London with a flat share so made that into a nice guest room - she, and all her stuff, boomeranged back and forth two times after that.

Neither are living at home now but we still have a lot of their stuff stored ( there have been some through filletings) until they have more cat swinging room.

I think yab a little U. My DD is due to go to uni in Sept. she is swapping bedrooms at home with her sibling as she has always had the biggest room so only fair youngest has it now she won't be using it that often. The smaller room will be redecorated to her taste until she properly moves out.

YANBU, but I think times have changed since I was a student. My parents had redecorated my room before I'd even finished Freshers' Week! When I visited I had to sleep on my sister's bedroom floor or on the sofa. Didn't bother me - our house was small and my old bedroom was the dining room (kitchen not big enough to eat in) so they needed it back.

I did end up moving back for a year, a couple of years later. I had a box room upstairs that they had cleared and had to pay rent.

It may well be 'home' but part and parcel of being an adult is facing the fact that the world doesn't revolve around you, and that it's not all drinks, partying and being able to make your own decisions - you don't get to dictate how someone else uses their house.

Sorry, OP, just re-read the bit where you said she got upset when you told her.

Despite the rather distant way you describe this (“wails of horror”), I think that gives you the answer you want.

Perhaps approach the subject again with a little more sensitivity in a few months time.

YABU

I had to give my brother the big loft room when I went into second year of uni, and my brothers room (which had been my room until a couple of years previously when the loft conversion was built) was the guest room/my room for the 20 or so weeks I was at home. Don't think they bothered redecorating but they got a new small double bed in there which was nicer than my/my brothers old high sleeper anyway! Lots of my stuff was still there, mostly books and really summery clothes, and my mum still called it my room though. My parents were not great in terms of treating me and my brother equally but I don't remember this seeming unfair.

It could have become very complicated had I moved back home after uni, as my brother should have been going into second year himself but ended up dropping out. Luckily now-DH had already moved to my uni town with a friend so I just moved in with them. So I think in general YANBU but you need to work this out with her sensitively. Has she said whether she's thinking of living in the city she's studying in after uni or coming back home? Makes a difference.

Of course you're not! You aren't saying she can't stay back whenever she wants! You are just making the room in your house more visitor friendly. I stay at my mums house when I visit family but it's a guest room - it's not decorated for a teenage girl

It sounds like your DD really isn't there very much but yes I'd agree yabu. If you want guests talk to her about how to make her room guest ready so she's happy for people to stay occasionally in it. But keep it as her room.

I'm not saying she can't come home! And I've made that perfectly clear!

But given how little she is here now it seems ridiculous to keep her room entirely as she left it just 'in case' she comes back! Our house is tiny - a 2 up 2 down and space is a massive premium.

She was upset at first - but she does understand and I will involve her in the redecorating. And she knows she is my priority, we have a very close relationship.

It's interesting hearing all your points of view as for me, dp and exh and exh's partner, we weren't given much choice but to go and I have to say, I never doubted my parents love despite that!

Unless space is a real issue and there are others desperate to lay claim to the room, I would let the child (as in your child, not that they are a minor, before anyone jumps on that) take the lead.

Some want to be off and rarely return, in which case, redecorating and repurposing the room is fine. Plenty, however, see their parents' house as their home - maybe for a year or two, maybe for decades - and it seems a bit cold to act as if they're demoted to guest status the second they've departed for university (which is barely half the year anyway).

My dd is same year as yours. She's paying rent already on a houseshare because it's a 12 month let. But she's back home with us for three months because she has an extremely well paid holiday job.

She's quite happy to have guests in her room when she's away and she has a double bed in there but all her tat remains where it is because it's her room.

What will you do if she goes back in to halls for her third year and you've effectively made out it's a guest room? She'll still have to come home in the holidays.

At the moment, she wants to teach English to foreign students abroad and go and live and work in Asia for a few years (after uni). That's the current plan but I know at this age how plans change :)

DS1 has always had the largest bedroom and DS3 has always had the smallest bedroom.

We have explained to DS1 that once he goes back to university for his second year, we will be swapping the rooms so he will have the smallest bedroom (so DS3 can have the largest bedroom for three years before starting university himself).

Middle road is the way here. You can still refer to it as her room but guests can stay if she's not there.

Nothing wrong with a spruce up of the decor or a nice new double bed, nor packing up all the tat she doesn't use into the loft. But don't remove all her things and eliminate all trace of her, that's horrid, unless you really really need the room full time.

As soon as I finished uni my parents gutted my room, chucked all my stuff and turned it into a study. Meanwhile my younger sister's room a few years later after she left uni remained as a shrine to her. Her pictures still on the wall, clothes in the drawers, books and knick knacks on the shelves. It is still like that and she's 42!

Of course YANBU! Kids have to move out at some point and become fully fledged adults. The idea that you need to keep a room specifically for her (as opposed to letting her stay in a guest room when she visits) is ridiculous, but tbf you raised her so you have probably had some part to play in her level of entitlement. I moved out at nineteen for university and didn’t spend another night at my parents’ home as they moved to new places separately where there wouldn’t have been space for my ‘own’ room, but even if it’d been different there’s no way I’d have expected my own room to remain once I’d left. She’s an adult now, it’s not good for kids to have an indefinite mum and dad safety net, it stunts their growth and maturity. No self respecting young adult in my circle when I was her age (and I’m only 31 now) would have dreamt of having the kind of expectations she has.

I also think you're unreasonable. There is no reason you can't use the room for guests. My daughter is 22. She lives in her uni town, but this is still her home and it's her room, even though guests stay in there. She will always have her room.

YABU. And unless you stump up the money for a deposit for her she’ll very likely want to live at home for a few years whilst working.

YANBU She’s an adult, and she has moved out now. She should move on. It’s your house, space is tight, so go for it.

I moved away to uni at 18 and never moved back. Of course I could always go home and stay there, but it was more as a guest and not as someone still living there.

When I was 11, my parents sent me (but not my 3 siblings) to boarding school in another country and while I was away in the first term they moved from a spacious 4 bedroom flat to a small 3 bedroom house, so there was nowhere for me to sleep. In the holidays they graciously allowed me to sleep in their cellar, next to my father's tool bench.
Anything short of that is fine. You aren't saying she can't come back, just that it isn't her exclusive space any more. I'd probably have redecorated and used it as a guest room, but just not made any sort of announcement about it.

part and parcel of being an adult is facing the fact that the world doesn't revolve around you, and that it's not all drinks, partying and being able to make your own decisions - you don't get to dictate how someone else uses their house.

that's not what it is at all! It's a sad way to see things.
I pretty much left home for good when I went to Uni, because I then went travelling for a couple of years, then I moved country for my 1st job. It was still nice to have a home where I could come back to if I needed. It has always very much been my parents house, but it was still home.

My DC always has his room to come back to .Our Aunt uses it when hes not here sometimes .I cant see why you need to make it a "guest" room TBH .Cant the visitors use it?.If you want a double bed then by all means get one, but leave the rest of the room as it is .Where did all these visitors stay up to now?.Your DD wants to have her home to come back to and relax in !.After Uni she will probably be back home as well !.

Our children are going into a world where there's little job security - lots of temporary contract. In many areas finding a longterm place to live just isn't possible. Landlords may put up rents, mortgages are hugely expensive.

At university my daughter had live-in accommodation all 3 years but the terms were short. You had to pay extra if you wanted to live in beyond term time. So she was with us almost as much as she was at university.

I think I'm not very bothered about having a 'naice' guestroom with fancy towels and co-ordinated decor. If people want to come and stay, they'll have to cope among the general family mess.

She's about to start a 3 year traineeship, but I'm not changing anything without discussing it with her. We're living in hugely unstable times, and young people are likely to bear the brunt of that instabilty. My partner and I benefited from much more favourable conditions, so I feel it's our job to keep a space for her if she needs it over the next few years.

It sounds to me as if you don't like your daughter very much.

If that is the case then YANBU.