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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that once your dcs have left for university that they have effectively 'left'?

254 replies

IveToldYouTwice · 26/07/2019 16:53

Have name changed as dd is a spy when it comes to mumsnet. I know times are different now but I left home when I was around 17. Never went back but obviously went to visit every now and then but stopped having a room at home.

Dd went to university last year. This year, her second year, she has rented a house for 12 months with her friends so effectively she will be living there. She also has a job in the city where she's at university. I still have other dcs at home. Her university is in a different city to where we live, around 2 hours away.

Her room is not being used for the majority of the year now so I want to redecorate it and use it for guests as we often have people visiting (family/friends) and our house is tiny and this is now the only spare room. This has been met with wails of horror about how I'm kicking her out and how she doesn't have a 'home' any more. She does, of course, but her room will now become the guest room and she's welcome to come and stay whenever she likes.

Neither exh nor dp think I am being harsh as we had exactly the same arrangement with our parents (exh did come back a lot more often but dp left home and started working when he was 18).

So AIBU?

OP posts:
catlovingdoctor · 27/07/2019 12:12

I’m doing a second degree (Dentistry) and live at home; I took a year out between finishing my first degree and starting it and lived at home for that while applying and to save a bit of cash for the fees. It simply wasn’t and isn’t feasible for me to move out, even though there have certainly been times I’ve wanted to. I will be at home until at least the age of 29; later if I want to stay and try and save a bit more.

Wallywobbles · 27/07/2019 12:14

Yanbu in my view. We had much the same situation with my parents and it seemed normal to me.

JemimaPuddlePeacock · 27/07/2019 12:15

MN is so bizarre and so far out from the normal views and behaviours I see around me sometimes. The idea that someone would be unreasonable to redecorate and repurpose their adult child’s bedroom once they’ve moved out. I genuinely didn’t realise people thought that way!

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 27/07/2019 12:16

I've re-read your OP and it's clear you still mean it to be her home, so maybe emphasise that to her. I think you're jumping the gun a bit on the redecoration front if I'm honest, it does then sound as though you are taking her room away from her so a bit of a mixed message there.

It's not unreasonable to want to be able to use her room when she's not in it, you just need to be a bit more sensitive with the handling.

IamtheOA · 27/07/2019 12:23

You know it's still her home, but she probably feels like her safety net is being ripped out from under her.

Why not wait a bit?

BamBamBam · 27/07/2019 12:30

I'm half and half on this. When older DBro left home, his room was left alone - like a shrine to him. When I left home, my old bed etc was chucked out and replaced with office stuff before I'd even fully moved out. I was so upset to have essentially lost my home until my dad said 'well you're solid, I have no worries about you getting on with your life. Your brother on the other hand is a fucking liability and I expect he'll be back sooner or later!'

And he was right!

Your DD still has a bed to sleep in so she's better off than I was.

limitedperiodonly · 27/07/2019 12:40

My MIL can seem a bit of a tough nut HeadintheiClouds, but she has a soft centre where it counts.

Pipandmum · 27/07/2019 12:45

When I went to uni my parents moved and I only lived in their new house for a few months. But as soon as I moved out they turned ‘my’ room into a study. So when I came home I slept in the guest bedroom. I always felt like it wasn’t my home and I didn’t have a place there, even though it was never my home bar those few initial months, but it was where my parents lived.

CarolDanvers · 27/07/2019 12:48

There are some awful parents on MN and yet you're probably clapping yourselves on the back at what a good job you've done teaching your children independence/to stand on their own two feet etc. It's not just a MN thing. My own parents were like this. Couldn't wait to get rid of us. Resented any input once we turned about 15. As a result I can't stand them now and we are NC. Some of your kids are going to really dislike you when they got older and the FOG lifts and you'll deserve it.

MachineBee · 27/07/2019 14:46

I said nothing about kicking out DCs when they went to Uni and did say that there would always be a roof over their heads if they needed it.

My DCs are fine that bedrooms were reallocated for other uses after they went to uni. When they came for holidays or after uni, they still used their old rooms. But we talked about arrangements, they didn’t just assume they had an automatic right to have their rooms left vacant and unused by friends and family when they weren’t there.

I’ve moved three times since they went to uni - once to stay at my dad’s when I was between house sales/purchase- my DCs have coped just fine and enjoy having me stay with them sometimes too. The room I use at their homes isn’t exclusively mine either - they sometimes have friends and other family stay there too!

daisypond · 27/07/2019 14:50

I assume mine are going to move back in after university- as I live in London and it’s a good base. But mine never had a bedroom to themselves at home. All three have shared one room all their lives.

MachineBee · 27/07/2019 15:12

But why assume? They may be insulted that you think they can’t handle independence.

Why not talk to them about their plans? No surprises, upset or shock - for either side. It’s the assumptions and sense of entitlement I find irritating.

daisypond · 27/07/2019 15:20

Perhaps I do assume they will move back in. There isn’t much space but they’re used to sharing with their siblings. They will pay rent, so it’s fair enough.

MachineBee · 27/07/2019 16:27

I’d still talk to your DCs about their plans - assuming things, sets you up for disappointment and could cause hurt on all sides. They may see it as you still deciding things for them. Like you did when they were 6!

Pinkprincess1978 · 27/07/2019 16:38

I think my brother had moved into my room
on my first night at uni. Anything personal I left at home went in the attic and I slept on the sofa bad in the computer room (brothers former bedroom) in the holidays.

thirdfiddle · 27/07/2019 17:10

Can I just say again that the room does not drive the relationship. I didn't have a room at all some of the time I was at uni, with my full agreement and discussion beforehand; there was never any question I wouldn't have somewhere to stay if I needed it, I didn't need a room sitting empty to reassure me of that because we are a family and we knew each other.
If you have a poor relationship with parents then not having a room could be a symptom of their lack of care. With care though, lack of room can just be not wasting space, with the mutual understanding that if you need space it will be made.

limitedperiodonly · 27/07/2019 17:19

they didn’t just assume they had an automatic right to have their rooms left vacant and unused by friends and family when they weren’t there.

Why would any rational human being do that @MachineBee?

Unless your children are the bears in Goldilocks and ask: 'Who's been sleeping in my bed?' every time they come round?

AnotherEmma · 27/07/2019 17:56

"With care though, lack of room can just be not wasting space, with the mutual understanding that if you need space it will be made."

Exactly

Mrskeats · 27/07/2019 18:02

I’m with you caroldanvers
I have no clue why some people have kids; they can’t wait to get rid of them.
Going to uni is not leaving home. You aren’t there all the time are you?

MachineBee · 27/07/2019 18:17

@limitedperiodonly - that seems to be exactly what some PPs are saying I.e. it would distress their DCs to think that ‘their room’ was being used for another purpose or person!

And some parents are saying they assume their DCs will come ‘home’ after Uni. Have they even discussed this properly with each other?

Mrskeats · 27/07/2019 18:24

But most students come home during uni. They break up end of May until middle of September. Where are they supposed to live?

daisypond · 27/07/2019 18:37

I know a few people, even in their 30s and married with children, who still live at “home” with their parents in their big London house. It suits everyone to all live together.

MachineBee · 27/07/2019 18:56

@Mrskeats - I don’t think I or the OP was suggesting their DCs at uni couldn’t come back in the holidays. Only that when the DCs aren’t there their room can be used by others.

And @daisypond - if that arrangement works for them - that’s fine. What I was saying is that it shouldn’t be assumed by either party - a chat about

MachineBee · 27/07/2019 18:58

Oops! Posted too soon.

A chat about each other’s plans and expectations is best. After all, most DCs who go to uni are 18+, legally an adult and should be able to have (and expect) an adult conversation with their parents about practical matters.

Mrskeats · 27/07/2019 19:00

The thread title suggests otherwise machine