Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that once your dcs have left for university that they have effectively 'left'?

254 replies

IveToldYouTwice · 26/07/2019 16:53

Have name changed as dd is a spy when it comes to mumsnet. I know times are different now but I left home when I was around 17. Never went back but obviously went to visit every now and then but stopped having a room at home.

Dd went to university last year. This year, her second year, she has rented a house for 12 months with her friends so effectively she will be living there. She also has a job in the city where she's at university. I still have other dcs at home. Her university is in a different city to where we live, around 2 hours away.

Her room is not being used for the majority of the year now so I want to redecorate it and use it for guests as we often have people visiting (family/friends) and our house is tiny and this is now the only spare room. This has been met with wails of horror about how I'm kicking her out and how she doesn't have a 'home' any more. She does, of course, but her room will now become the guest room and she's welcome to come and stay whenever she likes.

Neither exh nor dp think I am being harsh as we had exactly the same arrangement with our parents (exh did come back a lot more often but dp left home and started working when he was 18).

So AIBU?

OP posts:
edgeofheaven · 26/07/2019 17:09

My DPs have moved twice since I left home but always kept rooms for DB and I. Same with PILs. Maybe this is a cultural thing but your DCs should feel they have a place with you even after turning 18. Unless you literally have no space to keep spare at all in which case you can still keep one picture or element of you me DCs decor.

candycane222 · 26/07/2019 17:10

YANBU to want to put a different (bigger?) bed in there, but to fully erase her decor etc too without consulting her might feel a bit rejecting. Hopefully there is a compromise somewhere between eternally preserving the shrine to Barbie, Zac Ephron & the netball team, and completely erasing her presence and her feeling of unconditional safety. Why not try just talking to her gently about your needs here, and listening to hers?

FckIt · 26/07/2019 17:11

I'm going against the grain here and saying YANBU.

She's not there majority of the time; makes sense for you to have a guest room in which she can come and stay.

When I went off to uni, I ended up staying in the city and rented with friends. I never came home and my mum turned my bedroom into her office for her business. Never bothered me.

GotToGoMyOwnWay · 26/07/2019 17:11

My room was my room till my parents sold about 3/4 years ago & im in my 50’s!

Your poor dd. You obviously don’t care about her feelings a great deal, I’m not surprised she’s so upset.

Things are so different now to when we were young.

YABVU

Deadlysinner · 26/07/2019 17:12

I moved home for 7 years after uni to save up a deposit. Rent was just too expensive.

My parents also moved house while I was at uni and I was in bits because they were moving out of my childhood home. My brother got the larger room as I was at uni but never moved back due to being married at a very young age. I was given the option to move into his room but by then was attached to "my" new room.

Kids, even uni age, form emotional attachments to home as it's a safe place while going through lots of change. She'll get over it eventually but it will be difficult.

coconuttelegraph · 26/07/2019 17:12

In my family experience and with friends i know well the child hasn't left home until they've actually left and bedrooms are not repurposed

woodhill · 26/07/2019 17:12

My ds is home after3 years' at uni. It's not much fun as he does very little and is trying to find a job.

Realistically he will be here for the forseeable future. It's hard as we got used to an empty nest.

I understand you wanting to redecorate room etc

mumwon · 26/07/2019 17:13

until dc has a permanent job & housing (whether rental or purchased) they may need to come home - many jobs (if they are lucky enough to get One!) are temporary &/or low paid & dc will feel insecure enough with the stress of that without feeling that her home/room isn't there for her. there is nothing wrong about using it for guests while she isn't there but it does need to be done sensitively

IsobelRae23 · 26/07/2019 17:13

Ds has just finished his 1st year at uni, and still has a bedroom at mine and his dads, and will do until the day he officially moves out. Which being honest the way house prices are going could be in the distance, a very long distance.....

Original poster
IveToldYouTwice · 26/07/2019 17:14

thanks all, yes maybe the answer is that she consults on the decor

i wasn't planning on getting rid of the things she wants to keep - but there are drawers full of tat that she doesn't use any more. I was planning on clearing those so we had some space for clothes. My family lives abroad so does visit and beforehand, they had been staying on the couch which in a small house was a mare.

OP posts:
Sgtmajormummy · 26/07/2019 17:15

The decider is: where is she registered to vote/ her GP?

DC1 is away for both of those, bedroom is used by DC2 as a music/study room and is available for DC1 to sleep in whenever necessary.

ColaFreezePop · 26/07/2019 17:15

YABU until she finishes her degree your house is her home.

Only if she doesn't come back after finishing her degree and you get her agreement then you can treat her room like a guest room.

In my case when I went to university I made an agreement with my mother that my room could be used for guests, however my stuff would not be touched. That meant when I went to uni I ensured there was enough space e.g. some draws and tops of furniture for a guest to put their belongings.

BackforGood · 26/07/2019 17:16

YABU in your title.
Of course they haven't 'left'.

However

YANBU in wanting to redecorate and make it into more of a neutral /guest room in the circumstances you have gradually dripped in since your OP. That is entirely sensible.
I redecorated ds's room when he was away at University.

Dillydallyingthrough · 26/07/2019 17:16

YANBU - When I left for uni my sister moved into my room (bigger, brighter). I still viewed it as my home. But by today's standards my DP were unreasonable as they had children that they expected to share rooms!!

I moved back for 6 months at the end of uni as I still viewed as it was my home.

Sgtmajormummy · 26/07/2019 17:17

DC1 has two small drawers of clothes and well-labelled boxes of “stuff”.

Xmasbaby11 · 26/07/2019 17:18

I would just put a new bed in and ask her to clear out a couple of drawers. I'd still call it her room but yes of course guests should be able to use it.

ColaFreezePop · 26/07/2019 17:18

The decider is: where is she registered to vote/ her GP?

I was registered to vote in both my university town and mother's house. My nephews and nieces - some have left in the last 5 years, one of whom is still at university and a few others are likely to follow - were/are registered to vote in two places.

I was registered with a GP at my university town and used my home GP as an emergency. Similar with my nephews and nieces.

When I was sorting out my credit record after I left uni my home address was more relevant than my uni addresses.

MamaFlintstone · 26/07/2019 17:19

I moved back to my parents house for 6 months periods twice after university but not back to “my” room, to a different room as mine had been turned into cold storage for root vegetables Confused when I left.

RollaCola84 · 26/07/2019 17:19

I'd have been most upset if my parents had done this but my childhood bedroom still looks largely the same as when it was last decorated when I was about 17 and is still referred to as Rolla's room.

I think these days it's wrong to assume a child has left because they've gone to university, many come back for lots of reasons for a period of time after graduating. I went back for four years until I bought myself and I'm not unusual amongst my friends in having done that.

HeadintheiClouds · 26/07/2019 17:21

Yes, yabu. Why can’t occasional visitors just use the room when she’s not there instead of ditching her stuff and rebranding it the Visitor Suite?
She must feel really unwelcome in her own home now.

Ofpalestsilver · 26/07/2019 17:21

I can understand why she feels really attached to the home. I felt for many years that my parents home was still mine because my life was otherwise transient. But YANBU. Your home is still your daughter's home and even though she is finding this difficult, it will just be a case of reassuring her and making her feel like she always has a home with you. Which she does. But also, you need to use the room for two purposes and things changing is just part of growing up

CMOTDibbler · 26/07/2019 17:21

YANBU - she lives, studies and works in another place now, and comes to visit you occasionally. Your other visitors shouldn't have to sleep on the couch when there is an empty bed/room 45 weeks a year. Its not like you are telling her to never darken your door again!

Boulezvous · 26/07/2019 17:21

I am in my 50s and I and all my sisters came back to our parents house in London after university for a while. And for varying reasons we came back for periods into our mid 20s till we could afford to permanently move out. But it always felt like we could go back if ever we needed to.

Whilst they are at uni I think I'd largely keep their rooms the same but I think changing the bed is fine. I will miss my DC terribly so I'd never do anything to discourage them from coming home or feeling it to be their home. I'd always want them to know they are welcome here after university. I can imagine my DD would be really cross if I changed her room - I wouldn't do it.

optimisticpessimist01 · 26/07/2019 17:22

YABU, I moved away for uni but my home and my bedroom were still mine. It's temporary moving from house to house for 10 months at a time and nowhere ever felt like home, I would've been devastated if my mum did that to me. Plus I moved back in for 2 years after uni to save for my mortgage, so I would've been staying for 2 years in a room that wasn't mine

LittleCandle · 26/07/2019 17:22

DD2 still talks about coming home for a visit, but she will never live with us again and I wouldn't want her to. DD1 doesn't call my house home, but she never lived here, which is the difference. I did live with my DM for the first 2 years of my marriage, as we saved for a house of our own, but it was a big house and we lived fairly separate lives a lot of the time. I wouldn't have lived with her permanently and I certainly don't want my adult DC back living with me!