to think that once your dcs have left for university that they have effectively 'left'?

[IveToldYouTwice]

Have name changed as dd is a spy when it comes to mumsnet. I know times are different now but I left home when I was around 17. Never went back but obviously went to visit every now and then but stopped having a room at home.

Dd went to university last year. This year, her second year, she has rented a house for 12 months with her friends so effectively she will be living there. She also has a job in the city where she's at university. I still have other dcs at home. Her university is in a different city to where we live, around 2 hours away.

Her room is not being used for the majority of the year now so I want to redecorate it and use it for guests as we often have people visiting (family/friends) and our house is tiny and this is now the only spare room. This has been met with wails of horror about how I'm kicking her out and how she doesn't have a 'home' any more. She does, of course, but her room will now become the guest room and she's welcome to come and stay whenever she likes.

Neither exh nor dp think I am being harsh as we had exactly the same arrangement with our parents (exh did come back a lot more often but dp left home and started working when he was 18).

So AIBU?

I doubt this is so much about guests using your dd’s room, as the implication that hers is now the guest room and she isn’t welcome back except as a guest.

Although I was lucky enough to leave university with a job to go to, it turned out to be a nightmare (unsafe conditions as well as the job and remuneration completely misrepresented at interview). I am so grateful that my parents unhesitatingly said “come home!” I did, for a few months, interning and working part time until I got another full time role and moved back out.

I think that 19 (or even 21 as I was) is young to be without a safety net, even if she doesn’t need it, if that makes sense. I realise that young people do find themselves in this situation and cope and that is admirable - but sad.

@JemimaPuddlePeacock that very much depends on where you went to university. I suspect I went to the same uni as @marvik's DD (or the Other Place !). Terms are short, you pay for term only and there is clear expectation that you are not there during the vac. There aren't many jobs there either of the dream or any old job variety so graduates almost exclusively move on. For many that's London but it depends what you want to do. I grew up in the suburbs of a good sized city with plenty of "graduate / professional" type jobs. I still live and work there 15 years later.

I'd have been devastated if my parents had expected me to go off and rent a flat share rather than staying at home saving to buy my own place.

But I speak to my parents most days, see them weekly and am going on holiday with just them later this year. Maybe we have a different relationship than many here.

YANBU DS1 is away at Uni and, because of financial reasons, we redecorated his room and rent it to foreign students.

When he comes home in the holidays he uses another bedroom. He copes, he is 20 years old and an adult.

If he has to come and lives at home after he graduates we would think differently and move him back into his old, but now sparkly new, bedroom.

You are in charge, your daughter isn't 10,

You are effectively kicking her out. She needs to know her bedroom is still there for her. That is her room as she wants it, not a refurbished room for your guests.

My dad changed my bedroom into a study when I left home, and I felt well kicked out. Yes, I could stay in the guest room when I was ‘welcomed’ back, but I was obviously not meant to be there.

I don't think I'd fully unpacked at University before my mum turned my room into a art studio.

Dh's parents on the other hand...well we've been living together for nearly 20 years and his bedroom still has his train tracks in it.

I must admit I felt a bit "meh" the first christmas in a single bed in the box room as all other rooms were taken but on the list of annoying frustrating rubbish my mum has done, it's pretty low down.

@Feawen I think this is the difference. I would never want to feel like a guest in what I still consider my home. Once every few months my dad tells me that I don't have to knock (I knock then open the door with my key) as it my home too.

YANBU. She's just growing up and realising that she has to stand on her own two feet and not have a bolthole to return to that is exclusively her own.

Home is where your family and others you love are, not what colour your room is.

It’s also what you make of it :) I was in halls for three years solid during undergrad and I very much felt it was home, it WAS my home. Once I moved out of the home I grew up in that wasn’t mine anymore. I loved the sense of independence!

Sounds a waste of money to rent a place when you could start saving your first salaries - simply giving the option to chose a bedsit or very cheap house share where they only need to sleep 2 or 3 nights a week and go home at the weekend.

I find it very sad you see being self sufficient, paying rent and bills, living independently as a waste of money. That experience is such a key part of adulthood and maturity, and is near invaluable imo. Sure, it cost me money to rent a place after uni. But it it was money well spent. I think it’s made me a more resilient and independent adult having supported myself rather than being reliant on parents, though not everyone values that as much as I do admittedly.

Many parents would KILL to be in your position. It's lovely it's still her home in her mind.

I agree that redesigning the room together would be a nice thing. I'm sure she fancies something a bit more grown up too!

You are not BU to ask that she has a good clear out next time she is home though, we should all do that frequently!

Interesting thread. While I was at uni my DM moved twice (we had a very insecure unit) and in neither of those places did I have more than a sofa to go back to when needed. In fact, before going to uni I had to share a bedroom with my brother (although he wasn't there much in that year before I left for uni). After graduation I descended into years of mental illness and very transient accommodation situations, and until reading your thread today I don't recall ever really understanding the impact having no family home to depend on had upon my emotional health. (Living with DF was never an option.) That was very early 1990s - things are much more difficult for lots of students now, especially if you're not from a particularly wealthy, privileged or well-connected background.

So I'd say make certain you consult DD on any changes, listen to her wishes and try to respect them. You just can't predict how things will go for young adult children and it's wise to offer them whatever reassurance you can for as long as you can. Once she has found her feet in her own right, further down the line, of course you can reclaim space for your own purposes. But in the meantime I would assume that she's experimenting with independence knowing very well that there's a safety net of warm familiarity beneath her. Take that away and things could feel very insecure for her, particularly if she has ever struggled mentally or emotionally or had to cope with big changes during her formative years (like your divorce and remarriage - those upheavals go deep for children and young people).

Nobody instantly transforms into a fully developed adult on their 18th birthday. They're still kids, and need varying levels of support and security. It's not that long since we didn't consider people adults until they were 21.

If she fell into the category of people who felt they had fully left home the moment they started uni, then she wouldn't have been distressed and would have been happy with your idea.

Clearly she doesn't, in which case she didn't leave, you're choosing to kick her out before she's ready. And that's a shitty thing to do.

The idea put forward by several posters that a child is residing in somebody else's house rather than their own home is pretty distasteful. Horrible.

Gracious. My eldest is 26 and owns her house with her fiancé. She still has her room at home and will have as long as she wants it. They’re here frequently so it gets used a reasonable amount and provides the security of knowing that whatever were to happen, she would always have a home she/they could return to.
Our son has a flat but is deployed with armed forces at the moment. He’d be very upset if we ‘got rid’ of his bedroom. Sometimes he just wants a bit of cosseting when he’s back. He and his girlfriend are here regularly so he needs a room still. Occasionally his girlfriend has used it when he’s been away so she can revise for exams without pressure to socialise from their friends.
The youngest is still at university. It is her home.

YANBU

My parents did this. She still has a bed if needed, but you are not required to keep the room forever in state as a shrine to her childhood.

Frankly I’m appalled. I went to uni for 3 yrs then lived and worked in my uni city for a further three years but after that I had no flat mates left to live with in my uni city and so I had no choice but to move home. Luckily my parents didn’t kick me out and allowed me to move back in while I got sorted, did a second degree to get me into the career I wanted and supported me until such time as I could afford to rent my own place. My mum only changed the room after I moved out this time as I am (hopefully) not going to need to move back again. (Though if prices keep going up and wages don’t I might need to move back yet!)

My parents did the same, I knew I was always welcome and I did in fact go back to live for a bit after university, but I never begrudged them using the room whilst I was away. I took a lot of my stuff with me, and the stuff I had at theirs they said I could either pack and store safely or keep out in the room, so I did a bit of both. As long as you make it clear that she is still welcome anytime, I mean where do you draw the line otherwise.

YA absolutely NBU. I have done 20 + years as a SAHM, so have served my time. If mine threaten to come 'home' once they have all gone to university, I'll be leaving home myself.

Obviously they'll always be welcome in their own home. But I am definitely encouraging them to fly the nest (roots and wings, etc). Maybe I'd feel a bit different if I had enough space for them to keep their bedrooms as eternal 'just in case' places. But the house is tiny, so everyone has to be pragmatic about it.

It depends whether they are ready or not. My daughter went to uni and we rented her a flat for the duration and when she graduated she moved away for work. After a couple of years she bought her own place.

Mamimhere My mum did this. I felt totally rejected and never forgave her. It caused such a bad feeling between us that our relationship never recovered and we now don't have contact

Interminable After graduation I descended into years of mental illness and very transient accommodation situations, and until reading your thread today I don't recall ever really understanding the impact having no family home to depend on had upon my emotional health. (Living with DF was never an option.)

Yes, you do sort of forget about it and then suddenly something will hit a trigger and you will remember how insecure and without any back up you felt. I was at the gym and overheard a man talking about driving down with birthday presents to his daughter at uni, and I got a bit of a pang when I realised that had never happened to me.

Obviously, you do just get on with it and it makes you very independent, but it is really scary to face living alone at the age of 18 or 19. I too had only intermittent contact with my parents after they effectively kicked me out. They both ended up in hospital and I didn't visit my father and only visited my mother a few times before they died. I know my aunt thought that was appalling, but I don't think she realised that moving away from homes in your late teens and being totally independent uses up so much energy, you don't have time for much else.

I am the poster whose father wanted her to pay digs money when she visited at Christmas from uni, aged 20 and in full time education away from home. And then I later realised that both he and my mother had stayed at home until they were mid twenties themselves!

Anyway, OP, you are only redecorating a room so your daughter won't feel like that!

RollaCola84 I had to pay extra to stay there during holidays, such as summer and Christmas, but it was affordable as I worked throughout my degree as well as studying.

I do think people have different relationships with their parents, it seems very extreme to me that you’d have felt devastated if they’d expected you not to move back into their place after uni while saving, I have/had a great relationship with them (one is now deceased) but I didn’t ‘expect’ anything in terms of practical or financial support from them once I had left home. I saw it as they’d done their job raising me relished now being an adult, I really valued that independence and saw it as something to take pride in and embrace. There weren’t many jobs around my uni either but I knew that ahead of time and so applied for jobs wherever there were jobs, interview in a few different cities and by the time I was finished I had one lined up ready to begin.

I was pleased for them living their own lives alone or with new partners and felt it was unfair to expect them to host me as a twenty something year old so wouldn’t have dreamt of asking.

Adults seem to be delaying independence until later and later in life, failure to launch syndrome. I’ve always lived independently since leaving for university, it took me until thirty to save up enough for my own property, but I wouldn’t have swapped those years of living on my own, in shares, etc. for anything.

YANBU. I left for uni and my folks promptly sold the house and moved.

I did not find it unsettling, nor did I feel unwelcome. I still called the new house "home" in conversations. I just didn't have my own bedroom, because I had a bedroom somewhere else.

Decorate away, I say.

My goodness what a lot of precious snowflakes are out there! Devastated, distraught, abandoned!

At 18 you are legally an adult. Most 18 year olds fully embrace the benefits of being a legal adult. But they also have to accept the responsibilities that come with reaching the age of majority.

Expecting your old room to be kept exclusively for you regardless of what you choose to do with your life displays an enormous sense of entitlement. It’s a room in your parents’ house. It’s up to them what they do with it when you leave.

I’m pretty sure OP or others saying she is NBU are not suggesting that they would not provide a roof over their heads if required, or welcome them back to stay and/or visit, but by carrying on as if they are still dependent children well into their twenties is ridiculous.

We hand far too much power to DCs these days. Teaching them the universe doesn’t revolve around them, and how to stand on their own two feet is good parenting.

My parents upped and left me alone in the family house when I was 17..... does that count ? I looked after it, and the cat, and hated it when they returned for their 4 months a year. I didn't ever consider renting out their room though .

From the perspective of a student whose parents are doing the same...

My parents turned my room into a guest room. I don't feel as welcome any more or that this is my family home. I feel like a guest who has to visit when it is convenient for my parents. If someone else is visiting at the same time, I am on the sofa and feel humiliated (it may seem extreme but this is honestly how I feel). I was really bitter at first as my siblings kept their rooms. Now I just never go home. It hurts not to feel welcome. I really recommend you don't do it. The room can still be used for guests but it is her room with her things, you don't have to redecorate and make her feel out of place.

My Dc will always have a home with us should they need it. You can however decorate your home how you like. Maybe as a compromise ask her what colour scheme she’d like and accommodate both of your wants in the room