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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that once your dcs have left for university that they have effectively 'left'?

254 replies

IveToldYouTwice · 26/07/2019 16:53

Have name changed as dd is a spy when it comes to mumsnet. I know times are different now but I left home when I was around 17. Never went back but obviously went to visit every now and then but stopped having a room at home.

Dd went to university last year. This year, her second year, she has rented a house for 12 months with her friends so effectively she will be living there. She also has a job in the city where she's at university. I still have other dcs at home. Her university is in a different city to where we live, around 2 hours away.

Her room is not being used for the majority of the year now so I want to redecorate it and use it for guests as we often have people visiting (family/friends) and our house is tiny and this is now the only spare room. This has been met with wails of horror about how I'm kicking her out and how she doesn't have a 'home' any more. She does, of course, but her room will now become the guest room and she's welcome to come and stay whenever she likes.

Neither exh nor dp think I am being harsh as we had exactly the same arrangement with our parents (exh did come back a lot more often but dp left home and started working when he was 18).

So AIBU?

OP posts:
edwinbear · 26/07/2019 17:22

YADNBU my DM did exactly this when I went to uni. I was always welcome and DM made it clear there was always a roof over my head available at home, but 'my room' would be used a guest room. This seemed perfectly rationale to me.

applepieicecream · 26/07/2019 17:23

YABU she’s a student, she hasn’t started her adult life. I’m expecting mine to move home for at least a couple of years after university until they find their feet and save some money

Babdoc · 26/07/2019 17:24

DC are not really quite fully adult as uni students, in my view. They like the comfort blanket of knowing their old childhood room is still there, that the security of home still exists, even if it’s mainly theoretical except for a few weeks a year!
OP, I’d wait til she’s finished uni before drastically altering the decor and repurposing it as a guest bedroom. You can still put visitors in there meanwhile - just clear a couple of drawers and some wardrobe space for them. That’s better than making your DD feel she’s been turfed our permanently, or you can’t wait to get rid of her.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 26/07/2019 17:25

@Lazypuppy

Yep. Both me and my brother. Got ourselves established in our careers, paid rent, took on our fair share of household shit and saved up deposits for our own places.

We also went on holiday with our parents.... last year 😱

WhatTheAbsoluteFuck · 26/07/2019 17:25

YABU.

She’ll likely have to move home after Uni. Rents are soaring. Wages are not.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/07/2019 17:25

She's got two more years at Uni.. and then will no longer be a student, or have a student loan. She will be job hunting and will probably want to do that from home. Just putting in a better bed and decluttering is probably fine, but clearing out stuff she still wants but doesn't have room for in her student rooms is not OK without giving her a chance to keep or store some things. She may not come home, but she probably still wants to know she has a place in your home and is not just a temporary guest in the guest room. Or she may be absolutely fine with it.. I guess you have to talk it through with her and come to an arrangement. Maybe the transformation could be gradual?

Aragog · 26/07/2019 17:25

She does consider my house home though

Hence why she feels she's losing her home by turning her room into a spare room.

I think it's probably more the way you've put it that is the issue. Maybe still call it her room, but you're going to give it a freshen up and paint, and new bed. And that you'd assume she'd not mind if visitors sometimes sleep in her room if she's not around - but that, as its still her room for now she'd always get priority if visiting at the same time.

Although what you call it tat she no longer uses - it is still ultimately her stuff, so she needs to be the one who decided whether it should be thrown out. Could you compromise and have some of this stuff in a labelled box in the room, with a drawer cleared out for others to use if they stay?

Derbee · 26/07/2019 17:27

YABU.

The set up should be that guests are welcome to stay in her room. Not that she stays in the guest room when she is back home. There’s a subtle difference, but makes a big difference emotionally

christinarossetti19 · 26/07/2019 17:27

I think the key here is to involve her. Yes, of course it's your house and you can decorate her bedroom, but if it's still at least in part her room, you can consult her on the decor.

Ditto, her tat that she no longer needs/uses. Ask her to go through it. Bin/charity shop/take with her/put in the loft or cupboard as appropriate, with areas that are 'hers' eg part of the wardrobe/a couple of drawers. But with enough space for guests if that's important to you.

It's not just the physical space for 7 weeks of the year, it's the psychological attachment, which it sounds like is very important to her.

PixieLumos · 26/07/2019 17:27

YABU. A student house is not ‘home’. And when she has finished university, like many other students these days, she may need to move back home again for a while before she finds a job that pays enough for her to live independently.

justasking111 · 26/07/2019 17:30

We did redecorate, tidied away teenage stuff into boxes and put in loft. They already had double beds. This was with the agreement of the two uni. sons. They knew their stuff was in the loft if they wanted it. When they bought their own homes we gave them all the boxes their partners went through them and binned most of it Grin You need a spare room so a clear out tidy up, decorating is needed.

FamilyOfAliens · 26/07/2019 17:30

What was her response when you told her of your plans, OP?

IrmaFayLear · 26/07/2019 17:32

It all sounds a bit clinical.

Dh had his room whisked away the second he'd left for university. It was thereafter very much his parents' house, not his home. He always said when he would visit, he never just "landed" or walked in the door and sat down.

I don't know what ds will end up doing after university, but at the moment he is very much up in his bedroom, surrounded by cuddly toys, piles of Lego and he even has a Spiderman duvet set! (He is 21 next week !! Grin )

Knittedjimmychoos · 26/07/2019 17:33

I think it's harsh, it sounds final to her this is it... There will not be lines drawn or this is it with my own, they will go out when ready can always return as they need.

Maybe re structure this into her helping choose more adult theme for HER room...

jennymanara · 26/07/2019 17:33

OP you will get a mixture of answers here. There are MNers who think it is reasonable that even though they are married with kids of their own, that their parents keep "their" bedroom unchanged and available for them. Personally I think that is weird.
My advice is just to talk to your DC, say you were thinking of redecorating the room and turning it into a more generic guest room, and ask what they think.

Jaxhog · 26/07/2019 17:34

Your home is her home until she gets a permanent home. University digs/hall/flats are not home. My parents didn't redecorate my room until after I left Uni. and went to live with my boyfriend. I used to go home some weekends as well as hols. Guests stayed there, and they put an extra bed in, but it was still 'my' room.

IHateUncleJamie · 26/07/2019 17:34

YANBU to want to put a different (bigger?) bed in there, but to fully erase her decor etc too without consulting her might feel a bit rejecting. Hopefully there is a compromise somewhere between eternally preserving the shrine to Barbie, Zac Ephron & the netball team, and completely erasing her presence and her feeling of unconditional safety. Why not try just talking to her gently about your needs here, and listening to hers?

^^This. I understand wanting to use her room for other people when she’s not using it, but until she leaves uni, it really should remain “her” room, @IveToldYouTwice.

We redecorated dd19’s room and put in a double bed FOR her when she was 18. She chose everything, even though she’s now at uni. My DB and SIL use the room when they come to stay but I always run it by dd and she never minds. She’d loathe it if I redecorated and got rid of all her “tat” though!

Can you not put a double bed in there and box up some of the “tat” for her to look through, without completely redecorating and taking away her identity and space?

jennymanara · 26/07/2019 17:35

Because every adult child will see it different. My student home was home, and no way was I ever going back to live with my parents. I actually did when I would otherwise have been street homeless, but it was a necessity, not a choice.

PCohle · 26/07/2019 17:36

YABU - times have changed, and frankly even if they hadn't, your DD has let you know that she is upset. Why make your child feel like she is less welcome in your home for the sake of decor for guests? No one is expecting you to keep her room as a shrine for decades but whilst she's at uni / starting out I think it's reasonable to expect her to treat your house as "home".

SlatternIsTrying · 26/07/2019 17:36

I still have my room at home and I’m in my 40’s.

Over the years different guests have stayed in it which I haven’t minded in the slightest.

IrmaFayLear · 26/07/2019 17:36

we gave them all the boxes their partners went through them and binned most of it grin

No way !!!! Even if the partners don't want Jumbo the Elephant or 20 cartons of Lego, think of the future grandchildren !! Plus your dcs will be spending £££££ on ebay in a few years' time trying to recreate their Thunderbirds collection...

brassbrass · 26/07/2019 17:38

YABU why are you prioritising visitors over your own daughter? You're effectively telling her she's not welcome. Surely all visitors need is a bed? Why get rid of her stuff.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/07/2019 17:38

YABU.
I left home after university as well, but the economic climate was very different back then (30 years ago) - rent was much cheaper, jobs were easier to find, zero hours contracts weren't a thing and we had grants, not loans.
These days the financial pressures on students generally are much higher - no guarantee of a job that pays a living wage etc. etc.
Also she's right - you ARE effectively "kicking her out" because you are removing her safe space.
What if she needs to come home but you are having guests? Will you tell her she can't because your guests have priority? Because if I were her, I'd be worried you would.

Try to reach a compromise with her - let it still be her room, but see if you can agree on a redecoration theme and the new bed.

SalveRuRu · 26/07/2019 17:39

That's harsh . Your dd will know where your priorities lie Sad.

TheFirstOHN · 26/07/2019 17:39

DS1 has just finished his first year. During that year, he has spent more weeks living at home than he did living at university.

I think the second year will feel more like he is actually moving out; the accommodation contract is longer (and his girlfriend will be living in his university city).

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