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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really cross at DM and think WTH

177 replies

Donotpaintitgrey · 26/07/2019 00:15

I don’t really know whether to be annoyed at this or not, I sort of am but am also knackered so could be clouding my judgment. DF and DC have big birthday few days apart. DD not doing anything originally as DM working on the Sunday so arrange party for DC on the Sat, all good.

Couple of weeks ago DM asks what we’re doing on the Monday as she’s thinking of going out for supper for DF’s bday. Yes great obviously we’ll be there. Asks if In-laws will still be around as visiting for DC’s party. My answer no they’ll have gone home they’re just coming for the long weekend.

Last week I asked if she’d consider arranging it as alunch or early around 5pm - just makes it easier with DC and bedtime. He response in hushed tones, well no it has to stay as supper as it’s booked now and there’s quite a lot of people coming as a surprise - originally she’d intimated it was just fam. Pressed her for details this week and she said she’d booked x restaurant for 8:30pm. I was like riiiggghhhhht and what are we supposed to do with DC?!? Response was well won’t DFIL & MIL still be here, well a) no as I told you two weeks ago they wouldn’t and b) was she expecting us to come and and in-laws to sit - bearing in mind DH have been together for years and for much of that we’ve all spent Xmas and Easters together as a family - it would be very odd/off for us to go out with my fam and leave them at home?!? I was a bit taken back and didn’t really know what to think (I honestly think she may have forgotten we have a child). I think she expected us to be coming but not with DC or she had forgotten we have a baby as she seemed very taken aback when I said I didn’t think we’d be able to come?!? I don’t really know what to do she knows full well we don’t have anyone who could babysit especially not who we’d feel comfortable leaving DC with yet. But I know my Dad’s going to wonder what hell is going on when we don’t turn up to his birthday dinner and he then finds out it was arranged at a time we’d never be able to make. I know he’ll wonder and I don’t want him to think we’ve just ducked out.

What do I do. AIBU to be really bloody cross with DM. She does have a bit of form for this and although she is obsessed with DC doesn’t seem to make the connection that I’m their parent, will ask me why I’m doing this/aren’t doing that and I have to remind her it’s because I have a baby to look after?!?

OP posts:
Bringmewineandcake · 26/07/2019 00:22

How many dc do you have and what are their ages? It wasn’t clear from your post as you mentioned a baby and also DC’s birthday party.

CalmdownJanet · 26/07/2019 00:22

Just go on your own surely? You don't plan an adult meal around a child, especially when it's not your own child, irrespective of it being a grandchild, it's an adult night out. Yabu to be annoyed, it's not a big deal unless you make it one

QOD · 26/07/2019 00:23

How olds your child ?

SummerInSun · 26/07/2019 00:28

Agree with the questions above, but generally I'd say in this situation if there is really no one else who can babysit (won't DC be asleep by 8:30pm? What about getting a sitter from an agency like sitters.co.uk where all sitters are DBS checked?), you attend and your husband says at home with DC. Of course pre kids you wouldn't have spilt family occasions in this way, but you have to be more flexible once if you have young DC.

GrapefruitIsGross · 26/07/2019 00:40

The later time probably suits more people. Not many adults would like to sit down to a slap up dinner at 5 in the afternoon, so your dm is probably trying to accommodate as many people as possible.

You could still organise to see your dad seperately to celebrate- a restaurant with a young baby could be hellish anyway. Best to organise a informal family lunch or trip to the zoo or something instead.

Oysterbabe · 26/07/2019 00:59

You go and leave the children with their father.

LillithsFamiliar · 26/07/2019 01:05

It wouldn't be odd at all to ask your ILs to babysit so you and your DH could attend your DF's birthday meal.
It's also not odd for your DM to assume you could take DCs to a celebration for a special birthday even if it is late.
It sounds as though you expected everything to be arranged around your DC. That's rather presumptuous.

LittleBearPad · 26/07/2019 01:07

You go and leave the children with their father

This

ChristOnAScooter · 26/07/2019 01:11

What a total overreaction. Its the Summer, its your DF Birthday, why should all the arrangements pander around you?

Mammyloveswine · 26/07/2019 01:12

I'm confused.. you say your child and father have a big birthday days apart? Then talk about a baby? And discuss the in laws?

Can you bullet point the issues?

From what I gather your dads big birthday is coming up and your mam is organising a surprise dinner.

In-laws are up for your daughters first (?) birthday the weekend before.

You decide you can't make dads birthday...but like other posters could you not just go alone??
If baby is younger and you DC is an older child just take baby!

flyingspaghettimonster · 26/07/2019 01:17

Just take whatever kids you have with you. Bedtimes really aren't set in stone and it sounds like animportant birthday for your father. Don't blow things out of proportion

Expressedways · 26/07/2019 01:19

You agreed to supper without a definite time. No one eats supper at 5pm, many restaurants aren’t even open then. Why did you agree to this if you didn’t want to go out for dinner? The in laws thing, they must have forgotten that they were leaving before then, if they were around it would be perfectly normal for them to babysit given circumstances. Just go on your own and leave the children with your husband, it doesn’t need to be a big deal.

Namechangedonceagain · 26/07/2019 01:23

Just take your child? I would. It's a one off special occasion. Your child can sleep in the pram. No big deal at all.

Namechangedonceagain · 26/07/2019 01:24

Or if they aren't pram age then they'll definitely be fine to stay up til what - 9.30? 10 latest? Literally just once?

NorthEndGal · 26/07/2019 01:28

I'd just take the kid(s) with me, it's a one off

IvanaPee · 26/07/2019 01:32

Don’t be so ridiculous!

She forgot in-laws wouldn’t be there. Perfectly reasonable to ask them to babysit if they’d been in your house. It’s weird that you think otherwise.

I’m assuming you have one PFB as generally the parents of one PFB are the ones who expect the word to revolve around their child.

You get a babysitter or you go without dh. That’s literally it. No need for any drama. 🙄🙄🙄

notangelinajolie · 26/07/2019 01:40

Say bye to your parents. Get a babysitter. And go to the party.

Or forget the babysitter and take baby with you. It's your dad's birthday. Go. Seriously, you can't be expecting your parents to arrange this around your baby - or are you? Let me guess PFB?

TwistyTop · 26/07/2019 01:40

Get a babysitter or go on your own.

I'm sorry but you're being a bit of a diva here, other people don't need to arrange their birthday plans around your DC

EugenesAxe · 26/07/2019 01:45

I also found your OP quite confusing. Your point b) - was that saying you, your DH and both sets of parents have always spent major holidays like Christmas/Easter together and it would be weird for you to exclude them from your DFs birthday meal? If so I think that they’d understand this once, even assuming they could extend their stay one night.

I think your DM, while perhaps being a little casual about specifics, is displaying typical behaviour of someone who’s had children and is relaxed, and who’s come up sharp against a child of theirs who to them, is surprisingly highly strung and inflexible about routines.

If you can’t get PILs and won’t entertain the idea of a sitter, I think as others have said, go and leave DH to watch your DC.

BrendasUmbrella · 26/07/2019 01:56

It's better for you to go alone than to not bother. Your baby will be a year old? She'll be fine with her DF.

fargo123 · 26/07/2019 02:00

YABU to expect an adult's birthday celebration (or even just a normal group dinner) to revolve around your child and/or their bedtime.

If you don't have another babysitter outside the family, then the in-law child stays home with the baby and the offspring of the birthday person attends the party.

user1473878824 · 26/07/2019 02:04

Jesus. It’s your father’s birthday and your mother has arranged a lovely dinner for him. Get someone to look after your children and go. Imagine your children got this worked up over a party you’d thrown for their father. If you’re that worried, you’re DP looks after the kids.

user1473878824 · 26/07/2019 02:05

That but without the grammatical errors.

Isatis · 26/07/2019 02:44

I doubt very much that she forgets about your child/children, it's just that it's the norm when you ask adults out for an evening meal to assume they'll sort out babysitting rather than expect the child to go out with them.

1sttimemummyxx · 26/07/2019 03:26

YANBU
I think of course your DM should have had your children in mind when booking the meal.
If we go out for a family meal me / my sister / my mum would all book it for around 6pm so that my nephew (5) wouldn't be getting home too late.
It is U for your DM to think it is acceptable otherwise