Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

To be really cross at DM and think WTH

177 replies

Donotpaintitgrey · 26/07/2019 00:15

I don’t really know whether to be annoyed at this or not, I sort of am but am also knackered so could be clouding my judgment. DF and DC have big birthday few days apart. DD not doing anything originally as DM working on the Sunday so arrange party for DC on the Sat, all good.

Couple of weeks ago DM asks what we’re doing on the Monday as she’s thinking of going out for supper for DF’s bday. Yes great obviously we’ll be there. Asks if In-laws will still be around as visiting for DC’s party. My answer no they’ll have gone home they’re just coming for the long weekend.

Last week I asked if she’d consider arranging it as alunch or early around 5pm - just makes it easier with DC and bedtime. He response in hushed tones, well no it has to stay as supper as it’s booked now and there’s quite a lot of people coming as a surprise - originally she’d intimated it was just fam. Pressed her for details this week and she said she’d booked x restaurant for 8:30pm. I was like riiiggghhhhht and what are we supposed to do with DC?!? Response was well won’t DFIL & MIL still be here, well a) no as I told you two weeks ago they wouldn’t and b) was she expecting us to come and and in-laws to sit - bearing in mind DH have been together for years and for much of that we’ve all spent Xmas and Easters together as a family - it would be very odd/off for us to go out with my fam and leave them at home?!? I was a bit taken back and didn’t really know what to think (I honestly think she may have forgotten we have a child). I think she expected us to be coming but not with DC or she had forgotten we have a baby as she seemed very taken aback when I said I didn’t think we’d be able to come?!? I don’t really know what to do she knows full well we don’t have anyone who could babysit especially not who we’d feel comfortable leaving DC with yet. But I know my Dad’s going to wonder what hell is going on when we don’t turn up to his birthday dinner and he then finds out it was arranged at a time we’d never be able to make. I know he’ll wonder and I don’t want him to think we’ve just ducked out.

What do I do. AIBU to be really bloody cross with DM. She does have a bit of form for this and although she is obsessed with DC doesn’t seem to make the connection that I’m their parent, will ask me why I’m doing this/aren’t doing that and I have to remind her it’s because I have a baby to look after?!?

OP posts:

ShirleyPhallus · 26/07/2019 08:54

The first paragraph of that is very confusing! Too many “dear” relations!

Lonecatwithkitten · 26/07/2019 09:05

I really confused as for me the big birthdays for DC are 18,21 etc. so I thought there were adult DC.

Sunshine93 · 26/07/2019 09:52

Yabu for asking her to make the meal at 5. Sorry but thats just selfish!

You say she has "form" for this do you mean form for being a bit disorganised about plans? It would have been nice of her to tell you with some notice that the meal was at 8.30 so please could you arrange a babysitter for dc. She either handled it badly or deliberately made it difficult for you. From what you have said I think you susoect the latter so yanbu for being annoyed about that.

In these cicumstances I would either arrange a friend to babysit or go without dh. I wouldnt miss it. I would ask my dm to be clearer about plans from now on.

Elmo311 · 26/07/2019 10:27

People who are saying to take the baby along obviously didn't have kids who would have a meltdown at their bedtime if they were still out!
My son goes down at 7pm everyday (he's 14months) if I took him out past 7, he would eventually be so overtired he would be screaming and no one would be having any fun!

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but people don't think that way unfortunately. Either go without DC or make it up to your dad another day.

I think it's being considerate not to take DC out to a meal when it's past their bedtime and you know meltdowns will ensue.

Hidingwhoiam · 26/07/2019 10:29

No one is saying she shod take the baby.

Simply that she is able to go alone. She doesnt have to decline anything her that's not appropriate for her child, because her dp has to be there.

She can go out, alone.

Hidingwhoiam · 26/07/2019 10:31

She’s not expecting the world to revolve around her.

She is. Because she wanted someone else birthday celebration at midday or 5pm. Who dictates what time someone elses party is?

And says she wont go if dp cant.

SinkGirl · 26/07/2019 11:51

Last week I asked if she’d consider arranging it as alunch or early around 5pm

If she would consider a lunch or an early dinner. Asking isn’t dictating.

Hidingwhoiam · 26/07/2019 11:52

If she wouldconsidera lunch or an early dinner. Asking isn’t dictating.

Actually getting all shitty when people dont adhere to your 'request' is trying to dictate.

Asking implies the other person has some choice. Getting upset when you dont get what you want, means the choice wasnt there in the first place.

SinkGirl · 26/07/2019 11:57

I’m not saying she’s behaved perfectly. For me it would go like this:

“Dinner sounds lovely but I don’t have anyone to babysit, any chance of lunch or early dinner?”

“No sorry, lots of people have already RSVPd”

“No problem - I’m sorry I won’t be able to come. We can do something on x day instead? Have a lovely time”

Easy. I have no issue people planning stuff I can’t do, but would be annoyed if they gave me shit for it.

MoreSlidingDoors · 26/07/2019 11:59

Is that as a result of him or you setting routines etc? My DD is 9 now but can still sleep anywhere or stay up till midnight without any stress or bother.

Hidingwhoiam · 26/07/2019 12:00

@SinkGirl who is giving her shit?

Sunburntnoseandears · 26/07/2019 12:01

Dm has arranged it so their friends can go and wasn't bothered if you did /not. So stay home and let her explain to df....

Topsecretidentity · 26/07/2019 12:10

@SinkGirl why can't she go though? Baby can't go, so her husband can't go since they don't want to use a babysitter. The baby doesn't need both parents for childcare.

Topsecretidentity · 26/07/2019 12:11

@Sunburntnoseandears that's just childish and sulking/ punishing her mum for not pandering to her. She doesn't need to stay home, she just needs to accept that this is an adult birthday party so leave baby home with his dad, so she can celebrate with her father.

ysmaem · 26/07/2019 12:24

I think you're overreacting a little bit. I would never expect anyone to change the time of their party to accommodate myself and my kids. Why can't you take your child(ren) with you? Its only for one night. Or if that's not possible why not just go by yourself and leave your kids with your DH? I know it's not the ideal situation but it would be better than sulking and not attending at all.

AE18 · 26/07/2019 12:32

I am a bit confused about why you said you could go to supper and then were surprised she booked it for the evening. That's what supper means! A surprise party involving adults is usually going to be this sort of time, unfortunately, that's when most people can go and they probably want it to be a bit of a party. You have lots of options open to you; as PIL to sit, book a sitter, leave husband and baby at home, all go with baby asleep in pram, don't go at all.

But I think YABU for being offended she booked a supper when you told her you could go for supper 🙄

Roussette · 26/07/2019 12:38

Dm has arranged it so their friends can go and wasn't bothered if you did /not. So stay home and let her explain to df....

So, because the OP won't let her DH babysit, the rest of the family and friends have to eat a meal at 5pm so a baby can go? I'd be right fizzed off if it was my birthday and that happened. The OP can go, she just doesn't want to

BarbedBloom · 26/07/2019 12:43

5pm won't work for any adults who are employed, same with the lunch idea. It has obviously been arranged at that time because it suits majority of attendees or it is the only time the restaurant can fit in that many people. Either go alone or explain you can't attend but will do something another time.

You can't expect people to always arrange things around your children but equally those who don't bear children in mind have to accept others may not be able to come

SparklyMagpie · 26/07/2019 12:55

Tbh I think you were being abit of a CF for saying to arrange it for times that would be better for you.

Would you be alright changing reservations, party times etc if your mum asked especially when everything has been booked ?

SinkGirl · 26/07/2019 12:57

Why? She thought it was family only.

Hidingwhoiam · 26/07/2019 13:28

Why? She thought it was family only.

And, I am sure some family have jobs or it wouldnt suit them at 5pm

Again no one in the family is giving her shit. She said her dad would wonder.

But still there is no reason the child father cant stay home and OP go.

Howdidido · 26/07/2019 13:36

How old are you DC?

Not unreasonable for her to assume PIL would be happy to babysit if it's for a big birthday
Not unreasonable to arrange a surprise dinner for your dad at dinner time.
Your options are

go on your own
take DC with you (it's one night)
get a babysitter.

Your DM sounds in no way U. You sound a bit self- centered in this post. Sorry

YouDoYou18 · 26/07/2019 13:45

We’ve missed many meals because we have a DD who doesn’t cope well when her routine is upset, it’s just the way it is! Sometimes they organise things early so she can be included but it’s not their responsibility and we just don’t feel comfortable using babysitters!

MrHaroldFry · 26/07/2019 14:58

Not at all ideal but you could go alone and DH stay home to care for baby?

Roussette · 26/07/2019 15:18

cancel the cheque!

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8