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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really cross at DM and think WTH

177 replies

Donotpaintitgrey · 26/07/2019 00:15

I don’t really know whether to be annoyed at this or not, I sort of am but am also knackered so could be clouding my judgment. DF and DC have big birthday few days apart. DD not doing anything originally as DM working on the Sunday so arrange party for DC on the Sat, all good.

Couple of weeks ago DM asks what we’re doing on the Monday as she’s thinking of going out for supper for DF’s bday. Yes great obviously we’ll be there. Asks if In-laws will still be around as visiting for DC’s party. My answer no they’ll have gone home they’re just coming for the long weekend.

Last week I asked if she’d consider arranging it as alunch or early around 5pm - just makes it easier with DC and bedtime. He response in hushed tones, well no it has to stay as supper as it’s booked now and there’s quite a lot of people coming as a surprise - originally she’d intimated it was just fam. Pressed her for details this week and she said she’d booked x restaurant for 8:30pm. I was like riiiggghhhhht and what are we supposed to do with DC?!? Response was well won’t DFIL & MIL still be here, well a) no as I told you two weeks ago they wouldn’t and b) was she expecting us to come and and in-laws to sit - bearing in mind DH have been together for years and for much of that we’ve all spent Xmas and Easters together as a family - it would be very odd/off for us to go out with my fam and leave them at home?!? I was a bit taken back and didn’t really know what to think (I honestly think she may have forgotten we have a child). I think she expected us to be coming but not with DC or she had forgotten we have a baby as she seemed very taken aback when I said I didn’t think we’d be able to come?!? I don’t really know what to do she knows full well we don’t have anyone who could babysit especially not who we’d feel comfortable leaving DC with yet. But I know my Dad’s going to wonder what hell is going on when we don’t turn up to his birthday dinner and he then finds out it was arranged at a time we’d never be able to make. I know he’ll wonder and I don’t want him to think we’ve just ducked out.

What do I do. AIBU to be really bloody cross with DM. She does have a bit of form for this and although she is obsessed with DC doesn’t seem to make the connection that I’m their parent, will ask me why I’m doing this/aren’t doing that and I have to remind her it’s because I have a baby to look after?!?

OP posts:
NoSauce · 26/07/2019 15:45

Why do people write way too long a thread with missing information and then disappear?

Elmo311 · 26/07/2019 15:56

@MoreSlidingDoors He's done it himself since 7months, it would be nice if he would sleep when out but we have tried a handful of times and they have always been an absolute nightmare where me and the other half, and our son have no fun 🤪😅 as well as others having to put up with it ha ha

ElizaPancakes · 26/07/2019 16:00

YABU.

ChristOnAScooter · 26/07/2019 16:03

@1sttimemummyxx oh your another PFB Hmm

ChristOnAScooter · 26/07/2019 16:12

@SinkGirl i disagree, she either attends or she does not, simple as that. The world does not revolve around the OP's kids. Kids learn to adapt and fit in with your life, not the other way round. I would never dream of telling my Family who recently organised a big BDY for my Nana, to arrange it around my kids. The occasion is to celebrate her DF big Birthday, not a kids party.

1sttimemummyxx · 26/07/2019 16:17

@ChristOnAScooter what is pfb? Lol

Ginger1982 · 26/07/2019 23:01

@1sttimemummyxx precious firstborn.

There is no answer to this unless the OP confirms how old the kids are 🙄

julensaor · 27/07/2019 01:34

ah Jesus, a whole gathering can not be arranged around you having a toddler or baby. Surely the logical part of you knows this?

1sttimemummyxx · 27/07/2019 01:34

@Ginger1982 thank you!

@ChristOnAScooter erm yes aren't they all?! But that's besides the point.
The OP's DM asked what they were doing on the date - not just herself, and intimated it was just the family going, whilst knowing the IL's weren't around to babysit, so the OP isn't being U at all in expecting the meal to be arranged at a time that suits the family.
Also surely the DF would find it odd if his grandchildren weren't at his bday meal, I know my grandad would

SinkGirl · 27/07/2019 06:02

@SinkGirl i disagree, she either attends or she does not, simple as that. The world does not revolve around the OP's kids. Kids learn to adapt and fit in with your life, not the other way round. I would never dream of telling my Family who recently organised a big BDY for my Nana, to arrange it around my kids. The occasion is to celebrate her DF big Birthday, not a kids party.

Did you read anything I wrote? Seems bizarre to single me out and agree with what I said. No the world doesn’t revolve around her - she thought it was a small family occasion, in which case it makes sense to have it at a time his family can actually attend. She was told it was a bigger event with others invited, but her mother seemed “put out” when she suggested she wouldn’t be able to come.

As I said, it’s fine to arrange things when parents of small kids can’t attend, but you can’t be put out if they then can’t come.

Kids learn to adapt and fit in with your life, not the other way round not at 12 months old, they don’t. And older for some kids - mine are nearly 3, both disabled, and they can’t adapt and fit around my life, I have to fit around theirs. I have no issues if I can’t make something, but on the other hand people have to understand that if they plan something for a time I can’t bring my kids or they don’t want the kids there, I may not be able to attend. I have no problem with that, but clearly in some cases they do (like the childfree wedding I couldn’t attend - I totally get having a childfree wedding, but don’t scream at me if I can’t come to it!)

The occasion is to celebrate her DF big Birthday, not a kids party ridiculous comment, who said it was?

QOD · 27/07/2019 06:17

🙄

floribunda18 · 27/07/2019 06:40

I know it's their birthday, their choice, but in our family my parents or inlaws always arranged family meals so that their three grandchildren could attend when little, as in reality it would have meant that at least one of SIL, DH or me couldn't attend if the kids couldn't go. It's only a few short years that the grandkids struggle with late nights, they are 14, 10 and 9 now and an 8.30 dinner would be fine. If they wanted an all adult get together with their friends they could do that separately. Maybe if I had dozens of grandchildren it would be hard to accommodate them. But I can't imagine in future that I would not want my children's children at a family birthday meal!

Aridane · 27/07/2019 06:57

The world does not revolve around your DCs resting time. YANU

Aridane · 27/07/2019 06:57

Oops, YABU

KatherineJaneway · 27/07/2019 07:01

Surely 5pm on a Monday (that's not a bank holiday) far fewer adults would be able to attend?

Hidingwhoiam · 27/07/2019 07:12

@floribunda18 it's the birthday persons choice. For whatever reason lots of people are coming. Not just family. Nit everyone can do 5pm. So they have probably picked a time that suits most.

You cany ever imagine going to a family party alone? You cant ever imagine a big group of people getting together at a time that's not convenient for you? Really?

Hidingwhoiam · 27/07/2019 07:23

Its not the birthday persons choice

ohcarriemathison · 27/07/2019 08:15

OP ..... how old is your child / children ?
I wouldn't take my children (9&5) out to a birthday meal on a Monday night starting at 8:30pm.
They would be past it and ruin it for everyone else.
I would take kids to see my dad on a sat/sun afternoon with gifts. Then I'd go on my own for an hour on the Monday night so show face and apologise that DH and children were not there as too late.
Then I'd go home and let all the responsible adults chat and drink and have fun.

Aaarrgghhh · 27/07/2019 13:29

Either let the kids have a late night. It won’t do any harm or go alone and leave them with their dad. I think booking so late if she expected the kids to be there is wrong but, if it suits everyone else then you need to work around your kids yourself. If you can’t make it don’t go and if they get stroppy about it they are silly.

RhiWrites · 27/07/2019 14:25

This OP is super confusing.

Couple of weeks ago DM asks what we’re doing on the Monday as she’s thinking of going out for supper for DF’s bday. Yes great obviously we’ll be there.

Why did you say obviously you’ll be there without thinking about times and babysitting?

Last week I asked if she’d consider arranging it as alunch or early around 5pm - just makes it easier with DC and bedtime.

When your mum said no to an early dinner what did you think would happen?

Pressed her for details this week and she said she’d booked x restaurant for 8:30pm. I was like riiiggghhhhht and what are we supposed to do with DC?!?

Maybe your mum thought you’d arrange a baby sitter in between the first invite or after her turning down your request to change the time?

Why do you think she’s forgotten you have kids. You seem equally unprepared to plan around them.

sunshine11 · 27/07/2019 17:36

Just book a babysitter?! Not sure why this is even an issue. Frustrating it’s slightly inconvenient timing but shouldn’t be a show stopper.

pollymere · 27/07/2019 18:49

There is a huge difference between a family meal and a big party. A party heavy on adults will expect perfectly behaved kids. If you take them there always seems to be someone tutting that your child ought to be in bed. I do what my DM did which is to make kids have a nap and snack. It's a special party so they should get to go too. Tales of me, very tiny, very late at night standing on a chair to eat my knickerbocker glory are still related today.

Yabbers · 27/07/2019 19:31

Or if they aren't pram age then they'll definitely be fine to stay up til what - 9.30? 10 latest?

Yeah. Just what a party needs. A toddler who’s up 3 hours past their bedtime.

quizqueen · 27/07/2019 19:48

When people have young children, surely they seek out potential babysitters. I never understand all this, 'I have no one to babysit' cry! Any local nursery will have willing staff who babysit.

RoseLillian · 27/07/2019 20:18

Elmo 311 I am with you. It amazes me the amount of people who say the baby will just sleep in the push chair. Neither of mine have done that beyond being tiny babies.

My eldest is 3 and a half and a night owl, so would be in her element being allowed up late. My youngest is 15 months and gets really tearful and grumpy if it gets past her bedtime. I am also still breastfeeding her at night so couldn’t leave her with someone else. I wouldn’t be leaving them with anyone but family anyway.

I appreciate you can’t normally arrange a party around one person with a baby. I think in this case Op’s DF would much prefer to have his DD and DGC their than most the other people and hence her DM should have accommodated her DGC’s needs.

Op the only thing I can suggest is to arrange to do something separate with your DF for his birthday. You can always explain that it wasn’t possible for you to go to the party because of DC.