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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really cross at DM and think WTH

177 replies

Donotpaintitgrey · 26/07/2019 00:15

I don’t really know whether to be annoyed at this or not, I sort of am but am also knackered so could be clouding my judgment. DF and DC have big birthday few days apart. DD not doing anything originally as DM working on the Sunday so arrange party for DC on the Sat, all good.

Couple of weeks ago DM asks what we’re doing on the Monday as she’s thinking of going out for supper for DF’s bday. Yes great obviously we’ll be there. Asks if In-laws will still be around as visiting for DC’s party. My answer no they’ll have gone home they’re just coming for the long weekend.

Last week I asked if she’d consider arranging it as alunch or early around 5pm - just makes it easier with DC and bedtime. He response in hushed tones, well no it has to stay as supper as it’s booked now and there’s quite a lot of people coming as a surprise - originally she’d intimated it was just fam. Pressed her for details this week and she said she’d booked x restaurant for 8:30pm. I was like riiiggghhhhht and what are we supposed to do with DC?!? Response was well won’t DFIL & MIL still be here, well a) no as I told you two weeks ago they wouldn’t and b) was she expecting us to come and and in-laws to sit - bearing in mind DH have been together for years and for much of that we’ve all spent Xmas and Easters together as a family - it would be very odd/off for us to go out with my fam and leave them at home?!? I was a bit taken back and didn’t really know what to think (I honestly think she may have forgotten we have a child). I think she expected us to be coming but not with DC or she had forgotten we have a baby as she seemed very taken aback when I said I didn’t think we’d be able to come?!? I don’t really know what to do she knows full well we don’t have anyone who could babysit especially not who we’d feel comfortable leaving DC with yet. But I know my Dad’s going to wonder what hell is going on when we don’t turn up to his birthday dinner and he then finds out it was arranged at a time we’d never be able to make. I know he’ll wonder and I don’t want him to think we’ve just ducked out.

What do I do. AIBU to be really bloody cross with DM. She does have a bit of form for this and although she is obsessed with DC doesn’t seem to make the connection that I’m their parent, will ask me why I’m doing this/aren’t doing that and I have to remind her it’s because I have a baby to look after?!?

OP posts:
Happyhappy2 · 27/07/2019 20:43

Tell your DM that you’re pissed off that she altered the party format without running the change past you first. Are you close??

Rachel1874 · 27/07/2019 20:44

I would probably be annoyed, but people don't have to work around you and your child. So you either go or don't, and if asked why you didn't well it was just a bit too late in the evening. But I do understand why you feel annoyed.

ohcarriemathison · 27/07/2019 20:47

@quizqueen maybe people don't want them leave their children with random strangers.
Maybe nursery staff don't offer babysitting services.
Maybe their children would be scared being left with a random stranger.
Maybe their children have additional needs and it's not just a case of phoning up the local nursery and asking if some member of staff can babysit
Maybe they can't afford to go out and pay a babysitter
Maybe they live away from friends and family for a myriad of reasons and genuinely don't have anyone

Spotsmum · 27/07/2019 21:13

Why on Earth would an adult's birthday party - on a weekday! - revolve around your child's bedtime?

You are being immensely unreasonable and frankly disrespectful to your poor mother. Your father won't be around forever - just have your partner, in-laws, or a babysitter for a couple of measly hours and go be with the people who gave up two decades of their own lives to raise you.

Bugbabe1970 · 27/07/2019 21:15

Get a sitter!

Yabbers · 27/07/2019 21:57

I never understand all this, 'I have no one to babysit' cry! Any local nursery will have willing staff who babysit.

For some they aren’t comfortable leaving small children with strangers.

For us it was that DD has a disability and “just get a babysitter” was impossible.

RoseLillian · 27/07/2019 23:10

Spotmum REALLY! It’s an adults birthday, but he is also a Dad and Grandad and actually might like his DD and DGC to be in a position to attend. Yes he won’t be around forever. Maybe he would prefer these special occasions to be surrounded by the people he loves which surely amongst the top of these are op and her DC.

My DF had a big birthday last Autumn and he spent it with his family. He said it was a great night and was the happiest I’ve seen him since falling ill. Guess what it was planned at a suitable time for all his family to attend. Sadly he is no longer with us. But I am glad we had that time as a family. And more that he was so happy.

Hidingwhoiam · 27/07/2019 23:53

@RoseLillian and maybe every other birthday is like that.

For whatever reason lots of people are coming. People who probably ly cant do a monday at 5pm. Given that most people work.

A party doesnt have to revolve around one childs bedtime, every single time. That's impossible.

And OP can go.

RoseLillian · 28/07/2019 08:59

@Hidingwhoiam you don’t know op can go. Op has been a little vague, potentially so as not to be outing. I wouldn’t be able to leave my 15 month old as breastfeeding at night and wouldn’t be leaving Dd’s with anyone but family anyway. There could be any number of reasons why op ca

If this was ops DFs choice for his birthday I would have less of an issue. This is ops DMs though, who has made plans without even considering how difficult she is making it for op, then being put out when op says she might not be able to go.

RoseLillian · 28/07/2019 09:01

Sorry posted to soon. Should read - there might be any number of reasons op can’t make it work.

poppy54321 · 28/07/2019 09:18

My DM would have been planning this with me and I think it’s sad yours hasn’t included you in the planning. I would be hugely surprised if mine organised this without mentioning it to me. She always puts family first to make sure key people are on board and kids happy. Kids first. If you can make it then go if not perhaps try and drop in for part of it?

poppy54321 · 28/07/2019 09:23

Also if my kids could not make my big birthday due to a baby then no big deal surely. If it had been so important they were there then you would plan around them. Have a separate celebration with the DF and DGC.

supadupapupascupa · 28/07/2019 09:56

Yanbu. I would be gutted if my family arranged a big get together which ultimately excluded my dh and children. No way would I take little ones out at that time! My family would want all of us there because it’s important!! And it would be arranged for a suitable day time. That’s what families do.

blubberyboo · 28/07/2019 10:21

It won’t kill you or your baby to stay up late for one night for a special occasion. Millions do all the time. You can leave early and there will be other adults to help rock or push it about in the stroller. And if you are really not prepared to do so then don’t go. Maybe your dad wanted a big do and All the other adults probably can’t go for lunch or early tea if they have work or whatever.

If you don’t go then take him out for lunch another day next week.

StreetwiseHercules · 28/07/2019 10:48

Who organises this stuff for a Monday night?

Hidingwhoiam · 28/07/2019 10:58

StreetwiseHercules people who work weekends?

Tennesseewhiskey · 28/07/2019 11:03

I would be gutted if my family arranged a big get together which ultimately excluded my dh and children.

It's not just family. OP has several options available to her.

Everyone else going to the party, doesnt have revolve around the fact that OP has a baby. What if some of the people attending are at work that day?

The pps mother clearly told the OP they were going out for supper. No one eats supper at 5pm. OP just assumed, it would be at a time convenient for her.

I dont get this thing where someone has to take their partner to everything. Sometimes you can all go to stuff. Sometimes you cant.

Hidingwhoiam · 28/07/2019 11:08

This is ops DMs though, who has made plans without even considering how difficult she is making it for op, then being put out when op says she might not be able to go.

As pp said. Ops mum said supper on the Monday night. OP said yes. It's been organised with everyone in mind not OP, probably because op said yes to supper.

Given the fact that the OP doesnt even seem to have considered the fact that she could go alone and didn't mention it in her op, I would say jumping to conclusions that theres no way she can leave her baby is a bit of stretch. Especially since it appears the in laws have baby sat before. OP, said she would have assumed they were invited to, had they have been there, which is why they woildnt have babysit anyway.

Aridane · 28/07/2019 11:09

It sounds like your mum is a bit of a flake who genuinely forgot that a late dinner could be unsuitable for some young children or that you might not be able to, or want to, get a babysitter

Or that she was accommodating people who, you know, work and can't join 5pm meals on a work day...

Aaarrgghhh · 28/07/2019 11:48

For us it was that DD has a disability and “just get a babysitter” was impossible.

Same here. Also, not every child would stay with a sitter. They are all different after all. I hate when people say just get a sitter as if it’s that easy for everyone.

AE18 · 28/07/2019 12:25

Children aren't interested in other people's birthdays anyway, it rarely stops them from misbehaving or making everything about themselves.

We went out last week for my MILs birthday with the four grandkids and it was to a family restaurant with a play area for the kids. The entire meal ended up revolving around chasing after the kids in the play area, getting them to eat their food etc. People barely even sat with MIL. She didn't complain but it's not hard to see why a grandparent might love their grandkids but not want a birthday party that is centred around kids needs. They've probably had a long life full of many, many friends and acquaintances they don't see much outside of special occasions, and won't see that much more due to their age. I think it's overly precious to be offended by people not wanting their own birthday to focus on kids.

RoseLillian · 28/07/2019 17:24

@Hidingwhoiam Having re read the op, you are right about the ops DM initially saying supper and the op agreeing. So the op probably should have clarified then. Though it is worth mentioning I believe the word supper has different connotations in different areas of the country. It is merely the last meal of the day so isn’t necessarily a late meal. Though either way op should have mentioned it then.

The other part about making assumptions about her not being able to go. I was responding to your assumption that she could go. I was pointing out that you don’t know that and there might be any number of reasons that she can’t. Without op coming back and clarifying we just don’t know.

I guess this sort of issue is always going to divide people though. I guess all families are different, but I just can’t imagine my DM doing this without considering her DGC.

FaveNumberIs2 · 28/07/2019 20:07

You are being unreasonable.

Why do people think the whole family's lives should revolve around their child/children? Your mother has made arrangements to do something for her husband that would include friends and family to celebrate his birthday and now you are making her feel like shit because, although it fits in with everyone else, it doesn't fit in with you!

Ask your partner to babysit so you can go for an hour or two as a representative of your little bunch because it's not suitable for your baby. You are not exactly joined at the hip! Make it a special night with you and your older child, or simply apologise for being unable to be there and pass on your love and best wishes.

Everything does not have to revolve around your baby, and getting pissed off about it is one sure way to turn you bitter and find fault with every future event if your child's needs is not put before everyone else.

You chose to have this child, you chose to be parents, which means you have to now fit in with the world, not expect the world to fit in with you.

(Written with love)

Butterymuffin · 28/07/2019 20:44

As RhiWrites said, why did you say 'yes great we'll be there when your mum mentioned supper (which isn't normally an early meal) but then only bring up all the problems later?

Jux · 30/07/2019 18:57

I think you're being a bit precious. Why can't you book a sitter through an agency? It's a big birthday for your dad, of course you should go and inability to organise a sitter is a piss poor excuse.

I have no idea why you're blathering about Easter and Christmas for. It's completely irrelevant.

Your dh could ask your ILs if they would mind sitting and staying at extra night. It's not cheeky. you're all family.