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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really cross at DM and think WTH

177 replies

Donotpaintitgrey · 26/07/2019 00:15

I don’t really know whether to be annoyed at this or not, I sort of am but am also knackered so could be clouding my judgment. DF and DC have big birthday few days apart. DD not doing anything originally as DM working on the Sunday so arrange party for DC on the Sat, all good.

Couple of weeks ago DM asks what we’re doing on the Monday as she’s thinking of going out for supper for DF’s bday. Yes great obviously we’ll be there. Asks if In-laws will still be around as visiting for DC’s party. My answer no they’ll have gone home they’re just coming for the long weekend.

Last week I asked if she’d consider arranging it as alunch or early around 5pm - just makes it easier with DC and bedtime. He response in hushed tones, well no it has to stay as supper as it’s booked now and there’s quite a lot of people coming as a surprise - originally she’d intimated it was just fam. Pressed her for details this week and she said she’d booked x restaurant for 8:30pm. I was like riiiggghhhhht and what are we supposed to do with DC?!? Response was well won’t DFIL & MIL still be here, well a) no as I told you two weeks ago they wouldn’t and b) was she expecting us to come and and in-laws to sit - bearing in mind DH have been together for years and for much of that we’ve all spent Xmas and Easters together as a family - it would be very odd/off for us to go out with my fam and leave them at home?!? I was a bit taken back and didn’t really know what to think (I honestly think she may have forgotten we have a child). I think she expected us to be coming but not with DC or she had forgotten we have a baby as she seemed very taken aback when I said I didn’t think we’d be able to come?!? I don’t really know what to do she knows full well we don’t have anyone who could babysit especially not who we’d feel comfortable leaving DC with yet. But I know my Dad’s going to wonder what hell is going on when we don’t turn up to his birthday dinner and he then finds out it was arranged at a time we’d never be able to make. I know he’ll wonder and I don’t want him to think we’ve just ducked out.

What do I do. AIBU to be really bloody cross with DM. She does have a bit of form for this and although she is obsessed with DC doesn’t seem to make the connection that I’m their parent, will ask me why I’m doing this/aren’t doing that and I have to remind her it’s because I have a baby to look after?!?

OP posts:
MoreSlidingDoors · 26/07/2019 07:24

Restaurants wouldn’t be open past 9pm if it were true. Hmm

NewIDNewme · 26/07/2019 07:25

This isn't your DM's fault. It's an evening party on a weeknight. Your DPs will have celebrated your DC birthday with you on the Saturday.
You have options:

  1. stamp your feet and don't go (your DF will be disappointed)
  2. Leave DH and baby at home
  3. Take baby and let them sleep in a buggy once they get tired
  4. Seek out a babysitter: perhaps seek recommendations from local friends/other baby mums?
  5. Ask your parents to stay on for an extra night to help you out.

I hope you manage to work something out. This will happen a lot over the next 15 years so this is a good opportunity to put plans in place.

KindnessCrusader · 26/07/2019 07:34

Those saying they don't have anyone to babysit. We don't have any family to babysit either. So we very very rarely go out. When we do we PAY someone to babysit (teenagers from our church, usually!)

SinkGirl · 26/07/2019 07:42

Good for you. It’s not a reluctance to pay - I would happily pay a babysitter, but can’t expect random strangers who don’t know my children to manage their additional needs, including medical issues.

Ginger1982 · 26/07/2019 07:45

How old are your kids?

blackcat86 · 26/07/2019 07:52

There is no way I would be taking DD (11 months) out at that time. She wouldn't sleep in the buggy and would be beside herself. It's not compulsory to attend every event and gathering. Unfortunately not being able to go out whenever you want is part of having young DC. Send your apologies and take your dad out somewhere to celebrate at another time. I would ask the ILs to stay and if they can't not go.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 26/07/2019 07:53
  1. Go as a family, leave together when the DC get cranky.
  2. Turn up as a family, say hellos and happy birthdays, DH leaves with DC leaving you at the dinner.
  3. Get a sitter
  4. Go alone

YANBU to feel put out that the arrangements are problematic for you but YABU to expect your DM to have planned the event around this.

icelollycraving · 26/07/2019 07:53

I think it’s fine for you to go without kids and dh, yabu to expect a special dinner at 5pm, maybe a lunch would have been better. That’s a moot point as it’s been arranged,
Personally I think 830 to start a dinner is a teeny bit late but it’s not my party, it would have been the same result from you if it was 730 I assume.

Lucked · 26/07/2019 08:06

My children are 7 and 5 and I would not take them out that late, they would ruin it for everyone as it is well past there bed time. The one time we ate that late in a holiday due to an event DS fell asleep at the table and DD ended up under the table in tears.

I don’t think it is odd to ask in laws to babysit but it was wrong of you mum to assume.

I would go by myself, don’t make a fuss about it. Maybe this will make her more practical about plans in the future.

Redken24 · 26/07/2019 08:06

Pp I should have written that 830 is too late for *my dinner.
Each to their own but I couldn't face a meal then!
I have a 2 year old and a 3 month old so usually ready for bed 😂 we get up early and through the night.

OoohOnly90CaloriesIllhave10 · 26/07/2019 08:07

You can't expect everyone to change their plans for a baby.

If the baby isn't breastfed then leave it at home and you go.

I know your world revolves around your baby, of course! But no one else's world does. That makes things difficult sometimes but you just have to juggle it.

I know people are suggesting to take the baby but that isn't always an option.

I have three kids and the first two would have absolute meltdowns even from 3 months old if I expected them to sleep somewhere other than their cot for their nighttime sleep (fine for naps?!).
3rd Child is currently a baby and easy and I wouldn't bat an eyelid at taking him to a family meal at 8.30, I know he would be fine. He would sleep or just enjoy cuddles. It massively depends on the baby.

Whilst I sympathise, and I also had a run in with my mum when I had a PFB and she expected me to attend a party I couldn't work round, you just have to suck it up and figure it out. Annoying as that might feel.

Mammyloveswine · 26/07/2019 08:07

Woke up hoping for a bit of clarity from the OP but still confused Hmm

MoreSlidingDoors · 26/07/2019 08:11

Each to their own but I couldn't face a meal then!
I have a 2 year old and a 3 month old so usually ready for bed 😂 we get up early and through the night.

As a baby DD slept midnight till noon. We didn’t miss any parties and ate dinner in restaurants all the time!

Saracen · 26/07/2019 08:13

It sounds like your mum is a bit of a flake who genuinely forgot that a late dinner could be unsuitable for some young children or that you might not be able to, or want to, get a babysitter.

It's a pity, but if you don't think she was being malicious, just roll with it. Go with whatever solution works for you. You don't need to get so worked up over it.

tinyvulture · 26/07/2019 08:16

As others have said, the options are clear:
A) take the kids and all go (I’ve always taken DD to plenty of evening parties - so have most people I know with kids)
B) get a babysitter
C) go without your husband.

None of these sound disastrously awful to me......

Not to go at all seems very harsh. From what you said, C seems to be the viable option for you.

QueenofmyPrinces · 26/07/2019 08:20

I’m with you OP.

If my family were organising a special meal they would always take into consideration the fact that I have young children.

However, they know I have a husband at home who can look after the children so it would be safe to assume they’d think he’d stay home with them whilst I attended the meal.

If my family had wanted both DH and I to attend the meal then they would organise it at a time that enabled us all to go - I.e before the children’s bedtimes.

It’s not clear how old your child/children is/are but in your situation, if their father couldn’t stay at home with them then I wouldn’t attend the meal.

Redken24 · 26/07/2019 08:25

@MoreSlidingDoors

Lucky you all that sleep 😎

Atalune · 26/07/2019 08:28

You’re being precious and demanding.

VivienneHolt · 26/07/2019 08:32

PPs could take a second to calm down. OP has just said she's annoyed but might just be tired, she's not gone off on a massive rant. Accusations that she's being demanding and a drama queen are totally unwarranted.

OP - it might be worth asking your in-laws if they would extend their stay and baby sit. Even if they are usually invited to family events they would likely understand that in this situation they would be helping you out.

If that isn't possible I agree with PP's suggestion that you should go and your husband stay at home to look after the DC.

Loudlady34 · 26/07/2019 08:33

You all don't need to go, just one of you go and the other stay home with the baby.
I used to get really annoyed with people for these same situations when I first had a baby, but then I realised that everyone else's life goes on and can't revolve around the child. Just be straight with her and then pull your dad to one side at the meal and explain that your mum booked it very late so that's why you all couldn't come

MoreSlidingDoors · 26/07/2019 08:33

Lucky you all that sleep

Ish. All local baby groups etc were planned around babies that slept 7-7 so she slept through pretty much all of them.😂

Hidingwhoiam · 26/07/2019 08:36

So you expect someone else birthday meal to organised around what's best for your child, even though lots of other people are attending. They all have to do it around what suits you and your child.

I also dont get why you can't go without your other half? That's life when you have kids. You cabt both go to everything unless you have a babysitter to hand.

Theres absolu9nothing wrong with only you attending a party. You dont have to do everything together.

I didnt go my brothers 30th. It was in the city centre at a friends bar. It was arranged fairly last minute. Dh (now exh) was working that night. I was taking toddler dd into the town centre which is popular with stag and hen parties and carnage on a saturday night to go to a party where everyone was getting pissed. My mum and dad went, who were the only babysitter I had used at that point. I missed out. Not a big deal. No way would I have expected his party to be organised around my child. It was organised for something that my brother (childfree) at the time would enjoy with his friends, who were mainly child free too. And again, those that had kids and couldnt get a babysitter, only one of the couple went.

When you have a child, your life changes. But everyone elses doesnt have to.

Topsecretidentity · 26/07/2019 08:43

You can go on your own surely? I think you're overreacting a little bit. Your mum is arranging your dad's birthday not your child- their life doesn't revolve around your child so you shouldn't expect her to make plans with your child at the forefront of arrangements. Unless the party is hours away, you should go while your husband minds the baby.

SinkGirl · 26/07/2019 08:49

Can people not read?
I think she expected us to be coming but not with DC or she had forgotten we have a baby as she seemed very taken aback when I said I didn’t think we’d be able to come?!?

She’s not expecting the world to revolve around her.

I absolutely don’t expect people to make plans around us, but I also don’t expect them to be annoyed if I can’t go.

Topsecretidentity · 26/07/2019 08:52

I absolutely don’t expect people to make plans around us, but I also don’t expect them to be annoyed if I can’t go.

I would be annoyed if my adult daughter said she couldn't come to her father's birthday party just because her baby and husband couldn't go for childcare reasons (unless the baby is a newborn but it doesn't seem that way). She's not attached at the hip to her family is she?