To ask for your most "You couldn't make this shit up" stories...

[TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit]

I work for a retail company at our head office. We received a call from a man who wanted to exchange 2 garments as he bought the wrong size.

No problem.

I ask for the product codes on the labels.... took a while but he found them. All the while he is telling me that it is for his customers in Brazil. How he likes to get them presents, etc, etc. So sounds like a competent manager type, possibly business owner.

I ask what sizes does he have and what would he like to swap them for. This is when it got a little odd.

For some reason he just couldn't find the size on the label. Next minute I hear him shout:

"Jessica! Jessica! Susan!! Oi, I need a woman here! You woman know size labels! Susan!"

So 'Jessica' comes running up on the other side and finds the size for him. It's a size 3-4 kids t-shirt.

Then he starts saying to 'Jessica': "This won't fit, will it? Do you think it will fit?" 'Jessica' sounds unsure.

Next minute I hear him shout: "Bring me a child! Get me a 3 year old! Yes, yes, just get me a child! A 3 year old!"

He says: "Turtle, I'll phone you back in a minute" and puts the phone down

Dumbfounded, we're all wondering what the hell kind of business this man is in if he can just conjure up a child of a specific age? My colleagues make me promise to ask him his business, just to put our minds at rest.

He never phoned back! I guess it fit the 3 year old child they found for him?

It was just such a bizarre conversation. Have you had any weird or wonderful stories to tell?

I was helping relocate a gentleman from abroad to work in The UK by his employer, a large multinational.
So bear in mind I was working for his employer
I went through all the info he needed and he said he had a question
“Can I work here illegally?”
I explained that he was being sponsored by his employer so he wasn’t working illegally
“Yes but can I work for someone else illegally as well as for x?”
I managed to remain professional and explain that neither his employer nor the British government would probably be happy about it
“Yes but can I do it if I don’t get caught?”
I just said no, you can’t, which seemed to shut him up
Then “if I bring my wife here can SHE work illegally?”

I wasn't directly involved but when I worked at a well know pet insurance company a customer wrote to us to claim for treatment for her cat. I can't remember the exact circumstances of the incident but the poor cat had to have its tail amputated.

She enclosed the tail with the claim form

My friend used to work for the Child Support Agency, collecting debts from those parents who owed several thousand pounds in child support. She said that the people who’d got themselves into this situation tended not to be very bright.

Her phone conversation with one client went something like this:

CSA - You owe £X thousand in unpaid child support. Why haven’t you been paying?

Man - Well, you see, I had a threesome, so I’m not sure if it’s my kid.

CSA - OK. Can I take the name of the other man involved in the threesome, please?

Man - It wasn’t with another man, it was with two women.

My friend had to mute the phone while she composed herself.

I managed a customer services department of about 75 people and at times, particularly difficult customers would be put through to me. I came back from lunch one day to a voicemail and my heart sank, thinking a member of staff had put a 'screamer' through without giving me any background info. The message, a few minutes long, was from a guy who claimed to be calling from a large cardboard box, having been mysteriously put in the post and having no idea where he'd been posted to. After I'd dried my eyes I tried to establish who'd pranked me. It's been 15 years and I still don't know.
Oh, and in the days when crossed lines were a thing, trying to have a serious conversation with a customer (and failing hilariously) with a little voice in the background going 'Peekaboo' repeatedly. The customer couldn't hear it at her it at her end and wasn't amused by my hysterical laughing.

@Tattygran14 - I don't understand?

@wheresmymojo my cat has had her tail amputated. It got caught in a cupboard door when she was a kitten and it was sliced nearly all the way through. Vet felt it was too far gone to save so amputated. She is now 15 and seems quite happy with her stump. I still feel guilty as it was partly my fault

Today at work , selling fabric..
Customer - 'will this fit my table or will it hang too much over the edge'
Me - 'I haven't seen your table'
Her - 'Oh , I suppose not".

Customer had recently had an operation therefore couldn’t bring his vehicle in for various warranty repairs. We weren’t aware of this.

Out of the blue, the day after scheduled repair, customer’s son rang, stating that he’d be bringing the vehicle in but it was mighty inconvenient and would we be compensating him for his time and fuel! He also asked why no one had rung him to ask him why he hadn’t turned up the previous day !

I have to deal with all sorts of drama on a daily basis.

Some people are just nuts!

Few years ago now but my friend is an a&e nurse...woman comes in who is 7 weeks pregnant with bad morning sickness...although she didn’t come in for the actual sickness..she was more concerned she would ‘sick the baby up’

DS used to work in a call centre. One day a customer phoned up to complain, ranted on for a bit, ds listened to him, apologised, resolved the issue and the man calmed down and ended up thanking ds for being helpful. So far so good. Then ds said "anything else I can help you with? " and the customer said "yes, I'm going to pass you over to my wife because she wants to shout at you as well". He passed the phone to his wife who then shouted at ds about the same issue which ds had just resolved.

My daughter used to have a Saturday job in a clothes store when the carrier bag charge came in. Somebody returned something and also wanted a refund for the bag.

Working on the reception of a hotel. A guest approaches and asks for information about the local spa (not sure of a better name). I give information about it and hand a leaflet over and let them know we can book a day ticket for them if required.
Guest: OK, can I get a day ticket for Monday? I've got a free day then.
Me: Yes, we can book that. Just to let you know, on Mondays the indoor saunas are for use by women only, but the rest of the facilities are available.
Guest: So I can't go unless I'm a woman?
Me: No, you can go, it's just the indoor saunas you won't be able to use. They have outdoor saunas and, I've found them a better standard than the indoor ones.
Guest: That's sexist! I'm putting a complaint in!
He then stormed off.

I don't know if he did complain to the spa or not, it was a few years ago, but the spa still close their indoor saunas off to men on Mondays.

I also worked for a short time at McDonald's. Had a customer come through the drive-thru and try to order a bargain bucket. I pointed out that KFC was opposite us. "But they're closed and I want a bargain bucket!"

As a vicar I get to do a lot of funerals. The meeting with the family can be quite a complex affair as they are in all stages of shock and grief and you still have to arrange the music, the readings and who is going to do the eulogy. Family life can be complicated so I usually draw a family tree so I get the names of significant family members and sort out who is going to be there on the day. It also helps to get a family talking if they are just overwhelmed by what has happened. All should be well except when the family 'forget' to tell you some significant details.....

*the funeral where there was just one son and all seemed straightforward. There was a big group of people at the crem. Odd I think as I'm not expecting many so I use the line
'Hi, I'm Revd Mostly and I'm taking the funeral today, how do you know X?
'I'm representing his his son Adam who couldn't get here today' says this nice man'
'Oh dear (stronger language was used)' thinks I and I spent the next 10 mins trying to gently extract the family history I had not been told and work out how I honour all of that in the service.

*the graveside committal where a chap runs up to the open grave into which the coffin has been reverently laid by the bearers shouting 'Mavis I love you' and threw a single rose onto the coffin. Not sure who he was or if he was even at the right funeral.

*The partner of the deceased who sat alone at the front of the church. Absolutely no member of the family at the many meetings, in the many emails or conversations had mentioned that their mum had been living with this lovely lady for years.

@wheresmymojo

Am crying with laughter!! Absolutely amazing!

I used to work in a Dental Practice so have quite a few stories but one which used to happen quite alot goes like this...

Patient: I pay Denplan every month (an insurance policy) and I haven't had my teeth checked or cleaned for 3 years.. why haven't you called me to make me an appointment..

Us: ok well we can see from your records we have sent you a reminder every 6 months as we do all patients..

Patient: well I want a refund as you've had money from me for nothing and you have a responsibility to make me appointments..

Dear God Alive...

We also had a patient who had sent a very rude txt message to us..presumably by accident...we did 141 and got the number. It was the Husband of a woman who was really up herself..we could never look at her again the same without picturing 'her shaven growler' 🤣🤣🤣🤣

@mostlydrinkstea

You would have enjoyed my father's funeral. I was sat at the front of the church with my mother, (who was in the process of divorcing my father) but still officially his wife. Young chap sat at the back of the church sobbing loudly. It gets louder and louder and he's inconsolable. And then the penny drops that this young chap (the same age as myself at the time) was in fact my father's secret gay lover of many years (it later transpired that they'd been together for years and had a house together). Well, that was a shock for all involved, but I have to say that the vicar did an admirable job of stuttering his way through the proceedings. He probably needed more than a cup of tea at the end of it. As did we all!

@LittleFairyCakes

I bet that the text wasn't for his wife!

I was having a private language lesson with a tutor at their home. About half an hour in there was a knock at the door. It was the bailiffs saying "We're here to repossess the house". Poor chap mumbled, "Oh, I was hoping you weren't serious." Awkward.

@Charley50
It was a long story cut short. We'd asked for a heater, there were mini icebergs outside the porthole, and the 'aircon' was blowing cold air. The engineer came, did nothing, then pulled a digital thermometer out of his pocket, and shouted ''It is 23 degrees in here, lady." At the time I was sitting wrapped in a duvet. People went to dinner in blankets. I think the stolen money was retribution. We had dared to complain. The captain was fully aware, obviously the passengers are a necessary inconvenience. Never ever trust your safe, they have keys! A ship of thieves. Hence our bemusement when WE were called liars.

I used to create extremely high end travel itineraries for people. Did one for one man and his "travelling companion". We had no alternative instructions 're address to send booking itinerary, flight details etc - just "same.as billing address", so as per instructions, everything got sent to the man's billing/home address. Poor wife opened it, found out her darling husband had had a bespoke luxury holiday planned for someone not her. He called us absolutely ranting with white hot rage that his wife had found out. Threatened to sue, etc etc.

Another time, v v v wealthy Texan oil tycoon (so he said) wanted to book out the entire Kabuki theatre in Tokyo. Would not listen that this just isn't possible - tickets there don't work like that. He was extremely wealthy- most wealthy client the company had ever had (he's done previous trips with us, crazy crazy stuff that was just beyond the realms of believability of expense), but just could not understand or accept that money can't buy you everything you stamp your little foot for. Ended up the company owner trying to explain the intricacies of Japanese culture/how some American can't just buy out the whole kabuki theatre. He wouldn't accept it, never booked anything with us again. Ah well.

Also, beloved grandfather dying of cancer. Couldn't figure out why suddenly he didn't want any of us, including his wife of 4 decades, by his bedside. Turns out he had another lover, 2 dogs, and her mother he looked after and had been living with for the past decade, and didn't want each of our families to find out what a fucking scumbag he was. I made sure to tell him as he lay in his palliative care bed that not only had his wife, my beloved grandmother, found out, but she was good enough to still want to look after him. I told him I loved him, but he was a massive piece of shit. No regrets. The OW also turned up to his funeral with her elderly frail mother, knowing full well by now he had an actual wife and whole other family. We bodily shielded by GM from seeing her. I don't think she ever spotted she was there. Such utter heartache caused from not being able to have just one piece of cake.

I worked for a mortgage company years ago, took a call from a client close to completing her application, who seemed really upset, thinking something financial had gone wrong, or a death, I proceeded to gently ask the problem.......

'I need to cancel the application, as my husband has just found me in bed with the mortgage advisor'

Apparently, he had form for that sort of thing, no one thought to let me know when at 18 I took the call and had to explain to management why we had received a cancellation!

elesbells

People's ideas about anatomy are often a bit strange. I once spoke to a woman who was telling me about how in the fifties it was common practice to give enemas to women in the early stage of labour [ this is true, things were different then, they used to shave you too] , before the enema they would give a dose of castor oil orally. "Was that to help the enema along?" I asked. "Oh no dear, it was to grease the baby's head so you had an easier time."

She had had four children........

I used to work in a book shop a long time ago.
This lesser known new book called "Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone" was getting a slow build of attention from favourable reviews in the newspapers. We had about 3 copies at that time.

A man came in and demanded he had this new book by Harry Potter. I took him to see the book on the shelf and said that the author was actually JK Rowling. He refused the book saying I was stupid, he's said he wanted the new book by Harry Potter. I explained that perhaps he was mistaken, the book was about a character called Harry Potter. He got really abusive and said he was sick of thick stupid people working in bookshops who couldn't understand simple requests and flounced out.

He could have bought a 1st edition there if he'd have listened.....

I also had a shouty woman come in one day demanding that she wanted a "book about everything". I was puzzled and asked for more information. She got even more shouty saying it's just a "book about everything"! Was I stupid?? I had to draw a blank and said I couldn't help her without a bit more to go on. She wasn't happy at all.
The next day we got in a load of massive crates full of new titles and new stock. Right on top in the first crate was a book literally called "A Book about Everything". How embarrassed was I??

@Tattygran14 you've just got to tell us what ship that was??