To ask for your most "You couldn't make this shit up" stories...

[TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit]

I work for a retail company at our head office. We received a call from a man who wanted to exchange 2 garments as he bought the wrong size.

No problem.

I ask for the product codes on the labels.... took a while but he found them. All the while he is telling me that it is for his customers in Brazil. How he likes to get them presents, etc, etc. So sounds like a competent manager type, possibly business owner.

I ask what sizes does he have and what would he like to swap them for. This is when it got a little odd.

For some reason he just couldn't find the size on the label. Next minute I hear him shout:

"Jessica! Jessica! Susan!! Oi, I need a woman here! You woman know size labels! Susan!"

So 'Jessica' comes running up on the other side and finds the size for him. It's a size 3-4 kids t-shirt.

Then he starts saying to 'Jessica': "This won't fit, will it? Do you think it will fit?" 'Jessica' sounds unsure.

Next minute I hear him shout: "Bring me a child! Get me a 3 year old! Yes, yes, just get me a child! A 3 year old!"

He says: "Turtle, I'll phone you back in a minute" and puts the phone down

Dumbfounded, we're all wondering what the hell kind of business this man is in if he can just conjure up a child of a specific age? My colleagues make me promise to ask him his business, just to put our minds at rest.

He never phoned back! I guess it fit the 3 year old child they found for him?

It was just such a bizarre conversation. Have you had any weird or wonderful stories to tell?

@Ratbagcatbag it sounds like @TheInvestigator has had a bad dogging experience 🤣🤣

@ladders1 - 'spitting shoplifters'! Am laughing at the thought! It should be a prerequisite of working in retail!

I work for a large tour operator now and outrageous complaints from the clients are quite common. One case however was special because it was the hotel complaining about the guest.
This guy was travelling by himself to Thailand. Arrived drunk and immediately tried to buy drugs and order a prostitute from the receptionist. They politely refused and explained that prostitutes are not allowed in the hotel.
He left his stuff in the room, went out and soon came back with a prostitute. Was stopped at the entrance and again told that it's not allowed. Prostitute left, he went to the bar and went on drinking and harassing female staff. When he practically attempted rape right there in front of other clients the hotel management finally had enough. They packed his stuff, threw him out and sent us a long email explaining what hapened and confirming full refund.
After several hours we got one more email saying that the sex pest guest was sitting on their doorstep and crying. He had no money for another hotel (refunds take time) and swore he would behave. He even offered to leave his passport on Reception to give to police if he does something again. They felt sorry for him and allowed him back, so could we please reinstate the booking? They even sent us a copy of his passport and a scan of a handwritten letter where he swore to behave.
Apparently he kept his promise as they didn't write us any more...

When I was at university I visited a friend on her year abroad in Europe. My friend wandered off to find a loo, leaving me waiting in the central square. Not long after a man approached me with loads of paperwork saying he was scouting for a suitable candidate for his boss to be the new princess of Angola... he was keen to show me all of the paperwork he had from the Angolan embassy and royal family. I kept saying I didn't have money but he was insisting his boss wanted to marry a certain type and I was suitable! I didn't want to move too far from the meeting place (didn't want to pay roaming charges to phone my friend either ) and so I was shown all of these bundles of papers until my friend whisked me away impatiently. I still have no idea what that was all about, years later!

@wheresthewine36 So frustrating when you've posted and there's nothing you can do!! Obviously I don't spit shoplifters

When he was at uni I worked in customer services for a bank summer holidays.

Gems include:

The mother who brought in her 18 year old son and shout that we should not have let him gone overdrawn. Eventually had to take them into a room and explain income vs outgoings.

I was training an new starter and a lady wanted a copy of her statement, whilst it was printing I told my trainee that the printer was behind us. Woman screamed that she was busy and too important and to get the manager as that conversation made her late..... she did not see the irony!

The chap that sadly had mental health issue and had taken a fascination with one of my colleagues and would come in a stare at her. Was unnerving for her as she was pregnant (first trimester) so I would go chat to him whilst she called his carer (regular occurrence).

The man that couldn't understand that cheques took three says to clear and would come in and shout at us every week. He would shout that we were stealing his money, that he was going to close his account, his business account, his wife account and his daughter's account. During my last week, in front of a full banking hall I asked him which bank he would be going to as I would be happy to escort him and gave him the account closure forms but told him his wife and daughter would have to close their own accounts!

Long story, cutting it short. We were on a cruise with a much advertised cheap company. In the middle of the Atlantic, we discovered our safe had been opened and money stolen. Security came, searched safe and cabin. We changed the pin number on the safe, and went to dinner. Later that night we checked the safe. The money had been returned.
We saw the captain in the bar, and asked him what had happened.
He said" you are both liars".

I worked for my uncle in retail in my teens (think over priced corner shop franchise) and all kinds of nonsense used to occur. I remember one morning watching in amazement as a bloke in a leather jacket filled up the inside of said jacket with several packets of danish back bacon from the fridge at the back of the store. He then made to leave without paying. I attracted the manager's attention and he tried to stop the man leaving. A scuffle then ensued which involved the manager getting his head bashed against the automatic stamp vending machine on the wall by the shop door! Luckily the man was apprehended and arrested by the police. On another occasion a cyclist came in dripping in blood. I was about 17 at the time and on my own in the shop. It turned out that the poor guy had gone straight through the back window of a parked car. I had to call an ambulance for him and told him that he maybe shouldn't pick the shards of glass out of his face!
Also (sorry, there are so many things coming back to me!) I remember the time a man stormed up to me at the till, threw a receipt into my face and screamed that I had ripped him off as ryvita was 20p cheaper at Safeway down the road!

When I worked in insurance claims I had an elderly lady call through and announce:

"My name is Betty, I'm 85 years old and I've had a vaginal hysterectomy and I need a commode!"

It took all the strength not to laugh as it was so unexpected.

I also had a man call through to me to explain that for half an hour he'd been trying to get through on the phone, only to realise he'd been using the TV remote as a phone

Worked in the Wills department in a solicitors.. used to book in appointments for clients, got chatting to this posh old lady about her brothers death, she told me loads of things about his life including when his dog died his heart broke and how his dog used to shit on the floor whenever he (the now dead brother) used to watch coronation street, same time every evening - no lie.

Now here's the thing, some people used to call and be quite jovial, upbeat get on with it kind of thing others used to be the obvious with drawn upset. This lady sounded like she was in knots laughing telling me this story and I was having a grand old giggle tearing up laughing until she interrupted me loudly saying "how dare you laugh at me I am GRIEVING!" I then stifled laughing gave her a lengthy apology and in the end I was being quite genuine. I honestly got it wrong. To this day I've never heard anyone cry over the phone and sound like they were laughing.

Anyway - lady comes in lodges a complaint during her appointment, fair enough. Manager calls me in listens to the call back he ends up crying in tears of laughter too and gives me a stern warning to keep it professional and no small talk in future.

In the 90s I knew a guy in my home town who grew his hair, he was in a rock band and massively proud of his lank, ratty looking locks.
In the cinema he'd only sit in the back row... he couldn't sit elsewhere just in case someone came armed with scissors to watch a film, and cut his hair off.

@cookiechomper maybe we worked in the same nursery. We were asked to open Christmas Day too.
Also, nursery staff were asked by parents to work all night Friday night, so parents could leave their babies in nursery on Friday morning and collect them Saturday afternoon. A 28 hour shift. Great.
When we refused, they tried again to persuade us by offering to get us a takeaway.

The man who bought my flat managed to track me down within days of the move. I do not know how, as we had a new landline number. He kept on calling, expecting me to sort out all sorts of things, especially his broadband. None of the things he wanted me to do were remotely my business. I kept referring him back to the solicitor and the management company, but he didn't want to deal with them because it would cost him money! The most irritating issue, and the one that he kept coming back for, was the broadband. The man refused to believe (or, possibly, kept forgetting what I told him) that we had only had dial-up in the flat, that we had never had broadband, so I was unable to tell him who we had used and how well it had worked. No, I could not tell him how to plug in his PC so that the broadband would work. No, I could not tell him which of the telephone extension sockets to use. No, the fact that the router wasn't working because he had plugged it into the extension, instead of the main socket, was nothing to do with me. No, it was not my problem that the socket in the study was an extension, even if I had installed it myself.

I couldn't block him, because his withheld number displayed in the same way as my parents' number. Eventually I started saying "It's nothing to do with me. In future I will only communicate with you via the solicitor. Goodbye." And hanging up. Even so, the calls continued for about 6 months.

A parent walked out of a parent consultation, very angry when I refuted her assertions that her child was a genius, and had been considered for. Junior mensa at preschool, and was on the gifted and talented register at her previous primary school. I said that her child was bright average, a hard worker, nice, chatty, personable, everything you'd want in.a pupil. Mother insisted that child was a future Einstein, wpuld change the world etc.... I was 3 hours into Consults by this point, and lost my grip on reality, so said "yes, we all think. Our children are special, and they are, but little flossie is just a normal little girl"
She flew up out of her chair, flung her copy of the report I always prepared for. Parents, and told me she would be complaining about me.... She stalked off, then ran back into the room and shrieked " AND SHE STILL CAN'T TELL THE TIME YOU STUPID CUNT!"..... and her husband scuttled along after her. Her child is a lovely young woman, always in the village newspaper in guides, or helping at the village Hall. Kids disco. Not a genius, but a nice kid.

My Dad worked for a close relative of the Kray Twins. And ended up having an affair with this man’s wife.

Some of these

Ow here we go...

I worked for an alarm company for 6 years..
Customer rings in to report the installing engineer had left the new alarm equipment outside while he had gone to get longer ladders and it had been stolen. He cancelled the installation and refused to allow an investigation. Engineer rang in 3 days later while fitting an alarm in the same area to say he had just witnessed customer fitting the alarm equipment himself!!

Friend of mine sold childrens Christmas hampers and took an order last Christmas from a women for her 8 year old daughter. Run up to Christmas friend goes to deliver hamper.. The address is her mother ( child's grand mother ) who knows nothing about it and refuses to pay.
Customer couldn't be contacted.

Christmas day!! Friend received an inbox from child's mother..

” just to let you know Milly* didn't get anything on Christmas eve thanks to you..she cried herself to sleep looking at the pictures of what she should have had, you should have left the hamper as a gesture of good will my mother is a pensioner you despicable cow”

????? Honestly WTF!!

Friends 30th birthday, big celebration and it's gift giving time before the big night out - sister only sister proudly passes her an envelope containing a weekend away in which she will get to drive sister to the hotel and pay for petrol and accompany her for the weekend! Whoop a free bed for 2 nights.. The generosity

Me and sister are doing a car boot recently and a women is haggling over a brand new river island coat priced at £5 she loudly shouts ” £2.50 is my lAST offer.. Come on for God sake it's not even going to fit me properly!!!” the coat was a 14 and the lady was a 18-20.

Last but not least the best of all..

Lady rings in to the alarm company and asks us to ring daughter.. Who is a key holder for her property as she has ’just checked if she was able to fit into a wardrobe and the wardrobe has fallen over on to the doors and she is trapped inside...naked.” SO PLEASE DONT PHONE POLICE. SHE HAD OUR NUMBER SAVED IN HER HOUSE PHONE WHICH SHE WAS CARRYING BUT NOT HER DAUGHTERS!!!

@wheresthewine36

I knew it was Lulu straight away. I have also had the 'pleasure'. My heart absolutely bled for her poor assistant.

Ah, Lulu. I was travelling Scotrail 1st class London to Edinburgh about 15 years ago and there was a woman on the phone talking VERY loudly, getting up from her seat and pacing around a bit . . . I looked over my glasses at her as it was all getting really a bit bloody much, hoping that my look would convey 'please could you shut the fuck up'. Oh no. She sort of smile/nodded at me in a 'yes, yes you're right, it's me! Me! Lulu! You lucky mere mortal'.
She got off at Carlisle, I think. Thank fuck.

Took some trousers back once as they didn't fit and the shop assistant asked if I had worn them,
I said no and she SNIFFED THE CROTCH, and said "okay that's fine" and gave me a refund!

My mum and me just stood there like this

I'm a radiographer and we have hundreds of stories! Patients who take everything off (and I mean everything) when we just ask them to remove their trousers/top and insist on removing their gown when they come in the room ..."I'm not bothered love" well we are!

A former housemate years ago who worked at the reception of one of the top 5* hotels in London came home with this:

Couple from the Middle East. Their stay was ending, so the reception called to ask if they would be extending their stay to which the Mrs said yes. They asked if they would be keeping both rooms during the extra days..... she asked 'what second room?'

Shortly after the husband storms down shouting that his wife had found out about his mistress (who he had booked in specifically two rooms down from his !!!!!).

I was selling a flat, had the buyer, surveys done everything in place for exchange of contracts.

Buyer called the estate agent to say he wouldn't be buying the flat as he was dead.

@wheresthewine36
I KNEW straight away it was her. When I saw CB I thought I was wrong.