To ask for your most "You couldn't make this shit up" stories...

[TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit]

I work for a retail company at our head office. We received a call from a man who wanted to exchange 2 garments as he bought the wrong size.

No problem.

I ask for the product codes on the labels.... took a while but he found them. All the while he is telling me that it is for his customers in Brazil. How he likes to get them presents, etc, etc. So sounds like a competent manager type, possibly business owner.

I ask what sizes does he have and what would he like to swap them for. This is when it got a little odd.

For some reason he just couldn't find the size on the label. Next minute I hear him shout:

"Jessica! Jessica! Susan!! Oi, I need a woman here! You woman know size labels! Susan!"

So 'Jessica' comes running up on the other side and finds the size for him. It's a size 3-4 kids t-shirt.

Then he starts saying to 'Jessica': "This won't fit, will it? Do you think it will fit?" 'Jessica' sounds unsure.

Next minute I hear him shout: "Bring me a child! Get me a 3 year old! Yes, yes, just get me a child! A 3 year old!"

He says: "Turtle, I'll phone you back in a minute" and puts the phone down

Dumbfounded, we're all wondering what the hell kind of business this man is in if he can just conjure up a child of a specific age? My colleagues make me promise to ask him his business, just to put our minds at rest.

He never phoned back! I guess it fit the 3 year old child they found for him?

It was just such a bizarre conversation. Have you had any weird or wonderful stories to tell?

Just remembered about a call I took from my colleague's client. This was a very difficult person. They told me that they were going to get a weapon and wait for someone they were complainting about. I was advised to contact the police and the person they were threatening. They had a visit from the police and were really put out that I had reported them to the police, I should have known they were joking

Mines is more shocking than funny and still to this day I think WTF. I used to work for a well known high street opticians but in the hearing aid department. I was just training at the time so was shadowing the audiologist. A lady of about 70 came in accompanied by her daughter. He did the test and was explaining all the options for hearing aids. She decided to go for the third most expensive as she wanted to hear the bingo, her grandchildren and just basically wanted her quality of life back. Her daughter then piped up and said “no, they’re too expensive- that’s my inheritance you’re spending” and made her get the cheapest ones. I was flabbergasted and wanted to cry for the poor lady.

When I was younger I briefly worked for my uncle in the office just answering phones and a bit of admin. He used to get loads of cold calls so it was my job to screen the incoming calls and get rid of the nonsense. Answered the phone to an extremely rude man one day "put me through to the business owner". No please or even a hello. I asked what the call was regarding. "I'm not prepared to say". So I told him that the owner would unfortunately not take the call unless I could give him some information and that I really did need a name and a brief description of what the call was in connection to. "Look, I haven't got time to be explaining myself to some silly little girl (I was 21 ) so will you just put the fucking call through". To which I replied "Actually on second thoughts I do think the business owner might have a few words for you - shall I still put you through to my uncle?". I have never heard someone backtrack so fast 😂 He apologised profusely and told me where he was calling from etc. I told him to sling his hook, not call back and in future treat people like human beings. I've got to give him a tiny bit of credit for not just hanging up though 😁 He actually still wanted to be put through 😂

Before I went to uni I worked in retail and spent far too much time explaining the concept of Buy One Get One Free....
I then went on to be a criminal defence solicitor and was called to the police station to represent two brothers who weren’t exactly known for their intelligence, for a burglary of a leisure centre.
Of course they denied all knowledge until the officer showed me cctv footage of them unscrewing tv monitors from the wall inches from the cameras. Whilst they had gone well prepared with balaclavas....they’d forgotten to pull them down over their faces and we had a brilliant view of them both. Needless to say it was a guilty plea...

I had a job in accounts and the customers were always requesting credit notes for being over charged fair enough but sometimes 1p over charged so credit notes could be less than 5p . I refused and said adjust payment accordingly but customer would insist , I was over ruled by my manager as to not upset customer. I wouldn't mind but we wasn't allowed to print invoices off sent by email from suppliers because the cost of printing we had to tell them to put in the post . .
Also same place office light caught fire one day as we all arrived in work . New office temp arrived first and said the office is on fire . Anyway light tripped out fire extinguished so no lights in the office until electrician could come out . Office manager came in later we are all sat in dark . I said we've had a fire lights are off, she said but the computers still work I said yes she said ok and walked in her own office with working lights. no are you ok or anything . The office temp was offered a permanent job surprisingly she turned it down .

Different job arrived to work one day in company car park to gypsys camped in our car park . The kids were really feral trying to nick stock and going to the toilet outside
I could go on but it's already quite outing .

My first job was as a Saturday girl at a well known fashion retailer. I was 16.
I was asked to work the returns area one Saturday, and thought it would be a right doss for the day. God how naïve I was back then.
After having to politely decline refunds for hours and the customers grudgingly having to walk away as the garment had clearly been worn, my second to last return of the day walks over.
She had a bag full of underwear. About £15 worth. It was company policy (as you would expect) that we didn't refund underwear or swimming costumes.
She tipped the bag out and the smell was unreal, they had clearly been worn

Noooo!! I don't want this thread to be over 😭

Sorry pressed too soon!
Anyway I politely said I couldn't refund and she got very angry. She was shouting and swearing that I would effing refund her or she'd effing do me. I kept saying I was so sorry but it was company policy (not mentioning the smell). She then stopped and walked away, not another word so I thought, phew, glad that's over.
Except, all of a sudden, I hear an bellowing sound, and see her, running, at speed, at me. She launched herself over the desk, at me, screaming like a wild animal. I just had time to move out the way, and jumped through the side door to the staff only area. I had to hold the door as she was kicking it!
The police turned up and she denied it all. She was banned from the store.
I used to refuse to work the returns desk after that.

puzzledandpissedoff Doonhamer by any chance?

stereolovely nope, a lot further south than that ... this is an east midlands city

I've worked in housing associations for a decade and had some absolute corkers but in general, its the entitled ones that get my goat.
I had a man try to get me fired because I told him I couldn't evict the young family upstairs because the kids played in the lounge at 8am. He left for work then, it wasn't like he was being woken at 3am!
Recently I had a guy come in ranting and raving that we weren't offering him a house. The fact that he owed more than £5k and had been evicted by us less than a year ago was apparently irrelevant!
The housinb waiting list brings out right nutters, like the single man who "needs" a two bed flat because he needs somewhere to store his clothes. Or the single woman who "needs" a 3 bed house for her dogs. Never mind there are people actually homeless and need houses, not just want a transfer to a bigger property for their stuff!

A few years ago, my mother (then in her 70s) decided she wanted a carbon monoxide detector. She asked her handyman (who was a retired builder, but had kept on a small number of older customers) to get one and fit it for her.
He got a mains powered one, which at the time cost about £40 to the best of my recollection, and fitted it in the living room for her.
About a week later she rang me complaining that it kept going off "at teatime" which turned out to be 5pm every day. l thought that was a bit odd, so l rang said handyman and he said he'd call in and have a look at it.
Which he did, and he couldn't find anything wrong with it. He'd dismantled the gas fire, tested it, and it was fine. The poor man was totally bemused, and (very fairly, l thought) offered to pay half towards a new one, as he couldn't understand what was wrong with it, and he'd also fit it free of charge.
A few days later when l visited my mother, she confessed. Something she hadn't realised until after he'd actually fitted the new one.
When she'd been dusting, she'd knocked a small travel alarm clock off the coffee table which was underneath where the carbon monoxide detector was situated. When she picked it up from the floor, she realised that the alarm on it was set for 5 o'clock. As it was an analogue clock, the alarm had been going off every day at both 5am and 5pm. But obviously she was upstairs in bed at 5am when it went off, and only heard the 'noise' at 5pm. And thought it was the carbon monoxide detector going off.
l avoided that man for months if l saw him in town. l didn't know what the hell l was going to say if he asked if the 'new one' was ok....

Worked in a clothing store for years in my younger days and one thing I felt I got incredibly good at was spitting shoplifters.

This woman came to the fitting rooms with 6 items to try on. She left the fitting rooms and gave me back 6 items but with a pair of the shops jeans and cardigan on herself and put her own clothes on the hanger!! She was clever how she handed me them back, the hangers all tangled up with her old clothes in the middle. Luckily I spotted it....she's tied the clothing tags you use to scan at the till onto her old clothes....that makes it more legit

For some bizzare reason she wanted to buy something to and made her way over to the till.

I immediately radioed through to security who made their way over and I went to question her at the till....

Me' Excuse me but you've left your clothes on the hanger and you've got our clothes on?'

Shoplifter : 'erm no these are my clothes, those are yours?'

Me: 'erm no...these are from George (pointing out the label inside her sweaty clothes) and those (pointing at the clothes she's wearing) belong in this store. You've swapped them over

Shoplifter 'no these are my clothes, I walked in with them on. They belong to me'

Next minute security are in the building, they ask to look at cctv which we show no problem, proving she's swapped them over...police and called and she's arrested.

Honestly what was the point in that?!

One bloke came in once and just started putting bits of jewellery in this bag whilst staring at me smiling....again he's arrested

I used to work in building services in a local authority, scheduling jobs for repairs and so on. I had this woman phone up to book a gas boiler service. She gave me her address which I didn't recognise; after several years, I recognised most of the streets with council properties, but we had had new properties in new estates so assumed that it was a new house. I couldn't find it in the system. Thinking that is was perhaps a new property which hadn't been handed over from the developer yet, in which case she surely didn't need a service, i asked her whether it was a new house to which she answered no. After a few questions and several minutes of trying to interrogate the system in different ways, i eventually asked whether or not she lived in a council property or perhaps something like another social landlord like a housing association as there was one with a very similar name to the council. I was informed that, oh, no, theirs was a Bought House and had NEVER been a (horror) Council House. In which case, we couldn't service her boiler. She was very upset when I told her that we only serviced, repaired and improved our own properties and felt that we had therefore unreasonable in driving around in vehicles with decals asking "Have You Had Your Boiler Serviced? Phone XXXXXXXXX for your annual check."

When my mam's sister died l offered to deal with some of the paperwork and official stuff. One item which was a hospital appointment letter.
l rang the hospital and got through to a desk where they made the appointments for that department.
Me: Hello, l'm ringing on behalf of my aunt Mrs XX, she has an appointment on date at time. l'm afraid she's died recently, so l'd like to cancel the appointment, please.
Woman: Who's the appointment with?
Me: l'm afraid l don't know, the letter only details the date, time and department.
Woman: Well l need to know who the appointment is with before l can cancel it.
Me: l'm really sorry, l only have the information that's on the letter.
Woman: Well you'll have to ask your aunt who her appointment is with (!)
Me: That sounds like a good idea. Can you recommend a medium?

l think by then she realised what l'd said in the first place, and apologised. Thank goodness my mother hadn't rung them.

I'm loving all these! Wish I had something equally outrageous to contribute!

I used to work in a police control room and could tell stories until the cows come home but two of my particular favourites are a man calling 999 to report the Chinese had delivered a prawn chow mein when he'd ordered a plain chow mein as his wife didn't like prawns, the Chinese had offered to swap the dish and refund him but he had to go into the shop they wouldn't redeliver so he wanted the Police to deal with them! Advice given on the purpose of the 999 service. My second favourite was a regular offender/caller who was particularly unpleasant to all who came across him (putting it mildly) and as such was barred from various places including his local, on one occasion they wouldn't serve him and told him to leave he called the police to report they were being "disabilist" and it was because he was "a dwarf" the call recording system was down so he was advised "it's fuck all to do with you being a dwarf it's because you're an arsehole stop wasting our time and go to bed" he didn't call again for a while

Oh my god @CorBlimeyGovenor

Name change to protect the innocent. Working as back office staff in a busy health clinic, the fire alarm goes off mid-clinic. I dash out to help clear the waiting room and get most people moving down the stairs. One woman tells me that it's "awkward" to carry her pram out as we can't use the lifts so she's going to leave her baby asleep in the pram whilst everyone else troops out. I told her to carry her baby and leave the pram behind. I dread to think what the fire brigade would have made of a baby being left in a potentially burning building, probably a huge fine for the clinic and disciplinary measures for the fire wardens (I wasn't one but collective responsibility etc).

I used to work for a bank call centre.

One guy was let’s say £50 overdrawn. Got paid by his employer £200. And no matter how I explained it, and I was talking him through this for aaages, he could not understand how he only had £150 in his account. Last I heard from him he was going to go after his employer for underpaying him.

I also had a call from a very irate man who had rung up to check his balance, which was overdrawn. And was very angry that no one had tood him he was going to be going overdrawn. Because obviously we can see into the future and know what will be happening . And we have the time and resources to check every account every day. My comment that your money is your own responsibility did not go down well.

Another one that springs to mind was when I was working for a rail company, on board customer service. A fatality had occurred and so one line was shut, causing delays. A customer asked what was the hold up and I told him. ‘Well, can’t you just roll over him?’ was his reply.

Letting a house. Advertised as 2 bed with loft storage. Family turn up to view.
Mother: so we can use the loft as a bedroom.
Me: no. It's for storage. (No window, no heating and crucially it's a pull down ladder not a staircase) I explain this to them.
Mother: can we use it as a bedroom and not tell you
They didn't get the house.

Probably very outing, but I used to work for an adult newspaper. We used to get a vicar phone to complain about all the nudity in said newspaper. I advised him not to buy it if it caused such offence, to which his reply was "but it has the best sports coverage" so advised him to just read the last 10 pages 😂

I got a scam phone call once, one of those where they tell you your computer is being hacked and to turn it on. I only had my laptop in the property and it hadn't been used in weeks, so I knew it was a scam. I told him he was a scammer and he said no you are the scammer. I hung up on him and the phone rang straight away it was him again, he threatened me, telling me if I hung up again he would call the police and I would be charged £1,000. I kept hanging up and he kept phoning back instantly, this went on for an hour (I didn't have phone with caller ID and any of those calls could have been important for work) I tried everything to get rid of him, I even put my DD on the phone who was 2, he started singing Justin Beiber 'baby' to me at one point. In the end I called my dad from my mobile and he came up spoke to the guy who immediately called off and didn't phone back.
I was at home on my own with my DD and I was terrified, by the time my DF came to me, I was shaking and in tears. Afterwards I figured at least it was me and not some poor little old lady. I don't have a house phone anymore because of this.

@wheresthewine36 Go on, tell us! Who was it?

My H used to sell sportswear, A woman brought a tracksuit back saying it wasn't the right size, but on closer inspection the inside was covered in blood, all down the legs as if she's got her period unexpectedly.