To ask for your most "You couldn't make this shit up" stories...

[TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit]

I work for a retail company at our head office. We received a call from a man who wanted to exchange 2 garments as he bought the wrong size.

No problem.

I ask for the product codes on the labels.... took a while but he found them. All the while he is telling me that it is for his customers in Brazil. How he likes to get them presents, etc, etc. So sounds like a competent manager type, possibly business owner.

I ask what sizes does he have and what would he like to swap them for. This is when it got a little odd.

For some reason he just couldn't find the size on the label. Next minute I hear him shout:

"Jessica! Jessica! Susan!! Oi, I need a woman here! You woman know size labels! Susan!"

So 'Jessica' comes running up on the other side and finds the size for him. It's a size 3-4 kids t-shirt.

Then he starts saying to 'Jessica': "This won't fit, will it? Do you think it will fit?" 'Jessica' sounds unsure.

Next minute I hear him shout: "Bring me a child! Get me a 3 year old! Yes, yes, just get me a child! A 3 year old!"

He says: "Turtle, I'll phone you back in a minute" and puts the phone down

Dumbfounded, we're all wondering what the hell kind of business this man is in if he can just conjure up a child of a specific age? My colleagues make me promise to ask him his business, just to put our minds at rest.

He never phoned back! I guess it fit the 3 year old child they found for him?

It was just such a bizarre conversation. Have you had any weird or wonderful stories to tell?

I have a few from years of teaching, but the most amusing one:

Hot day, almost home time, class of 5-7 year olds sat on carpet, I'm reading them a story.

A parent, known to me, comes in through playground doors and sits down on a chair at the back of the class. Highly unusual, but I figure that it's hot, maybe she's feeling a bit unwell, so I keep half an eye on her and carry on reading.

I ask the kids a question (probably vocab related to what we've just read). I pick a child to answer, then notice the parent has put her hand up. I listen to child, then look at the parent, she shakes her head in a "it's not important" kind of way.

Read a bit more, ask another question. Parent raises hand again. Repeat scenario another couple of times. Final question, parent is now almost bouncing on the small chair waving her hand to get my attention, just as my TA reappears.

I finally ask, "yes Mrs Jones, how can I help? It seems urgent..."

Mrs Jones, "Oh no! It's just that I know the answers to your questions!"

Lovely TA very quickly intervenes and explains that perhaps the questions are for the children to answer and herds her outside, whilst Mrs Jones tells the TA the answer to the questions.

Class looks a bit bemused then George* pipes up, "well, she not wrong is she?"

I took a call from a man who was asking some advice. I started explaining the solution to him when he says "sorry MrsJack, one of my wives is hoovering (he holds phone away from his mouth -Wife number 2, stop hoovering!!!) Sorry MrsJack, please continue 😯

Loving these

I used to work for The prudential, I didn’t answer the phone but was asked to one day to help out ( probably due to having a vagina as non of the Male Financial advisors were asked). I took a call from a lady asking for someone to go around and handle her claim for her husbands life insults he had died. I did all the “sorry for your loss” etc and said I needed a few details. I asked for the cause of death as per the death certificate and she said she didn’t know, I suggested she check the death certificate, she said she didn’t have one yet but was sure the Do tor would give her one WHEN HE CAME. I was a bit baffled until I realised that she hadn’t called the Doctor anyone else, he had died in the night and the first call she had made was to us about his life insurance!!
I suggested she phone her GP and call back once she had the death certificate, she asked if I could send someone out with the paperwork for her to sign in the meantime. I just said that I would pass it to her local rep (who wasn’t me thank God) and hung up

Life insurance as he had died!

'll sue you when I'm dead!

That fact escaped him.

Another customer had an agreement that if we couldnt fix her appliance we would refund up to a year of payments they had made to us. We couldnt fix her washer. She only recently added to the agreement and had yet paid anything for the washing machine.

It took 45 minutes to convinced her that 100% of zero, was zero. She accept she had paid zero payments and accept we would refund what she had paid us. But still could grasp the 100% of zero is zero. In the end I offered to send her a cheque for zero amount. She was happy with that.

A tenant sent me 6 months worth of grass clippings carefully taped to a piece of paper and labelled to show the gardener wasn't cutting the grass regularly!

Oh my god! People are bonkers! I suspect my customer may have had a few wives too. Either that or his business was women and children.... and Brazil...? Doesn't bear thinking about.

I love the zero cheque.

I am British born, never lived anywhere else, I had a tourist ask me (I worked in a tourist attraction) whether I was 'familiar' with pounds sterling as she needed help working out her change so she could pay for something. Even her husband looked embarrassed for her.

I used to work for an on line e-cig company, did the technical support & some other customer calls. Someone called & said their new battery was faulty & he wanted a refund, so as per process got him to send it back for testing.

Battery comes back looking very "used", e.g. scruffy looking exterior & dirt in the threads etc. Check the sales database & discover that this customer had last ordered a battery from us almost a year ago. Call him back stating this, he immediately started screaming & swearing down the phone at me, and saying he was going to "come down & sort you out you fucking c**t". I looked round at my 6'4 boss, his 6'2 father, and the rather large guard dog lying on my feet, and was SO tempted to say "yes, come & do that"

Worked in a sports shop 20-odd years ago. Young man came in but tried on women's trainers. Later that day then took a phone call, recognised the voice as the same man who had been in earlier, asking if we had a certain women's trainer in and was it narrow fitting? I said yes it was - too narrow for a man. Line went quiet, then heard some obvious sex noises as man was having a ham shank down the phone.

Also in same shop, we noticed one of the T-shirts on sale was covered in 💩💩. Someone had bent down and wiped their backside on it.

Meant to add - when I passed the call on to the MALE boss, i.e. one with a penis, the customer was sweet as pie to him. Sadly for him, boss had overheard most of it as the guy had been screaming so loud & boss sat next to me

Envelope of pubes! 😂😂😂

A customer demanded a rush job on her soft furnishings and extra attention to detail.

We felt a bit baffled as we had very high standards and treated all customers the same. The order time was just what it was for everyone.

Turned out the Queen was coming to visit in a private capacity and this customer was just just like all of us - making sure her place look the best it could for friends coming over. We were then more understanding of the customers panic.

Place marking for now

I'll try to single out some which are for for human consumption, but most of mine involve our asinine Council and probably wouldn't be believed, even though perfectly true

Once worked in a clothing shop. Elderly Lady of crutches goes into changing room. Awful smell. She leaves shops clothes on the floor in a pile. Pick them up and she's wiped her arse on them! But no sign on a turd. Our manager sends us all on a game of hunt the turd. Eventually it was found rolled up in a t shirt shoved at the back of a shelf.

One of my team (complaints desk at a bug company) had a customer who told her to come outside. I started listening in and he told shevhad got 4 buses after googling where were based and she was to come outside and talk to him face to face and he would show her who was in charge.

She politely asked where he was, did he mean actually outside the building. He said 'yes in Sheffield's she just replied 'I am very sorry you got all those buses, by I am based in leeds. But my manager is calling security at that building to come out and assist you' . He swiftly apologised and said he had to go.

Another customer called because he owed money and started tell us how he ahdnt paid because he was in hospital, had been for 6 months and was only just well enough to make a call. He was still in hospital. It was a local hospital, with a leeds area code. He was calling from wakefield a nearby city. I googled the number and it was the phone for a pub I know well in the city centre. I mentioned that his number was coming up as a pub in wakefield and he admitted it and paid the outstanding amount straight away. To be fair he was really nice about it and told me 'well it was worth a try'

This is soooo outing if his wife is on here....... I work in the sewage industry, sell spare parts for septic tanks etc once customer regularly calls and orders 4 of the same pump. He calls them 'dirty water' pumps and regularly asks me to say 'dirty water' because he loves how it sounds in my Scottish accent.

Last time he called he told me his wife said he is not longer allowed to ask us to say that and he doesn't know why

@Mumsymumphy

Do you think that we worked in the same place? My experience was also 20 years ago. We also had a regular male customer shopping for women's shoes. 😂

Our manager sends us all on a game of hunt the turd

Wow.

Another customer of mine told me I needed to give him £200 as a gesture if goodwill. His best friend worked at our regulator and had promised him, if he took the complaint that he would prioritise it and make sure he got thousands in compo.

I got the name of the friend out of him (turned out I knew the friend) and pointed out what the friend had promised was illegal and we need to report him as it was clear the regulator had staff acting illegally and not being neutral and making decisions without making looking at the situation.

The customer, shockingly, started backing down and claiming he didnt quite say that. I then told him, that I knew and had worked with the man he mentioned and ibwoild pick it up with him.

I worked with the regulators, very closely, so did make sure the man in question was aware that this had happened. I couldn't give him the name of his friend but I think he knew who it was. He wasnt happy.

Do you think that we worked in the same place? My experience was also 20 years ago. We also had a regular male customer shopping for women's shoes.

Mum worked on the phone for a small catalogue company. They regularly had a man who rang up to talk about womens shoes and have a wank. They all just used to take the piss out of him and hang up. This was many years ago.

I was behind a couple in the queue at Nespresso who were returning their machine because "it's broken". Sales assistant pulled out the tray and pointed out that they needed to empty the used capsules out occasionally

These are brilliant.

I have a question .....
She wanted to xray a chicken bone inside a melon
She didn't book it in the end
How much does an X-ray actually cost then?

I temped as a receptionist some years ago
One day someone rang to complain that 'the river is a funny colour'. I couldn't decide if it was a genuine mistake and they'd meant to ring the Water Board or the rivers authorities, someone just pranking or if they really thought that we'd contaminated the river. It wasn't a place that would pump out industrial waste, it was just an office and a warehouse.