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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask for your most "You couldn't make this shit up" stories...

357 replies

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 25/07/2019 14:15

I work for a retail company at our head office. We received a call from a man who wanted to exchange 2 garments as he bought the wrong size.

No problem.

I ask for the product codes on the labels.... took a while but he found them. All the while he is telling me that it is for his customers in Brazil. How he likes to get them presents, etc, etc. So sounds like a competent manager type, possibly business owner.

I ask what sizes does he have and what would he like to swap them for. This is when it got a little odd.

For some reason he just couldn't find the size on the label. Next minute I hear him shout:

"Jessica! Jessica! Susan!! Oi, I need a woman here! You woman know size labels! Susan!"
Hmm
So 'Jessica' comes running up on the other side and finds the size for him. It's a size 3-4 kids t-shirt.

Then he starts saying to 'Jessica': "This won't fit, will it? Do you think it will fit?" 'Jessica' sounds unsure.

Next minute I hear him shout: "Bring me a child! Get me a 3 year old! Yes, yes, just get me a child! A 3 year old!" Shock

He says: "Turtle, I'll phone you back in a minute" and puts the phone down Shock

Dumbfounded, we're all wondering what the hell kind of business this man is in if he can just conjure up a child of a specific age? My colleagues make me promise to ask him his business, just to put our minds at rest.

He never phoned back! Shock I guess it fit the 3 year old child they found for him?

It was just such a bizarre conversation. Have you had any weird or wonderful stories to tell? Grin

OP posts:
ellesworth · 27/07/2019 06:51

I've worked in retail and in a care home working with dementia. I have a few.

Working in Poundland and a man comes in, quite a big guy, booming voice. Looks at the group of us that were tidying two sections side by side (it was a small shop) and comes out with "EXCUSE ME LOVE, DO YOU HAVE ANY OF THOSE INCEST STICKS?"
Colleagues scatter giggling and I'm left showing him the incense sticks and trying not to laugh.

Working in Spar and a man comes in and asks me for plugs. I tell him we don't sell them, he's adamant that we sold them last time. Supervisor who is beside me agrees that we have never sold plugs and suggest the DIY shop across the town. He looks at us and goes "No, women's plugs!" He wanted tampons.

Working with dementia is hilarious. My favourites were:
Serving dinner one night, dinner is breaded chicken.
Man 1: Oh sorry I don't fancy fish tonight.
Man 2: it's no fish, it's chicken you dozy b***d!

Another time I was talking to my colleague about her upcoming hen night. Didn't realise that a resident was nearby and said "I saw the perfect banner online - said 'same penis forever'" Resident behind me leaned down and said "it might be the same one but there are lots of things you can do with it!". I lost it.

ZazuMoon · 27/07/2019 06:57

@joyfullittlehippo I wasn't as familiar with the inner workings of the Angolan constitutional organisation as I might have been back then 😀 Nowadays that assertion would be instantly checkable but sheer bewilderment and fear of getting lost kept me there politely looking at those documents.

TinyTickler · 27/07/2019 07:22

Our cat went missing and turned up dead a couple of months later. Had him cremated. Rehomed 2 cats a few weeks later as a favour for a colleague.

6 months later got a call from the vets. A cat had been handed in, and it was our original cat who was definitely not dead.

No idea whose cat we cremated.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 27/07/2019 08:16

@clarissa469

Grin
katseyes7 · 27/07/2019 09:06

Someone l know posted on twitter that
"The dog has brought the cat in, and laid him on the rug in the family room, in front of the children.
The cat died last week, and we buried him in the garden. l am now on the gin."

malificent7 · 27/07/2019 10:07

I bet the lady who wanted an xray inside a melon was studying radiography! Im a radiography student and this sounds like the kind of crazy thing a dissertation is made of!

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 27/07/2019 10:11

I work in the local council in a seaside town, and someone called me yesterday to ask what the weather looked like out the window as she fancied a day out but only wanted to come if it was sunny.

Purplealienpuke · 27/07/2019 11:07

Call centre, I answered the phone. Lady said she wanted to complain about our engineer. I was surprised, knowing that particular engineer. I asked what the problem was.
He had asked to use her toilet, she said yes. She was complaining about the smell he'd left 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Quite what she wanted me to do I've no idea. He hadn't left a mess, just a smell....

Mammajay · 27/07/2019 11:21

I worked in an upmarket solicitors office in the reception!Very posh woman phoned and asked to be put through to a solicitor. His phone was engaged so she agreed to wait. Tbh I forgot she was waiting,but then remembered and she was still waiting. She was mad! She said she wanted to be put through to my superior to make a complaint. I replied,in my poshest voice, Madam, there is no-one superior to me! And cut her off. I was nervous for a couple of days but never heard anything more about it

Mammajay · 27/07/2019 11:23

Purple I have seen mn threads of people complaining about tradesmen asking to use their toilet!

TheFridgeRaider · 27/07/2019 11:30

@Purplealienpuke bet you she is on MN! 😂

Shakennotshook · 27/07/2019 12:07

My gran who does not have a computer got a scam phone call a few years ago. The guy kept telling her she had a problem with her windows and she got more and more enraged by him not explaining what the problem was Grin she finally realised her double glazing was fine after about 10 minutes...

joyfullittlehippo · 27/07/2019 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

countrygirl99 · 27/07/2019 14:02

DS used to work at an entertainment facility that had special awards to staff who had "gone the extra mile" in customer service - gold, silver and bronze. A customer collapsed and DS resuscitated and give heart compressions until the ambulance arrived, the customer survived. DS got a bronze award!

FatThor · 27/07/2019 14:10

@malificent7 I'm a radiography student too and I would totally love to X ray things inside melons for the hell of it 😂

colbyandmontysmum · 27/07/2019 14:17

I worked for a small business that had a marquee sign in front of the building facing the street. My boss would put awful "Dad" jokes on it (think "Recipe said prick with a fork but enough about me" sort). We always had people come in to laugh and comment about them. One day he put a little advertisement about the business on the sign. The next day, he received a complaint letter from someone saying how they liked to walk past the building so they could read the sign as it lifted their spirits (which was nice, my boss loved hearing how the sign would make people happy). But then the letter got darker when they stated that, unless the sign changed soon, they would be forced to do something about it. He showed the letter to all of us asking us what we thought. It was concerning as there were a lot of flammables around. My boss changed the sign after that and I think he's kept it funny ever since.

Lily019 · 27/07/2019 17:43

Aged 15 I had a Saturday job in a tiny flower shop in my home town. One afternoon the owner left me in charge while she popped out to deliver some flowers. Hot sunny day, the shop door was wedged open. As I sat behind the counter,and elderly,posh looking couple appeared in the doorway and the lady just stopped and stared and stared at me. After a very uncomfortable few moments,I ventured to say "Hello, can I help you with anything?" The posh looking lady ( the twin set and pearls type) replied quite aggresively.."Yes you filthy little slut. Stay the fuck away from my son or I'll have you deported" and shuffled off...Seems funny now but as a very shy 15 year old I was really creeped out by it.

AltheaVestr1t · 27/07/2019 17:49

DS has a pretty severe egg allergy. Not anaphylactic but will result in lots of vomiting and pain. Even a tiny amount will set him off. Went to restaurant once and asked if a certain dessert had eggs. Were assured no. Dessert arrived with a slab of cake in the bowl. Enquired if the cake had eggs. We were told yes the cake had eggs but he could not eat that bit. 🙄 After arguing the toss they eventually took it away and brought us a slice of melon. When the bill arrived we were charged full price for the dessert.

ysmaem · 27/07/2019 18:06

I remember my friend owned a hairdressing salon and she was redecorating and had a skip situated outside. One night a local woman was high as a kite was stumbling home when she decided she needed a poo there and then and took a handful of ripped up wallpaper from the skip to wipe her nasty arse with and then chucked the shitty wallpaper back in the skip. All of this was caught on CCTV 🤢

loveyou3000 · 27/07/2019 18:23

Worked in a cafe part time a while ago as I have a child, was just getting back into work after mat leave and MH issues. I was on the Young side, but I've always looked about 5 years younger than I really am (recently it was assumed at a neighbour's BBQ that I was in the same class as their 12 year old DD by an attendee of the BBQ).
This cafe sold cupcakes, small family business with a teeny kitchen. We did make some dairy free cakes, nut free etc. But always stressed we could never ensure that there were not traces in the things we made as we used brand name chocolate from factories that state "may contain traces" etc. On the packaging, was not an in-kitchen issue. If you can't eat a Mars bar because it may contain traces of nuts, a cake made with Mars bars on them won't be okay for you to eat either. Had to explain that a few times.

A mother other comes in with a child about 7 or 8. She asks us if we have any dairy free AND soya free cakes as her DD was allergic to both. I calmly stated "um, no sorry, we do have dairy free cakes but they are made with soya alternatives".
This wasn't acceptable as she demanded we make her child something without either in, I replied we don't bake the cakes the owners do, we just work here out front. Bosses weren't in (bless them they were working 2nd jobs as the business was going under, love a bit of gentrification /s). Only other girl working was 16 y/o and very anxious.

Mum went on a rant about how we didn't cater for all allergies and demanded to see the allergen sheet. She then ranted about how we couldn't even ensure there wasn't contamination from dairy in ANY of our cakes.

She said "you'd understand if you had kids!" I replied that I did, and she laughed and said "sure you do".

Later had a rather charming trip advisor review about how we ("little girls") had treated her and could have hospitalised or killed her child. She also posted this on Facebook, which we wouldn't have seen had her husband, whom she had tagged in her post, not known the father of the 16 year old I worked with, joys of living in a small town.

Can laugh about it now but both of just went in the back and cried after that, we'd been told we were both losing our jobs right before Christmas as they were to close down and she was very irate and nasty, was a bit much at the time. Her daughter had looked mortified the whole time and kept reassuring her mum she didn't even want a cake anymore!

Also had a lady complain because we wouldn't kick out the man with rather severe learning difficulties who was "staring at her" and making her uncomfortable. He was not, he stared into space as he was partially blind, and his carer took him there every other day and he had never been any trouble. Also left a bad review for us.

Another amusing review was a 1* because we didn't sell peanut butter cup cupcakes!
And people moaning about paying £1.80 for a cappuccino, even after reiterating that I as an employee did not set the prices and that the coffees were made with the same machines chain coffee stores made at a significantly lower price than they sold them for.

A few people who ate their whole meal (just paninis, chips, Jacket potatoes etc.) and wanted refunds after because they didn't enjoy it.

My friends worked at the local Starbucks, and had a man who drank his coffee, left, then came back 3 hours later to complain that it had been cold when he drank it and wanted a refund.

The entitlement of people never ceases to make me laugh!

olbndansmummy · 27/07/2019 19:28

Not my tale, but my lovely mil, I was there at the time and it still makes me cry laughing. She got a call from a very, very pushy double glazing salesman trying to sell her a conservatory. She kept saying she wasn't interested but he really didn't want to hear no. Eventually she said ok come and give me a quote. Great he said, what's your address? She said flat 7. He said sorry what? She said I live on the 7th floor, but if you want to come and quote me for one be ny guest. His parting shot was "fucking timewaster" and put the phone down.
She didn't live on 7th floor, but funny thing is she never got another call from any double glazing firm, he obviously told everyone not to bother!

TheFridgeRaider · 27/07/2019 19:37

@loveyou3000 oh yes. The famous "It was disgusting and inedible" when they polished off the plate and told waitress checking on them after they got their food that it was fine ...

I had a woman eat over half of her foot long sub and then come back screaming there is a hair in it and she wants refund for hers and her daughter's meals. We all had dark brown hair. No one even remotely blond worked there. Hair was obviously just put on top. Her daughter had blond hair. Women huffed and walked away after I pointed it out. Daughter was visibly blushing.

"Can I just have plain grilled chicken fillet and no salt on fries?"
Review followed. 2* "The food was nothing extra. Very bland. Needs more seasoning"

I used to like people before my decade in hospitality 😂

QueenofCBA · 27/07/2019 19:39

New accountancy client: How should I record the money I get off the books for you?

Mammajay · 27/07/2019 21:47

We had been living in our house 7 years when one day there was a knock at the door. The woman asked if Mrs W was in. I thought she must be a relative of Mrs W. I said, I am really sorry. Mrs W died. We bought the house. Oh, she replied, I'm her gp. I'll take her off my list then!

CorBlimeyGovenor · 27/07/2019 21:57

@countrygirl99

Am laughing so much!! You really couldn't make it up!

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