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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wish that DP wasn't such a sex pest!

281 replies

AbiMcNabbi · 24/07/2019 23:49

My DP is relentless! We have sex about twice a week, more if we feel like it but I've noticed lately that if we go for more than a few days (last time was on Friday) that he starts to make comments "The warmth on this blanket is the only heat I get in the bedroom these days" etc.
He actually said to me that after we'd gotten the all clear after his vasectomy that he assumed we'd have more sex. He's always mauling me, undoing my bra if I hug him or squeezing my boobs. He makes the suggestion of having sex every day!
It's been really really hot here the last few days and I'm about due my period - both of those for me just scream "I'm not in the mood"
I said to him last night that surely it's the quality on sex we have (which he always says is good) and not the quantity. I just want a hug sometimes with him touching my boobs or elsewhere!
He took a photo of me and our DS, I was just sat in my shorts and a crop top so asked him not to get me in the photo but he did anyway and said "That'll keep me warm"

AiBu??

OP posts:
SavingSpaces2019 · 25/07/2019 14:31

It never ceases to amaze me when i see/hear/read women minimising controlling and abusive behaviour from their partners.
This 'lack of respect' is actually symptomatic of his abusive attitude and behavior.

we definitely watch his preference of film/TV show. I don't think he's ever offered to watch a film with me that I wanted to see
Due to its insidious nature, abuse doesn't have to be overt/in your face for it to exist.
This is why a lot of things make 'sense' only when you look back at the things you were socialised to brush off as being 'petty', 'not that big a deal in the grand scheme of things'.
Dig deeper - there will be more to discover.

He sees you as an object to be owned and used as, when and how HE pleases.
You don't exist as an autonomous human being in his mind.
This is why he laughs in your face when you try to validate yourself.
This is why he has no respect for you or your body.
In his mind you're the 'little woman' who is easily manipulated and he proves this to himself everyday.
He doesn't even bother pretending to hear you, that's how huge his ego is.

He CHOOSES to use coercive techniques to grind you down into acquiescing.
He's ensuring that you can't do right for doing wrong, so anytime you try to set boundaries he will twist that into being the 'cause', so it will always be your fault that you 'can't handle' his perception of 'normal'.
He knows how to gaslight you.

Pestering you for sex even after you've made it clear how you feel about his behaviour, should tell that you that this guy is NOT a good man.
His other characteristics - making you laugh, 'helping' you round the house etc DO NOT 'make-up' for his otherwise abusive behavior.
I guess he would be happy for his mother/sister/daughter to be treated like this by a man?

Stop making excuses for him.
He needs professional help - or dumping if he won't change his ways.

TruthOnTrial · 25/07/2019 14:31

yes that’s awful

Agreed. Flowers

But OPs situation might just require a chat? You havent said its awful, only concession 'if' [he is a rapey bastard]

mussolini9 · 25/07/2019 14:36

But OPs situation might just require a chat? You havent said its awful,

The OP's husband laughed at her when she objected to his mauling.
When she had a serious conversation with him about how much she hates being pawed at, he stuck his hand down her pants.

Is that serious enough for you?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 25/07/2019 14:37

I’m not surprised you’re turned off OP. It would me too. I need to feel desired, not to be made to feel like a piece of meat.

I know couples need a healthy sex life (;my opinion), yours sounds healthy, but if he carry’s in like this, it won’t be. He needs to understand how his behaviour affects yoy

MarianaMoatedGrange · 25/07/2019 14:37

The groper apologists on here are doing my head in. Luckily there are also posts from women who (unfortunately) have suffered the same, and very wisely left their gropey, entitled twats of 'partners'.

sprouts21 · 25/07/2019 14:39

I'm horrified by some of the comments here about mismatched sex drives. This is the sort of thing said to me by well meaning friends when I confided that I was being groped and assaulted in my sleep.

I think it's very telling that he responded to your conversation by trying to put his hand in your underwear. That was him asserting his right to continue and I'd expect this to escalate further unfortunately.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 25/07/2019 14:39

He needs to understand how his behaviour affects yoy

He doesn't care how it affects OP.

ConkerGame · 25/07/2019 14:49

I suppose I’m assuming there is something good about him as they are married with a child. If this was a boyfriend I would definitely be on board with just dumping but presumably OP wouldn’t have married him and had his child if he has always been awful...(although perhaps I have presumed incorrectly). I’m hopeful for her that they can get things back on track.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 25/07/2019 14:51

I’m hopeful for her that they can get things back on track

They????? OP isn't a gropey sex pest.

Belenus · 25/07/2019 14:52

Hopefully that will settle him down as he won’t be so fearful of not having sex as he knows it’s guaranteed on x days, and hopefully you will relax and enjoy it more knowing you won’t get pressured to do it on “off” days.

And how pressured will the OP feel knowing that she has to have it on Friday Saturday and Wednesday? How pressured will she feel saying "actually I know it's Wednesday but I feel really ill?" He's already demanding. Do you really think if she offers him set days he will acquiesce if she says "No". Because I don't.

Jesus wept. No healthy relationship requires scheduled in, guaranteed sex days. It's a marriage, not an arrangement with a brothel. What kind of person wants to have sex with someone who is anything less than willing? What kind of person, when told "no" starts groping? What kind of person can enjoy sex when it's anything other than absolutely willing?

Chochito · 25/07/2019 14:57

My ex was like that.

He's my ex.

ConkerGame · 25/07/2019 15:00

@mariana yes, it’s a marriage. It requires input from both people. Yes he needs to stop the groping, no two ways about it. But yes she also needs to work out a compromise re sex (or leave). I don’t believe it’s ok to expect a spouse (male or female) to be trapped in a marriage where they’re deeply unhappy with their sex life. The OP is clearly aware that leaving is an option. But she’s asking for alternatives.

53rdWay · 25/07/2019 15:20

Maybe if he didn’t grope her all the time and instead gave some indication that he cares about what she does and doesn’t like, she’d be more inclined to have sex with him? Scheduled sex days, ugh.

PositiveVibez · 25/07/2019 15:28

Calling someone's DH a disgusting pig for wanting regular sex with his wife that he finds very attractive

What are some people missing here?????

That is not the issue AT ALL.

The issue is that the OPs husband has no respect whatsoever for her boundaries.

If my daughter came home and told me she had told her husband that it upsets her when he mauls and paws her and his response was to stick his hand down her knickers and request sex, I would be telling her to leave him sharpish.

He grabs her breasts. Unfastens her bra, shoves his hands down her knickers, pester for sex. All unwarranted, unwanted and violating.

He IS a disgusting pig.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 25/07/2019 15:29

But yes she also needs to work out a compromise re sex

Her partner won't listen to her. He doesn't want compromise. He wants to treat OP like a wank toy.

notacooldad · 25/07/2019 15:35

Yuck!!
It's nice to feel wanted but what's happening to you isnt that, it's about his wants and with no respect to you.
I can understand why you are upset.

53rdWay · 25/07/2019 15:36

The frequency of sex is separate to the groping issue. Maybe if he was less intent on pestering and pawing she’d want sex with him more often. Who knows? He doesn’t, because he won’t stop.

And it’s clearly WON’T stop. Not CAN’T stop. Not “alas I am not getting laid as much as I’d like so I can’t physically restrain myself from undoing her bra.” He’s a human, not a chimp.

jennymanara · 25/07/2019 15:39

Frequency of sex is not an issue to compromise on. When people say this what they really mean is that the person who does not want to have sex as often, should have sex some of the time when they do not want to, to please their partner.
That compromise is in reality advocating rape.

CTRL · 25/07/2019 15:43

Honestly don’t know how you’ve put up with this behaviour for so long.

I was recently dating someone who was EXACTLY the same. It was disgusting and his piggish behaviour made me feel nothing sexual towards him. Just disgust and we broke up. Still to this day I believe he has a sex addiction.

Urgh seriously I think he thought he was being sexy and making me feel desired. But it backfired and we never did sleep together and from now on my guard is up about anyone who is so sex crazy.

DecomposingComposers · 25/07/2019 15:44

This reply has been deleted

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PsGal · 25/07/2019 15:50

I've ended up in a similar situation OP. Unfortunately we ended up scheduling in days and now he expects it regardless. For example. Last night we argued about apparently I don't wear anything nice for him anymore and he likes it when I seem like I'm putting an effort in. This was all said as I lay on the bed fully naked trying to be seductive. Not to mention the fact I have actually been wearing nice things, I only haven't this week as it's been too hot to wear anything.

This made me feel like he was making a dig and didn't turn me on so I said it's now off the cards tonight. He's told me today I have to find a way of doing it as he can't move on from our argument without it.

May I add I'm extremely depressed because of my relationship but I don't have the strength to leave as I always hold on to the "good things". Therefore my sex drive is next to none. Sorry for hijacking. I didn't want to create my own thread Thanks

TruthOnTrial · 25/07/2019 15:52

So whats your point on here then decomposing

Are you denying this woman's experience?

Do you know what it feels like to be shoved intona corner with a drunk tongue shoved right down your throat, or pestered all night for sex?

How is this about other threads.

Why would you try to talk about other threads in here, or make OPs post about something else other than directing responses to her questions?

MarianaMoatedGrange · 25/07/2019 15:55

He's told me today I have to find a way of doing it as he can't move on from our argument without it

Ah the words of a loving, respectful partner Hmm

MarianaMoatedGrange · 25/07/2019 15:56

Bold fuck up - my bad!

53rdWay · 25/07/2019 15:58

Flowers PsGal. It’s never too late to leave.