To wish that DP wasn't such a sex pest!

[AbiMcNabbi]

My DP is relentless! We have sex about twice a week, more if we feel like it but I've noticed lately that if we go for more than a few days (last time was on Friday) that he starts to make comments "The warmth on this blanket is the only heat I get in the bedroom these days" etc.
He actually said to me that after we'd gotten the all clear after his vasectomy that he assumed we'd have more sex. He's always mauling me, undoing my bra if I hug him or squeezing my boobs. He makes the suggestion of having sex every day!
It's been really really hot here the last few days and I'm about due my period - both of those for me just scream "I'm not in the mood"
I said to him last night that surely it's the quality on sex we have (which he always says is good) and not the quantity. I just want a hug sometimes with him touching my boobs or elsewhere!
He took a photo of me and our DS, I was just sat in my shorts and a crop top so asked him not to get me in the photo but he did anyway and said "That'll keep me warm"

AiBu??

Could there be a demension here that now your husband has been sterilised that he feels a need to prove his masculinity to himself?

I have read about it being more common for men to undertake extreme endurance sports and similar activities after a vasectomy for such reasons as there is a strong association for some men between their fertility and their sense of manlyness.

Probably best to sit down and try to work out what's going on.

Also a number of men have a longer lasting sensation of pressure or 'blueballs' once sterilised as the sperm no longer can be released and must be absorbed distending the epididymis. For most men that passes in six months at most though. However it may potentially feel like an urge for intercourse.

As I say best to sit down and really talk it through, and possibly reassure him, as well as making it clear that what he is doing is overwhelming and make you feel uncomfortable and pressurised.

As I say best to sit down and really talk it through, and possibly reassure him, as well as making it clear that what he is doing is overwhelming and make you feel uncomfortable and pressurised.

Well that went well the last time!
Wonder what he will do next time to prove he is listening?

@AbiMcNabbi
I just feel like shouting "FOR FUCK SAKE PISS OFF"
Maybe you should? Perhaps those very clear words might get through where other messages have not.

I agree you should sit down and have an in depth conversation....
about how he sees living alone as a divorced man, seeing the children every other weekend, because that would be where his behaviour is taking him.

All this stuff about maybe he feels emasculated, maybe hes unhappy.. that's all ignoring the fact that he is repeatedly grabbing OP when she has told him to stop. When she tells him to stop AT THE TIME he carries on pawing and mauling and grabbing. He is displaying absolute contempt for her.

And, yes, there is a 'scheduled days' method for couples with mismatched libidos, but it's not a matter of having to put out whether you want to or not, because it's Tuesday. When that method is used with couples who are both nice people but who have got into a difficult vicious circle where the lower-libido partner doesn't feel up to giving the high libido partner so much as a friendly pat on the arm in case it's taken as an invitation for sex to happen then something that can work is to agree that on eg Monday Wednesday or Friday, partner A can ask for sex, but it will only happen if partner B is willing. And on Tuesday/Thursday/Saturday, partner B can ask but sex only happens if A is willing. This can help a couple go back to being physically affectionate rather than every hug or touch being about sex - for the lower-libido partner, having three nights a week where the other person cannot ask for sex can take the pressure off.

But that doesn't work when one partner is abusive, like OP's H. He'd interpret his nights to ask as the nights she was obliged to open her legs, and her nights to ask as the nights she should open her legs without him asking.

Yes.
I think scheduled days can work well because you may not feel like sex in the middle of the daily grind, but some romance and intimacy time can lead to sex. With no obligation or coercion.

Scheduled days sounds a bit dire to me but I agree you do need to work at keeping up a mutually satisfying sex life, just like you need to work at any other aspect of your relationship. My DW and I agreed years ago that we should not go longer than a week without and we have pretty much kept to that apart from the immediate aftermath of childbirth. We've been together 30 years and we still have sex 2-3 times a week.

You don’t need to ‘work at keeping up a mutually satisfying sex life’ with someone who treats you like a walking vagina and laughs when you object.

Exactly. Scheduled days can work well in a good relationship. Not an abusive one.

Personally I think men or women with high sex drives like this begin to get a screwed up sense of reality. It's almost similar to people on drugs that start to think it's ok to take drugs when driving or shopping or visiting family. He's obviously thinking of sex round the clock. Bromide in tea I reckon!

There's high sex drive and there's pestering. Worse if physically pestering.
I think it's all about power and not sex, like rape.
And it's only one step towards it.

@AbiMcNabbi

I just feel like shouting "FOR FUCK SAKE PISS OFF"

Go for it, I would and push his hands away

There's high sex drive and there's pestering. Worse if physically pestering

Exactly Lweji They are different things. High sex drive doesnt automatically translate into pestering.
Pestering, pawing and mauling women to have their bodies is rapey.

Having a high sex drive, male or female, is a physiological phenomenon. Recent research has shown women have the higher drives which, based on some thinking on this thread would make women the rapists.

Maybe its like saying hunger urges must translate into stealing food. Just no, you go and sort yourself out with your own food, you dont steal other people's.

@53rd way - I was responding to the idea of scheduled days. I agree that the behaviours of the OPs partner is disgusting at best and sexual assault at worst. He sounds both immature and insecure. Most guys with higher sex drives than their partners have worked out how to deal with it, it's simple, if she is not up for it you either wait until she is or have a wank.

There's high sex drive and there's pestering.

Exactly. I have a fairly high sex drive. If my partner isn't up for it I respect his space and leave him alone. Pawing at him is unhelpful and demeaning and since I'm not actually a Bonobo I have the self control to leave him alone. We respect each other and can say no with no ill feeling so we have a much better sex life. It's not rocket science.

Pawing and mauling isn't about a high sex drive. It's about claiming ownership of someone else's body and it is morally repugnant.

OP, I think I've been there. I remember bursting into tears at the hairdresser's because the feel of his touch on my neck was so lovely, and I was so starved of touch that was unconditional. (Poor guy didn't know what was going on!) I couldn't initiate touch with DP because it would always lead to something, so the physical gulf just widened. And whenever we did have sex, i felt it was only every going to be a drop in the bucket of what I 'owed' him. He used to complain that I never initiated sex and I wanted to say 'If you leave me alone for a few days maybe I would!'

nearlynermal Your post resonates so much. I remember times when I desperately needed a hug but I couldn't, because it would turn into groping and then...

God, I love being single.

What do couples do who have mismatched sex drives? (Obviously discounting pesterers.)

I can see it would make one or t'other partner seriously unhappy to be told that any activity was off the cards for ever. Whose fault is it? Why should one partner leave? They're probably entirely happy with their home and dcs, just not with the marital situation.

Should the less enthusiastic partner be obliged to consider a solution or compromise?

If you have a mismatched sex drive, you either have a wank, or you split up.
TMI - but my DP is disabled. When he is ill sex is impossible, so I have a wank. If you don't want to do that, split up.
What you do not do is coerce your partner into sex.

Yes, you deal with it yourself or split up. Or have mutually agreed non monogamy. My boyfriend would actually be happy with the latter in order to deal with the fact that his drive is lower than mine, but I don't want that, so will probably end the relationship fairly soon (for context this is six months dating, not a long term partnership). It's a shame as he's lovely and the sex we do have is fabulous but nowhere near enough. But getting back to the point, as I said earlier in the thread and others have, what I don't do is paw at him.

What a vile abusive excuse for a man. LTB.

@IrmaFayLear That's a good question. I think (discounting pesterers and fairly new relationships) that you should keep at the relationship. No where in my wedding vows did I promise to "have unlimited sex with you, whenever you want, forever"

@Alconleigh Hmmm. After talking to DH about our situation I think he'd be up for that too I can't imagine having sex with another man whilst in a relationship.

@nearlynermal