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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish that DP wasn't such a sex pest!

281 replies

AbiMcNabbi · 24/07/2019 23:49

My DP is relentless! We have sex about twice a week, more if we feel like it but I've noticed lately that if we go for more than a few days (last time was on Friday) that he starts to make comments "The warmth on this blanket is the only heat I get in the bedroom these days" etc.
He actually said to me that after we'd gotten the all clear after his vasectomy that he assumed we'd have more sex. He's always mauling me, undoing my bra if I hug him or squeezing my boobs. He makes the suggestion of having sex every day!
It's been really really hot here the last few days and I'm about due my period - both of those for me just scream "I'm not in the mood"
I said to him last night that surely it's the quality on sex we have (which he always says is good) and not the quantity. I just want a hug sometimes with him touching my boobs or elsewhere!
He took a photo of me and our DS, I was just sat in my shorts and a crop top so asked him not to get me in the photo but he did anyway and said "That'll keep me warm"

AiBu??

OP posts:
Cosentyx · 25/07/2019 00:54

GROSS! This would turn me off so much. The mauling me would stop asap, sorry, I'd push his hands off and tell him, STOP treating me like a blow up doll! every single time. I dated a guy like this and man, it ended fast. He seemed to think I should be flattered he had the horn 24/7. It just reminded me of a dog chasing a bitch in heat and killed my perfectly normal sex drive.

Sorry but at the least I'd have a serious chat with him about boundaries and the groping and comments.

jacks11 · 25/07/2019 01:13

He needs to respect your boundaries and mauling you is not on. You need to tell him to stop and act if he doesn't- you don't have to, and should not, put up with that. If he cares about you he will address this behaviour- so tell him to stop and why. If he doesn't make changes... well, you know where you stand and what you should do.

It is difficult when one partner has a higher sex drive than the other (and quantity for some people is important, as well as quality), as it can lead to one partner feeling rejected and the other "pestered" for sex. Though I'm not sure that is the issue here, as clearly there's more going on. In any case, ultimately the partner who does not want sex has the final say and should not be pressurised. It may mean that the mismatch in sex drive is such that the relationship doesn't work, but it is never ok to pressurise or pester someone for sex.

AnotherAdultHumanFemale · 25/07/2019 01:58

It sounds awful to be honest OP.

You're a human being, not a sex toy and relationships are not just about sex. I'd talk to him about this and let him know how it makes you feel. If he continues well then it would probably best to leave, it sounds like he's not respecting your boundaries and also guilt tripping you into sexual contact that you don't want which is technically emotional and sexual abuse. Taking the photo of you and that comment he made is also a red flag of a boundary violator.

ReanimatedSGB · 25/07/2019 02:01

Someone who is constantly mauling and slobbering over a partner who is responding with a clear lack of enthusiasm; someone who is having pretty regular sex but moaning and sulking over any refusal... that's always going to be someone who prioritizes self over partner. Just how abusive, controlling and unpleasant such a person is tends to be, well, a matter of time.

feistymumma · 25/07/2019 02:05

My ex was like that squeezing my bum and grabbing my vagina when I was washing dishes or just relaxing. It was off putting. YANBU

EatenByDinosaurs · 25/07/2019 02:11

Revolting, and so disrespectful to you OP. Time to have a serious chat with him, not the kind of behaviour you want your DS witnessing and having normalized either. Eugh. Flowers

I too always give a shudder at the "can't keep hands off" thing.
My best friend's ex was like that, until she told him that in some parts of the world hands were removed for less.

Happynow001 · 25/07/2019 02:23

* "*The warmth on this blanket is the only heat I get in the bedroom these days"
I'm afraid my response would have been "Keep saying that and that's all the heat you will get!"

He doesn't get to maul you, or just assume you are constantly up for sex because had the snip.

I would find someone who acted like this deeply unattractive and the last person I'd want any intimacy with.

Absolutepowercorrupts · 25/07/2019 02:42

It's all about him isn't it? How much heat he's getting in the bedroom, Ignoring your wish not to be photographed so that he can have a photo to wank over. Treating your body as his possession, grabbing you, mauling you, putting pressure on you to have sex with him. His vasectomy seems to be more about how much more sex he can have rather than preventing a pregnancy.
What's in it for you op? In what way does this prince among men make you feel loved, cared for, valued or respected?

helacells · 25/07/2019 02:47

Bromide in his tea😂. No seriously they have maca and viagra to get things going. Why not something for the opposite?

Mincingfuckdragon · 25/07/2019 02:57

OP, if he behaved like that to a stranger he'd be liable to be prosecuted. Surely you deserve more respect than a stranger?

HaileySherman · 25/07/2019 03:50

Ugh....my husband (separated now for a year) was exactly this way. Constant remarks, pouting when i wasn't interested, etc. I didn't even realize it wasn't normal. Every hug, touch, etc would lead to sexual advance. We were together 18 years. Now that we're separated, I've actually thought happily that i may never have to have sex again. Reading your post makes me so mad because now i realize that 18 years of that may have made me irreparably asexual. I've believed now that I'll never have a DP again because I'll never want to be in the situation where I'm obligated to have sex on demand. I have no advice other than don't become me. I want to thank you for your post though, it was seriously eye opening for me.

Shoxfordian · 25/07/2019 05:49

He's treating you a sex doll not a real person with her own desires and agency over her body. It's sexist and disgusting. I've read so many similar posts on here and my advice is always to leave him. It's gross.

The comment about never watching a film you want is interesting too. Doesn't sound like he's compromising at all with what he wants but you're expected to compromise all the time. Not how it should be.

happilyseparated · 25/07/2019 07:22

@HaileySherman

I am in exactly the same position. When my split my husband accused me of being asexual.

I don't think I am I just think that the years of no touch without it leading to sex, the years of him having alcohol issues and having no sex unless it was him waking me up at midnight or later when he came to bed and expecting me to be enthusiastic. Of it being shit anyway because he was drunk all the time.

Or the years of grabbing me as I walked past or (as others have said) grabbing my boobs while I'm washing up.

In recent years there had been none - understandably he was upset about this but even when I tried to explain how I felt and say can we start low key cuddles etc build up to it it didn't get through.

It does make me feel like I don't want another relationship again because I'm scared of that side of it which I know is not normal!

Dieu · 25/07/2019 07:34

I would show him this thread, OP. Hopefully his reaction will be fitting, ie mortification!
Hope you're ok.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 25/07/2019 07:38

Revolting. As PP's have said let him read these responses and fully comprehend that you're not there to service his needs and that his behaviour is the biggest turn off imaginable.

I appreciate that people all have different sex drives and when you've a high one it can be tricky balancing it when your partner has a lower one; DH has a lower sex drive than I do and between us we find a happy balance because a) it's not my divine right to use his body for sex whenever I like and b) I respect that sometimes he's just not in the mood. I think he'd divorce me if I behaved like your DH, and rightly so.

There's nothing less sexy than being nagged into anything you don't want to do, particularly sex.

kitandkaboodle28 · 25/07/2019 07:46

Weirdly I posted a thread this week about my dp who is the exact opposite and rarely wants sex. People told me to LTB there too.....I think that's the go-to response on many a MN thread so I wouldn't take that suggestion too seriously.

What you've described does sound annoying but I think some of the comments here are a bit over the top. Can you just have a quiet word and explain that feeling pressured into it ruins it for you.

Guavaf1sh · 25/07/2019 07:46

Clearly there are very mismatched sex drives here. I don’t think it’s just the weather making him pester more than usual as I get the impression he’s always like this. Has the sex got less over time and he’s failed to adapt? Is he demanding it more and more? There is clearly that death spiral where your partner wants it more but because if their behaviour gets it less - and as so so many of these threads always conclude that is unfixable. It’s not a sin to want to have sex with your partner and it works both ways with women rejected by men too. It might be the best thing for him as well as for you to separate so you can find better matches partners.

Greeve · 25/07/2019 07:51

Obviously his sexdrive has increased and he is struggling with that. It is an incompatibility. What suggestions do you have which will permit him to have the intimacy he is craving without having to do something you don't want to do ? Surely you don't think he should just put up with not having sex as much as he wants to?

Sn0tnose · 25/07/2019 07:53

No, yanbu at all. Of course you aren’t.

Have you actually told him how it makes you feel? Or have you just shrugged it off? Tell him that he might think that constant groping and comments designed to guilt trip will result in you having sex with him, but actually, they’re having the opposite effect and making you start to feel dread when he comes near you.

Ask him if he really wants to have sex with you because he’s nagged you into it? Or wore you down? Or guilt tripped you? Will he enjoy it knowing that you’re not? If he says yes, or that he doesn’t mind, then that tells you everything you need to know.

Mismatched sex drives in a marriage aren’t ideal. Has it always been like this? Or is this a recent thing?

supersop60 · 25/07/2019 07:56

Greeve - not having as much sex as he wants to??????
Why is it all about him?
Yes, there is an incompatibility - but constantly mauling or moaning isn't going to make the OP anymore attracted to him, is it?

Sn0tnose · 25/07/2019 07:57

Surely you don't think he should just put up with not having sex as much as he wants to?.

Surely you don’t think one spouse should be having sex they don’t want to have?

SouthernComforts · 25/07/2019 07:59

The main thing I noticed in your OP is "he says it's good". If you don't think the sex is any good it's no wonder you don't want any more of it. Tell him to get his paws off you if all he can manage is a shit shag twice a week.

Greeve · 25/07/2019 08:00

@sn0tnose

I covered this:

What suggestions do you have which will permit him to have the intimacy he is craving without having to do something you don't want to do ?

wertuio · 25/07/2019 08:03

It’s a difficult experience having mis-matched sex drives. I know, i’ve been there.
It starts to feel as though, as the higher sexed individual, you only get sex as a reward. That your DP has all the power. 40+ years married and it’s only recently that we’ve truly found a balance between us. Not by reducing the action, but by DP discovering that they are allowed to enjoy it for themselves. It took us a long time to work out how to tell the difference between cuddles and foreplay too.

OP, talk to your husband, get some counselling together maybe. He needs to adjust his thinking about sex and to get rid of his entitlement issues. You may need to adjust your thinking about how you communicate your reluctance and how that may make him feel. It’s not good to feel rejected.

Greeve · 25/07/2019 08:03

I think that too many people see sex as a disgusting craving rather than a legitimate need in order for a person to thrive. I'm all about thriving - not surviving. I think solid steps should be taken to address a difference in sex drive, up to and including opening the relationship to permit the person who wants more sex to seek that elsewhere. So no, she shouldn't have to give him sex she doesn't want, but she needs to recognise the mismatched desires and not obstruct him from fixing it for himself.