To wish that DP wasn't such a sex pest!

[AbiMcNabbi]

My DP is relentless! We have sex about twice a week, more if we feel like it but I've noticed lately that if we go for more than a few days (last time was on Friday) that he starts to make comments "The warmth on this blanket is the only heat I get in the bedroom these days" etc.
He actually said to me that after we'd gotten the all clear after his vasectomy that he assumed we'd have more sex. He's always mauling me, undoing my bra if I hug him or squeezing my boobs. He makes the suggestion of having sex every day!
It's been really really hot here the last few days and I'm about due my period - both of those for me just scream "I'm not in the mood"
I said to him last night that surely it's the quality on sex we have (which he always says is good) and not the quantity. I just want a hug sometimes with him touching my boobs or elsewhere!
He took a photo of me and our DS, I was just sat in my shorts and a crop top so asked him not to get me in the photo but he did anyway and said "That'll keep me warm"

AiBu??

Oh my god some responses on here are unbelievable. Calling someone's DH a disgusting pig for wanting regular sex with his wife that he finds very attractive. OP you need to have a talk with him to explain your feelings. It's fine to have a high sex drive but he needs your consent and he needs to understand what you like and don't like. AIBU is not the place to slag your DH off unless you really don't like him.

Are you reading another thread?
WTAF?

AIBU is not the place to slag your DH off unless you really don't like him

What does this even mean.

OP is asking a very serious question - dont denigrate that to slagging him off
OP is very DNBU and perfectly at liberty to post in AIBU whether shes likes him or not.

Silly

vom

Another one here with an ExH who was a grabber.

Some people (mostly male people) see 'sex' as something binary. No such thing as 'bad sex', or 'unwanted groping', or 'making someone feel like they're a walking vagina rather than a human being' - it's all just sex. So he is trying to Do Sex and she does not want to Do Sex and therefore he's not in the wrong, there's nothing wrong with sex! The poor man, being insulted for merely wanting sex with his partner!

Other people, particularly people who have been on the receiving end of this attitude, see a difference between 'healthy sexual relationship' and 'having someone shoving his hand into your knickers when you try to tell him you don't want this kind of groping'.

Sex pest is so the right word for this.

I have been continually pawed and thrusted at like he was a fucking dog.

He probably thought he was quite the kiddy with his tongue stabbing and arse pressing. The sex was shit, and he didnt have a clue, was literally just a low down sex pest.

also, men who see sex as something they're entitled to inflict on their partners via gropes and endless whining tend to be shit in bed. Probably not a coincidence.

Whats this about 'people'. No, women dont want sex forced on them by men

Some men are rapists, not people, men, penises rape.

I'm trying not to say 'it's always men, including the ones who post on here pretending to be women' because I've been deleted and told off for that before

90% of rape victims are female anyway, so men rape other men too.

Being a sex pest is rapey behaviour.

It tells you what your partner thinks of you.

You only need to indicate displeasure for someone to realise that something wasnt wanted.

If i rubbed intimately against my dh and he didnt respond, or turned away, that tells me, its unwanted, either at this time, or hes never going to respond to this approach.

Its not rocket science. some are deliberately thick

sex pest and . I don't think he's ever offered to watch a film with me that I wanted to see.

Whaaaat? Ugh.

Is this new? If not, What did you ever see in him?

I've never been so glad to be single!

And I love sex

OP, I'd run a mile from this

@TruthOnTrial This is exactly how I think. I have been the one who wanted sex and knew DH wasn't in the mood so backed right off. We were ttc DS and it was a fertile day but he looked like he really didn't want to do I said "You know what, fuck fertile day, you're not in the mood, which is totally fine" I kissed him and went to sleep. That's how it should be. If you're really that desperate at the time, I'd get myself off. DH NEVER masturbates, which I find quite strange. Maybe if he did, he'd not feel like constant niggle?

53rd sounds very odd!

Youve been deleted for saying men rape women (and other men)?

Sorry to hear that.

Rape is if

(a)he intentionally penetrates the vagina, anus or mouth of another person (B) with his penis,

(b)B does not consent to the penetration, and

(c)A does not reasonably believe that B consents

Note the words he/his and most notably penis (regardless of what he calls himself, whether wanting to id as a woman, for instance)

Take Stephen wood multiple rapist, changed named to Karen White and transferred to women's prison then raped 'as a woman' the female inmates. Still rape perpetrated by a male on a female.
Massive derail OP, sorry!

As you were, and hope you are ok.

Yuck, I'd find this really, really off-putting.

No, I’ve been deleted for accusing other posters of not being genuine when they say “it’s not just men, I am a woman and what about me? I too think men are entitled to sex and I just LOVE being groped without warning when I’m not in the mood!” and so on.

Reducing it to “you want sex this much and he wants sex that much” as pp have done misses out the whole dynamic of how horrible it is to be mauled and pawed and pestered constantly, and how that by itself can kill your sex drive dead.

This. I could be feeling like a cat on heat but if George Clooney approached me in the same way the OP's DP has been approaching her, I'd clamp my knees together pronto. It's not that he wants sex - it's the way he is demanding it. Sex is only ever any good for me if the other person wants it just as much. It is grim knowing that for some men the important thing is that they have sex and that how much their partner wants it is neither here nor there.

I probably have a slightly higher sex drive than my partner. Fortunately there's not much in it. If he says he's too tired we just cuddle and that's it. There's no pressure. If I found I was with someone who wanted far less sex than I did I would reconsider the relationship. But there will always be a time when one of you wants it and the other doesn't. If you respect, love and care for them you'll leave them alone, not paw at them and whinge about not getting any.

So many valid points on here.
There is a huge difference between playfully indicating your intentions to your partner and pestering them for sex.
One time, years ago, DH and I were talking in bed and he started grabbing my boobs, no kissing, no subtle seduction, just grabbed my boobs. I told him to stop and he did, straight away. It's never been brought up again or been an issue, or reoccurred. He called it a casual fondle but respected that I'm not into that.

He sounds like a catch op where can i find one

OP I think there’s two separate issues here: 1) your mismatched sex drive and 2) his awful groping of you. I think how you address this depends on whether he does the groping because he’s a rapey arsehole or because he’s trying to initiate more sex and going about it all wrong.

If he’s a rapey arsehole then the solution is clear: you leave. You deserve so much better than that and need to set better standards for yourself.

If he’s just going about foreplay the wrong way then I think you should: schedule in a serious conversation with him (don’t try to have it spontaneously when he’s just tried to grab you). Tell him that you realise your sex drives are currently mismatched and that must be hard for him - you are happy to look at solutions. BUT first, he absolutely MUST stop the groping. Explain how it makes you feel and how every time he does it your sex drive dies a bit more. Tell him what he needs to do to improve things (do more childcare or chores? Nice date nights that YOU enjoy?)

Then I would schedule in sex nights. Not the most romantic but I think it would really help you both. It would be a compromise amount (say 3 times a week if you want 1 or 2 and he wants 5 or 6?) and on days that are set in advance. Hopefully that will settle him down as he won’t be so fearful of not having sex as he knows it’s guaranteed on x days, and hopefully you will relax and enjoy it more knowing you won’t get pressured to do it on “off” days. Add in the proviso that if he does ANY of this gross behaviour going forward, he loses a scheduled sex day. Hopefully through this method you can find a way that works for you both. Otherwise, you might just not be well suited and better off apart. But at least you will have tried.

I kind of hope he moves on to someone who doesn't find him fat and revolting and wants sex more than a couple of times a week.

Conker
Did you read how he upped his game after being told it was unwanted and intrusive (and creepy)!?

You are minimising this and making it excusable, giving alternatives.

Hes shown himself to be who he is, despite obvious resentments and resistance on the part of OP.

Are you saying you would do this?

this will settle him down ... he wont be so fearful

You seriously are joking/goading?

@ConkerGame Using sex as a bargaining tool? Really?

God almighty.

knows it’s guaranteed on x day

You 'contract' to guarantee sex on given days, but dont be going arounnd advocating that any other women should ever do this.

If this is what you're into, thats your choice. How odd though.

schedule in a serious conversation with him (don’t try to have it spontaneously when he’s just tried to grab you). Tell him that you realise your sex drives are currently mismatched and that must be hard for him - you are happy to look at solutions. BUT first, he absolutely MUST stop the groping. Explain how it makes you feel and how every time he does it your sex drive dies a bit more.

RTFT!

OP tried that and he stuck his hand in her knickers mid conversation and asked if she wanted sex!

Hopefully that will settle him down as he won’t be so fearful of not having sex as he knows it’s guaranteed on x days

He already has sex with op regularly!
He isnt an over excited puppy that need training with rewards ffs!
This is her body and she should be able to go about in her own home without this idiot groping and assaulting her.
HE DOESNT CARE ABOUT HER VIEWS.

Greeve do you find his behaviour cool then?

Perfectly acceptable.

Do you enjoy being invaded whilst balancing the books, or driving, or breast-feeding, or perhaps recovering from birth, or poked whilst bent over the dishwasher or such?

How can you support this view?