To wish that DP wasn't such a sex pest!

[AbiMcNabbi]

My DP is relentless! We have sex about twice a week, more if we feel like it but I've noticed lately that if we go for more than a few days (last time was on Friday) that he starts to make comments "The warmth on this blanket is the only heat I get in the bedroom these days" etc.
He actually said to me that after we'd gotten the all clear after his vasectomy that he assumed we'd have more sex. He's always mauling me, undoing my bra if I hug him or squeezing my boobs. He makes the suggestion of having sex every day!
It's been really really hot here the last few days and I'm about due my period - both of those for me just scream "I'm not in the mood"
I said to him last night that surely it's the quality on sex we have (which he always says is good) and not the quantity. I just want a hug sometimes with him touching my boobs or elsewhere!
He took a photo of me and our DS, I was just sat in my shorts and a crop top so asked him not to get me in the photo but he did anyway and said "That'll keep me warm"

AiBu??

knows it’s guaranteed on x day
So if op feels ill, has her period, has a headache, just doesnt feel up to it she still has to do it because she 'guarenteed it'?

Sod that, nobody should be coerced into having sex on X day every week ffs!

OP has a choice!

@truth did you actually read my post? I said he might just be rapey, in which case she should obviously leave!! But we can’t know that from one post on here.

So if he genuinely is desperate for more intimacy with his wife and doesn’t know how to get it then yes I’d imagine he is afraid that their sex life will just die, hence him upping the ante on the pestering! Obviously that’s completely the wrong way to go about it but if he’s a good guy otherwise and the OP wants to save her marriage then I think a compromise will be necessary on the sex life front and giving him guaranteed sex sometimes (though not as often as he’d like) is likely to make him feel more secure on this front.

This is someone’s actual life. Yelling “call the police” and “LTB” isn’t helpful or realistic.

Fucking hell conker OP tried to explain how she felt about the constant groping, and his response was TO PUT HIS HAND IN HER KNICKERS.

OP needs to do NOTHING. He needs to STOP BEING A SEX PEST.

Benjispruce OP HAS tried talking to him. His response has been to laugh, or shove his hand down her knickers! He IS a disgusting pig, and has no respect for her.

It's not because he loves her, or finds her attractive, it's because she has a vagina. His type would fuck any woman, given the chance, because it's all about them.

Conker yes, that would be why i responded very specifically to key bizarre points you made.

@Willow2017 she can obviously make whatever rules she likes so no sex during period or illness or whatever. But giving him clear boundaries to manage his expectations can only be helpful as at the moment he hopes for it every day and then is disappointed when it doesn’t happen and gropes her; making it even less likely to happen. They are trapped in a downward spiral and the boundaries need to be reset.

So whats your point decomposing ?

Are you overtly advocating rapey behaviour based on a thread on MN?

It really does come across that way.

he’s a good guy otherwise
Nope read ops posts he isnt a good guuy he is controlling over other things too.
No 'good guy' constantly gropes and pokes at his partner after being told she doesnt like it. Its really that simple.
Why arent you suggesting that HE has a conversation about this to ask his DP what he can do to please her, help her out in the house, have date nights, spend time with her just being together, cuddling, watching tv (something she wants to watch for a change not just him hogging the tv all the time, oops another controlling behaviour there) etc so she isnt knackered or stressed out by his constant pestering?

when it doesn’t happen and gropes her; making it even

So there we have it, the groping is excused because she doesnt want as much sex. Ao OP has to work around this to ensure he is taken care of.

His sexual wants are her responsibility, do stop me if i am getting this wrong, but it is what youve just said

Are you ok OP?

he hopes for it every day and then is disappointed when it doesn’t happen and gropes her

So why isnt he accepting the fact that it wont happen every day and leave her the freak alone? This has been going on for a while how thick utterly selfish is he that he hasnt cottoned on to that yet?
He doesnt Need sex every day, he wants it cos op is there to be used as far as he is concerned.

Well said Truth.

@willow I’m guessing because he’s insecure and/or desperate. I’m making suggestions as to how those issues can be dealt with. And I did suggest a conversation about what she wants from him!

We all saw how that ended Conker.

Is that also excused?

this will settle him down ... he wont be so fearful

What the actual fuck am I reading?

Fearful of what? Getting cancer, having a vaginal prolapse, dying in a car crash. I didn't know not getting any sex was something to be fearful about, like death :-/

He gets it twice a week, he has not been banished to the himalayas to be a celibate buddhist monk.

No wonder there are so many fussy stupid husbands hre on mumsnet if they are being pandered to like this at home.

If I don't want sex I'm not having it, I don't give a single single shit about how fearful it makes him.

I'd have liked my husband to mow the lawn or to hoover occasionally, he didn't feel that was necessary for his well being, so I don't feel sex is necessary for mine.

Give and take, if my husband had been anything but fucking useless I may have wanted to have sex with him occasionally.

Sex is for me to give not for him to demand. In the early days when we were in love and he bought me flowers and made me feel special we had sex a lot but since he gave up giving a shit about my needs and doing nothing to help out around the place I no longer wanted to have sex with him.

Its definitely not because hes insecure or desperate, they bring no 'special privileges' over women either.

desperate to have sex more than his wifes' needs or wishes count?

So desperate that when she tried to tell him how he is making her feel he ignored her and stuck his hand down her knickers and asked her for sex there and then?

The bar isnt just low its half way to OZ in this scenario!

@madcatladyforever well that’s a fine approach to take if you’re OK with your marriage ending and, for the hundredth time, I have said it should just end if he is a rapey arsehole (none of us know this from one post!!)

But the OP may not want her marriage to end.

Conker how about addressing the fact that he stuck his hand down her knickers after she'd tried talking to him about it?

OP has posted more than one post, so we can get quite a good picture of what he's like.

If your marriage ends because you arent capitulating every time your husband wants sex and you dont then thats probably a good thing.
Nobody should feel they have to have sex with anyone or they will threaten to leave!
He is an adult man not a rutting stag.

And lets be honest here, if in the middle of an honest conversation about how his pestering is putting her off him altogether he does that its not a big leap for OP to wake up with him groping her in the night and probably more if he sees it as his right to have sex whenever he wants it. Abusers start of with the 'small' stuff to make you doubt yourself then up the ante.

Conker
(none of us know this from one post!!)

Maybe you should rtft?
OP has p[osted 13 times, its pretty obvious what kind of man he is.

Yes I was fine for my marriage to end and it did. I am not happy to live with a rapist who doesn't give a damn about any of my needs.

But it took me 50 years before I realised that my needs were important too. That it isn't always a one way street.

@motoko yes that’s awful.