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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wish that DP wasn't such a sex pest!

281 replies

AbiMcNabbi · 24/07/2019 23:49

My DP is relentless! We have sex about twice a week, more if we feel like it but I've noticed lately that if we go for more than a few days (last time was on Friday) that he starts to make comments "The warmth on this blanket is the only heat I get in the bedroom these days" etc.
He actually said to me that after we'd gotten the all clear after his vasectomy that he assumed we'd have more sex. He's always mauling me, undoing my bra if I hug him or squeezing my boobs. He makes the suggestion of having sex every day!
It's been really really hot here the last few days and I'm about due my period - both of those for me just scream "I'm not in the mood"
I said to him last night that surely it's the quality on sex we have (which he always says is good) and not the quantity. I just want a hug sometimes with him touching my boobs or elsewhere!
He took a photo of me and our DS, I was just sat in my shorts and a crop top so asked him not to get me in the photo but he did anyway and said "That'll keep me warm"

AiBu??

OP posts:
Lweji · 25/07/2019 16:03

It sounds like my ex. I didn't lose my sex drive, but I lost the lust for him. He turned violent eventually.

Current bf is much less physically attractive but he respects my body and my wishes. So, 1000x better relationship and sex.

Lweji · 25/07/2019 16:05

@DecomposingComposers

The OP doesn't have a sex drive problem. They have sex. Twice a week.
Unlike the threads you mentioned where the couple hasn't had sex for YEARS.

She has a partner problem, not a sex drive problem.

DecomposingComposers · 25/07/2019 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Lweji · 25/07/2019 16:48

one thread in particular it was 2 or 3 times a month

Still not twice a week, but I'm sure you'll link to that thread to prove it's not imaginary.

Belenus · 25/07/2019 16:51

Decomposing - I suggest you take your query back to those threads, or wait until there is another similar one. It isn't relevant to this thread. The OP here has sex twice a week, sometimes more. I would advise anyone who feels their sex drive is mismatched either to go at the pace of the slowest and accept it, or get out. I wouldn't advise anyone, male or female, to push someone into having sex they don't want.

TruthOnTrial · 25/07/2019 16:52

PsGal do you have anyone you are talking to?

I know some assume all women that are in abuse can just leave, but if they really lived that as a reality they would have left, always, but it doesnt happen because its not like that.

I hope you have support or can find some to help you through this. Flowers

she also needs to work out a compromise re sex

Why do you insist with this Conkers ? Its a shame that you would accept this.

fotheringhay · 25/07/2019 17:39

This man clearly has no respect for OP.

It's literally that simple.

SinkGirl · 25/07/2019 18:01

Then I would schedule in sex nights. Not the most romantic but I think it would really help you both. It would be a compromise amount (say 3 times a week if you want 1 or 2 and he wants 5 or 6?) and on days that are set in advance.

This has to be a joke? Or clearly written by someone who’s never experienced loss of sex drive.

I can’t tell you if I’ll want sex tomorrow or not. My sex drive comes and goes. No way would any sane person guarantee sex on a specific day when they are sometimes not in the mood for sex. Are you delusional?

GabsAlot · 25/07/2019 18:24

Does anyone read threads-they have sex twice a week whats wrong with that you dont nee dto be groped 24/7 lke a fucking whore

AbiMcNabbi · 25/07/2019 18:31

@PsGal I'm sorry, your situation sounds worse than mine! Shock I can't believe someone would give you an ultimatum like that Flowers If DH said that to me I'd be leaving, no doubt about it. I hope things improve for you x x

OP posts:
AbiMcNabbi · 25/07/2019 18:32

You aren't going to believe this but he's Still trying to get me into bed! It's not far off 40c and he's still all over me, despite me saying it's too hot.

OP posts:
AbiMcNabbi · 25/07/2019 18:33

I just feel like shouting "FOR FUCK SAKE PISS OFF"

OP posts:
MaybeNew · 25/07/2019 18:36

I can’t understand how anyone could defend the OP’s DH. At the very least, he is being selfish and thoughtless and at worst he is abusive.

And he is not the only one, there are constant threads on here about sex pests.

I can’t imagine having to live with someone treating me like a piece of meat.

We are all (both men and women) entitled to say no and have that respected.

sprouts21 · 25/07/2019 18:41

Some posters here don't seem to have even a basic understanding of consent. NOBODY gets to touch you in any way against your wishes and to do so is assault. The excuses and concern about this poor mans sex drive are turning my fucking stomach.

Groping at someone's genitals against their wishes is an act of abuse. It isn't about sex, it's an act that is designed to humiliate and demean the person it is done to.

sprouts21 · 25/07/2019 18:44

Op you really need to tell him in no uncertain terms that this behaviour stops or he is risking a di or even.This type of sexual coercion is not ok.

mussolini9 · 25/07/2019 18:44

I just feel like shouting "FOR FUCK SAKE PISS OFF"

Do it.
You are absolutely NBU to lose your rag completely.

I hope you lose the sex pest too, & sharpish. He doesn't care about you, he doesn't listen to you, & he treats you like an object - even at the very same time as you are asking him not to.

Good luck OP x

Motoko · 25/07/2019 18:49

Conker you obviously don't understand the nature of abuse. If abusers were abusive from the start of a relationship, nobody would stay with them, so they put on a front, and act all nice and caring. It's not until their partner has fallen in love, moved in, etc, that the abuse starts, and it usually starts off gently, slowly, pushing boundaries.

Every now and again, the abuser will act like they did at the beginning, to confuse their partner, and it makes them think "He's got a nice side, so if I just walk on eggshells and don't do anything to set him off, we'll get back on track", and they stay.

Buying a house/moving in together, getting married, and/or having a baby, are the most common triggers for abuse to start. These trap the abused partner, many of whom won't have the finances to move out, because they're SAHMs. Some do try, but the abuser threatens to take them to court for custody of the children, and because the abused partner is so confused, they believe it, and don't want to risk losing their children.

There are lots of ways women are abused, and the reasons they don't leave, are complex. Some never leave, others often take several attempts to leave, before finally escaping. I suggest you educate yourself about it, because even if you never experience it, someone you know may, and you could give them really bad advice because of your ignorance. The reason being, what would be advised in a marriage that's just going through a rough patch, such as "talking things through", doesn't work in abuse cases, and can lead to the abuse escalating.

Willow2017 · 25/07/2019 18:54

Op said they already have sex twice a week and more of they both want it.

The key word here is they not hiim bullying her into it.
She doesnt have a problem with sex he does. He thinks it's there purely for his gratification she doesn't matter.

ConkerGame · 25/07/2019 18:58

I have said so many times that if he’s a shit person then she should leave!! Please read my posts!!

ConkerGame · 25/07/2019 19:00

OP, only you know whether he’s a nasty abusive prick or an otherwise well-meaning person. Either way, it sounds like you’re at the end of your tether so I guess you should make that clear to him.

Do you want to leave?

RoryGillmoresEvilTwin · 25/07/2019 19:03

My ex husband was like this. I loved sex but hated the constant groping and double entendres. Such a turn off.
This one of the main reasons I heaved a massive sigh of relief when the marriage ended.
He honestly became revolting to me.

AbiMcNabbi · 25/07/2019 19:05

@PsGal Honestly? I've thought about it

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 25/07/2019 19:16

I was a sexual counsellor; I've been monogamous and non-monogamous (just to cover the 'negotiate sex outside the marriage' part), and I can tell you that this is not really about sex.

Sex is the symptom, and not the cause. And the cause is probably a lot more complex.

One possibility: having gained so much weight, your DP is now feeling insecure. Often, adults who are feeling insecure don't handle things as adults, and regress. His reaching and groping feels to me to be the actions of a regressed, scared man who is looking for reassurance.There's no negotiating with that if he doesn't change where he's coming from - and that often needs intervention.

That's just one possible cause of many - and it's not actually about sex when it comes down to it.

However, you are dealing with his inability to respect your boundaries; his repeated violation of them; his sulks and his moods (again: regressive). No-one should have to tolerate that.

Posters like Geeve are coming from the perspective of a healthy, equitable relationship that involves two grown-ups. That is not your relationship, OP, and so the same principles do not apply.

(Just to add, @Geeve: there is such a thing as an unhealthy sex drive: it's what happens when natural sexual and embodied impulses are overriden by obsessive and neurotic states, which often are incredibly psychologically painful for the sufferer, even while they are trapped in compulsive behaviours. I have seen it first-hand myself. I have worked with clients who experienced this. It was not healthy in the least, and they knew it too because they came to see me.)

AFistfulofDolores1 · 25/07/2019 19:17

There's no negotiating with that ...

TruthOnTrial · 25/07/2019 19:39

No, you're right Delores. Its not about sex atall

Sex is the symptom. Its all about the power and control, abusing sexually.