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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish that DP wasn't such a sex pest!

281 replies

AbiMcNabbi · 24/07/2019 23:49

My DP is relentless! We have sex about twice a week, more if we feel like it but I've noticed lately that if we go for more than a few days (last time was on Friday) that he starts to make comments "The warmth on this blanket is the only heat I get in the bedroom these days" etc.
He actually said to me that after we'd gotten the all clear after his vasectomy that he assumed we'd have more sex. He's always mauling me, undoing my bra if I hug him or squeezing my boobs. He makes the suggestion of having sex every day!
It's been really really hot here the last few days and I'm about due my period - both of those for me just scream "I'm not in the mood"
I said to him last night that surely it's the quality on sex we have (which he always says is good) and not the quantity. I just want a hug sometimes with him touching my boobs or elsewhere!
He took a photo of me and our DS, I was just sat in my shorts and a crop top so asked him not to get me in the photo but he did anyway and said "That'll keep me warm"

AiBu??

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 25/07/2019 08:45

That's true @greeve, it doesn't but would he really enjoy intimate sex in a loving way with someone who doesn't really want to do it? Never seen a cuddle machine before! Wow

MrsCBY · 25/07/2019 08:46

There is no such thing as a healthy sex drive. This is again shaming those of us who want sex more than once a week.

Where on earth did I say it’s shameful to want sex more than once a week, Greeve?? You really seem to have some issues here!

There’s nothing shameful about wanting sex however often you may want it. There’s a great deal that’s shameful however in feeling entitled to have sex with your partner even when your partner doesn’t want to. That’s why marital rape was finally criminalised in the UK in the 90’s.

Oh and irrespective of whether twice a week is “enough” for everyone, it is regular, which is the point I was responding to.

I wonder why you are quite so desperate to justify a man’s sexually abusive behaviour towards his wife. 🤔

PositiveVibez · 25/07/2019 08:47

Yes, disgusting behaviour to want to have sex with you partner

Erm no! What is disgusting is the OPs husband treating her like a piece of meat.

If you think that's how women should be treated, then you're fucked.

Also, pp going on as though they need sex for their survival is absolutely bonkers.

Top and bottom of it is that nobody is entitled to sex on tap. And groping and making sexual innuendos to somebody you are supposed to love and respect, is the biggest turn off ever.

Greeve · 25/07/2019 08:48

@MrsCBY

You said that they do have regular sex twice a week implying this should satisfy him. I think that's a shitty amount of sexual intimacy to share.

What I am not happy to justify is that their sexual incompatibility isn't as much her problem as it is his. Okay, your husband wants sex much more than you do, you know this, so what are you going to do about it other than try and guilt him into not mentioning it?

Greeve · 25/07/2019 08:49

@PositiveVibez

Who said they need sex to survive? Quotes please?

MrsCBY · 25/07/2019 08:49

OP - sorry - will stop engaging with Greeve now as I don’t want to derail your thread. Obviously I agree with you and most others that his behaviour is completely unacceptable.

Greeve · 25/07/2019 08:51

@Shoxfordian

Perhaps that's where wife suggests that as she doesn't want to have sex with him more than she does, maybe he could seek sex elsewhere. That would be acknowledging that it isn't stupid or immature that he needs more sex to be content.

Mitzicoco · 25/07/2019 08:51

OP I had partner like that. He was also awful in other ways so I left him. Now in my case, there is no way I could have sat down and had a conversation with him about it because he would either laugh at me, go in a massive sulk, or worse. Are you worried about talking to him honestly and if necessary at length about it? It's so very difficult I know.

Flowers
Purplejay · 25/07/2019 08:51

Yanbu

Greeve · 25/07/2019 08:52

@MrsCBY

You mean you have no other non-shaming tactics to use so you will scurry off and rethink your approach? Good.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 25/07/2019 08:53

His approach is bit crass, but I think for some men they think they are showing you they think you are attractive etc Confused

A man wanting to have with his committed partner every day doesn't make him a "sex pest" but he obviously has a high sex drive and doesn't seem to know how to communicate his attraction to you appropriately and respectfully. Can you sit him down for a serious chat and explain to him that you while its lovely that he is strongly attracted to you, you don't have a sex drive to match his, and set out what you think is reasonable? Then talk about how he speaks to you/touches you at inappropriate times etc and give him so guidance on what you would find appropriate?

I can only assume he's had some piss poor role models and has no idea how to behave towards a partner

SoyDora · 25/07/2019 08:56

there's still plenty of tactile bum grabbing and boob honking goes on

That’s fine if you like that sort of thing. The OP doesn’t. It is unwelcome.
I fucking hate ‘boob honking’. DH and I haha a great sex life, but if he ‘honked’ my boob it would be unwelcome sexual contact. Do you see the difference? The OP doesn’t like it.

dottiedodah · 25/07/2019 09:01

Has he always been like this, or has it got worse since he had his vasectomy do you think?.Some men may feel a little emasculated ,and keep needing to prove to themselves they have still "got it"!.I think you should tell him straight ,that you do not appreciate being grabbed and mauled when doing the washing up!.The other issues are that he never wants to watch Your choice of TV .This seems to show him as wanting every thing on his terms.I think some kind of counselling may be helpful as you can address these issues together with an independent 3rd party as it were .

katseyes7 · 25/07/2019 09:08

Behaviour like this is one of the reasons why my ex is my ex.
When l broke my ankle (badly enough to need it pinned and plated) and had to have 5 months off work, he accused me of doing it deliberately to avoid having sex with him.
lf l got down on the floor to change a video (20 years ago) he'd make lewd comments then say there was something wrong with me for not wanting to immediately have sex with him.
Once when l was in the bathroom washing my face. He actually came up behind me and tried to have sex with me, pushing my face under the water. On several occasions l woke up to find him on top of me. He insisted he'd been asleep and had no recollection of it happening.

Men like this don't understand that if they treated us properly, we'd be more inclined to want sex with them. We don't want some sweaty leering groper pawing us at every opportunity.
And unfortunately with most of them, sitting them down and 'explaining boundaries' or 'talking things over' isn't going to work. They think what they're doing is "their right" (so l was told!) and it's the woman who is at fault for not wanting sex every time they do.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 25/07/2019 09:09

Boob honking?

Jesus Christ. Is this what some men think is foreplay?

PeoniesarePink · 25/07/2019 09:14

I couldn't and wouldn't live with a man like that.

You do realise that you can talk to him till you are blue in the face and nothing will change.......... you either decide if you endure this for the rest of your life, or you find a decent partner who respects you.

53rdWay · 25/07/2019 09:16

I had an ex (note, ex) like this. It is miserable. Reducing it to “you want sex this much and he wants sex that much” as pp have done misses out the whole dynamic of how horrible it is to be mauled and pawed and pestered constantly, and how that by itself can kill your sex drive dead.

Hahaha88 · 25/07/2019 09:21

I think the important thing here isn't what any of us think is acceptable or not (personally I'm like her dp) but what she thinks is acceptable.
If you aren't happy @AbiMcNabbi you need to be clear with your dp about it. You say he laughed it off, maybe he thought you were joking? I regularly squeeze my dps bum and flick his nipples, which I might add he jokingly responds back from. If suddenly after years he said something like I'm not a piece of meat or are you something I'd think he was joking. If he sat down and explained he didn't like it then of course my behaviour would change.

I'd be mortified to be ops dp with some of these responses. Report him to the police? Abusive behaviour? Ok if op has had s serious conversation with him and the behaviour hadn't changed but otherwise talk about extreme reactions

Anothernick · 25/07/2019 09:29

Of course there's nothing wrong in the OPs partner wanting more sex but he doesnt seem to understand that making unwanted advances, snide remarks and criticising her alleged unwillingness is not the best way of going about getting it. Counter productive in fact. What he should do is tell her how much he enjoys it, both during and after, and make sure she enjoys it as well. Ask her what he can do to make it even better for her. Sex is about mutual pleasure it's not just about him getting his rocks off. Every day is not realistic for most couples with work, dc etc and setting a target like that would make sex seem routine and take away a lot of the pleasure IMO.

Rachelover40 · 25/07/2019 09:31

He's revolting, I can't stand people with no self control and as for constantly harassing you, that's a real turn off. It's lust, not love. You are right that it's quality that counts, not quantity.

Original poster
AbiMcNabbi · 25/07/2019 09:33

Sorry for the delay!

I do not like all of the grabbing. Call me old fashioned but to me, there's a time and a place. It used to be that he'd come up behind me and wrap his arms around my waist and I loved that. Back then I had the higher drive. I fancied the pants off of him!

I will admit that the last week of my cycle I definitely do not want to have sex. My sex drive is like zero. I'd be happy to have it the rest of the time if it was naturally occurring. I want at least some romance and spontaneous action. The constant "Do you want sex?" and boob squeezing and undoing my bra etc is just a major turn off!

Even last night, after I'd tried to explain my feelings - he started to put his hands under my knickers and asked if I wanted to have sex. I'm not going to lie, I did say" You're not seriously asking me now? "

As a side issue - DHs weight has also become a major issue. I am 9st and DH is almost 17st. If we aren't having sex from behind, it feels like he's squashing me! I'm not being a bitch and saying " I don't fancy him because he's heavy" I'm saying that he feels really heavy on me Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
AbiMcNabbi · 25/07/2019 09:34

For someone that suggested it though - I'm not going to "set him free" to have sex with other women Shock Fairly sure that's not included in wedding vows!

OP posts:
Greeve · 25/07/2019 09:38

So the answer is to stay in an exclusive sexual relationship which doesn't satisfy him?

Original poster
AbiMcNabbi · 25/07/2019 09:39

I think sometimes the fact that someone either doesn't take the hint or doesnt care that you aren't in the mood doesn't help things. Sometimes it'll be blatantly obvious I'm not but he'll still proceed to grab me or try and kiss me, like pulling my chin up so I'll kiss him

OP posts:
Alconleigh · 25/07/2019 09:40

I'm in a relationship where I have a higher sex drive than my partner, which frustrates me, but I don't grab at him or go on at him because I don't want to treat him badly. Respectfully seeing if the OP is interested and leaving it if not would be ok, I imagine.

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