To wish that DP wasn't such a sex pest!

[AbiMcNabbi]

My DP is relentless! We have sex about twice a week, more if we feel like it but I've noticed lately that if we go for more than a few days (last time was on Friday) that he starts to make comments "The warmth on this blanket is the only heat I get in the bedroom these days" etc.
He actually said to me that after we'd gotten the all clear after his vasectomy that he assumed we'd have more sex. He's always mauling me, undoing my bra if I hug him or squeezing my boobs. He makes the suggestion of having sex every day!
It's been really really hot here the last few days and I'm about due my period - both of those for me just scream "I'm not in the mood"
I said to him last night that surely it's the quality on sex we have (which he always says is good) and not the quantity. I just want a hug sometimes with him touching my boobs or elsewhere!
He took a photo of me and our DS, I was just sat in my shorts and a crop top so asked him not to get me in the photo but he did anyway and said "That'll keep me warm"

AiBu??

OP, if you try talking to him again do you think he will really listen? Do you think he is capable of listening? You deserve so much more and there are lots of lovely men out there who would treat you with the respect you deserve. Leaving my ex was the best thing I did in my life(for reasons such as yours). Good Luck x

What you've described does sound annoying but I think some of the comments here are a bit over the top. Can you just have a quiet word and explain that feeling pressured into it ruins it for you.

RTFT.
OP has done just that - her DP laughs it off or ignores her.

@Greeve

Your messages are just odd TBH.
I have been in a non monogamous relationship.
First things first, it needs to come from a place of mutual interest and consent otherwise it’ll fall apart and damage the foundation of their relationship. This doesn’t appear to be the case here. I have seen several relationships where women have been rammed into non monogamy to “keep their husbands happy” no surprises a year later a divorce is on the horizon..

Secondly, OP has come here to vent/get advice because her husband is ignoring her, trampling her personal boundaries and treating her like a sex object. Nobody is entitled (Male, female, monogamous or not) to treat another human being like that. It’s despicable and shows a shocking disregard of her feelings.

A lot of people are also misrepresenting OP’s point, stating she is offended because her husband desires her. I think her husband coming onto her with respect for her and her needs (and a willingness to accept “not tonight”) would either have a positive response or at the very least, she would be okay.
It’s not about sex imo, it’s the disregard.

Also can I just say an overweight (potentially obese depending on his height) man who has no respect for women and treats them like sex dolls is unlikely to lure in a hot girlfriend/fuck buddy in any case 😂😂😂😂😂

If two people have very mismatched sex drives, that might be a reason to split up.

But this is not about this. This is about the OPs DH treating her like a sex object, rather than a human being with her own wants and desires.

@AngrySquid I shouldn't have laughed at the end of your post but I did . I still find him attractive to look at but the weight is an issue during sex.

@mussolini9 if you read my recent post you'll see I've changed my perception after the OP updated...

I would just like to thank the majority for your support. You're totally right. Mismatched sex drives aren't the issue, it's the lack of respect.

You are not his sex toy.
He should respect your feelings.
That way you may be more responsive to him.
Don't be bullied into something you don't want.

Abi you said it 'sex pest'. You called it. Nailed it, as it were

That is exactly what it is

Your body is your own. You give consent around access.

Its a common abusers behaviour to grab at you sexually, and it is assault, sexual assault.

Sadly, many men are still deluding themselves that being a 'partner' (in name only) entitles them to ownership of your body. It doesnt.

Call him what he is, and keep on doing it.

Tell him its repulsive. Dont tiptoe around like some suggest, having a quiet word etc, its so gross and the ultimate disrespect of your worth.

You do not 'belong' to him. You are not his property to play with, his sex toy.

I would suspect a lot more about him, so watch his reaction, and be guided by it to make sure this doesnt escalate into anything else.

You may well have mismatched sex drives but he sounds like a moaner which is a turn off in itself. Perhaps if he stopped pestering you, you might feel more enthusiastic.

But OTOH in this heat? With a period on its way? I'd shut up shop as well.

Mismatched sex drives can be a problem in relationships. Someone who refuses to have sex, yet tries to coerce or emotionally blackmail a partner into remaining in a monogamous-yet-sexless relationship is being selfish and unkind.

But OP's situation is neither of these things. Her H is repeatedly demonstrating that he doesn't care about her opinion, or her desire - he's just interested in getting his dick wet (the sex they have is probably not all that delightful for the OP, whether he's a two-pump Percy or the sort who goes on and on, fiddling about with you and then sulking when you don't respond with wild enthusiasm to every fumble.) Her H doesn't care about her. She's a 'woman' which means a domestic appliance with a fuckhole attached.

The fact that you tried to have a reasonable conversation with him and his response was to shove his hand in your pants and ask for sex suggests that there is very little hope of salvaging this marriage. Unfortunately, there is an additional risk, when a man has so little respect for his partner, so little willingness to accept that she is a human being not a possession of his... well, sometimes such a man decides that if she won't 'give' him the sex he feels entitled to, he will just hold her down and do it anyway. Because he's entitled to her body.

When someone grabs your cunt you dont have a quiet word with them

What if they shoved you? Would you politely say, oh id really rather you didn't do that, it was a bit uncomfortable, if thats ok?' Please, and thank you thank you.

I broke up with my ex for this reason. Never had a problem with sex in any other relationships, but this just makes you want it less. Such a turn off. Vile behaviour

Mismatched sex drives

He grabs you (assaults you) because he has a higher sex drive. What a joke.

How does anyone believe this tripe! What utter nonsense.

That's just degrading! Put your foot down and tell him exactly what touching is acceptable and what isn't.

My marriage ended after 15 years of constant sex pestering, I got so sick of him I couldn't even look at him anymore. That was only oneof his faults but probably the biggest one.
Now I'm single I never want sex with a man again, it actually makes me feel like vomiting. The thought of being constantly mauled and pestered.
Even if I met a normal man I don't think I could. Its put me right off.
Its been three years since I had sex with anyone and there is no sign of my drive ever returning.

fiddling about with you and then sulking when you don't respond with wild enthusiasm to every fumble

Well that sounds sickeningly familiar to something in my past Reanimated thankfully having experienced full and satisfying sex before this i realised this was all about him and not me.

It does have to stop from now, but be very careful. I didnt RTFT but it does sound as if this could end very badly, and escalate out of control when you flatly deny him what he thinks are his rights.

Its very worrying the number of pp that dont acknowledge or recognise this behaviour for the sex pest evidence it is.

I think it is all him that's putting me off. I never really thought about it until last night when... this sounds embarrassing lol but I was watching something on TV and it was the whole "Hot guy, slow motion" thing and I remember thinking "Ooh wouldn't you just". Its not the sex I don't want it's the behaviour!

Notice how often the word 'ex' comes up on these sex pest threads

Out of interest @TruthOnTrial what do you think is a more sensible alternative to discussing it? Calling the police on her own husband?

I'm not defending the behaviour, it's crass and disrespectful and having been in a similar situation (albeit with a casual fling not a husband) I know how offputting and unpleasant it can be. But as husband and wife surely there are better ways to address it and if he still isn't taking it on board then I would indeed LTB

A police report won't go anywhere. But if you were going to report your husband to the police, that is a clear sign that you need to leave.

My DH went through a phase of grabbing fairly early in our relationship (not to the same suffocating extent though) and he didn’t understand at first when I tried to talk with him calmly about how disrespectful it felt for me. At first he laughed it off as he thought he was being SWEET. Then he’d get defensive if I pulled away.

So I got angry about it. I told him in no uncertain terms that I am a human being, not just a pair of tits or a hole to fuck - crass I know but the vitriol in my voice knocked him back. Then - when he was sat in a stunned sort of silence I explained. I am attracted to you, I love you and I really enjoy being intimate with you. But grabbing my tits and rubbing up against you isn’t what I consider intimate. You want sex more frequently? Then put some real effort in. It won’t be guaranteed - nor should it be. But if you can’t handle treating me with the respect and dignity I deserve then there’s the door.

He still has his moments of random boob honking (which I hate as it’s in no way sexy) but when I then say, “please don’t do that” in my serious voice, he will apologise straight away. We squeeze each other’s bums but that’s always been playful and neither of us mind that.

Thing is, I now have the higher sex drive and I get that it can be a bit frustrating/disheartening when you’re knocked back a lot. But I would never try to make him feel guilty for not wanting sex, nor would I use every intimate moment (such as a cuddle or kiss) to grope and molest him.

We’ve actually become rather candid now. If either of us is in the mood we will state it rather plainly. If the other isn’t then that’s that. Not the most ‘romantic’ I grant you but it works for us.

I hope you find a way to get it through to him that his behaviour is utterly shit @AbiMcNabbi you deserve more from a man who claims to love you. Some men can learn to change. But if he’s not willing to compromise with his behaviour then it shows a lack of respect that would kill a relationship for me.

Oh my god some responses on here are unbelievable. Calling someone's DH a disgusting pig for wanting regular sex with his wife that he finds very attractive. OP you need to have a talk with him to explain your feelings. It's fine to have a high sex drive but he needs your consent and he needs to understand what you like and don't like. AIBU is not the place to slag your DH off unless you really don't like him.

Out of interest @TruthOnTrial what do you think is a more sensible alternative to discussing it? Calling the police on her own husband?

Did you read what he did to her when she raised it? He sexually assaulted her. Did you read that, or is that something that 'we need to sit down and have a chat about'

Its not crass behaviour, its assault.

Those who do it dont deserve airtime.

romantic needs of their partner

Ther is no bloody 'romance' in this at all.
Its all grabbing and bullying and "I want sex now despite what you want." There is no intimacy at all without him expecting it to lead to sex.

Where the hell does romance come into that?