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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish that DP wasn't such a sex pest!

281 replies

AbiMcNabbi · 24/07/2019 23:49

My DP is relentless! We have sex about twice a week, more if we feel like it but I've noticed lately that if we go for more than a few days (last time was on Friday) that he starts to make comments "The warmth on this blanket is the only heat I get in the bedroom these days" etc.
He actually said to me that after we'd gotten the all clear after his vasectomy that he assumed we'd have more sex. He's always mauling me, undoing my bra if I hug him or squeezing my boobs. He makes the suggestion of having sex every day!
It's been really really hot here the last few days and I'm about due my period - both of those for me just scream "I'm not in the mood"
I said to him last night that surely it's the quality on sex we have (which he always says is good) and not the quantity. I just want a hug sometimes with him touching my boobs or elsewhere!
He took a photo of me and our DS, I was just sat in my shorts and a crop top so asked him not to get me in the photo but he did anyway and said "That'll keep me warm"

AiBu??

OP posts:
ArabellaDoreenFig · 25/07/2019 08:04

Something that really jumps out at me is that you say ‘he says the quality is good but’ but At no point do you mention how the quality is for me you

Sex is something you should Both enjoy.

The sex pestering would put me off too btw, and i think you need to address that and have a look at how much you are getting out of your sex life yourself.

urbanlife · 25/07/2019 08:04

Why on God’s earth are you with him?

Greeve · 25/07/2019 08:05

Personally, I want quality sex about 3-4 x a week. Nobody will tell me to choose quality or quantity - including my husband.

T0getherindreams · 25/07/2019 08:07

This is sexual assault.

I'm sorry you are going through this. You need to take steps to protect yourself.

Please, please don't wait to get help.

Have you reported this to the police?

Biancadelrioisback · 25/07/2019 08:15

The police absolutely would not take this seriously.
OP, you need to speak with him again. Sit him down, make a big deal out of it, make him see it's serious. If he laughs it off tell him if he can't respect your body, he'll have to move out of the bedroom.
This does sound like it's the sort of thing that will escalate.

LadyBumclock · 25/07/2019 08:15

It’s not the wanting sex that’s disgusting, it’s his entitled, abusive behaviour. NO ONE has a right to grab your boobs, bum or vulva like that, undo your bra etc, or make constant sexual comments when you don’t want that and are not reciprocating, or are saying no. Yes there’s a mismatch but that’s a separate issue. He needs to stop this now. He’d be history anyway if it was me - i’d find him so repulsive and disrespectful.

Xenadog · 25/07/2019 08:20

The mauling, the comments and the ignoring of your boundaries are horrible. I don’t know how you put up with it.

OP, what do you want from this relationship? Think about what your needs and wants are. Think about how you react to your DP when he behaves in this awful manner. Once you are very clear sit him down and tell him in plain language. It is up to him to listen and respect you and your boundaries. If he doesn’t, it’s down to you to decide whether to put up or leave.

I would make the one serious and blunt conversation his opportunity to understand you and your feelings. If he can’t respect your boundaries after this I would end things. His behaviour is vile but it is his choice and can change if he wants to/respects you enough.

MrsCBY · 25/07/2019 08:21

I think that too many people see sex as a disgusting craving rather than a legitimate need in order for a person to thrive.

Actually, Greeve, I think the problem is that too many people (like you) are apparently unable to distinguish between a healthy sex drive/sexual relationship, and sexual abuse within a relationship. Which is what this is.

Thinking someone who behaves in a sexually abusive way is disgusting is not the same as thinking that sex itself is a “disgusting craving”, and it’s very telling that you conflate the two.

kitandkaboodle28 · 25/07/2019 08:23

I'm sorry to keep harping back but on my post where I had the opposite issue of my dp not wanting sex I was basically told to ditch him because I deserve sex. He was dragging me down by depriving me and we would never be happy bla bla. Another similar thread at the time was where a poster had mentioned her husband didn't like going down on her and again a lot of the comments focused on him being some sort of inconsiderate loser for not doing this 'staple' sex act.

Then you flip it around and suddenly the husband is revolting and a sexual abuser....really?! I'll admit his behaviour isn't great but he clearly fancies his wife and wants to be physical and that is not a disgusting thing. I'm pretty sure bum grabbing and tactile stuff like that go on in most homes - certainly does in mine and we don't even have sex much!

I think some of this is very over the top. But as ever if the OP isn't happy about it she needs to bring it up with her dp in a serious way and if there is no compromise on the sex front then it could descend into a bigger issue

Shoxfordian · 25/07/2019 08:26

Were you always mauling and grabbing your husband then @kitandkaboodle28? Were you constantly suggesting sex and making sexual comments? If not then it isn't the same

Osirus · 25/07/2019 08:27

You can’t be serious T0gether? Oh my god, a man wants to have sex with his wife, call the police?!!

OP, it’s not nice to be pestered, but a conversation is needed at an appropriate time, not reporting him to the police. He’s not committed any crime.

Incidentally, I think you should have a look at a few of the current active threads on the relationships board from people who are not having regular sex with their partners and to see what it is also like from his side.

Some of these comments are absolutely nuts.

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 25/07/2019 08:27

My husband was the same. I divorced him. I can't express how lovely it is to go to bed without being tense and anxious and waiting for the hints and the groping to start.

I'm just sorry I put up with him for so long.

Doobigetta · 25/07/2019 08:30

Nobody NEEDS sex, and nobody owes it to someone else to provide it to them. If you think otherwise, your boundaries are in the wrong place in one direction or the other.

LadyBumclock · 25/07/2019 08:30

Yes, there’s an argument that he should expect sex in a relationship and if he’s not getting enough, it may not be the right relationship for him. That doesn’t mean op has to give him all the sex he wants when she doesn’t want to. It’s not like it’s a sexless marriage, and even if it was, that would be op’s right (as it would be his right to end it).

What is never ok is the harassment and treating op’s body with zero respect and like it’s his property.

Greeve · 25/07/2019 08:31

@MrsCBY

There is no such thing as a healthy sex drive. This is again shaming those of us who want sex more than once a week. However often one wants sex is healthy. I agree that there are appropriate and inappropriate actions but when we live in a world where people think it is okay to unilaterally withdraw or severely reduce sex and still expect the confines of monogamy, people are going to act in shitty ways.

If we had a norm where it was expected that your reduction in sex drive will inevitably mean you will need to be okay with your partner having other sexual partners, we would be on more equal ground.

MrsCBY · 25/07/2019 08:31

Incidentally, I think you should have a look at a few of the current active threads on the relationships board from people who are not having regular sex with their partners and to see what it is also like from his side.

Except, Osirus, OP and her husband are having regular sex, at least twice a week.

Wonder why it suited you to leave that bit out of your interesting narrative?

LadyBumclock · 25/07/2019 08:31

And yes plenty of people don’t get any sex at all, however much they “need” it. It’s not a human right.

Greeve · 25/07/2019 08:32

@Doobigetta

I certainly need regular sexual intimacy with another person to thrive. I'm not interested in merely surviving or getting by, thank you.

Greeve · 25/07/2019 08:33

@MrsCBY

2 x a week isn't enough for some people. Just like a small bowl of salad does't satisfy everyone for dinner.

kitandkaboodle28 · 25/07/2019 08:34

No I didn't grope or maul but I've initiated it in other ways that haven't always been reciprocated because erm, if you want sex with your partner you kind of have to put the feelers out there to see if it's going to happen? The ops partner is being very clumsy in his efforts but that doesn't make him a bloody sexual abuser.

I wouldn't pester my dp for sex because it's not pleasant for either of us but there's still plenty of tactile bum grabbing and boob honking goes on - we are not sexual abusers lol.

balonzz · 25/07/2019 08:34

My ExDH was like this too. It really, really put me off him and sex. He tried to make it like I was the one at fault for not appreciating his grabbing me all the time. Bastard

Shoxfordian · 25/07/2019 08:37

It's actually irrelevant if I or anyone else enjoys being touched or grabbed by their dh. The op does not enjoy it, he knows this, and yet he carries on. What do all you apologists call someone who touches you knowing you don't enjoy it or want it?! Presumably the op's husband has a hand, nothing to stop him having a wank.

KUGA · 25/07/2019 08:41

He has no respect for you.
And is a total bully.
I think you should sit him down and make it clear you are not his sex slave.
If he refuses get rid.

BenWillbondsPants · 25/07/2019 08:41

I’ll say it straight and say I’m not in the mood don’t do that. You’ve just got to make boundaries clear.

That's fine if your partner accepts it and acknowledges it. Not if they make passive-aggressive comments in response. My ex would constantly grab at me when I walked past (even carrying the baby), cooking, sleeping, up a ladder - any time at all. I hated it. I told him so many times. From 'babe, please don't do that, I really don't like it' to 'Stop fucking grabbing me all the time' and was always met with comments about being frigid/didn't love him enough/obviously wanted someone else etc etc. We'd had a very active sex life but to be blunt - this behaviour just totally put me off him. I did love him very much but this was absolutely a major reason I stopped loving him because I realised he had absolutely zero respect for me and how I felt.

Greeve · 25/07/2019 08:42

@Shoxfordian

That's another line out of The Sex Shamer's Handbook. "A wank" does not offer the same sexual intimacy as sex with someone you are attracted to and perhaps even love.

Would you ever suggest to a woman who complains about a lack of affection that she get a "cuddle machine" a la Temple Grandin?

To wish that DP wasn't such a sex pest!
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