..to not tell DH date of C-section to avoid MIL turning up at hospital

[DML13]

So baby number 2 is booked for delivery by c-section. I was told this yesterday when I attended appointment myself alone. I have not yet told husband this date because I don't want MIL to know exact date (and I can't trust husband to blab to her and have repeat scenario of events which occurred with DS1).

For background, went into spontaneous labour with DS1 and MIL (despite multiple previous conversations) ignored my request to stay away from hospital and visit when home. She continually interrupted my labour for updates from DH and he didn't have the backbone to tell her go home. It ended with eCS and felt I lost all dignity with her arrival to my bedside soon after, my boobs out, catheter in place etc. I was angry, mortified and humiliated for many weeks and have yet to forgive. DH and I knew this baby would possibly need planned C-section and for weeks has been going on about 'as soon as we know the date we must tell her, (citing childcare as a role) and that she has already been asking for the date etc. Plus he says it 'will be easier to let work know'. Firstly I have a DS who understands my plight and will do childcare for DS1 whilst in hospital and secondly most workplaces only get estimated date when staff member may be off on paternity leave (he is in admin, so they would manage). I plan to tell him the morning I go into hospital - he will just have to cancel work for 2 weeks, (just as it I went into natural labour)and take his phone off him too - to avoid MIL being told, and give me the peace, respect and joy that I want (and feel I deserve) for what will be may last birth experience. AIBU? How would you circumnavigate MIL, bear in mind repeated requests will fall on deaf ears.

I would take him to your next appt and say in front of midwife that she is not to be there and staff will be asked not to let her in. I would also say he is.not to call her until her talked to you first.

I would probably explain to him the problems that happened last time and my feelings about it and ask him not to tell his mother. I would then tell him that they are planning the c section the week beginning the.... (not the specific day of the week).
It is a lie by omission I suppose but you can see whether he tells mil before giving him the specific day of the week. If he does then I’d tell him a false day (after the date) as he’s proven he can’t respect your feelings or trust him to keep your confidence

"I like the idea of using vasectomy as comparison and having my mother turn up as he comes round from the procedure!"

Vasectomy isn't a great comparison. My DH walked out of his procedure and experienced only mild discomfort. Not like my C sections.

Maybe tell him it's comparable to being neutered.

Good luck though!

Could you speak directly with his mother? You could tell her that you felt humiliated by her visit before and you want to have a positive relationship so you’d prefer she respect your privacy this time and you’ll let her know when she can come.

And yes I would be that blunt. If you want to safeguard your future relationship set boundaries now.

How would he react to being taken to marriage guidance counselling session to discuss this? Might bring home the seriousness of his lack of respect and support of you? Or show him the thread?

He wouldn’t have wanted his mum in the room when the baby was being made, so he should understand why you don’t want her in the room when the baby is born.
Agree in telling her 3-4 days later date and telling him you will have both of them removed if she does turn up on the day.

Hope all goes well for you.

Ok so this is maybe a bit sneaky but I suggest telling him a date that's a bit later and tell him not to tell his mum. Then if you tell her you'll know that he's not to be trusted.

I find all these suggestions about asking surprising.

Tell MIL she is not welcome and tell her why, tell her staff will be instructed to keep her out. If MIL pushes back and chooses to try and disregard your wishes then no one can make you see her again or allow access to DC. This is her fault for not listening to you before.

Tell DH what you are doing and he either helps or becomes part of the problem and you will have him shut out.

Yes flush his phone down the WC so he cannot phone anyone.

Finally tell not ask hospital staff exactly who you want in with you and make dam sure they do it.

You are the one who will be at her most vulnerable so lay down the law. If it matters to you then this is no time to be nice.

Good luck

Tell him you do not want visitors at the hospital and you have a date. But I would tell him the date and say if he tells his mother the date he will not be coming with you into the room to see his child come into the world. He respects your wishes and tells his mother she will meet baby when you are ready or he can go wait with his mother whilst you take someone else with you who respects your decisions.

No sod this. If you tell him the truth the chances are he's going to tell her even if you ask him not to as he doesn't see the issue. If you explain to her she sounds like she would ignore you anyway deciding that you'll get over it. Either way you're going to be tense about the delivery which isn't good for you or baby. Talk to him seriously about how you feel. Tell him the date of the following day (so he can prepare work) but tell him that this may be moved earlier if you start to seem ready. See if he tells mil against your wishes. If he doesn't then three days before tell him the real date, if he tell her then let him keep thinking that to the day. Yes baby has two parents so he should be acting like it and making sure the delivery is stress free.

I really can't understand why all these MILs want to be at the hospital when their DILs give birth. Hospitals should send them away if the mother requests it. I only have daughters but would never dream of going to the hospital during the birth unless they were single and requested me as a birth partner.

I wasn't precious as to who could visit afterwards though with my own children even though I had difficult births and was hooked up to stuff. Everyone wants to see a new born asap, that's only human nature.

Hi,
I'm in the fib about the date camp. Tell your husband the cesarian is two days after the actual appt.

I would say we can tell MIL the date but she is not welcome to attend the birth and can visit when we let her know - later in the day or the next day depending on the time of birth and how you are.

That way hubby can book annual leave - ask him to start the leave a couple of days early for last minute preparations so he has arranged to be off for the real appt.

Then with MIL off the scent on the real day tell your hubby you have twinges and want to go to be checked. Tell him at your leisure/when you have to that it is actually the day of your appointment and you still don't want MIL to know until after the baby is born and you are recovering so she can't intrude.

You can both tell MIL (after the baby comes) that baby started coming early so you dashed in for your cesarian - and it all happened so fast/hubby couldn't leave your side etc.

I really do empathise (I ended up with MIL in the room FFS).

I'd just worry about lies having big repurcussions. So I'd opt for "Hey DH, it's nice that your mum wants to feel involved but I need to be respected. This is how you and your mum will respect me".

Can MIL not be suddenly required to take care of your older DC? That's a far more important role as it'd give you sooooo much relief to know DC was in her loving embrace, blah, blah, blah.

Oh OP. A planned section is amazing. Mine was so healing mentally after upsetting first time experience. The whole week was magic.
Do whatever it takes to get that. What good is reading him the riot act if he goes ahead and tells her anyway? You've only got one shot.

Give her a date after your CS actually is to get her off your back, then say you had to go in earlier and things happened too quickly to let her know.
This^^. Great that you've got your sister (you said DS?) on side so just let her know your plans.

Also agree with another PP to warn the hospital/midwife in advance that your MIL will probably try to intrude and/or make a scene. Tell them what happened last time which your unsupportive husband seemed to have his mother's interests at heart than his own wife, who was going through so much.

Honestly though, if I couldn't trust my husband to respect my wishes for the birth, he wouldn't be my husband let alone my birthing partner!
There May be a time you need to consider whether you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who rides roughshod over your needs and wishes.

Have you had a clear conversation with him, after the first baby was born or in the lead up to this baby stating exactly how you felt and the future relationship with him if he keeps capitulating to his mother's demands over your needs?

Yeah, I wouldn't tell him. I would just wake him up on the day and say "Suprise! The baby is coming today!". Then confiscate his phone.

Look @DML13 your overreacting. Your MIL will not be allowed anywhere near theatre or recovery and will only be allowed in at visiting time providing your back on the post natal ward. All these MIL bashing threads are just ridiculous. Just remember your DH would not be here if it was not for your mil. Relax and congratulations !

Think your original plan is great, don't tell him, some people can't help blabbing.

Op has your DH always been a spineless asshole or has he only been like this since you had DS1 I would stick to your plan of not telling him or if you do decide to tell the mummy’s boy make it perfectly clear that if he blabs then not only will his mum be getting banned from the hospital but he will be as well and they can both wait until you get home to see the baby. I would seriously consider having your sister as your birthing partner just to make sure your DH understands how serious you are about not having his mum there breathing down your neck.

You're treating your husband like he's five, if you really can't trust him you've got massive issues that need to be addressed!

@choli You're not serious?! It is her husband and the MIL who are incredibly self centred.

And since this is HER BODY and HER LABOR, of course she is going to be self-centred and put her body and her baby first. It would be stupid of her not to!!

Yeah, I wouldn't tell him. I would just wake him up on the day and say "Suprise! The baby is coming today!". Then confiscate his phone.

Sorry but if I had to confiscate his phone like he was a naughty teenager, it would make me stop respecting him and the marriage would be in massive trouble.

I also can't imagine what would be said on here if a DH wanted to confiscate his DW phone.

When should he be allowed it back?

And for those who say he deserves it because if first birth, then like a PP said if you're not able to have a decent conversation and agree timescales etc then having a second child may not have been a great idea.

This should've been addressed and it's not going to stop MIL overstepping the mark in other ways by duping her over the birth.

The whole situation is ridiculous,

Even if you do lie, will he still call her and tell her once you do leave for the hospital?

OP, I honestly don't know what to tell you. It's clear you haven't read your DH the riot act after last time, as he clearly hasn't learned and thinks nothing of telling his mother. You need to tell him now that you do not even want her at the hospital because you do not want her as a visitor. That is your right. If he can't respect your wishes, he is a weak and despicable partner. Tell him you do not want him there at the birth if he is going to tell his mum and the minute she shows up, your relationship with him is over. It is as I said very obvious that you have never addressed this with him. And you are pregnant with your second, and you still haven't addressed this. You need to woman up, tell him under no circumstances is she to know the date, or show up at the hospital. If she does, tell him you will get security to throw her out, and you mean it.

Personally I'd probably have the CS alone and not tell husband until just after. But yes, I would tell him only on the morning or on the car drive there, and take his phone away. But all of this masking the issue, which is that you obviously have not addressed this with him and he and his mum clearly don't see that they are doing anything wrong. It is an issue of communication and you need to have it out and nip this in the bud right now. Or, speak to her yourself, and tell her yourself that you don't want her there and warn her that you will have security throw her out. Surely she won't ignore that.

@SaraNade you would take his phone away on the way to the hospital......

1. I presume he's allowed to call work to tell them?

1. Supposing he says no, it's my phone you're not taking it?

It's just so wrong that at this stage in a relationship that you want to confiscate your partners phone.

If DH tried to take my phone, I'd say no.

This is her DH not her child , I personally find it quite repulsive that people think it's ok to not tell him until the morning.

This couple need to TALK now, stop playing stupid games and decide something they both agree on. If that's not done, then they're really going to struggle in the future.