..to not tell DH date of C-section to avoid MIL turning up at hospital

[DML13]

So baby number 2 is booked for delivery by c-section. I was told this yesterday when I attended appointment myself alone. I have not yet told husband this date because I don't want MIL to know exact date (and I can't trust husband to blab to her and have repeat scenario of events which occurred with DS1).

For background, went into spontaneous labour with DS1 and MIL (despite multiple previous conversations) ignored my request to stay away from hospital and visit when home. She continually interrupted my labour for updates from DH and he didn't have the backbone to tell her go home. It ended with eCS and felt I lost all dignity with her arrival to my bedside soon after, my boobs out, catheter in place etc. I was angry, mortified and humiliated for many weeks and have yet to forgive. DH and I knew this baby would possibly need planned C-section and for weeks has been going on about 'as soon as we know the date we must tell her, (citing childcare as a role) and that she has already been asking for the date etc. Plus he says it 'will be easier to let work know'. Firstly I have a DS who understands my plight and will do childcare for DS1 whilst in hospital and secondly most workplaces only get estimated date when staff member may be off on paternity leave (he is in admin, so they would manage). I plan to tell him the morning I go into hospital - he will just have to cancel work for 2 weeks, (just as it I went into natural labour)and take his phone off him too - to avoid MIL being told, and give me the peace, respect and joy that I want (and feel I deserve) for what will be may last birth experience. AIBU? How would you circumnavigate MIL, bear in mind repeated requests will fall on deaf ears.

YABU

There are clearly issues with him obeying mummy’s demands and not taking your issues into account. These need to be addressed. However, despite these issues you chose to continue your relationship and have another child with him. So you should not keep the date of your planned c/s from him- it is his child too. And if you actually care about him and your relationship, it would be the wrong thing to do. Two wrongs do not make a right.

You would be perfectly with your rights to denavd he keeps his mother away from the hospital on the day of your c/s, nor to let hospital staff know MIL is not welcome into the ward. Pre-warm your husband and have a very frank discussion with him. Tell him that you were seriously considering kerping the date from him because of what happened last time.

My advice would be to visit mil face to face and tell her that if she attempts to access the maternity hospital or to turn up at your home without your invitation when the baby's born she won't get to see either grandchild from that moment onwards. I'd leave mil and DH in no doubt that I was serious.

I'd be telling DH that he's responsible for keeping his mother away and if he fails to do so I'll have him barred from the ward too.

I think having read some more you really do need to have a chat with your dh.

If he really can't see your view or keeps banging on about his mum wanting to see gc in hospital then you have bigger issues.

I would make one final effort to get him on side. Any decent partner would put their pregnant partners interests first at such a vulnerable time.

If he isn't on side then I would get another birthing partner. You need the least amount of stress possible. You're having major abdominal surgery.

But honestly this really worries me that this is what looks like your best option right now. You should be a team. There is a bigger picture I would be thinking about once you feel up to it.

I think if it has got to the stage of lying to him about the date and only telling him on the day, or even more bizarrely not telling him until after the baby is born and having your sister as your birth partner, then I think your relationship is over. You will never forgive him for his behaviour and if you lie to him about the birth of your child then he’s unlikely to forgive you (I don’t think I could forgive my DH for lying to me about something of equal magnitude).

Tell him- be clear the consequences of telling his mother/her turning up at the hospital etc (and mean whatever you threaten). I think you’ll soon know if he’s told his mum. If he does, then follow through on the consequences you laid out- whether that is him not getting to attend the birth or whatever. But don’t deceive him about the birth of his child. If you do, you lose any moral high ground.

@DML13 - what are you going to do?

I think PP are putting too much emphasis on the staff keeping her out. I work in a hospital and unfortunately everyone is so scared to offend or have a complaint made about them, that MIL could easily get it.

It is NOT your job to find a role for you MiL at the birth, and he has no business to. Tell her if he passes on your due date, you will not trust him, and you'll take someone else to be your birth partner. Then do it, if necessary. You can inform your midwife that you want either of them (if necessary ) ejected if your views are ignored. Also, warn your midwife of your fears and ask for it to be noted on your record.

Problem with false dates is he will be confused and just text Mil it seems above all else his one worry is letting the poor woman know so it will plague him, worry him etc

Is the baby giving birth??? No. The woman is giving birth. Actually having her abdomen cut open by a surgeon as it happens. But god forbid she actually centers herself in her own surgery. Selfish bad woman. It is all about the men you see - even when you are having surgery. God I hate the way so many people hate women and can't even disguise it.

This. I hate the handmaidens who are forever ready to charge into pregnancy and birth threads to inform the woman that they should be making sure to fully support their DP/DH, it is his birth experience too you know... When was the last time a man haemorrhaged to death on a delivery table?

It's been a long time since I last wondered why there are so many manchildren in the world.

Tell him that if he doesn't consider your feelings and start listening to what you want hen he won't even be there himself.
Keep the date quiet, sort out child care with your sister and then have the baby while he's at work
It's your wishes and needs he should be adhering to, not his bloody mother. Bleating on about 'it's her last grandchild'. So Fucking what..

You have a DH problem. But not telling him so he can't organise his work wound be pretty dreadful.

I would tell him you are not telling him the date because you don't trust him to not blab. I'd tell him the night before. And I would check a friend or relative is potentially available that day as a back-up birth partner in case dh STILL tells mil when you finally tell him.

Asking him not to tell her really won't work as he has shown no consideration for your reasonable request, and she will badger him. He is more concerned about her feelings than yours, sadly.

Asking her not to come won't work as you did this last time and she still came.

Asking midwives to keep visitors out won't work - every maternity unit I've visited, the receptionist has buzzed visitors in as long as they give a name of who they are visiting. You won't be feeling assertive enough to order her to leave if she does get in, the midwives will be too busy and your dh will be useless.

If she turns up just straight up tell her to fuck off and leave.

I would have lost it the first time.

Make a laminated sign x 2
One for the door and one for the reception.

"No access to DLM13's room apart from medical staff and her husband.

(especially no family members including XXX, no exceptions. Husband can not over ride this in any circumstances)"

He tells his mother and misses the birth of his child, or he respects his wife and her choice while in labour and gets to be present at the birth of his child!

I’d be spelling it out in black and white.

He doesn’t deserve respect if he cannot respect your choice and your birth plan.

It’s not a show for all, it’s a highly emotive and vulnerable time for a woman.

Oh dear, strong talk with dh, perhaps understanding that you might keep it from him will make him see you are serious?

I would suggest you accept upsetting MIL and you call her whole hes in the room to hear and tell her shes not welcome. That you will have told the staff to not let anyone in, including her.

Someone has to be upset, it shouldn't be you.

I wouldn't advise this, not because I buy into the stupid idea that it would somehow be unfair or a violation of his rights, as he doesn't have any in relation to you giving birth. But because it doesn't seem a very practical solution. I doubt it would work. Ultimately I think it's going to have to be addressed with him head on.

I haven't RTFT but that's so sad. It would be nice to relax the day before you go in as a family, the last time your other DC will be an only! That's how I felt anyway when I had my twins, we spent the day before in the park and going for a nice lunch with my DS1 and had a lovely day.

But God your DH is focusing on the wrong person here big time, YOU are having a baby and YOU are having abdominal surgery! Your MIL doesn't need a role, she can line up for cuddles afterwards when you're home. This stupid 'tradition' of always being at the hospital for her GC's births is nothing to do with you and you didn't sign up for it.

Ask him if he'd like to have a vascetomy and then have her rock up after while he's pretty much naked! (It's not a perfect comparison but it's the nearest I can think of!)

Get the hospital staff onside. I've had to do this. Put it in your birth plan too - only DH and DSis present until the following day.

Can she look after your older child? You'll need to frame it your DH as the best compromise ever, then tell DD so she can't say no.

Book her a spa day on that day? Book her best friend on it so she can't let her down. Then say oooops sorry my CS is on that day?

Can you tell I write from experience?

Tell DH it doesn't matter what his mother wants. It's what you want that matters.

What madness
And your husband is useless too
He is totally going to blab on you
What a shit situation to be in

Hope your husbandis great in the rest of your life but he sure isnt when it comes to themost important time of your life

Op reading this this is going to be your last child
So make a decision
Do what makes YOU happy
Dh ruined the last time by blabbing
Dont let him dothat to you again
And he will
So just don't tell him
Sad. But necessary. Because of his own behaviour

Tell him that if he doesn't consider your feelings and start listening to what you want hen he won't even be there himself

Even better!! But tell him that it is a day later then the actual cs. So in case he does blab (which he will) you still have that one day of silence from mil.

Andon the day just call him that you are in hospital becauseyou fell. And then when he rushed over he actually is there to witness his kid being born. And no mil.

Stand up for your self!! You can do it

You have a lot going on when you need to be stress free and supported.
Sadly you are going to have to have a chat with dh. He should be respecting and supporting you and not his mum.
Only you can decide and I wish you well.
I think giving her a false date sounds good , and have her banned from the hospital. Also consider no visitors for a period after you get home .

"Ask him if he'd like to have a vascetomy and then have her rock up after while he's pretty much naked! (It's not a perfect comparison but it's the nearest I can think of!)"

It would be a closer comparison if it was the OP's mother (his MIL) turning up when he was mid-vasectomy and demanding to see his penis afterwards

@winterisstillcoming I like your idea of booking MIL into an activity for the day of eCS (now googling spa breaks/afternoon teas/craftfair tickets etc) it will mean there would be no chance of her turning up. Preferable if this is >6hrs drive away!

I will need to sit down with DH for a lengthy discussion - I like the idea of using vasectomy as comparison and having my mother turn up as he comes round from the procedure!

Thank you for all the ideas, suggestions and support.

Better still, tell him that if he blabs then she can be there when you perform the vasectomy yourself with a rusty spoon.

That way she can be sure she was at the birth of her last grandchild!

"DH, if you dare to tell your mother that I am having the baby and she turns up, I will ask that you are removed from the birthing ward and not allowed back in"

As the patient you have that right.